The Year is 2021...

 Can you believe it's already 2021? 2020 felt really long and really short, all at the same time. 

As I am sure most of you are, I am really hoping that this year turns out to be a little better, and a little more normal, than last year. However, as I was looking at my calendar, I realized this year is probably going to be one full of big emotions for me. 

You see, Feb. 14 will mark 20 years since my first date with Kevin and the day we started officially dating. 20 years!!! How is that even possible? Aren't I still just a wide-eyed, silly college freshman?!?!? Man, those years sure went by quickly!

March 10 will mark 5 years since Kevin's death. Five years since I last saw his face. Held his hand. Told him goodnight. Kissed him good morning. Had a argument with him (well, at least with him here to argue back.) Five years since I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and he wasn't there beside me. Five years since I walked down the stairs, found him slumped over his desk, and had to call for help. How has it been five years already? At the same time, hasn't it been closer to ten years? Some days it feels like it. 

So, this year might actually end up being even more emotional for than last year. I never thought that would be possible! It means that this year it's going to be really hard for me to not let my emotions rule in every thought, action, and decision. 

I also really don't want this year to be about the sadness of those two events. This will probably be hard because they happen so early on in the year. So, I am doing my best to decide now that those days will be good days. Happy days. Days of celebration for the good gifts the Lord gave me because He gave me Kevin. There will be plenty of other days in the year for weeping over what I miss, but I want to be purposeful in making those joyous, celebratory days. 

Lord, be with me in this year of "big anniversaries." I know there will be emotions. I know there will be the temptation to be angry and bitter and throw a tantrum about how unfair life in this broken world is. But, Father, I really don't want to do that. Give me eyes to see the joy and goodness and hope that You've poured over my life, especially on those two very hard days.