What I am Learning from Lent This Year

I know that Lent isn't something that Southern Baptists generally do. And I'll admit that I haven't studied the history and dug into all that is Lent. However, I have still chosen to participate in Lent the last few years. For me, it's a great way to spend some time focusing on the gift and sacrifice of the cross, as well as prepare to rejoice and celebrate the truth of the resurrection. For me, it's not so much about denying myself, but refocusing and living for more than myself.

This year I decided to drink only water during Lent and donate money to the well project that our church is doing (find out more here: Water for Africa) I am also taking specific time once a day to pray for the persecuted church. I did something similar last year, but this time it has been different. Maybe it's because I'm at a different place in my life, maybe because I have been sick for the last week, I'm not sure, but it's definitely been different this year.

For one thing, I keep finding myself wanting to sneak little sips here and there of other things. I mean, it's just a sip, not a full gulp (or glass), so what's the harm, right? Then, WHAM! God really hit me with the thought that I am the same way about sin. Just a little sin can't hurt, right? I mean, if I live well most of the time, one little sin can't hurt. WRONG! Sin will always be the wrong choice for the believer and no matter how good it feels at the time, it will always bring guilt and shame. Praise the Lord that He offers forgiveness when we make the wrong choice!

Another thing I have found is that sometimes I forgot this fast doesn't include food. I start to eat something then think, "Oh, wait! It's Lent. Oh wait, I'm fasting from all drinks but water, not food! What am I doing?!?!" It's like my brain thinks that means I can't have anything. How crazy is that? But don't we sometimes make our Christian lives about our list of don'ts instead of the freedoms we have in Christ? It's like we think that because there are some things that God has commanded we not do, that it means we can't do anything that might be considered fun to the rest of the world. We build this bubble and keep ourselves in it and don't ever see the joy and life in the freedom of living under Christ.

I think the prayer portion is teaching me the value and importance of persistence in prayer. There are a few things that I feel like I've been praying about forever and I had pretty much just given up praying for them. I had no more words and it seemed I was getting no answers, so why bother. In praying for the persecuted church every day I am finding that God provides the words. He is softening my heart to pray for those persecuting Christians, as well as those they are persecuting. I have been reminded many times of the parable of the widow who continued to go to the judge day after day until he ruled in favor of what she wanted. She knew the judge had the power to do what she was asking and she persisted, day after day, until he used that power. You know what, my God has the power to do all I ask. I can pour out my heart, day after day, even with the same requests, and He will hear every cry. He can heal each heart, wound, ache. He can protect lives and open hearts to His salvation. He is I AM! Oh Father, help me to believe in all You can do, ask You to show Yourself mighty in my life and the lives of others, and still choose to praise and rejoice when You choose not to answer in the way that I hope You will!

I know that Lent isn't in the Bible (of course, neither is Christmas), but over and over His people are commanded to remember Him. Remember what He's done. Draw near to Him, focus on Him, and rejoice in Him. Lent is really helping me do that this year. The Sundays during Lent are feast days. They are days to rest from the self-discipline you've been practicing all week, stop looking at the gravity of the cross, and rejoice in the glory and triumph of the risen Lord. I have found Sundays so much sweeter during this season. They truly have been feasts and celebrations (though not overdone!)  Lord, continue to soften and change my heart. Make me one who is bold in Your name. Help me to love all I see with You love.

Love Comes at What Cost?

This has been a long, crazy, full week. But, what we did to start the week has had my mind spinning all week. The first thing we did on Monday was to purchase food for the food pantry so we could bring our donation to the Kidz Choir musical this weekend.

In church a few weeks ago, I gave a challenge to our church in reference to bringing food. I challenged them to do three things: be intentional (make a specific trip to the store to get your items rather than just pulling things from the back of the pantry, take your children with you and let them pick out and pay for their items), shop as if you were shopping for your own family, and pray over the food you purchase and the families that will receive the food. I shared this challenge because God had challenged me with those same things. I had no idea how much this would affect me when we actually got to the store.

Even though I had been feeling the conviction of this challenge for weeks, when I got to the store I was still tempted to get the cheapest and easiest things to grab and get on with the day. I really had to force myself to slow down, let the kids lead, and when I did, God broke my heart. I was amazed at the love, care, and excitement with which they were racing through the aisles to find things to give to others. Some things they saw and just wanted to get because they thought it would be yummy and others they really thought through. Without me having to guide them they wanted to get things for spaghetti and tacos because that would be two meals for which we could provide everything but the meat. They each picked out their favorite cereal. We worked hard to get as much healthy food as we could, but we also wanted to spoil them a bit, too. After all, Christmas breakfast for some families may come from the food pantry. We wanted them to have the chance to have something as special as we would. The kids chose a Cinnabon baking kit. We also got some of the small essentials, spices, peanut butter, jelly, etc. We did spend more than I was planning, but as the kids and I were there I couldn't help but think of all the ways we had been blessed, that though it was more than I was planning, it wasn't more than we could afford. It truly was a joy and a delight to choose things and think of the way families may enjoy each item. The joy my kids had in picking things out was so contagious. I am so thankful we did that together.

Of course, it also got me thinking. What price do I put on the love I give to others? Do I draw my own  lines and decide what's too much for me to give? What takes too much time? Do I decide when it's just too much or do I turn my life over to God and say, "Use me! Fill me with You and use me until I am empty, then fill me again." Do I love all people, as I encourage my children and others to do, or do I really only love those who are like me or who are easy to love? Do I stretch myself and pour out all I have and all I've been given to serve the God who gave His very life for my sins? What things in my life need to change? What needs to stay the same? How can I be the example my kids need on how to trust God, love Him with all my heart and soul, and giving all I have for the Savior I claim to love.

Oh, Father, stir my heart to love all of Your people in very real, tangible ways. Give me a heart for loving and encouraging others. Give me boldness to declare Your love and Truth to those who do not know You. Draw my children to You and mold them into godly people who love and serve You with their whole lives. Lord, begin working, even now, in the hearts and lives of those who will be receiving the food we purchased. Use this small act of love to reveal Yourself to them. Give our staff a chance to pray for them when they come to pick up their food. Show our church body, and my family, how to genuinely love, respect, and serve those who come to our food pantry.

Raise Up in Me a Holy Passion

This prayer started Jen Hatmaker's life interruption. It's been reverberating in the back of my mind since I read the updated version of her book, Interrupted. I want to pray this prayer. I want to scream it from the mountain tops. But, I just can't make myself do it. What will it mean? What will happen? Where will I have to go? What will I have to give up? Who will I have to love in His name? Will my husband think I'm crazy? My kids? My parents? My friends? Am I strong enough to survive the answer to this prayer? So many questions. A heart that is pounding from fear, yet aching to go farther. I feel frozen, unable to truly live.

Then last night at small group, what ice breaker question did I get? "What are you passionate about?" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time! My first thought matched my dear friend's answer when she heard the question, "What are you not passionate about?" As I waited for my turn to answer and thought about this, all I could think was, "I am passionate about so many things that it's really like I am passionate about nothing." Sort of like being a jack of all trades and master of none. I try to do so many things that it's like there's not one thing that my heart is fully in at any given time. I am feeling it as school starts this year. I love teaching my kids. I love what we'll be learning about this year (well, maybe not math.) But, for the life of me, I just can't get excited about jumping back in. Maybe it's because we just enjoyed summer so much and I don't want it to end. Maybe it's because I know that within weeks my daughter will pass me in math ability and I will have no idea how to teach her. I don't know, but the passion isn't there.

The most passion I have felt was just over a week ago in church when the praise team sang "Build Your Kingdom Here" by the Rend Collective Experiment. The moment I read the phrase "...refuse to waste our lives..." I lost it. Those words were the cry of my heart. Oh, Lord, don't let me waste this life on silly, earthly things that don't matter. Don't let me teach my children to waste their lives on those things. Don't let me teach other people's children to waste their lives on such things!

Now I sit with the question, "So, how do I NOT waste my life?" I don't have a to do list (and if you know me, you know that is killing me), but I do know this: loving others in His name is never wasting my life. The way I love my children and the way I love my kidz choir kids and the way I love the Afterschool Adventure kids may not look the same, but no matter how it looks, it requires me to be emptied of myself and poured out for Him. To be filled with the Spirit in order to serve others, in whatever way they need. It means serving the poor, the rich, the lost, the saved, the forgotten, the sick, the old, the young. It means being patient with my children, discipling and disciplining them in order to draw them to You, and being obedient in front of my children, no matter the cost. It means showing up every week to work with kids who may not remember my name, but they know that I love them and will be there for them every week. It means taking a sweet boy with us to Family Quest every week to make sure he's learning the truth of God's word. It means showing up to Kidz Choir every week, headache or not, to pour God's word into them as they learn more about Him and more about ways to truly worship Him.

Oh, Lord, help me to love well all I meet. Help me to love my children well every moment of every day that they may see You in me and desire to have You in their lives, as well. Help me to love my husband well so that he can be the leader in our home and continue to do the work you have set in front of him. Help me to love my church family well so they are taken care of and are able to serve others in Your name. Help me to love the lost all around me, regardless of their circumstance or station in life that they may see Your beauty and Your deep love for them and their deep need for You.

Oh, Father, RAISE UP IN ME A HOLY PASSION!

Interrupted and Overwhelmed

I just finished reading Jen Hatmaker's book, Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity for the second time. This was the new new, expanded version. I felt just as excited and convicted and overwhelmed as I did the first time I read it!

This book is really Jen's personal story of God interrupting her comfortable, affluent life by showing her the needs of the "least of these" around her.  She, her husband, and their three (at the time) children changed jobs, moved, and started a new church whose mission was to love and serve God with their whole hearts and lives out in the real world. (OK, there was more to it than that, but if I typed it here you wouldn't have to read the book!)

The first time I read this book I felt much like Jen, knowing there was more out there than I was doing or experiencing, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  God used her pointing out Isaiah 58 to interrupt my life.  My time in the Word and in prayer should result in more than just me feeling better or knowing more about God, but me being more like God. It should result in action that benefits more than just me or my family.

This time, I read the book after spending this past year working with our church's new Afterschool Adventures program.  We hold this at the income-based apartment complex across the street from the church. I spent a year working with the "least of these" right in my own backyard.  I found myself wanting to shout AMEN to so many of the things she was saying.  While the parents have no problem sending their kids over to church with us for our Wednesday night dinner and Family Quest activities, we can't get those parents to cross the street for anything!  They just won't come to us, we must go to them.  While they live in our backyard, they really do live in a whole different world than we can even imagine.

I was especially drawn to and convicted her comments Matt. 25. Am I really ready to stand before Christ and hear what He has to say about what I did to the least of these?  According to His word, whatever I did to the least of these, I did to Him.  Ignore the poor=ignore Christ. Ignore the hurting=ignore Christ. Ignore the imprisoned=ignore Christ. Ouch! It reminded me that Sanctity of Human life is about so much more than abortion! It also opened my eyes to hard, yet often unseen work, of so many in our church body.  The school teachers, foster parents, adopted grandparents, who pour out their all for others, never asking for anything else in return.

And, men, don't worry.  While Jen is the main author, her husband, Brandon, does write in here as well. Every few chapters or so we get to see what was happening in his heart as Jen was going through this huge change in hers.

Jen's transparency and humor will make it really hard to put this book down. Especially if you are craving something more with Christ and the church, but you just aren't sure what it is!  I have the book and I am more than happy to start a waiting list for anyone here in Hannibal who wants to read it. Even though we aren't all called to start a new church, we are all called to love those whom God has placed us near, rich or poor, regardless of skin color.

Now, what to do with it? What does this mean for my life? My marriage? My family? I really don't know! I know that I will continue to be involved in Aferschool Adventures, but right now, I feel like that's all I know for sure. I want to BE the church. I want to love others as Christ loved them. I want to stop being selfish and love my husband, family, neighbors, and community with reckless abandon and in a way that screams Christ's name. I don't know what that means, yet, but I am so glad that my life has been interrupted and won't be the same.  I was so overwhelmed by this in church this morning as we were singing "Build Your Kingdom Here" by the Rend Collective Experiment. I couldn't hold it in or hold stay still. It was such the cry of my heart! Lord, build Your kingdom here, in my heart, in my house, in my church! Lord, lead. Lord, guide. Lord, teach and mold. I thank You for the changes in hearts and structure You are doing in our church. Help us to be willing to do whatever You ask, even if it means services look different, happen at different times or meet in different places. Move us to be a people in Christ and about Christ. Oh, Lord, revive us and pour Your Spirit out on us. I thank You that being the church looks different in each life so that the most people can be told about You. Show us how the McSmith house is to be the church, right where we are.

While a lot of this may be loving on the poor and the least of these in my community, it's about so much more than that. It's really about loving, period. Loving God and loving others, no matter who they are or where they are from. It means understanding that Sunday morning at 9:15 and 10:30 may not be the best times to gather if you want the lost to come and hear God's love for them with the gathered church. It means asking "them" to come to "us" just may not work and we'll have to do the hard and uncomfortable work of going to "them" and showing God's love to them over and over and over. It's not a one time thing. It's a relationship and relationships take work. That's why it's hard and uncomfortable. And that's why I know I will only be able to do it with God's help because it's certainly not something I would do on my own!

So, read the book. Ask God to show you what He would have you do. Then, go and do what He's asked!

Of course, I have to list some of my fave quotes (and it was really hard to choose...if you borrow the book from me you'll see lots of underlining!)

"Until we are compelled and contributing, we're settling for an anemic faith and a church that robs Christ followers of their vitality and repels the rest of the world...There is a call on our body that must be answered collectively."

"All of a sudden, I saw my exact reflection in Peter: devoted, but selfish, committed but misguided. And that is not going to be enough. It won't suffice to claim good intentions. Saying, 'I meant well' is not going to cut it. Not with God screaming, begging, pleading, urging us to love mercy and justice, feed the poor and the orphaned, to care for the last and the least in nearly every book of the Bible. It will not be enough to one day stand before Jesus and say, 'Oh? Were You serious about all that?'"

"This is what God taught me through Judas as Jesus' table, eating the broken bread that was His body: We don't get to opt out of living on mission because we might not be appreciated. We're not allowed to neglect the oppressed because we have reservations about their discernment. We cannot deny love because it might be despised or misunderstood. We can't withhold social relief because we're not convinced it will be perfectly managed. We can't project our advantaged perspective onto struggling people and expect results available only to the privileged. Must we be wise? Absolutely. But doing nothing is a blatant sin of omission. Turning a blind eye to the bottom on the grounds of 'unworthiness' is the antithesis to Jesus' entire mission. How dare we? Most of us know nothing, nothing of the struggles of the poor. We erroneously think ourselves superior, and it is a wonder God would use us at all to minister to His beloved."

I could go on and on, but, you should just read the book!!!

Lord, Thank You for Afterschool Adventures!

About a year ago I uttered a short prayer.  Admittedly, it wasn't a heartfelt prayer, but one uttered out of obligation.  Deep down, I didn't really even want it answered because I knew God’s answer would not be the answer I would want.  But, I asked it anyway.  And I was right, His answer was far different from what I was hoping it would be.

I uttered a prayer asking God to show me how to live out my faith while loving and serving others in front of and with my children.  Instead of the answer I wanted, a short-term mission trip serving orphans and people I would most likely never see again, He sent an email from Jennifer Humiston about an afterschool ministry that was starting in the apartments across the street from the church.  I had plenty of excuses why it wasn't a good fit for us, but God shot down every single one.  So, with much hesitation, I agreed to go help each Wednesday afternoon.  My life has been forever changed. 

Though it wasn't in my plan, I fell in love with these sweet kiddos.  God used them to change my life and open my family’s eyes.  God has shown me that I don’t have to travel to the ends of the earth to serve the “least of these.”  They are in our own backyard. He opened my children’s eyes to see that there are those in need right here in our own town.

I have seen, week to week, God’s promise that His word will not return void come to life in front of my eyes.  Though my children are not saved, God continually uses them to share the truth of His word with the little ones we bring with us to Family Quest each week.  Many of these children had never read a Bible and therefore didn’t know many of the stories and passages that we learned about each week.  What a blessing it has been to see my children’s faces light up with joy as they tell their new friends all the details they can remember about each story.  What joy it is the next week to watch those Afterschool children light up with joy as they tell us what they remember from the week before.  His Word is true and He is faithful!

God has reminded me how deep His love truly is for me every time I look into the eyes of a little girl who loves a parent with such ferocity, whose biggest fear is to be separated from them, yet this parent clearly does not love her back with this intensity and care. It makes no sense to me! But, it makes no sense that a Holy God, whom I have ignored and treated cruelly, would send His Son to die in my place while I was in the midst of such sin and hatred toward Him. God is so good!

This has truly been a way for me to live out and grow in my faith, witness and disciple my children as I live life obediently, and it gets them involved in their community and sharing God’s truth.  They see the same things we do each week; the highs, the lows, the frustrations, and it’s still their favorite part of every week.  They can’t wait for Afterschool Adventures to start up again.   They are just as invested in this ministry as I am.  We love it!  Kevin comes when his schedule allows, so it’s really a family mission for us. This is the living out of Matthew 25, “…whatever you do to the least of these, you do it unto me.” 

Lord, Give Me a ten Boom Kind of Faith and Love

I had a lot of time on a plane in the last few days, so I spent it reading.  I picked up the book The Hiding Place at a yard sale recently and decided that I'd read that on the plane.  I must confess that, a) I've only heard bits and pieces of Corrie ten Boom's story, but never read the book and didn't know much about her, b) I thought she was Jewish, and c) I thought she was in her twenties at the oldest.  Man, was I way off! I had no idea her crime wasn't being Jewish, but playing an integral part in the underground hiding Jews.  And wonder of all wonders, she was in her 50's!  Never think you're too old to change the world, or at least your world! I also thought this book was all about Corrie.  It really wasn't.  It was about her whole family, but really about how God used each of them, with their own strengths and gifts, at one of the worst times in history.  It's  a story about how God used a concentration camp to reveal Himself and His love to hundreds (maybe even thousands) of women dying in the concentration camps.  Mind.Blown.  And the way they risked their own lives, loved those around them at the risk of death, and the concern and care Betsie had for the Germans who were causing the pain is almost beyond comprehension.  How one person could treat another person that way is unimaginable.  The things they prayed, the people they prayed for, and the wisdom and insight God gave them in the midst of such horrible circumstances was so encouraging to me.  I just had to share the quotes that went straight to my heart.  I hope it encourages you, too.  (And Kevin, if we ever have another girl, her name is going to have to be Cornelia Elizabeth and we will pray she will be as wise, loving, faithful, and God-seeing as these two ladies.)

• Their mother had tuberculosis and suffered a great deal of pain for most of her life.  This never slowed her down.  Even when she eventually became confined to a bed and couldn't speak (which were all of the last years of her life.)  Corrie said of her mother, "It was astonishing really the quality of life she was able to lead in that crippled body, and watching her during the three years of her paralysis, I made another discovery about love.  Mama's love had always been the kind that acted itself out with soup pot and sewing basket. But now that these things were taken away, the love seemed as whole as before.  She loved the people she saw in the street--and beyond: her love took in the city, the land of Holland, the world.  And so I learned that love is larger than the walls that shut it in."
• "Love. How did one show it?  How could God Himself show truth and love at the same time in a world like this? By dying. The answer stood out for me sharper and chiller than it ever had before that night: the shape of a Cross etched on the history of the world.
• After losing one of the young boys working for the underground: "Once again we considered stopping the work. Once again we discovered we could not.  That night Father, Betsie and I prayed long after the others had gone to bed.  We knew that in the spite of the daily mounting risks we had no choice but to move forward.  This was evil's hour: we could not run away from it. Perhaps only when human effort had done its best and failed, would God's power alone be free to work."
• Corrie's sister, Betsie, almost took joy in being in the concentration camps, not really even for their ministry for those in the camps, but for the opportunity to love and pray for those running the camps.  "'These young women.  That girl in the back at the bunkers. Corrie, if people can be taught to hate, they can be taught to love! We must find the way, you and I, no matter how long it takes...' I realized then she was talking about the guards. I wondered, not for the first time, what sort of person was this sister of mine...what kind of road she followed while I trudged beside her on the all-too-solid earth."
• "But as the rest of the world grew stranger, one thing became increasingly clear. And that was the reason the two of us were here.  Why others should suffer we were not shown.  As for us, from morning until lights-out, whenever we were not  in ranks for roll call, our Bible was the center of an ever-widening circle of help and hope..The blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the Word of God."
• After learning that prisoners were never released from a concentration camp if they were sick, Corrie started wondering what horrible thing would have happened to Betsie (who was ill and died in the camp) if she had been considered for release.  "There are no 'ifs' in God's kingdom. I could hear her soft voice saying it. His timing is perfect. His will is our hiding place. Lord Jesus, keep me in Your will! Don't let me go mad by poking about outside it."
• After meeting one of the S.S. officers who had mistreated her at the concentration camp and asking God to help her forgive him (which He did): "And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His.  When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself. It took a lot of love.

If you haven't read this book, I encourage you to do so!  Oh, Father, give me the strength and faith to love this world in Your name, whatever the cost.  Help me to train up my children to do the same. Protect this world from the crushing hand of Satan.  When trials and hardships come, give us the strength to look to You for our comfort, peace, healing, and protection.

Celebrating the Cross and the Empty Tomb

I am so thankful for this evening that I spent with two sweet families teaching our children about Christ, His life on earth, and his death and resurrection.  If you didn't read the post I wrote about all we were doing this evening, you can check it out HERE.  Just wanted to share the pics of the fun and fellowship we had.  I know that the kids didn't grasp everything we talked about, but the seeds were planted and I feel confident God will bless our efforts. Hope you enjoy a glimpse of the fun we had this evening!!!

All of us learning about one of Jesus' miracles, the feeding of the 5,000.

We made a collage of all the things that God gives us.  We talked about how we can share those with others and all brought food we could donate to our church's food pantry.

Then we learned about Jesus washing the disciples feet.  He told us that he set the example that we are to follow, being a servant to all people.  This was the craft to help us remember that.  We also donated supplies to Sole Hope for their jigger removal clinics.

Then we learned what Christ did for us when he went to the cross and was raised from the dead.  We each made a painting to remind us what He's done for us.  This is the one that Sophie and Ethan did.

This was really fun!  I am hoping we are able to do this, or something like it, next year.  And I look forward to how God will mold and shape it as it gets deeper as the children get older!

Unexpected Answers to Prayer

A while back (I can't remember exactly when...I'm nowhere near as good with dates and time lines as I was in my younger days) our pastor preached a sermon encouraging us to be about Kingdom work.  Now, I'll admit, when I first heard the sermon I was a little offended, as I felt like he kept making it seem that the only valuable Kingdom work were things you were doing outside the home.  As a stay-at-home homeschooling mom, right now, about 98% of what I feel God has asked me to do is inside my home.  So of course, I got a little perturbed by thought that my pastor was telling me that what I know is my calling is not Kingdom work. (Drama queen much!?!?!)  Of course, those of you who know my pastor know that he would never say that because he absolutely doesn't believe that, so after some discussion with others and chatting with the pastor, it was clear that his intent was that if we never get the Gospel out of the walls of our homes and churches, we are not fully living out what Christ has called us to do.  Yes, for most of us, our first mission field is the family that Christ has placed within our own home, but we can't just stay there.

I really had to think on this for awhile.  To be honest, it takes pretty much all of my time, energy, focus, creativity, and attention just to be pouring into my kids every day.  The thought of moving things beyond these walls was not only terrifying and overwhelming, it was tiring.  How in the world do I have time to pour into my family and others, too.  I was really struggling.

I am so thankful for the Godly and wise women He has placed in my life.  One of these women truly helped me to see that, part of discipling my children is bringing them with me as I minister and serve others.  I can't just let them hear about what I am doing, or watch from a distance, but they need to participate as well.  So, I began to pray about what I could do to serve those outside my home in His name, but could also include my children.  The Lord opened up several opportunities, that were very easy for me, when He led me to read Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess with a friend.  We were encouraged to start going without certain things in order help those who were truly in need.  It was a way to live out Isaiah 58, a chapter God has used to really wreck me in the last 2 years.  Then he lead me to Reading for Refugees through His Voice Global.  What a great way for Sophie to really get involved in learning about the needs of others and doing a small part in meeting that need!  We've also been able to send shoe pieces and needed supplies to Sole Hope through birthday parties, Family Quest, and again this year as part of our Easter celebration.

I was loving this!  We were able to serve others alongside our children, while also teaching them God's word.  It was great.  But deep down, I knew this was not all that God was wanting me to do.  This was just a small step to show me that is is possible to serve God in front of and with my children, but it wasn't deep enough.  There was no stepping out of my comfort zone, it was really costing me nothing, and in all honesty, we had no "skin" in the game.  Not that what we were doing wasn't important or what God wanted us to do, but I knew that He wanted us to do more, closer to home, and be more hands on.

I began, timidly, and well, almost unwillingly, to pray and ask God to show us how we could serve others right here in our own community.  Not long after I began to pray about this, a couple in our church started a ministry to the children in the apartment complex across the street from the church.  They were meeting each Wednesday after school to help the kids with homework, play games, teach the Bible, and take them over to dinner and Family Quest at church when they were done.  As soon as I read the email, I knew this was what God wanted the kids and I to do, mainly because I couldn't come up with any plausible excuse why we couldn't help.  We are always done with school by the time we would need to be there and it was the perfect way to include my children in serving others and learning how different life is for others, even here in our own little town.

When I said yes and we started helping with Afterschool Adventures, I had no idea how much I would fall in love with these kids!  We have around 20 kids each week that come and hang out with us.  Many of these kids had never read a Bible or heard a Bible story before they came to Afterschool.  Now, they can answer just about any question about several different Bible stories, quote several different scriptures, and know that there are several people in their lives now who care about them and want to see them succeed.  They know who Jesus is and why He came to earth.  They know that He loves them and wants to have a relationship with them.

The Lord has also opened my eyes to the blessings He has given me as I look at the lives many of these children live. I can't even imagine living through even a fraction of the hardship many of these kids endure each day.  This makes our time with them that much sweeter, to both them, and us.  God is so good.  I am so thankful that He answered my prayer this way.  Both of my kids look forward to this time each week and I love to see the families that have stepped up to take these kids to Family Quest.  (But we could always use more families to take kids, so if you are interested, let me know!!!!)

Lord, thank You for the sermon that started all this thinking.  Thank You for laying this burden on my heart. Thank You for all the answers You've given in this area.  Lord, continue to give wisdom and guidance as we work with these precious children. Show us how to serve them and love them as You do.  Bring us those who want to walk alongside these sweet kids as we teach them Your Truth through Family Quest.

Thought I'd leave you with some pics of these amazing (precious, frustrating, hurting, loving....etc...) kids:

Celebrating Christ This Easter

I am so excited about what we'll be doing during Easter week to celebrate this year.  We'll be gathering with two other families to have a progressive meal that will remind us of what Christ did while on earth, what He is doing in our lives now, and showing our children how we can be His hands and feet in our world today.  It's sort of our version of a Passover Meal, sort of Family Quest style!  Not sure if that's a great description or not, but either way, I am super excited to do this.  I thought this might be something others would be interested in doing, so I'm posting here what we are planning to do so you can possibly tweak it to make it work for your family.  I'll do my best to try and remember to post about it once we've done it so you know how it went!  Here's our plan (those things written in RED are links to craft ideas):

At each house, before we eat, we will look at something that Christ did in the Bible, how He does something similar for us today, and something we can do to help us remember/help others.

House 1: Bread/Salad

We will look at one of Jesus' miracles, the feeding of the 5,000.  We'll talk about what he did that day (we've studied that several times just in Family Quest, so the kids should almost be able to tell the entire story for us!) Then we'll see if they can come up with ways that Christ still takes care of us today. One big way is that he still provides food for us everyday.  We will give each family (it will be faster than each child doing their own) a paper plate and some magazines (hopefully we can find lots with food in them) and have the kids look for foods that God gives us to eat.  They will cut out those pictures and glue them to their plate.  Then we will talk about how God can also use us to help provide food for others. One way we can do that is through the food pantry. Everyone will need to bring some items with them that can be donated to the food pantry. Then we can eat our bread and salad.

House 2: The Main Meal

Here we will be talking about Jesus washing the disciples feet.  We can read the story of Jesus washing his disciples feet.  We will talk about how Jesus tells us he was being an example of what he wanted us to do, serve others.  Then we will do this THIS CRAFT (we can do one per family again, or one per child.  This won't take as long, I don't think.)  Then we will talk about ways that we can follow Christ's example of serving others.  Tonight, we will do this by gathering supplies to send to Sole Hope, who helps to take care of the feet of those who have no shoes in Uganda, Africa. Here is their list of needed supplies (each family will need to bring a few of these items with them) for Sole Hope  We will then eat the meal.

House 3: Dessert

It will be at this house that we will talk about the crucifixion and resurrection.  We can use THIS to tell them about the cross. We are thankful that He went to the cross for our sins and even more thankful that He rose from the dead.  This is important for us today because, without the cross, we can't have a relationship with Christ. Then we'll do a painting on canvas similar to THIS , but we're going to try and put an empty tomb on there, too. One per family should be good. They can pretty much paint it anyway they want...when you peel off the tape the design will be there regardless of the other painting.  Then we'll have dessert (whoever does dessert can make THESE ahead of time).

Is it really April already?!?!?!

Where in the world has 2014 gone?  Time is just flying by!!!  I'll go ahead and apologize now, this post is going to be crazy and random and probably hard to follow.  I feel like that's been my brain for the last two weeks, so this will let you know how I've been feeling!  ;)

--Both of my children have birthdays this weekend.  Sophie will be 8 and Ethan will be 5.  Talk about time flying!  What a blessing both of them have been in our lives.  I am so thankful I get to be their mom and get to see them learn and grow everyday.  Sophie is such a loving, sweet, funny girl quickly becoming a young lady.  Ethan is a silly, loving, creative boy who will be a young man far before I am ready for that.  I love that I have the privilege to teach them so many wonderful things.  I love watching E as he is learning to read.  I love how excited he gets when he sees a word he recognizes or when he sounds out a word correctly.  I love the light Sophie has in her eyes when her next great idea pops into her head.  I love the stories they each tell and the wonderful way the play together (even though they don't always agree on what or how to play.) I also love how excited each of them get when they hear a scripture verse they've memorized in a sermon or in a song.  I love watching them sleep, cuddling up and watching a movie, and reading books together.  What a gift it is to parent these to precious children, even on the hard days.

--Easter is coming!  I am looking forward to celebrating the death and resurrection of Christ with our kiddos in a new way this year (more on that after, and I can include pictures!)  I am also excited (please don't hate me when I say this) that there is no Good Friday service at church this year.  This will be the first year we'll be able to celebrate this amazing, sad, cruel, necessary event of the crucifixion, just us and the kids.  Pretty sure there will be some What's in the Bible involved, but we have yet to fully decide what to do.  What an amazing thing to be able to celebrate our hope because of Christ and His sacrifice on our behalf.  How grateful I am that He sent Christ to take the punishment for my sins.  Lord, help me to teach this truth to my children.  Help them to see their need for Your salvation and grace in their lives everyday.  Help them to see their need for a relationship with You.

--I am thankful for a loving and caring church body.  I am thankful for friends who lift us up in prayer, love our children, and walk beside us in this crazy life here on earth.  I am thankful for technology that allows me to see friends far away, to get a laugh when I need it, to help others laugh when they need it, and helps me to minister alongside some of the best women I know.  I am thankful for the gift of prayer that allows me to seek God more deeply, plead on behalf of friends and family, and hear the voice of my Creator.  I am thankful for His word and that it is so readily available for me and my children.

--I gave up drinking anything but water for Lent.  I still have a few weeks left, but it has gone well so far.  I am so thankful that God laid this on my heart to do.  So many people don't have the option of running to the sink for a quick glass of water, grabbing that nice clean water bottle out of the fridge, brushing their teeth with water that won't make them sick.  How blessed I am that I can do all of those things and never even have to think about it or wonder if that water will be there tomorrow.  Lord, give me a burden for those whose stomachs are empty and need the basic necessities each day.  Show me how to love other by caring for their needs, loving them with Your heart, and showing Your love to them each day, here and around the world.

--It's been a lot of fun, and very therapeutic, to clean out our closets, etc, to give things away for a yard sale benefiting church members heading out onto the mission field. Even the kids have really gotten into it this time.  Sophie has a two-page list of things she wants to try and make/or sell so that she has money to donate to them, too.  I love her heart.  Some of her ideas are a bit crazy, but I love the heart behind it.  I pray that I don't squash that spirit of giving she has.

I am sure there are hundreds more things that I could share, but they wouldn't be all that exciting and you'd probably get bored reading it!  Looking forward to sharing with you our Easter celebration idea.  It may end up being a disaster, but we've had fun thinking about it and planning it!  Praying that God uses this to draw all of us closer to Him and to help us see our true, deep need for Him in our lives.

Water

As I mentioned in an earlier post, during Lent I will be drinking only water.  Clean water is something I take for granted every.single.day.  There are so many in the world who do not have this precious gift.  So, I will be keeping a tally of each glass of water I drink (I will do my best...and yes, this will also be a math project for the kids.  I thought that was a great way to involve them and be able keep them mindful of the gifts that we have been given, Who has given them, and what we can be doing for others with what God has given us.  And getting some school credit for it is just a bonus.)  For each glass of water we'll donate $.05 to the World Vision Clean Water campaign.  (You can find information about that HERE.)

I would love to be able to join with any others who would also like to donate to this fund at the end of Lent. If you want to drink only water along with me, that would be great, but you could also just make a flat donation or a matching donation.  I know this isn't for everyone, but I wanted to put it out there and give others the chance to donate.  It's pretty easy to give online, so you wouldn't even have to go through me to give your donation.

Pray about it and let me know if God lays it on your heart to join me in this effort!

Musings

I'll be helping a friend host a yard sale for two sets of missionary families in our church later this spring.  Of course, that means that I now have a reason to clean up around the house and I have a place to send all the stuff we don't need or use.  Pretty much the whole morning was spent cleaning out closets and dressers.  I was almost sickened at  the massive amount of "stuff" we have that just sits around, unused and not needed, yet we hold onto it anyway.  Why?  Why do we even have all this stuff?  Most of it is pointless and was hardly ever, if ever, used.  And sadly, I was the one that bought most of the stuff.  I must stop buying so many "things" that are of no use.  I could do so many other things with the money wasted on that junk. When I got done bagging everything up I felt like I needed to sit down and read 7 again and remind myself that there are far more important things in this life than my comfort or just having more stuff.

Lent.  Been thinking about this off and on for the last week.  I can't believe it's already almost here.  I did not grow up celebrating Lent (and I am not sure you can call what I do now celebrating), but rather, just thinking it was some crazy thing the Catholics did to make their lives a little harder for a few weeks around Easter time.  I am looking at Lent kind of like I look at Advent.  It's a time to put myself aside and intentionally focus more on Christ and what He has done for us.  It's also a time to practice living out Is. 58; a time of fasting that allows me to focus on Christ and drawing near to Him, while also allowing me to give of what He has given me.  Living simply so others can simply live.  This year, for the 40 days of Lent, I will be drinking only water. The kids will help me to keep track of every glass of water I drink (which will not only help them out with their math skills, but will also serve to keep me and the kids accountable to praying for all those in the world with little to no clean drinking water.)  At the end of the 40 days I will make a donation of $.01 for every glass of water I drank during those 40 days to the World Vision Clean Water Fund.  I am praying that God will use those 40 days in a mighty way in my life, the life of my family, and in the lives of those who will be receiving the clean water.

Can I confess something to you?  I feel torn about the snow coming our way this weekend.  I am tired of the cold, but snow is so beautiful.  There's just something almost exciting about a snow storm coming our way...the beautiful snow, the not being able to leave the house, the bundling up and watching movies, reading books, and drinking hot chocolate.  Deep down I love it, I just wish it could happen when it was about 80 degrees instead of below zero!

Lord, thank You for this week, even though it has, at times, felt unbearably long.  Continue to mold and shape me into Your image.  Show me how to love others in Your name at all times.  Show me how to look past my circumstance to see Your faithful hand.

A Little Help From My Friends

I wanted to let you know about an opportunity to help put shoes on the feet of people in Africa, while also providing work for women there, who make the shoes.

As most of you probably know, I hosted a Sole Hope shoe cutting party for my 35th birthday last month.  Sole Hope sent us patterns, we used old jeans and recycled milk cartons to cut out all the pieces that it takes to make the shoes.  These pieces will then be sent to Sole Hope where the women in Africa will be paid to make shoes out of them.  These shoes will be handed to adults and children once they have had the jiggers removed from their feet in hopes that the horrible diseases these bugs cause can be lowered.  Lowering the rate of these foot-related diseases dramatically improves the quality of life for those receiving the shoes.  Check out the pics from my party:

Here is my request: Sole Hope asks that those who host a party send a $10 donation for each pair of shoes that will be made from the patterns they cut out.  My hope was that we would end up with 10 pairs of shoes by the end of the night.  I was blown away when we completed 30 PAIRS OF SHOES!!!!  I am so excited!  Though, this does present me with a dilemma...the cost I need to send with the shoes is more than I was expecting or budgeting for.  The first 20 pairs of shoes have been covered thanks to the ladies who attended the party, monetary gifts I received for my birthday, and donations from some amazing people.  So, I still need the money for the other 10 pairs of shoes.  Would you be willing to donate just $10 for to help a pair of shoes make their way onto the feet of someone in Africa?  If you are willing, drop me an email or Facebook message and I'll get you the information you need to make out a check and my mailing address (if you're from out of town) so I can send the money in with the shoes. 

I feel so blessed to be part of this amazing ministry.  It is so much fun to sit and cut out these patterns.  I look forward to being able to do this as a family in the next few years (the kids are still a bit young to be able to do it correctly, yet.)  Thank you in advance to those who will participate.  We will never truly know the impact these shoes will have on lives there in Africa, from the ladies who will make the shoes, those who will give out the shoes, to those who will receive the shoes.  I just know God will do amazing things!

Fasting Fail

I must admit, today was a fasting fail.  I have tried to justify it to myself that I was on the road, not at home, with others who aren't fasting, and because I knew tomorrow was going to be a long, emotional day....but really...if I am going to be honest...it's just because I chose not to use self-control, because I decided to put my wants ahead of anything else, and I chose not to fast today.  I chose to ignore the nagging thought of children half-way around the world barely getting enough in their one meal today as I continually lifted food (that I didn't need and when I wasn't even hungry) to my mouth.  I chose to ignore the impulse to put down the chips, though I was eating them for the second time today, and pray for those around the world who would go to bed hungry this evening so they could give what meager food they had to their children in hopes they would live just one more day.  As I guzzled tea, hot chocolate, and soda, I pushed away the thoughts of those who would have to walk a day's journey (and usually it's children who do this task, meaning that they are missing out on an education in order to do this for their families) just to get enough clean water for their family for the day...not to mention all those who have no option for clean water and get more and more sick from drinking the dirty water that is their only option.  I am frustrated and angry with myself.  I am sick at my selfishness.  I am even more frustrated as I sit here and still contemplate excuses that will make me feel better about myself, even in this dismal failure of a day.  How will my children learn selflessness when all they see in me is selfishness and pride?  How will they learn self-control and self-discipline when all they see from me is laziness?  How will they learn to serve others and be giving if all they see from me is self-serving and no giving unless I am getting something in return?  Lord, help me!  Mold me!  Shape me!  Renew me!  Fill me with Your Spirit that those around me, especially my children see You and only You.  Lord, move my heart!  Fill it with You and remove the selfishness, pride, and laziness.  Remove any need for glory or fame that is not directed at You alone.  Let my children see You in all I do and say.  Lord, give me Your strength to complete this fast so that I may know You more, rely on you more, trust You more, and give more that Your name may be known throughout the world!

The First Few Days

Well, the 40 Days has started!  OK, it will actually be 46 because there will be Feast Days on Sundays included. (I am already looking forward to those days!)

Day 1:
Well, I learned today that without food I am very grumpy!  I am still eating breakfast and dinner, but fasting through lunch and attempting to fast from snacking.  Now, by no means was I starving, or really even the hungriest I have ever been, but I was a GRUMP!!!!  I never realized how much snacking I do in a day.  It really made me think of the thousands of people all over the world that can barely afford to eat one meal a day, let alone buying snacks to just munch on because I am bored or tired or anything but hungry. (And as God would have it, the portion that Sophie and I were reading today in our The Care and Keeping of You book was talking about being healthy in what and how we eat, including only eating when we are actually hungry.) My poor children today!  Praying that tomorrow will go a little better. 

My prayer time during lunch today was so good.  It was so nice to stop in the middle of the day and pause to talk to my Creator. (I was doing that twice a day, but haven't been so great at keeping that up.  I should get back to it.  It changed my whole day.)  Based on the events of last night and today, I spent today's prayer time praying for our country and its leaders. That was kind of hard to do today, but I am just so tired of hearing all the blaming and finger pointing, but I know that scripture tells us that God sets up kings and deposes them.  He is sovereign over all, so regardless of what happens, I can trust Him!

Can't wait until tomorrow to start the devotionals that go with this journey. (In order for the fest day devotionals to land on Sunday, you have to start doing them on a Wednesday.)

Day 2:
We started the devotional today.  Each day also includes a story of a person in an impoverished country.  Over breakfast we prayed for Irene and her home country of Uganda.  That is also what I prayed for during lunch.  May God bring healing, peace, and His Truth to the many people in need in that country!

Again today I was surprised by how much I just wanted to eat something, even though I wasn't hungry at all.  I am not sure I ever realized before how much I eat just because I am bored, or tired, or sad.  I also never realized how much food I actually have in the house!  One of the things I am going to try and do this month is make better use of what is already in the house.  I am so bad at thinking that there's "nothing to eat", so I run off to the store and get something else, and what I do have just sits there, untouched, and goes to waste.  And there are so many who would give anything to have that food.  We may be having some interesting things this month, but I am really putting forth an effort to use what we have already in our possession. 

Day 3:
Today was a real struggle.  Not totally sure why, but lots of guilt today.  I felt like everything I ate was just a reminder of how little someone else has.  Several times I wanted to grab a snack, but then would think of all the people around that world that don't even have the smallest, simplest snack as an option.  When they are hungry, it could be 24 hours or more before there's more food to eat.  And even then, it won't be enough to satisfy their hunger.  Yet, here I am, eating until I am so full I could puke at practically every meal and munching on things all day, not because I am hungry, but because it just gives me something to do.  How selfish and silly of me.  Do you know how much money we could save and be using elsewhere if we just stopped purchasing snacks for Kevin and I? I could probably feed an entire orphanage somewhere for a month just on what I would save in a week!  Sickening! 

A real test of my will happens tomorrow.  We're having lunch together as a group at our homeschool classes tomorrow.  Can I handle seeing everyone else eating and I'm not? (Yeah, I didn't plan that real well, timing wise, did I!?) I am thankful there will be lots of time for discussion and fellowship to take my mind off of things! 

Of course, I am very excited for Sunday, our first feast day!  We'll be celebrating it with some college students from church as they join us for lunch!  We're all excited!!!!!

Today I prayed for Ruth in Haiti.  There are days when there just isn't enough food for their family, so one or more of them must go without.  Can you imagine?  Lord, thank You for the amazing abundance You have given us.  Show us how to love like You using all this "stuff" (money, food, things, etc.) to care for Your amazing creation.

Day 4:
Lunch today was not as difficult as I thought it would be!  Snack time however!  It's not that is was hard to make it through snack time, it just showed me, once again, how much I eat without even thinking about it.  As I was placing the snacks on each plate I can't even count how many times I almost grabbed a pretzel for just a bite.  I even almost had a glass of apple juice without even thinking about it.  I am also finding that I am trying to create the silliest rules to make the snacking that I want to do "OK."

Today I am prayed for clean water in India.  This is a huge issue there and around the world.  Continue to pray that clean water will become a reality to the many who don't have it now.

Lord, thank you for the abundance You have given our family.  Help each of us to think before just eating something and use that as a moment to pour out praise and thanks to You!

The Winds of Change

Well, my 35th birthday just a few weeks away.  How did this happen?  Where has the time gone? (I am sure my parents are thinking the same thing!)

Lots of new things coming up this month!  Not only am I turning another year older, I am taking on the challenge of spending the next 40 days focusing on the poor.  I have no idea what God will do with this time, but I am praying that He will change the hearts and lives of my little family.  This will be hard for me, not just because I love food, but also because I tend to become very legalistic about things.  It will be hard for me not to do this with this challenge.  I am praying that God uses this time to help me cherish meal times, the amazing variety He has given us in food, the clean water that I take for granted, and the opportunity to help others out of our abundance.  I pray that through this our children see what an amazing Creator we have and how much He has blessed us.

Another new thing that has recently started is that I have temporarily stepped out of band and choir.  This was a very difficult decision reached through months of prayer and tears with Kevin and close friends.  There are two main reasons for this: 1) I really felt the need to sit with my children during worship.  I have been feeling the need to do this for some time, but just wasn't quite ready to make the step.  2) Our Sunday mornings have been so hectic that by the time we get to church it is nearly impossible to worship.  This also made it harder for the kids to focus.  Now that the kids and I don't have to be at church as early we have plenty of time for breakfast and even to read the Bible together before we go.  A pleasant by-product of this is the opportunity to do more drama at church, which I have really been missing.  God is blessing this decision so far and I look forward to seeing how God will use this new season of life. (Of course, I do miss band and choir!)

Lord, take this new season of life and use it to transform my family.  Change my heart and the heart of my children.  Mold us to be more like You each day!

40 Days of Solidarity With The Poor

As part of my month of giving in October, we'll be doing 40 days of solidarity with the poor (on a slightly smaller scale than the book suggests) in order to spend less on food and give the extra money to a group that helps feed or provide clean water to those in need around the world.  I am thinking we'll go with Compassion International.  We toured there this summer and we were just blown away by all the amazing work they do in so many countries.

We won't be going down to one meal a day, as many of the poor are forced to do, mainly because that's not all that healthy, especially for the kids.  We will be doing our best to eat like the poor, both in the US and around the world.  Some nights we'll be doing $5 meals (huge thanks to Jessica Bonvillian for coming up with those for me) and some nights we'll pick a country and eat some of the things the poor in that country would eat.  I am going eat just breakfast and dinner and fast for lunch to pray for those in need and how our family can be part of the solution for the many, both in the US and around the world, who suffer from lack of food and clean water.  I will be drinking only water for the whole month (so, those of you who see me, you may have to remind me of this!)

Every Sunday is a celebration day.  This is to remind us that, as Christians, each Sunday is to be a taste of the greatest day on our calendar: Easter.  We are called to live lives of joy, not merely constant sorrow.  These feasting days are a reminder of that.  I was also challenged to invite someone to lunch each Sunday of the month (mainly because she knew that would be WAY out of my comfort zone.)  I am trying to embrace that challenge and face it head on, but I'll admit, it's not easy for me!

Here are some quotes from Chris Seay's book A Place at the Table: 40 Days of Solidarity with the Poor that really hit home with me. I can't wait to embark on this challenge.  There is a short devotion and story of some one's life, along with a way to pray, for each day to help get us through and see the truth of what those living in poverty around the world go through each day.  Lord, mold us and change us as we see the truth of poverty.  Make us more joyful and aware of even the smallest blessings each day.  Open our eyes and hearts to how we can help and give more of ourselves to those in need, both across the street and on the other side of the globe!

"God changes the world through humility and service."
"As we learn to march in step with our Savior, we find that our swagger gives way to a lowly and humble way of walking."
"We have allowed our love of freedom to become and excuse to live a life marked by self-absorbed consumerism."
"We often see ourselves most clearly in our children."  (Can I get a resounding AMEN?!?!?)
"The fact that God sustains our lives by a gift from His hand should cause us to stop everything and offer a sincere thanks, but so often we do not."
"The time has come to see the food set before us as manna--our miraculous provision for the day.  Certainly, if you haven't grown it, gathered it, transported it, frozen it, or packaged it, it is a miracle that it makes it to your table.  Avocados from Mexico become guacamole on a table in Minnesota in December?  Amazing."
"Feast days are a time for us to relax our fast and enjoy the extravagant grace of our Father."
"Ask God to transform your character in ways that lead you to be a person of humble strength like Jesus."
"Our goal is that our desires no longer drive our lives."
"Prepare for the unexpected."
"As we step into the wilderness, we will have to face many fears.  The world's economy drives people by fear.  God's way is to bring people comfort in grace and love.  May we lay down our desires and seek the heart of God...May He use this time to start and complete wholeness in our mind, body, and spirit...Be courageous, step out in faith, lay yourself down for 40 days, and see what rises in your life."

A Big, Crazy, Wild Idea

Ok, so that's pretty much what all my ideas are (so sorry for all of you that get drug along with me!)  Anyway, as most of you probably know (or maybe not), I turn 35 this year (shocking, I know!  My amazingly young looks probably had you fooled!)  Anywho, I've really been thinking and praying about how I can start off this new year of life in a way that means more, that gives more, and looks more to others than myself.  How can I use this "momentous" occasion to model God's love, grace, and servanthood to my children and others around me.

Then I had a crazy idea: what if I "celebrate" for the entire month?  But, instead of celebrating me, I want to make it a month of sacrifice for me that results in gifts for others.  But, how to do this?  I have thought of two ways that I am praying about how to put into effect for my birthday.

The first is to host a shoe cutting party for Sole Hope (check them out here: http://www.solehope.com/who-we-are/ and here: http://www.solehope.com/get-involved/ and here: http://letsgivetoday.com/sole-hope-shoe-cutting-parties/).  Not quite sure just how to organize this, yet, but I can't wait to do it!  Should it be just a few friends and their hubbies?  Just a few close ladies?  Should I invite lots of ladies and make it a girl's night out so we can make more shoes?  I just don't know.  My heart wants to think BIG and make it a church-wide ladies event, but my brain knows that sometimes my heart gets ahead of me and I need to slow down and take baby steps first!  So, I am praying about the best way to do this. 
I also want to take the month of October (though I know it will take about a week longer than the month) to do the 40 Days of Solidarity with the Poor (http://chrisseay.net/).  We would take the month of October and eat like the poorest people in the world, do a devotion each day that will draw us closer to God and share the story of someone from one of those places, and at the end of the month we donate the money that we didn't spend on groceries to a group that feeds the poor.  Now, don't worry, while I will most likely be going as far as possibly only eating one meal a day (dinner), the children will not be doing that.  Our dinner each night will be something from one of the poorest countries, but they will still get a normal breakfast and lunch.  The point isn't to make ourselves ill, but to try and truly understand how people around the world live, to see the blessings we have lavished on us each day, and seek how we can use what God has given us to love others. 

I would also like to take each day, using two "extra", intentional prayer times each day to pray for the people in the countries we will be eating like on that particular day.

This all seems so overwhelming, yet so exciting for me.  Kevin was supportive, which is such a blessing!  He knows just what I need from him in terms of support and reigning in.  Thank You Lord, for a husband who balances me so well!  We'll be doing lots of talking, praying, and planning between now and October and I can't wait to update you throughout October with how things are going!  Thank You in advance for prayers  about this crazy idea and how God will use it in our family to draw our children to Him and change all of our hearts to be more like His!

Where Am I?

That's kind of how I feel at the moment.  I feel torn and pushed in so many directions, that I am not always sure just where I am.  My heart longs to be in one place with God, yet I constantly seem to be in another, not sure where I should go or what I should do.  How do I accomplish what my heart so much wants?  How do I become the wife, mother and person that I know God has called me to be?  How do I get from here to there?  Though I find myself "stuck" much of the time, not knowing what to do or where to go, I am thankful for those brief glimpses of proof that I am growing, moving, and "getting it" at times.  Beth Moore, Jen Hatmaker or Ann Voskamp I will never be, but that's OK because that is no who God has called me to be.  He has called me to be Heather McSmith, wife, mother, teacher, hard worker, and servant to as many people as I can while on this earth.  Do I have all the answers as to how I am supposed to serve, no, and I don't think that I ever will.  I must remain awake, open, and willing to do whatever He asks whenever He asks.  Here are just some random thoughts on the summer, so far:

--A month without TV was not as difficult for me (or the kids...Kevin was a different story) as I thought.  God allowed me to use that time to study His word, prepare lessons for our church to use in Family Quest, read with my children, and just enjoy uninterrupted time with my husband and children.  I don't think we'll ever go 100% no TV or anything, but we'll be cutting back and using that time to love on each other and others as best we can.

--I am so thankful that though friends may be far away, they are still friends.  I am thankful for Skype so I can see their faces and emails so we can send prayer requests and silly thoughts.  I am thankful for Facebook, which allows me to still feel like a part of their lives.  I am also thankful for all these things when friends who are near go on vacation!!!  I know it probably shouldn't be, but email and Facebook are a lifeline to me, even with friends who live just across town, in this crazy, child-rearing time of my life.  If I didn't have those, I seriously think I would end every day by sitting down and crying!

--I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to home school.  Now, hear me out, I don't think it's for everyone (though I will admit that I wish everyone could home school just for a semester--you'd understand your kids better and you'd be much more sympathetic to their teachers), but it is what God has called us to do at this time.  God has used this to teach me so much!  First, I never even came close to understanding how selfish I am until I started homeschooling.  If a project took too much work on my part, then I just didn't do it.  It didn't matter if it would help the kids learn, I didn't want to take the time.  Yeah, teaching isn't my gift!  Second, I have learned so much about my kids, how they learn, how they think, etc.  I have been able to see God's handiwork in such a different way by being their teacher. (I am sure all you teachers out there have known all these things for awhile.  You get to experience these joys times like 20 everyday!  Of course, you also experience the bad times 20, so I guess it evens out!) What joy it is to watch them read for the first time or figure out a math problem for the first time!  Third, I've learned that if I will just rely on God, I will be far more capable of things than I ever thought possible.  I mean, really, me digging into the Word and history and science and teaching it to someone else?  I never would have dreamed it was possible, so I know it was all from God!  Last, I learned a whole new level of love and respect for those teaching outside of the home.  You guys, seriously, they don't even earn a fraction of what they're worth!  Lesson plans, projects, grading papers, field trips, it's all overwhelming for just 2 students, I have no idea how you do it for 25-30.  And without parental help?  That's amazing!  Hats off to all of you who get up everyday and do all you can to be salt and light in the dark world of public education.  You are warriors on one of the most important battlefields and protecting the most important assets on the planet, and no one gets it.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, I could not do what you do!  (Thankfully, God has not asked me to!)

--So, I have to admit, I sat and cried at the pool the other day.  Kevin was with me and we were talking and I just started crying.  Like weeping and sobbing.  It was a little embarrassing.  I had my sunglasses on, so I'm hoping no one else noticed, but I am guessing they were all just being polite and trying not to stare at the crazy lady!  It made me so thankful for a husband willing to put up with all my craziness, love me anyway, and pour out wisdom when it's most needed.  I was feeling very overwhelmed with insecurity and failure, and he said and did just what I needed at the time.  He is such a gift from God to me.  My heart so desperately wants to look in the eyes of each of those unadoptable orphans and tell them they have a Father who loves them more than they can imagine, I want to hug them, hold their hands, sing with them, laugh with them, just pour into them...but that door just isn't being opened right now.  And I have to admit that it's most likely because I am not even willing to care for the widow down the street.  If I can't do that, why would He trust me with more?  How will my kids every learn to love and sacrifice for others if they don't see it in me?  I don't want to live for me, I want to live for Him, to serve Him and serve and love on His people.  Why is that so hard to do?  Lord, mold me and shape me into the person You desire me to be so that You will receive glory.  Show me how to love those around me.  Show me how to serve those around me selflessly that they might see You through me.  Give me strength and boldness to reach out to my neighbors consistently.  Lord, help!

--As Kevin and I were talking the other day we really wanted to think of something that we could sacrifice as a family, that would affect all of us, that we could in turn use to help others.  We couldn't think of anything.  Not because we have so little that there was little to give, but because when we started thinking of it, none of it was really a sacrifice.  We wouldn't have to go without food or shelter or clothing or anything of true importance in order to help others, either here or around the world.  We were blown away by how blessed and spoiled we are.  Lord, I don't know why You have chosen to give us so much, but please show us how we can turn around and give it right back to You, to be used for Your Kingdom, so that many may come to know You.

A Little of this, A Little of That

Well, we are nearing the end of our first TV free week.  I have to say, it hasn’t been too bad.  Of course, the fact that we’ve already been without internet for 2 ½ weeks (which means no Netflix or Amazon Prime) helped us get used to not having a lot of the shows we would normally watch.  And having VBS every night (which is when most of the TV watching happens) has also helped.  God really blessed us with a busy, so therefore fairly easy, first no TV week.  One of the hardest times (and yes, I am admitting my poor parenting skills for the whole world to know) is when the kids eat lunch.  See, I let the kids eat lunch while they watch one of their shows, and then I eat upstairs and read a book.  That, most times, is the only time I have to just sit and read and not feel guilty about not doing the laundry or the dishes, etc.  I have missed that time (because, well, I really like to read), but we’ve been using that time this week to finish up the read aloud portions of our history book, so it hasn’t been a total loss!  One of the things we learned today I was even able to put into the VBS lesson this evening!  Kevin and I usually will watch a show or two after we have put the kids to bed, which I thought would be hard to give up, but I have been so exhausted every night when I got home from VBS that I just fell right into bed and fell asleep.  Again, I am pretty sure that was all by God’s design just to help me make it through this first week!  He is such a loving God who knows just what we need…even when it’s to be totally exhausted by 3 hours singing praises with children!

We still have no internet and I am trying really hard to see the blessing here (other than the one I stated in the previous paragraph…so far that’s really the only one I am seeing!)  I am sure there is a lesson I am to be learning here, and I am pretty sure I am not learning it seeing as how I still can’t see the good in this.  Oh, hey, I just thought of another blessing from this…just another week and a half without internet and I will have saved myself one whole month’s payment!  That’s money that can be used in so many other ways to serve others instead of myself.  Lord, thanks for making the ugly beautiful (especially since this ugly is really nothing in comparison to what others are facing.)

I’ve had a great time at VBS this week.  The songs are fun and catchy (some might even make me a little teary).  The kids are so full of energy!  Man, I will sleep hard come Friday night, for sure!  It has also made me really thankful this week that the Lord has allowed me to see how He has been growing me as a “teacher” (and yes, I use that term VERY LOOSELY in reference to myself!) since I started homeschooling.  A year or two ago, you wouldn’t catch me doing a lick of teaching in any way, shape or form.  This year I had a blast working up a very small, short lesson for Kidz Choir each week for each song we were learning and I had a really fun time reminding the kids of their stories each night as they came to music at VBS.  Now, don’t get me wrong, none of these were stellar lessons and no awards will be given (so thankful that in both cases kindergarten teacher extraordinaire, Megan Craig, was with me to help break down anything that was still a little over the kids’ heads), but even a year ago I couldn’t have done that.  There’s even been once or twice I was able to throw something together kind of at the last minute, which does not happen for this girl!  I don’t improv well on stage and I do an even worse job improving (Is that even a word?  How is it spelled?).  This girl needs a script, yet God has grown me so much in the last two years that I was able to spend an entire week at VBS helping lead opening and closing without one and helping to lead pre-school music without one.  I know this probably seems so small to many of you, but this is huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge to me!  One, I know that I couldn’t do this at all if we hadn’t stepped out in obedience and started homeschooling where I was forced to do this on a daily basis, and two, so often I just feel like I am getting nowhere when it comes to God.  I feel like I desire to be better and desire to serve more and give more and love more, but yet, nothing ever changes.  This has been such an encouragement that I have changed, but sometimes, those changes take time.  I am still not so great at the whole lesson plan thing, but God has blessed me with being part of the Family Quest team and with the help of those wonderful ladies and the sweet Jess Corkern, I am slowly learning that, too!

Lord, thank You for opening my eyes to Your work in me and around me.  Lord, thank You that You never fail.  Thank You that You never change.  Thank You for being patient and loving, yet You discipline when you need to, all to bring me back to You.  Lord, help me to be more like You as I serve my family as wife and mother, and as I serve others as an ambassador for You.