A Hard Week and Hard Milestones

This last week has been hard, to say the least and put it mildly. BUT GOD has been working at all times. My brain is still a bit like mush (a combination of grief and VBS!) Here are a few things that have happened, been going on, and/or God has been up to in my crazy life since last I wrote:

A dear friend lost her sister. This was rough. It's the first loss I've been close to since Kevin passed away. A million familiar feelings and thoughts whizzed through my mind. Some moments it was hard to keep my tears for my own situation at bay. BUT GOD truly blessed me with the opportunity to be a #tablesitter for a woman who was a #tablesitter for me at the most inconvenient time for her and her family. For at least four days she sat at my table and comforted me, made me laugh, let me cry, let me stare into space, and wrote thank you cards for me. She even let us hold and love on her beautiful infant daughter, which brought much joy and healing. She did all this, leaving us only to go home to sleep before coming back again the next day, when she really needed to be packing to move her family to a new continent to begin their work as missionaries. There were hard moments around her table, BUT GOD made those healing moments as He allowed me to stop thinking of and doing things only for myself, but allowed me to stand in the gap for and with others. I didn't really have any words and just sat there most of the time without saying anything, but it was a JOY and healing to write thank you notes, just as she did for me. Don't get me wrong, I am praying for #nomoretables, but it was peace and JOY and love and healing sitting there. I even met some new people who have been just where I've been and could give me some wise words in my healing process because they have walked this road before me.

We pulled our first tooth without Kevin. This seems like a silly milestone to write about. It feels a little silly to write it. But this was a big deal, for both me and Ethan. I am so proud of the way he just marched right into the bathroom, grabbed the dental floss, and worked at that tooth just like Kevin would have. He was so brave. And I know that was really painful. Mainly because the tooth didn't come out until two days later! The big smile on his face when that tooth came out was priceless. And God used that tiny, silly little moment to show me that we can do this. We can do this because God is with us and for us, in the big and little.  

We made our first trip to the city pool without the possibility of Kevin showing up to surprise us. We've spent A LOT of time at the city pool the last 7 summers. Kevin didn't always get to go with us, but he sure loved to surprise us every now and then by just taking the afternoon off and just showing up to play. The kids loved it when he did that! It would make their day every time. I loved watching their faces light up and how hard they had to work not to run right out of the fence to hug him as soon as they saw him. I will miss that. It was always one of the best parts of the summer. BUT GOD will give us fun, new moments each time we visit. Of this I am sure. It will be hard, at times, to press on to make those new memories, but I will lean on Christ and we will forge ahead and make new memories every day.  

Sophie invited a stranger to VBS for the first time ever. Sophie spent some time playing with a little girl we didn't know at the pool today and she invited her to VBS at our church. I am so proud of her! She is a lot like her mother and this sort of thing is WAAAAAAY beyond her comfort zone. She's never done anything like this before, which made me even more proud of her. She was a little bummed that she felt the girl was a little annoyed that she asked her to go, BUT GOD let that be a teaching moment for her. I was able to tell her that all she could do was be obedient to tell her about VBS, but it was up to the girl what she did with that. It's just like saying yes to accepting God's free gift of salvation; I have to be obedient to teach my two precious kiddos all I can about God and His word, but it's up to them to decide whether or not they will submit to God and be saved. It was a lesson we both needed.

I am planning and packing for our first family vacation as a family of three. I was not prepared for the emotions that would accompany this. I cannot even wrap my brain around it. Kevin always booked hotels and got us amazing deals on various things. Even thinking about doing that gives me a headache. I do not have the patience it takes to sit and look through listings and call and talk to people, etc. I am praying God will lead and guide as I look and that He will remove the stress so we can all just enjoy the time away, visiting a new place, and just being together in a different environment.

I got a tattoo. Kevin and I had been talking about getting tattoos. As soon as he decided what he wanted, we were going to go together to get them. So, I went with some friends and got what I had decided almost a year ago I wanted. Two little words on my right wrist. "Hosanna" because it used to be a desperate plea for God to send salvation (like you would cry in hopes that the lifeguard would come if you were drowning), but has come to be a a victorious shout because salvation has come (like you would shout as you see and know the lifeguard is on the way). I often need the reminder that salvation has come. He is here. He is with us. I don't have to wait or beg or hope He'll show up. He.is.here. It's on my right wrist because many times in the Bible God talks about saving with His mighty right arm. The other word is "eucharisteo". This word is used in scripture in the account of the Last Supper. As Jesus takes the bread and the cup he gives thanks. Eucharisteo. Thanks. In the midst of the hard. One of the hardest moments of His life. He was breaking bread as a symbol of His body being broken for our salvation, yet He still gave thanks. I often need the reminder to give thanks, regardless of the situation or circumstance. I need the reminder that there's always, always, always a reason to be thankful. That's also why it's written on my wall.  

Father, there are a lot more firsts coming up in the next year. Some will be harder than others. Some will carry happier memories than others. We need You to help us through each one of them. Show us the grace in each moment. Show us Your hand in every hurt and hard circumstance. Lord, use each one of these firsts to reveal more of Yourself to my children, drawing them to salvation. Take this hurt, this hard, this grief and use every moment of it for Your glory. In my life. In Sophie's life. In Ethan's life. Teach us to trust You. To rest in You. Make each of us more like You everyday.

#choosingjoybyblessing

That was the theme for our day yesteday, April 28, 2016. If he hadn't passed away in March, that would have been my husband's 34th birthday. I knew it would be a hard day. I knew there would be sadness. And tears. And not wanting to move.

I had a choice: wallow in my sadness (and take my children with me), or choose JOY in the hard and teach my children that, even in the hard, God is good. Obedience brings blessing. Loving God and loving others really do matter.

I wanted to choose the first one. I wanted a day of nothing but laying in bed, watching movies, and crying. But, honestly, that did no one any good, least of all my children. That choice did nothing to honor the man I with whom spent 15 years loving, serving, and building a family. I knew that I had to choose to see the JOY in the hard. There was only one way to do that: lean in to God, the source of any strength I may have (and believe me, there isn't much!) To honor Kevin's memory on his birthday I wanted to do two things--serve others in a way that Kevin loved to serve others and share God with those we chose to serve.

One of the things Kevin loved to do most was to give people gifts that they could truly use but weren't expecting. I am not quite sure how it happened, but I decided that I wanted to give Sonic gift cards to HLGU students. We met and fell in love at HLG and it's almost finals time. It was perfect! My sweet friend Larinee helped me to refine the idea and wrote a poem I could give with each gift card. On top of that, when cleaning out some of Kevin's things, I found an old Christmas card that still had money in it that was a little more than the amount I had planned to spend, allowing me to add two more gift cards. Isn't God good?

Yesterday was probably the best day we've had in 6 weeks. Yes, there were some tears. Yes, we missed Kevin a little more than the day before. But, it was oh, so sweet, to take my kids to several places just for the purpose of spoiling other people. We had a very good conversation about sacrificing in order to share Christ with others and the truth that obedience brings blessings, even when that blessing doesn't come right away or in the form we thought it would take. We talk about how much daddy loved giving gifts to people and how good he was at getting just the perfect thing for people. We had some laughs as we talked about funny stories or silly things daddy did or said. It was just a wonderful day.

I needed that day. If feel so self-absorbed right now. My brain is stuck in grief mode and I've had a really hard time thinking beyond my four walls. Sometimes I can't even think within these walls. Sometimes I can't even think at all. I hate this feeling. I hate that someone else had to clean my house, wash my laundry, plan my daughter's birthday party, head up things that I was supposed to do, and much more. I hate that I don't feel up to standing in the gap when others need help. I hate that I haven't had the words to write notes of love and encouragement to all those amazing ladies who have loved me through these hard days in every way they can. I want to live a life that points others to Christ and pours itself out being His hands and feet. It felt really good to do that yesterday.

Here's just a little glimpse into our day of #choosingjoybyblessing yesterday:

 Heading out for the day.

 Breakfast at Java Jive, one of Kevin's favorite places.

 One of the two extra gift cards we were able to purchase.

 We left those two on random cars in downtown Hannibal.

 We walked a few blocks because Kevin loved walking around downtown Hannibal.

 The kids insisted we take pics here. It's the bench where we had most of our family pictures taken.

 The note and gift cards we left for students at HLGU.

 All the numbers meant something to us. I love that the way Sophie posed for each of these pictures was so her!

 Note how differently he was posed! So him!

 I even went for a run, something Kevin also enjoyed. He always tried to get me to run with him, but I didn't get into running until he couldn't run anymore.

 Birthday gelato at another favorite place of Kevin's: Stam's.

Our version of birthday cake.

We picked out shoes to send to Bethesda, the orphanage where our friends will be living and working, starting Monday!

I think one of the most exciting parts of the day was hearing from the teacher of a student whose meal we paid for in the McDonald's drive-through. We were so sad when we got there and there was no one behind us. We stopped, prayed for God to send someone, then pulled up to order. Just as we started to order, a car pulled up behind us. This teacher said her student brought in the card we gave them, ready it to her, and, though he doesn't pray, said that he would start praying by praying by us. It also opened the door for her to share our story with her class. It was a beautiful example to my kiddos that, truly, obedience brings blessing. When we choose to use what God has given us (time, money, talents, etc) He will bless us and bless others.

Father, give me Your eyes and Your heart so that I can be Your hands and feet. Steal my children's hearts! Let today be the day of Sophie's salvation! Let today be the day of Ethan's salvation. Adopt them! Make them new creations in You who have a passion for You and sharing You lovingly with all they meet. Mold us. Shape us. Use us!

Thank You Just Doesn't Seem Like Enough

You.All. This tribe called Calvary Baptist Church is just too much. Too.Much! Not only have they given food, money, hugs, screen doors, and more prayers than I could every possibly count, they knocked it out of the park this weekend fixing up our home. My kitchen and basement are amazing. I can actually see in the bathroom. The new paint is perfect! It's all just too.much. I have no idea how in the world to thank everyone. To be honest, I don't even know who or how many people were involved, so I don't know who to even thank!

My dear Calvary family: thank you for loving God and loving people. Thank you for doing both well! Your words and your deeds speak volumes to me about how deeply you love our Savior and our family. I am blown away by how well you are taking care of our every need. I am so sorry that over the last year or so you've had to learn how to grieve well with others, but I am thankful you were such fast and diligent learners. What you did in my home this weekend is just beyond words! I seriously felt like I was on an episode of Fixer Upper! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I forgot to take before pictures and, sadly, many of you probably didn't see it in person (hospitality is NOT my gift. In fact, the thought of having people in my home almost makes me break out in hives. God has really stretched me in the last three weeks!) so you won't know the true amazing work that these men and women did, but I do want you to see the end result of their hard work. It's beautiful! And it just might make me like hospitality!

Enjoy these beautiful pictures and join me in thanking all those who were here and made this possible!

This might just be my favorite thing! This is my eucharisteo (giving thanks with JOY) wall where we'll be able to count all the grace upon grace God lavishes on us!

Three of the four dining room walls used to be green. I love the new color!

New bathroom vent, new color on the wall, new ceiling, and they super cleaned the tub.

Is this not totally beautiful? Kevin bought this tile 3 or 4 years ago to put in the kitchen, but he never got around to it. They put it in this weekend. I LOVE IT!

They even put a fresh coat of paint on the kitchen cabinets. This tribe is just too much!

That flooring. I just...I can't even!

Is this not just gorgeous?!?!?! (That video chair was Kevin's from high school. The kids love it! I can't even believe it's still in one piece.)

Sophie is pretty excited to have a spot to dance! I am thankful for a spot to exercise when I can't run with the girls. And that bookshelf. Kevin built that for me to hold our school stuff.

I love that I have a new shower curtain! Ethan helped me pick it out, so we got the feminine design with a strong, manly color.

So, Kevin used to have his hair gel sitting next to the faucet at the sink. Everyone always used it thinking it was hand soap. No one will make that mistake anymore!

Father, thank You for the blessing of this amazing church family. We have done nothing to deserve the love that they have lavished on us, but I am overwhelmed with gratitude for it. Bless their obedience. Bless their sacrifice. Teach us to use this space they have so lovingly provided for us to honor and glorify You at all times. Lord, use the way our church loves You and loves people to change this community in Your name.

Love Comes at What Cost?

This has been a long, crazy, full week. But, what we did to start the week has had my mind spinning all week. The first thing we did on Monday was to purchase food for the food pantry so we could bring our donation to the Kidz Choir musical this weekend.

In church a few weeks ago, I gave a challenge to our church in reference to bringing food. I challenged them to do three things: be intentional (make a specific trip to the store to get your items rather than just pulling things from the back of the pantry, take your children with you and let them pick out and pay for their items), shop as if you were shopping for your own family, and pray over the food you purchase and the families that will receive the food. I shared this challenge because God had challenged me with those same things. I had no idea how much this would affect me when we actually got to the store.

Even though I had been feeling the conviction of this challenge for weeks, when I got to the store I was still tempted to get the cheapest and easiest things to grab and get on with the day. I really had to force myself to slow down, let the kids lead, and when I did, God broke my heart. I was amazed at the love, care, and excitement with which they were racing through the aisles to find things to give to others. Some things they saw and just wanted to get because they thought it would be yummy and others they really thought through. Without me having to guide them they wanted to get things for spaghetti and tacos because that would be two meals for which we could provide everything but the meat. They each picked out their favorite cereal. We worked hard to get as much healthy food as we could, but we also wanted to spoil them a bit, too. After all, Christmas breakfast for some families may come from the food pantry. We wanted them to have the chance to have something as special as we would. The kids chose a Cinnabon baking kit. We also got some of the small essentials, spices, peanut butter, jelly, etc. We did spend more than I was planning, but as the kids and I were there I couldn't help but think of all the ways we had been blessed, that though it was more than I was planning, it wasn't more than we could afford. It truly was a joy and a delight to choose things and think of the way families may enjoy each item. The joy my kids had in picking things out was so contagious. I am so thankful we did that together.

Of course, it also got me thinking. What price do I put on the love I give to others? Do I draw my own  lines and decide what's too much for me to give? What takes too much time? Do I decide when it's just too much or do I turn my life over to God and say, "Use me! Fill me with You and use me until I am empty, then fill me again." Do I love all people, as I encourage my children and others to do, or do I really only love those who are like me or who are easy to love? Do I stretch myself and pour out all I have and all I've been given to serve the God who gave His very life for my sins? What things in my life need to change? What needs to stay the same? How can I be the example my kids need on how to trust God, love Him with all my heart and soul, and giving all I have for the Savior I claim to love.

Oh, Father, stir my heart to love all of Your people in very real, tangible ways. Give me a heart for loving and encouraging others. Give me boldness to declare Your love and Truth to those who do not know You. Draw my children to You and mold them into godly people who love and serve You with their whole lives. Lord, begin working, even now, in the hearts and lives of those who will be receiving the food we purchased. Use this small act of love to reveal Yourself to them. Give our staff a chance to pray for them when they come to pick up their food. Show our church body, and my family, how to genuinely love, respect, and serve those who come to our food pantry.

A Little of This, A Little of That, and Even Some Christmas, Too!

Lots of random thoughts in no particular order:

Pretty sure I will not be getting the Mother of the Year award from Sophie after this conversation today:
S: Mom, can you buy me a Christmas dress this year?
Me: A Christmas dress? You have a whole closet full of dresses you hardly wear.
S: But those aren't Christmassy dresses.
Me: So you want me to go buy you a Christmassy dress so you can wear it once and not wear it again because it's too Christmassy? Do you really think that's the best stewardship of our money?
S:blank stare
Me: I am not buying you a Christmas dress. But, if you really want one, you can buy it yourself.
S:blank stare. She walks away without a word.
Not sure what she was thinking and she hasn't brought it up since. We'll see if she mentions it again the next time we're headed to the store.

Why are my children so full of energy at bedtime, but when it's time for school they can barely move and are "sooooo tired!" Really? Please tell me my kids aren't the only ones.

It got really cold today. And part of me got really excited! I love winter...well, the sparkling snow, sledding, sitting inside with hot chocolate part of winter. Today, was not that kind of winter. I am a firm believer that if it's going to be really cold there should at least be snow with it to make it worth our while. Am I right?!?

I love sweaters. Especially in fall and winter.

I also love scarves. But I don't know how to wear them. So I don't wear them very often.

I am thankful for crock pots and soup. Also hot chocolate, snow pants, snow boots, hills, sleds, toilet paper, Internet, and so much more.

Sometimes, being the adult is no fun.

Honest confession here: There have been many times when I am downstairs and the kids are upstairs that I wish they had a phone only because I would love to be able to text them something instead of having to walk upstairs and tell them face-to-face. Yeah, lazy. I know. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has had that thought. Please.

Oddly, in the last two years, I've suddenly become a huge fan of non-fiction books. This had to have come straight from the Lord because, until then, I couldn't spend more than about 10 minutes reading anything that wasn't pure fiction. Seriously. Now, my book wish list is over flowing, and none of it is fiction! Maybe I really am growing up.

I struggle with jealousy (and I am starting to see this come out in my daughter, too, which is pretty scary!) Sometimes it's jealousy over silly little things-an outfit, a pair of boots, some one's ability. But where I've noticed it most lately is in those good, godly things-jealous of the connection some seem to have to Christ, jealous of the missions opportunities others have. My heart just wants to go, get out there and hold those babies, run in the red dirt with school age children, sit close and comfort a child as they are having jiggers removed from their feet, to be on the front lines of the orphan crisis. I have prayed and prayed that God would allow me the opportunity to go, but as of yet, He has kept that door closed. I work hard to see all that I can do here, and He has certainly opened a lot of doors I never would have expected here in Hannibal, but there is still so much of my heart that wants go. A little part of me wants to wallow and cry each time I hear of another person heading out to the field. I have to work really hard to trust God and not give into that self-pity. If I believe that God is completely sovereign, which I do, then I must believe that His answer of stay, at least for now, is what will bring Him the most glory through my life. Oh, Lord, help me to always be seeking Your will over my wants and wishes.

I love Christmas. I love the lights, the trees, the chill in the air, the snow, the music. I just love Christmas! But, it also brings this huge war within me. I want to celebrate Christmas to fullest, but how can I do that without losing focus on what this special time of year is supposed to remind us of? How can I draw my children to Christ in this season when I am so easily tempted by what the world? THIS BLOG POST really hits where my heart is every year at Christmas. The extreme side of me just wants to forgo presents and use all the money we would have spent on presents to buy chickens, sewing machines, mosquito nets, milk, clean water, etc, for the poorest around the world. Yet, the not so extreme side of me loves to watch the joy on my children's faces as they open presents on Christmas morning. Oh, Lord, lead and guide. Show me how to have the balance of praising and worshiping You at this time we've set aside to specifically focus on the fact that sent Your Son here to die in our place and being a small example of the love and mercy to my children that You showed us in that manger. Show me how to love on my children, give them good gifts (even though those gifts will never be as good as the gifts You give us), yet not spoil them or lose sight of the joy of the truth that You sent Your perfect, sinless Son to show me how to live and to die in my place.

So, I'm Turning 36 This Year

And I couldn't be more excited to share with you how I am celebrating this year!

Earlier this summer I had the opportunity to travel to Nashville and visit with several members of the B and H Kids team (a division of Lifeway) to talk about the possibility of some new things with Bibleman. Nothing is set in stone as far as that goes, but while I was there they showed me a new Bible they have called The Big Picture Interactive Bible. I.love.this.Bible. (My children both have one! In fact, I even use it during our worship service each week.) It has so many cool features. There's an app so you can scan pictures and learn more about the Bible and even some background information. Throughout the Bible, there are 100 scriptures highlighted to memorize, Big Questions are answered, Big Words are defined, and there are Christ Connections that show us how we see Christ in different books and passages of the Bible. It's great for kids and parents to use together, but also really great for kids to use on their own in their personal quiet time.

Then the Lord put something on my heart that just wouldn't go away. How amazing would it be to be able to put this Bible in the hands of children, right here in our own community, who most likely have no Bible of their own and no parent willing to read it to them? In fact, there may not even be a Bible in the home at all. Of course, if you know me, you know that I am thinking of our precious Afterschool Adventures kids. But, I knew that I couldn't afford to put this Bible in each of their hands myself, so I set the idea aside.

Then, I remembered my birthday. It was perfect! So, here's the plan:

I want to use my birthday to raise the funds to purchase these Bibles for each of our Afterschool Adventures kids. I am hoping that I can get 36 people to donate $36 each in order to purchase 36 Bibles. That is a few more than the number of students we currently have, but, that would allow us to have extra Bibles for any new students or any parents who may decide they want their own Bible, too. (And, it helps keep the "36" theme!) Even more exciting, I have a sweet friend who is going to donate 1 Bible for every 2 we raise funds for during this time. So, we really have the possibility of buying over 40 Bibles to be used right here in Hannibal! (The price of the Bibles may end up being a little less than $36 as I am working with the Lifeway store in Bridgeton, MO to purchase them there. So, I will purchase as many Bibles as the money we receive will purchase, even if it's more than 36, and any extra money once the Bibles are purchased will go into the Afterschool Adventures fund to help us purchase supplies needed to continue to minister to the students and their families.)

Through my time with Bibleman, and also many times since becoming a parent, the Lord has reminded me of His promise that His word will not return void. I know these kiddos may not understand every word they read, but I also know I serve a mighty God who has given us His Holy Spirit to instruct, guide, and convict, often times using His word. Just think what He could do with His word and these kiddos! I just. I can't even! I was really struck with the thought the other day that not only might this be the first Bible these kids own, it may be the only one they ever have. That made me even more anxious to get this fundraiser started.

So, from now until Oct. 20, I am hoping to raise enough money to buy at least 36 Bibles. Then, on my birthday, Oct. 29,  I'll be able to gather some friends and pray over these Bibles that will go to our sweet Afterschool kiddos. I know that's a lot of money and I know many people reading this probably don't know me or the kids who will get these Bibles, but I pray you will still be moved to help me reach the "least of these" here in my community with His word.

If you want to donate, but don't live in Hannibal, please contact me via Facebook for PayPal or mailing address information.

Interrupted and Overwhelmed

I just finished reading Jen Hatmaker's book, Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity for the second time. This was the new new, expanded version. I felt just as excited and convicted and overwhelmed as I did the first time I read it!

This book is really Jen's personal story of God interrupting her comfortable, affluent life by showing her the needs of the "least of these" around her.  She, her husband, and their three (at the time) children changed jobs, moved, and started a new church whose mission was to love and serve God with their whole hearts and lives out in the real world. (OK, there was more to it than that, but if I typed it here you wouldn't have to read the book!)

The first time I read this book I felt much like Jen, knowing there was more out there than I was doing or experiencing, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  God used her pointing out Isaiah 58 to interrupt my life.  My time in the Word and in prayer should result in more than just me feeling better or knowing more about God, but me being more like God. It should result in action that benefits more than just me or my family.

This time, I read the book after spending this past year working with our church's new Afterschool Adventures program.  We hold this at the income-based apartment complex across the street from the church. I spent a year working with the "least of these" right in my own backyard.  I found myself wanting to shout AMEN to so many of the things she was saying.  While the parents have no problem sending their kids over to church with us for our Wednesday night dinner and Family Quest activities, we can't get those parents to cross the street for anything!  They just won't come to us, we must go to them.  While they live in our backyard, they really do live in a whole different world than we can even imagine.

I was especially drawn to and convicted her comments Matt. 25. Am I really ready to stand before Christ and hear what He has to say about what I did to the least of these?  According to His word, whatever I did to the least of these, I did to Him.  Ignore the poor=ignore Christ. Ignore the hurting=ignore Christ. Ignore the imprisoned=ignore Christ. Ouch! It reminded me that Sanctity of Human life is about so much more than abortion! It also opened my eyes to hard, yet often unseen work, of so many in our church body.  The school teachers, foster parents, adopted grandparents, who pour out their all for others, never asking for anything else in return.

And, men, don't worry.  While Jen is the main author, her husband, Brandon, does write in here as well. Every few chapters or so we get to see what was happening in his heart as Jen was going through this huge change in hers.

Jen's transparency and humor will make it really hard to put this book down. Especially if you are craving something more with Christ and the church, but you just aren't sure what it is!  I have the book and I am more than happy to start a waiting list for anyone here in Hannibal who wants to read it. Even though we aren't all called to start a new church, we are all called to love those whom God has placed us near, rich or poor, regardless of skin color.

Now, what to do with it? What does this mean for my life? My marriage? My family? I really don't know! I know that I will continue to be involved in Aferschool Adventures, but right now, I feel like that's all I know for sure. I want to BE the church. I want to love others as Christ loved them. I want to stop being selfish and love my husband, family, neighbors, and community with reckless abandon and in a way that screams Christ's name. I don't know what that means, yet, but I am so glad that my life has been interrupted and won't be the same.  I was so overwhelmed by this in church this morning as we were singing "Build Your Kingdom Here" by the Rend Collective Experiment. I couldn't hold it in or hold stay still. It was such the cry of my heart! Lord, build Your kingdom here, in my heart, in my house, in my church! Lord, lead. Lord, guide. Lord, teach and mold. I thank You for the changes in hearts and structure You are doing in our church. Help us to be willing to do whatever You ask, even if it means services look different, happen at different times or meet in different places. Move us to be a people in Christ and about Christ. Oh, Lord, revive us and pour Your Spirit out on us. I thank You that being the church looks different in each life so that the most people can be told about You. Show us how the McSmith house is to be the church, right where we are.

While a lot of this may be loving on the poor and the least of these in my community, it's about so much more than that. It's really about loving, period. Loving God and loving others, no matter who they are or where they are from. It means understanding that Sunday morning at 9:15 and 10:30 may not be the best times to gather if you want the lost to come and hear God's love for them with the gathered church. It means asking "them" to come to "us" just may not work and we'll have to do the hard and uncomfortable work of going to "them" and showing God's love to them over and over and over. It's not a one time thing. It's a relationship and relationships take work. That's why it's hard and uncomfortable. And that's why I know I will only be able to do it with God's help because it's certainly not something I would do on my own!

So, read the book. Ask God to show you what He would have you do. Then, go and do what He's asked!

Of course, I have to list some of my fave quotes (and it was really hard to choose...if you borrow the book from me you'll see lots of underlining!)

"Until we are compelled and contributing, we're settling for an anemic faith and a church that robs Christ followers of their vitality and repels the rest of the world...There is a call on our body that must be answered collectively."

"All of a sudden, I saw my exact reflection in Peter: devoted, but selfish, committed but misguided. And that is not going to be enough. It won't suffice to claim good intentions. Saying, 'I meant well' is not going to cut it. Not with God screaming, begging, pleading, urging us to love mercy and justice, feed the poor and the orphaned, to care for the last and the least in nearly every book of the Bible. It will not be enough to one day stand before Jesus and say, 'Oh? Were You serious about all that?'"

"This is what God taught me through Judas as Jesus' table, eating the broken bread that was His body: We don't get to opt out of living on mission because we might not be appreciated. We're not allowed to neglect the oppressed because we have reservations about their discernment. We cannot deny love because it might be despised or misunderstood. We can't withhold social relief because we're not convinced it will be perfectly managed. We can't project our advantaged perspective onto struggling people and expect results available only to the privileged. Must we be wise? Absolutely. But doing nothing is a blatant sin of omission. Turning a blind eye to the bottom on the grounds of 'unworthiness' is the antithesis to Jesus' entire mission. How dare we? Most of us know nothing, nothing of the struggles of the poor. We erroneously think ourselves superior, and it is a wonder God would use us at all to minister to His beloved."

I could go on and on, but, you should just read the book!!!

The Best $200 We've Ever Spent

Our pool pass.  Seriously.  Every year, as summer comes, I start the guilty feeling of wanting to get a pool pass for the summer.  While we do live comfortably and every need is met, $200 is still a lot of money to us. And, of course, my mind lists all the other things, far more important things, that could be done with that amount of money: support a mission trip, help stock the food pantry, feed a starving family for a month. The list could go on.  And the guilt just builds.

Then I start thinking of all the reasons that it's OK to spend $200 for our family to enjoy the pool each summer: we survived the school year, I spend 24/7 with my kids so surely I deserve some time where they can play on their own and I can read a book, PE hours.  I could go on with that list, too.

Then I have both of these seemingly unending lists and go back and forth and just don't know what I should do.  Then I buy the pool pass, despite all the guilt.  And while I enjoy each visit, I feel guilty about each one, too, seeing the faces of those I could have chosen to help if I had given up this one luxury.

This year, however, has been different.  Something I never expected.  As you know, I have been involved in our church's Afterschool Adventures ministry with the children in the apartment complex across the street from the church.  It's frustrating, rewarding, difficult, messy, fun, and pretty much beyond words.  I think we were all ready for a small break over the summer.  I never dreamed that I would actually get the chance to see, love on, and serve these kids over the summer.  At the city pool.  But, guess what, I have.

There are three families that I have seen several times at the pool, but one boy in particular that has been there almost every day that we have been there.  We'll call him Q.  He's actually the oldest child we work with and goes to youth when we come over for Family Quest.  Bless his heart, he tries so hard, but he just doesn't know how to behave, tell the truth, or deal with anger and frustration.  He's just never been taught.  But, he's been excited to see us at the pool each time.  He'll take small breaks from hanging out with his friends to come over and chat with me.  We don't talk about anything too deep, but just the fact that he'll come talk to me is enough to make that $200 pool pass worth it.

Please continue praying for this ministry, for these precious children.  They have suffered abuse and neglect that I have a hard time even imagining happens here in the US.  They are stuck in homes that are not good for them because the proof needed for them to be removed is nearly impossible to get.  Our hands are tied in that area, but we can cover them in prayer and pour as much of God's love on them as we possibly can in the short time we have them.  We have two families now that have moved and we don't know where they are.  They are two of our most loved families, and the two families most in need of God's divine intervention to save those kids from terrible things.  Please, pray with me that God will continue to bring people into those children's lives who will show them God's love, read them His Word, and be able to point them to Him in their difficult times!

If you are interested in helping with Afterschool Adventures or adopting a family for Family Quest, we would love to talk to you!  You can send me a message or contact Jennifer Humiston.

Lord, Give Me a ten Boom Kind of Faith and Love

I had a lot of time on a plane in the last few days, so I spent it reading.  I picked up the book The Hiding Place at a yard sale recently and decided that I'd read that on the plane.  I must confess that, a) I've only heard bits and pieces of Corrie ten Boom's story, but never read the book and didn't know much about her, b) I thought she was Jewish, and c) I thought she was in her twenties at the oldest.  Man, was I way off! I had no idea her crime wasn't being Jewish, but playing an integral part in the underground hiding Jews.  And wonder of all wonders, she was in her 50's!  Never think you're too old to change the world, or at least your world! I also thought this book was all about Corrie.  It really wasn't.  It was about her whole family, but really about how God used each of them, with their own strengths and gifts, at one of the worst times in history.  It's  a story about how God used a concentration camp to reveal Himself and His love to hundreds (maybe even thousands) of women dying in the concentration camps.  Mind.Blown.  And the way they risked their own lives, loved those around them at the risk of death, and the concern and care Betsie had for the Germans who were causing the pain is almost beyond comprehension.  How one person could treat another person that way is unimaginable.  The things they prayed, the people they prayed for, and the wisdom and insight God gave them in the midst of such horrible circumstances was so encouraging to me.  I just had to share the quotes that went straight to my heart.  I hope it encourages you, too.  (And Kevin, if we ever have another girl, her name is going to have to be Cornelia Elizabeth and we will pray she will be as wise, loving, faithful, and God-seeing as these two ladies.)

• Their mother had tuberculosis and suffered a great deal of pain for most of her life.  This never slowed her down.  Even when she eventually became confined to a bed and couldn't speak (which were all of the last years of her life.)  Corrie said of her mother, "It was astonishing really the quality of life she was able to lead in that crippled body, and watching her during the three years of her paralysis, I made another discovery about love.  Mama's love had always been the kind that acted itself out with soup pot and sewing basket. But now that these things were taken away, the love seemed as whole as before.  She loved the people she saw in the street--and beyond: her love took in the city, the land of Holland, the world.  And so I learned that love is larger than the walls that shut it in."
• "Love. How did one show it?  How could God Himself show truth and love at the same time in a world like this? By dying. The answer stood out for me sharper and chiller than it ever had before that night: the shape of a Cross etched on the history of the world.
• After losing one of the young boys working for the underground: "Once again we considered stopping the work. Once again we discovered we could not.  That night Father, Betsie and I prayed long after the others had gone to bed.  We knew that in the spite of the daily mounting risks we had no choice but to move forward.  This was evil's hour: we could not run away from it. Perhaps only when human effort had done its best and failed, would God's power alone be free to work."
• Corrie's sister, Betsie, almost took joy in being in the concentration camps, not really even for their ministry for those in the camps, but for the opportunity to love and pray for those running the camps.  "'These young women.  That girl in the back at the bunkers. Corrie, if people can be taught to hate, they can be taught to love! We must find the way, you and I, no matter how long it takes...' I realized then she was talking about the guards. I wondered, not for the first time, what sort of person was this sister of mine...what kind of road she followed while I trudged beside her on the all-too-solid earth."
• "But as the rest of the world grew stranger, one thing became increasingly clear. And that was the reason the two of us were here.  Why others should suffer we were not shown.  As for us, from morning until lights-out, whenever we were not  in ranks for roll call, our Bible was the center of an ever-widening circle of help and hope..The blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the Word of God."
• After learning that prisoners were never released from a concentration camp if they were sick, Corrie started wondering what horrible thing would have happened to Betsie (who was ill and died in the camp) if she had been considered for release.  "There are no 'ifs' in God's kingdom. I could hear her soft voice saying it. His timing is perfect. His will is our hiding place. Lord Jesus, keep me in Your will! Don't let me go mad by poking about outside it."
• After meeting one of the S.S. officers who had mistreated her at the concentration camp and asking God to help her forgive him (which He did): "And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His.  When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself. It took a lot of love.

If you haven't read this book, I encourage you to do so!  Oh, Father, give me the strength and faith to love this world in Your name, whatever the cost.  Help me to train up my children to do the same. Protect this world from the crushing hand of Satan.  When trials and hardships come, give us the strength to look to You for our comfort, peace, healing, and protection.

Praying For This Beautiful Mess

As we look ahead to the next year of Afterschool Adventures, would you join us in praying for the following things?  We thank you in advance!!

• Wisdom and Guidance: Please pray that God would show us just what we need to do with them every week.  In working with Family Quest, we try to do a service project and fun event each set of 5 weeks, plus we do a Bible story with them each week.  Join us in seeking God for what things He would have us do with them as we seek to have them serve and have fun each month.  Pray that He would give us the words we need to help explain to them the stories we read as we lead a devotion time with them each week.
• Behavior/Discipline Issues: As you can imagine, having that many kids in one place, there are definitely some behavior issues.  And, as you can imagine, when dealing with other people's children, knowing just how to discipline can be a challenge.  Please join us in praying that God would show us how to deal with each child as situations arise.  Pray that we will be able to show them that discipline, when done correctly, is for their good.  Pray that God would show us how to effectively teach them how to deal with frustration and conflict in a godly and wise manner.
• "Adoptive Families": Please join us in praying for God to send along some couples who would be willing to adopt these kids and take them to Family Quest.  This provides many benefits to the Afterschool kids (seeing a husband and wife working together properly, in-depth Bible study, learning scripture, etc), as well as those in our church (creates a mentoring/discipleship relationship, gets them involved in Kingdom work, positive impact in the lives of children who have very little positive impact, etc.)  Right now I am not sure how many couples we would need, but we'd be more than happy to pair up any and all we can!
• Afterschool Workers: We start each Wednesday around 3:30 p.m. over at the apartment complex.  While there we work on their homework, play games, do service projects, have snack, read Bible stories, etc.  We really could use more help there, from about 3:30-5:00.  If you have kids, bring them along!  It's been a great experience for my kids having to meet new people, learn to get along with people who don't live or act like they do.  It's also been a great way to teach them about serving others.  They are not only seeing me do it, but they are walking right along with me in it.  You're a college student?  Great!  We need your energy!!!!!  Please join us in asking God to send more workers.
• Home lives: Please pray that God would protect these children in whatever their home situation may be.  Some of them come from nice, loving homes, but several come from homes with parents who are rarely there, take little care of them, and move constantly in an effort to avoid DFS.  Most of us cannot even imagine the lives many of these kids are living.  I am thankful that several in our church have completed the classes to become foster parents and the reality hit me the other day that it is totally possible one or more of our kids could end up in their home.  The day may come when our Afterschool kids are living with some amazing church members, so I also want to ask you to lift up those who are foster parents/future foster parents.  Pray that they will have wisdom, discernement, and strength to love these kids as their own and fill them with as much God as they can while they are in their home.
• Bridging the gap with the parents: We have had a hard time getting the parents involved in much more than bringing or picking up their kids. Jennifer does have contact info for most of them and does a great job of keeping up with them, but we still have yet to really make a connection with them.  Ask God to show us who to reach them, love them, and serve them.  Ask Him to show us how to connect with them.  
• Encouragement: Pray that God would continue to encourage and strengthen all who are working with these kids.  It's hard.  Like, really hard.  And very messy.  Very, very, very messy!  It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.  Pray that He would remind us each week to spend time in prayer specifically for the kids we will be working with that day.  Pray that He would keep showing us the little changes and improvements that happen, even when we don't want to see them.  Pray that, if the time ever comes for any of us to step out, He would show that and we would be obedient. Pray that when we want to quit, but God has not told us we can, that He will give us the energy and passion we need to continue.
• The connection of Afterschool Adventures and Family Quest: Let's be real, at times, this is a challenge.  We are very protective of both ministries and our families.  At times, it seems like these two ministries are at odds and can never work together.  I think, however, that it's beautiful to see how God has grown and changed Family Quest over the years, and I think this is just another way He is growing it.  FQ has beautifully fulfilled it's mission to train and equip parents to disciple their children. And now we're adding the element of allowing the rest of the church to come alongside and use FQ as a way to mentor, disciple, and love on some kids who need it badly!  Please pray that, as both ministries grow and change, that they will continue to work together. Pray that all families, those that are biological and those put together through Afterschool Adventures, will continue to grow, learn more about each other, and come to love each other through this process.  Pray that there will be no conflicts and no judgments made from either side.  Pray that all involved in Family Quest have prayed to ask God what they need to do for their family and that they will then have the courage to follow in obedience with whatever He has asked their family to do.  Lord, move in mighty ways during Family Quest!  Most of the children attending FQ, both our church kids and the Afterschool kids, are lost and need to know their deep need for You as their lord, master, and savior.  Help them all to see that! Give the parents the words to be able to explain the hard things, to answer the hard questions, and to be real so their children can see You in their lives.
• Jennifer: Let's be honest, Jennifer does a large majority of the work each week and she is the one that stays in contact with the apartment manager and the parents.  She plans all activities and snacks and she's the one who does most of the discipline and comforting.  Pray that God would give her wisdom as she leads.  Pray that God will continue to give her energy and strength as she pours her life out with these kids each week.  Pray that God will show the rest of us how to support and love her as she leads.

Thank you so much for joining with us in prayer!  We have no idea which kids will be back next year and how many new kids we may have.  But, we have seen God's hand all over this ministry this year and feel confident He will continue to guide and direct as we move into year number two!!!

I Need A Little Help From My Friends

So, this summer is going to be the summer we try some new things, try and figure new ways to do some things that aren't working right now, and having as much fun as possible.

First up, Ethan has suddenly lost all ability to remember anything and complete any task.  It is seriously driving me crazy!  I can send him to go get his shoes on and half an hour later he is still not wearing any shoes and has completely forgotten I ever asked him to do anything.  I don't think he's being ornery or trying to be disobedient, I think he genuinely get distracted and forgets things.  However, this just cannot continue.  I seriously feel my blood pressure rise every.time.it.happens!  So, I've decided to try a few things this summer and see how it goes. First, I am going to (or at least attempt to) give him only on task at a time to complete.  Then, I'll have him repeat back to me the task he needs to complete.  Lastly, I will stay with him as he completes the task to make sure he gets it done and does it correctly.  I have to admit, I am not looking forward to this because I know it will be time consuming and difficult to do.  But, I am reminding myself this is just for a season.  It won't last forever.  However, if any of you have any other ideas that I can use, please, let me know!  I am willing to try pretty much anything.

Next on the list, the kids' constant nagging and arguing with each other.  Most of them started after we finished with regular school hours, so it may just be that they have too much free time on their hands.  I am not sure.  But, I think I've decided that this summer is the time to go ahead and take them through The Young Peacemaker. I know that Ethan may be a bit young for it, but I think that I can adapt it for him.  I am praying that going through these lessons will help them to think through things and think of others before responding to things.  Again, any other thoughts would be more than welcome!!!

I am also hoping to do the final chapter of The Care and Keeping of You for Younger Girls. OK, it's actually chapters in the middle of the book, but it's the ones on the period and body changes, so I decided to save it for last.  She was ready for the other things in the book, but I didn't think she was quite ready for it at the time.  I still feel like we have a while before she actually hits puberty and gets her period, but I am seeing that the drama is slowly increasing as the hormones are slowly increasing and I want to be sure to cover all this before it hits so she isn't freaked out.  Prayers appreciated.  I am also hoping to finish up our 8 Great Dates in the next month or so, as well.

I hope to be able to spend the summer mornings doing some review school work with each of the kids.  For Ethan, I want to continue doing math and reading.  He has come a long way with both and I really don't want him to lose that.  With Sophie, I would like to continue doing grammar, math, and writing.  Do any of you out there do this?  If so, what kind of schedule do you use?  A little from each subject each day?  One subject a day?  Just a little here and there with no real schedule?  Haven't quite figured out how I want to do it and would love suggestions.

I am also looking forward to LOTS of afternoons spent at the pool.  It's our favorite place in Hannibal in the summer.  It's like our little reward for surviving another school year!  It's the one thing we look forward to every year.  And this year I am totally excited because both kids can really play without me having to follow them around!  Hello reading!!!!  Fiction, non-fiction, lesson planning!  I can't wait!  Who wants to join me?  As long as we're in town and it's not raining, we'll most likely be there!!!!!!!

Sorry for so much rambling, but I look forward to hearing some other suggestions from you so I have some things ready to try!

Lessons Learned From This Year of Afterschool Adventures

Well, we have closed the chapter on the first year of Afterschool Adventures.  I never dreamed that I would be so involved in something in which I hadn't really ever intended to participate.  It was all God getting me there, keeping me there, and leading and guiding our awesome leader.  It's had it's ups and downs.  And a HUGE learning curve.  I'm not sure any of us knew what we were doing when we started...not sure we really know what we're doing even now.  We have had no success getting the kids or their parents to church on a Sunday morning, but the kids' attendance and participation for Family Quest has only grown.  As we look ahead to our story time with them this summer and pray with nervous and excited anticipation for next year, I couldn't help but reflect on some things God used this ministry and these kids to teach me.

• Ministry is hard.  Now, I grew up as a preacher's kid, so I already knew this, but it was just reinforced this year.  It seemed that anytime we thought we had things figured out, it was all then thrown upside down and it felt like we were starting over.  Anytime humans are involved things are messy and complicated.  This was messy on steroids!  I'm still not sure I have all the relationships and families figured out.  Their lives are a far cry from the way I, or anyone else I know, grew up.  I really have no idea how to love on and truly reach these kids.  Each week I rest on the promise that God's Word will not return void.  I pray that He'll use those memorized verses, songs, and stories to grab their hearts, even in the darkest of moments.
• There is no worry that my little homeschooled kiddos are sheltered.  Especially after this year.  Thanks to the Afterschool kiddos my kids have heard some colorful language, lots of name calling, seen lots of anger on display, every possible bad choice in dealing with said anger, and they now know what DFS is and why there is a need for foster parents.  They didn't need to be in public school for any of these things, just ministry.  (But I am thankful they are there with me each week, seeing that others live a very different life than they do, learning to love and care for others, regardless of who they are or where they're from.)
• Prayer is needed work.  We couldn't do this ministry without prayer.  I know that Jennifer would tell you that our worst days came on the days we spent the least time in prayer.  In fact, prayer and preparation became so important that it's now an unwritten rule in our house that on Wednesdays school is done at lunch, regardless of what we've gotten done that day, so the kids can get in a good rest/down time and I can get a good time of prayer in specifically for that day's meeting and the students.  I'll admit, the control freak in me doesn't always want to stop if we haven't finished what was on my to do list for school that day, but I've seen how differently Afterschool goes when I prepare my heart and my kids' hearts, minds, and bodies this way.
• Messiness is beautiful.  I can't really explain it.  Most weeks we're all just a hot, glorious mess.  But it's also somehow one of the most beautiful things I've seen as God has S-L-O-W-L-Y melted some ice cold hearts as these kids begin to trust us and we begin to love them.  Admittedly, sometimes it's hard because there's little to no discipline we can give these kids to help them to truly have a change of heart along with their change of behavior, but every frustration, tear, and even moment of panic has been worth it.  We may never see the result of the work we are doing.  But, if God grabs hold of even one of their hearts, draws them to Him, and changes their lives, then He's also changed generations of families as they move from barely acknowledging Him to serving Him and training their children to do the same.  Generations.  
• People who only see a flight or fight response will only have a flight or fight response, even if they're in 2nd grade.
• I need to spend more time in prayer for our Christian public school teachers.  For 9 months out of the year, these kids spend the majority of their time with them.  It's hard to be with them for 2 hours, I can't imagine what it's like for 7, with 25 others thrown in the mix.  These amazing people are called to be salt and light, love on, care for, and encourage these kids who are so hardened by life.  I don't know how they do it!
• Sometimes, love is given because someone deserves it.  Sometimes love just makes no sense.  I've seen these kids, whose parents pay little to no attention to them, blow most of their money on drugs, discipline them in cruel ways, and can't even pay rent, love their parents fiercely anyway. They fear the day DFS knocks on the door and they will possibly be taken from their parents.  I'll be honest, I don't get it.  There's nothing about that that makes sense.  I know many of our foster families in town and they are so loving and caring and would do anything for these kids, but it's their parents they love.  It makes no sense.  But you know what, God's love for me makes even less sense.  How this holy God could love me when I lie to Him, ignore Him, constantly choose other things over Him, could send His Son to die in my place just to restore right relationship with me...mind.blown.  It makes no sense.  But, I am glad that He did it.  And I am glad for this weekly reminder of His love for me.
• Don't hate me for this, but my goal is no longer to merely get people to come to church on Sunday morning.  If that's my goal, then this ministry is a failure. We've tried to get them there.  We've failed in that every time.  You know what they need?  To know the truth of my Savior and their need for His salvation and to be loved here in a way that shows Jesus is real in my life and is real in theirs.  They need to know their need for forgiveness and redemption.  And this takes time.  Lots of time.  Lots and lots of time.  Like, I've come to accept that I may never see any of these kids or their parents in church on a Sunday morning, but they'll remember that God came to earth as a man and died on the cross for them.  One day when they're older and at the end of their rope, I pray they'll remember the scriptures they memorized and the Bible stories they heard and will turn to Christ.  All I can do is love them like Jesus and leave them in His hands. (Which is the same thing I have to do with my own children.  I don't know why I ever thought this would be any different!)
• Maybe a Saturday evening service isn't such a bad idea after all! ;)  People who didn't grow up in church don't get up on Sunday mornings.  It's a day of relaxing and sleeping in.  For many, Sunday may be the only day they don't work.  Especially if they work 2 or 3 jobs.  Getting them up and going on a Sunday morning has proven to be virtually impossible.  (Of course, part of this may be that we haven't truly let them see the joy of being in a church family, being loved on as a church family...they only ever see the bad side of churches, and who in the world would want to be part of that?!?!)  
• I desperately want my church family to fall as much in love with these kids and this ministry as I have. Yet, I also know that not everyone will.  I think most think it's a great and needed ministry.  Several have donated money or snacks for us to use each week.  But, my deep and honest prayer is that God will lead several couples to walk alongside us in this journey and adopt some of these sweet families. I pray that they will step up to take these kids with them to Family Quest each week where the kids will study God's word, see how the Word affects our everyday lives, and see how a loving, caring family can truly function.  They need this.  They need this desperately.  So, if you are a member of Calvary Baptist Church, keep an eye out in the coming months for some ways you can be involved in this ministry.  Pray and ask God how He would have you be His hands and feet with these families living so close to our church building.  

Lord, move in a way that I've never seen before as you grow and change this ministry. Give me Your eyes to see others and Your heart to love them.  Help me to live this in front of and with my children, that they might see You in all I say and do.  Use this time that my kids spend with these Afterschool kids to draw them to You.  Help all of these kids to see their need for Your salvation.

Open Doors, Changing Hearts, and the Mess That Ensues

DISCLAIMER: This post, as with pretty much all my posts, are just my thoughts about what is going on in my heart and life.  I share my thoughts and opinions, which may be wrong and/or changed at any time.  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions and acknowledge your right to also change those at any time.

It's amazing how God really changes your heart over time.  Things that once were super important now seem almost silly.  Things that once drove you crazy are now almost a comfort.  Things you once thought you would never do, you find you are doing all the time.  Only God!

God is really using Afterschool Adventures to change this old heart of mine.  He has opened my eyes to the pain and hurt that is right here in my own community.  He has opened my heart to the needs of some of the most vulnerable and their just across the street from my church.  He has shown me the uselessness of mere events if there's no love and time and effort put in with those you invite.  I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure that relationship (pouring your time, effort, love, talent, money, etc on a consistent basis over a period of time) trumps one-time events about 95% of the time.  This may not be new information to most of you, but it's revolutionary and painful for me.  You see, events are so much easier and more natural for me.  Relationships, not so much!  (If you've ever read my previous posts, you'll understand this!)  Afterschool has really driven this home.  Yes, we offer them an event, but the purpose of the event isn't merely to get them into the church doors or to add numbers.  The reason we meet with them every week is so we can love on them and earn the right to tell them who God is and what He has done for them by sending Jesus to die in their place.  It's definitely not a one-time event.  And it's far messier than I ever thought it would be.  Just trying to figure out their families trees is enough to make me want to sit and cry.  Talk about messy! Some weeks they are short on obedience and full of personality.  Some weeks (like this past week), the give us wonderful surprises when about half the group was able to share the Family Quest for their first time ever!  God is so good!  We've had some of our kids move away and we have no idea where they are now.  Some of our kids have moved away, Jennifer was able to track them down, and we are able to swing by and pick them up and make sure they are there to learn about God each week.  Some weeks the kids are running from us, sometimes they are clinging to us and we can barely move.  Every week we deal with kids whose only reactions to frustration are fight or flight.  And we've seen a few of those learn that there are other options...and they've tried to avoid the fight or flight.  I don't know that there have been any major changes, but we are slowly starting to see small changes, here and there.  It really is like they are our own children and we are praying for their salvation, attitudes, home life, grades, etc.   Believe me, I never thought I would feel more comfortable sharing Christ by building relationships and walking this messy life with others, loving them like they are my own family, and pouring out anything and everything I can for others in His name.  And it's not that I don;t like events, I just view them differently and try to plan them much more carefully than before.

I am so thankful to be at a church with so many fine examples of people who truly live this out.  They don't settle for merely throwing and event, tossing out the Gospel, and just hoping someone comes forward at the end.  They live out this messy faith, messy life, and plunge in to give their all to share the amazing love of their Creator with others who have no hope in this fallen world. They do this in their neighborhoods, workplaces, schools, and in their families. I am so thankful to be at a church that strives to do more than just host events.  This has not been an easy road, I am sure, but one I am glad we are taking.

Lord, continue to change my heart to be more like Yours.  Help me to truly be Your hands and feet to all I meet each day.  Help me to be the example my kids need to see when it comes to living out my faith, trusting in You, sharing You with others, and giving all I can of myself and the resources You've given me to share You with others.  Lord, lead, guide, and give me wisdom to say "yes" when I need to or "no" when I need to.  Draw my children to you!

A Little of This and a Little of That

Lots of randomness on the brain lately, so just dumping it all here at once:

--We are almost done with our regular school work.  Yahooo!  This is good because my brain was ready to be done with school about 3 weeks ago.  We're going to continue doing small things, at least in the mornings, throughout the summer.  Hopefully this will keep them from forgetting all they've learned this year.  It will also keep us moving and help pass these upcoming summer mornings.  I am so looking forward to lazy days, family walks, afternoons at the pool, and reading outside on blankets.

--Lent is over.  I survived drinking only water for Lent.  Some days, it was easy, some days, super hard.  But, everyday, it reminded me how blessed I am to be able to run to the faucet for a glass of clean water to drink, to be able to brush my teeth with clean water, to bathe in clean water, to be able to choose whether I want my water to be hot or cold.  So many in this world don't have any of those choices.  I feel blessed to be able to donate my small amount of money to help those with little to no access to clean water be able to get it.  I won't lie, it was a looooooong 40 days.  Life here in the McSmith house had lots of ups and downs in that time and I learned just how much I rely on food and soda to "make me feel better" when things aren't going my way.  It was no coincidence that God led me to this challenging Lent sacrifice when He was also going to be refining my faith and putting our family through some difficult times.  I didn't have soda to run to (which is what I always do when I'm tired, stressed, or frustrated....drink lots of soda!) God is so good!  He met me right where I needed Him, provided all the comfort I needed.  I can rest in Him.  I don't need soda or food for true rest and comfort.  I need Christ alone.

--I really enjoyed church this morning.  Celebrating Christ's resurrection is just exciting. It's even more exciting to celebrate with your children right next to you.  The Lord reminded me today that I need to come before Him like a child, full of excitement, and with genuine love and honesty.  It was so sweet today, as the first chords of My Redeemer Lives Ethan just began grinning really big and jumping.  I'll admit, it's a fun and exciting song.  His enthusiasm was so contagious.  It was all I could do not to just jump up and down with the joy of Christ's resurrection.  He's alive!  He's conquered sin, death, shame, illness.  He makes all things new.  How can we stand still?  We should be like the little child, joyfully running to you with their exciting news.  I was also reminded that this should be our attitude every week.  We celebrate His life, death, and resurrection every Sunday, even if that's not explicitly the sermon topic, and I should come excited and ready to shout forth my praise to Him each week, as if it were Easter Sunday every week. This is my challenge every week from now on.

--If you read my post from earlier this week, you know I had a dilemma about what to wear for Easter Sunday morning.  I tried to go middle of the road with a jean skirt, leggings,and a simple shirt and sweater.  Sadly, none of our Afterschool families came to church today, but we had lots of visitors.  And I am so proud that my church all were very loving and welcoming of all who came in the door. But, as I was pondering this week what I would wear, God really got to my heart with the thought that I should be wanting all visitors to feel welcome every week, not just on Easter Sunday.  Why was I so worried about this one Sunday, but not any other Sunday?  So, I've decided to stop fretting about what to wear each week.  Nothing I have is anything over the top, but I will probably stick to simple skirts, nicer jeans, and simple shirts.  (And hey, compared to the sweat pants I literally wear around the house everyday, this is dressing up!)  I remember being little and being expected to get all dressed up on Sunday mornings and thinking, "He sees me every other day of the week in my jeans and shorts, why does He need to see me in something nice on Sunday?"  Not sure if I still feel that way or not, but I certainly do feel that, at times, I have dressed nicer to put on a mask or to look or feel better than I really was.  It was a show.  Now, I am not saying that everyone who dresses nicely on Sundays is putting on a show, but for me, many times, that's really all it has been.  Not anymore.  I want my clothing to reflect my heart as much as possible. (Though I promise not to wear the sweatpants...though I have been tempted to do so on more than one occasion.) Yes, we are to present our best to God, but using clothes as a mask is not our best!  This may seem silly to some of you, but it's a big thing to my heart.  I am praying that God will use this area in my heart to continue to draw me to Him.

--I am saddened that none of our Afterschool families joined us for church this morning, but I am not dissuaded. God is up to something in the lives of those children and I know that can't help but overflow into the lives of the parents, grandparents, or whatever adults are in their lives.  God is teaching me that this is a slow, painful, messy, joy-filled, frustrating process.  I must rely on and trust in Him alone.  He has placed great leadership over us in this ministry and He's going to do some amazing things in these little lives, even if we never see what that is.

Celebrating the Cross and the Empty Tomb

I am so thankful for this evening that I spent with two sweet families teaching our children about Christ, His life on earth, and his death and resurrection.  If you didn't read the post I wrote about all we were doing this evening, you can check it out HERE.  Just wanted to share the pics of the fun and fellowship we had.  I know that the kids didn't grasp everything we talked about, but the seeds were planted and I feel confident God will bless our efforts. Hope you enjoy a glimpse of the fun we had this evening!!!

All of us learning about one of Jesus' miracles, the feeding of the 5,000.

We made a collage of all the things that God gives us.  We talked about how we can share those with others and all brought food we could donate to our church's food pantry.

Then we learned about Jesus washing the disciples feet.  He told us that he set the example that we are to follow, being a servant to all people.  This was the craft to help us remember that.  We also donated supplies to Sole Hope for their jigger removal clinics.

Then we learned what Christ did for us when he went to the cross and was raised from the dead.  We each made a painting to remind us what He's done for us.  This is the one that Sophie and Ethan did.

This was really fun!  I am hoping we are able to do this, or something like it, next year.  And I look forward to how God will mold and shape it as it gets deeper as the children get older!