A Little Bit of Follow-Up and a Whole Lot of Randomness

I have to admit, I didn't take the 40 Days of Solidarity with the Poor to the full 40 days.  I did take it all the way through the month of October and, while I wasn't as strict with it as the author was, it did open my eyes about some things:
-I am so used to having food whenever I want in pretty much any amount I want, so it didn't take long for me to be hungry.  And no matter how hungry I was, I couldn't help but realize it was nothing compared the hunger people around the world feel.  My last meal was, at the most, 4 or so hours before, but their last meal could have been days ago.  I can't even imagine that kind of hunger.
-It helped me to see why people might do unsavory things to get food when they are that hungry, particularly if their children were that hungry.  I would never want my child to feel that way and I don't know what I would do if we were in that situation.  My heart was broken at the thought of families without enough food.  Again, I just can't even imagine.
-Though I didn't have as much money left over in my grocery budget as I was hoping, I did have enough left over to buy quite a few groceries to donate to our church's food pantry.  Shortly before I went to the store, I saw a blog someone shared on Facebook about food pantries.  It was a blog encouraging people to really think about what they donate.  Don't just go through your pantry and toss out whatever your family decided they didn't like.  Be intentional.  Shop for the food pantry as if you were shopping for your own family.  You can really show love and care by the food choices that you give others when you donate.  This really touched me and I tried very hard to do just that.  I tried to imagine trying to get a nice fall meal together, or maybe even a Thanksgiving dinner.  I tried to get as many healthy options as I could and I truly tried to shop as if I were shopping for my own family.  My children even helped pick out items they would enjoy so we could send some things kids would enjoy, as well.  I feel so blessed that I was able to have the extra money to do something like this, and all I had to do was eat a little less and stick to what was already in my pantry.  I have been blessed far beyond measure and I feel even more blessed to be able to share.  Lord, thank You for opening my eyes to the humiliation and pain and despair lack of food causes.  Thank You for the humbleness it brought me to feel hungry.  Thank You for allowing me to help others by this gift of food.  Show me how to be more consistent and intentional with this ministry of our church.  Please bless those who receive this food and use it to draw their families to You.

I love good television and movies.  I love actors who are amazing at non-verbal communication.  I love watching theatre/movies/TV that have me laughing one minutes and crying the next.  I love the power that acting holds.  I love that even 5 minutes of great acting can change your mood, change the course of your whole day, and spur you on to bigger and better things.  I love that a good book can do the same thing.  I love that a piece of music has such great influence in a heart.  I love that a beautiful painting or piece of art can move the heart of the old and young.  The arts are amazing!  I love that my sweet Sophie loves to draw, create, talk in silly accents, dance to any kind of music, gets into radio dramas, and loves movies.  I love that I can take a stage, completely change who I am, and I hold the hearts and minds of all in the audience in the palm of my hand.  What a great responsibility!  No wonder God used parables and eccentric prophets to tell His message to His people.  (I cannot wait to see Steel Magnolias next week at HLGU!  Sabrina, thanks for always doing such high-quality productions.  I love watching them, I love helping with them, I love hearing others talk about how great they were!  You are doing great things and, yes, I am a bit jealous you get to be right at the heart!)

Lord, move in amazing ways in my heart and in my family.  Give us all a hunger and thirst for You and Your word that cannot be quenched.  Help me to see each teachable moment, seize them, and point my children always to You.  Help me to be more consistent with my time in the Word.  Lord, help me to be a woman of prayer at all times.  Show me how to truly pray without ceasing.  Lord, make me more like You each day in all I do so that others see only You when they look at me.

Fasting Fail

I must admit, today was a fasting fail.  I have tried to justify it to myself that I was on the road, not at home, with others who aren't fasting, and because I knew tomorrow was going to be a long, emotional day....but really...if I am going to be honest...it's just because I chose not to use self-control, because I decided to put my wants ahead of anything else, and I chose not to fast today.  I chose to ignore the nagging thought of children half-way around the world barely getting enough in their one meal today as I continually lifted food (that I didn't need and when I wasn't even hungry) to my mouth.  I chose to ignore the impulse to put down the chips, though I was eating them for the second time today, and pray for those around the world who would go to bed hungry this evening so they could give what meager food they had to their children in hopes they would live just one more day.  As I guzzled tea, hot chocolate, and soda, I pushed away the thoughts of those who would have to walk a day's journey (and usually it's children who do this task, meaning that they are missing out on an education in order to do this for their families) just to get enough clean water for their family for the day...not to mention all those who have no option for clean water and get more and more sick from drinking the dirty water that is their only option.  I am frustrated and angry with myself.  I am sick at my selfishness.  I am even more frustrated as I sit here and still contemplate excuses that will make me feel better about myself, even in this dismal failure of a day.  How will my children learn selflessness when all they see in me is selfishness and pride?  How will they learn self-control and self-discipline when all they see from me is laziness?  How will they learn to serve others and be giving if all they see from me is self-serving and no giving unless I am getting something in return?  Lord, help me!  Mold me!  Shape me!  Renew me!  Fill me with Your Spirit that those around me, especially my children see You and only You.  Lord, move my heart!  Fill it with You and remove the selfishness, pride, and laziness.  Remove any need for glory or fame that is not directed at You alone.  Let my children see You in all I do and say.  Lord, give me Your strength to complete this fast so that I may know You more, rely on you more, trust You more, and give more that Your name may be known throughout the world!

Lessons Learned While Eating Less

Well, I've been fasting from lunch and snacks for a little over a week now, along with drinking only water (though each Sunday is a feast day where all fasting is suspended), and here are a few things I've learned/realized:

--I snack way more than I ever realized.
--Without all the extra sugar from all the snacks I am not eating, I am way more tired! 
--I really haven't missed lunch as much as I thought I would...until about 3:00 p.m. when I am "starving" and dinner is still at least 2 hours away.
--Leftovers aren't as bad as my mind makes me think they are.
--It's really not as hard as I thought it would be to drink only water...but it sure does increase the amount of trips to the bathroom in a day.  I also really take the easy access I have to clean water for granted.  I do not see it as the gift that it truly is...like ever.
--The hardest time of day not to snack is 9 p.m.
--As I have been looking around trying to decide where to give money to help feed others and provide clean water I realize just how many people are working to do both of these things.  There is plenty to go around, it's just that those of us with excess need to wake up and start sharing!
--I am grumpy when I am hungry.  I am grumpy when I am tired.  There have been some very unpleasant days for all of us!
--I am so much more blessed than I deserve.  I have no idea why God placed me here, with plenty of food, clean water, air conditioning, heat, clothes, etc, and not somewhere else to be stuck in poverty and a slave to someone just so I can feed my children.  I need to drop to my knees in praise and gratitude each day just for this alone, not to mention all the other reasons He deserves my praise and gratitude.  Lord, change me forever through this fast.  Move my heart to do big things for those in need because they are Your creation, You love them, and You have commanded that I love and care for them.  Don't let my motivation be good feelings or pats on the back from others, let my motivation be love for you and the things You love.  Let my children see this in me and let it transform their minds and hearts.  Somehow help this to cause them to see their need for you to be their Lord, Master, and Savior. Use our family to share Your love to those in need and those who are hurting, both here and around the world.

The First Few Days

Well, the 40 Days has started!  OK, it will actually be 46 because there will be Feast Days on Sundays included. (I am already looking forward to those days!)

Day 1:
Well, I learned today that without food I am very grumpy!  I am still eating breakfast and dinner, but fasting through lunch and attempting to fast from snacking.  Now, by no means was I starving, or really even the hungriest I have ever been, but I was a GRUMP!!!!  I never realized how much snacking I do in a day.  It really made me think of the thousands of people all over the world that can barely afford to eat one meal a day, let alone buying snacks to just munch on because I am bored or tired or anything but hungry. (And as God would have it, the portion that Sophie and I were reading today in our The Care and Keeping of You book was talking about being healthy in what and how we eat, including only eating when we are actually hungry.) My poor children today!  Praying that tomorrow will go a little better. 

My prayer time during lunch today was so good.  It was so nice to stop in the middle of the day and pause to talk to my Creator. (I was doing that twice a day, but haven't been so great at keeping that up.  I should get back to it.  It changed my whole day.)  Based on the events of last night and today, I spent today's prayer time praying for our country and its leaders. That was kind of hard to do today, but I am just so tired of hearing all the blaming and finger pointing, but I know that scripture tells us that God sets up kings and deposes them.  He is sovereign over all, so regardless of what happens, I can trust Him!

Can't wait until tomorrow to start the devotionals that go with this journey. (In order for the fest day devotionals to land on Sunday, you have to start doing them on a Wednesday.)

Day 2:
We started the devotional today.  Each day also includes a story of a person in an impoverished country.  Over breakfast we prayed for Irene and her home country of Uganda.  That is also what I prayed for during lunch.  May God bring healing, peace, and His Truth to the many people in need in that country!

Again today I was surprised by how much I just wanted to eat something, even though I wasn't hungry at all.  I am not sure I ever realized before how much I eat just because I am bored, or tired, or sad.  I also never realized how much food I actually have in the house!  One of the things I am going to try and do this month is make better use of what is already in the house.  I am so bad at thinking that there's "nothing to eat", so I run off to the store and get something else, and what I do have just sits there, untouched, and goes to waste.  And there are so many who would give anything to have that food.  We may be having some interesting things this month, but I am really putting forth an effort to use what we have already in our possession. 

Day 3:
Today was a real struggle.  Not totally sure why, but lots of guilt today.  I felt like everything I ate was just a reminder of how little someone else has.  Several times I wanted to grab a snack, but then would think of all the people around that world that don't even have the smallest, simplest snack as an option.  When they are hungry, it could be 24 hours or more before there's more food to eat.  And even then, it won't be enough to satisfy their hunger.  Yet, here I am, eating until I am so full I could puke at practically every meal and munching on things all day, not because I am hungry, but because it just gives me something to do.  How selfish and silly of me.  Do you know how much money we could save and be using elsewhere if we just stopped purchasing snacks for Kevin and I? I could probably feed an entire orphanage somewhere for a month just on what I would save in a week!  Sickening! 

A real test of my will happens tomorrow.  We're having lunch together as a group at our homeschool classes tomorrow.  Can I handle seeing everyone else eating and I'm not? (Yeah, I didn't plan that real well, timing wise, did I!?) I am thankful there will be lots of time for discussion and fellowship to take my mind off of things! 

Of course, I am very excited for Sunday, our first feast day!  We'll be celebrating it with some college students from church as they join us for lunch!  We're all excited!!!!!

Today I prayed for Ruth in Haiti.  There are days when there just isn't enough food for their family, so one or more of them must go without.  Can you imagine?  Lord, thank You for the amazing abundance You have given us.  Show us how to love like You using all this "stuff" (money, food, things, etc.) to care for Your amazing creation.

Day 4:
Lunch today was not as difficult as I thought it would be!  Snack time however!  It's not that is was hard to make it through snack time, it just showed me, once again, how much I eat without even thinking about it.  As I was placing the snacks on each plate I can't even count how many times I almost grabbed a pretzel for just a bite.  I even almost had a glass of apple juice without even thinking about it.  I am also finding that I am trying to create the silliest rules to make the snacking that I want to do "OK."

Today I am prayed for clean water in India.  This is a huge issue there and around the world.  Continue to pray that clean water will become a reality to the many who don't have it now.

Lord, thank you for the abundance You have given our family.  Help each of us to think before just eating something and use that as a moment to pour out praise and thanks to You!

The Winds of Change

Well, my 35th birthday just a few weeks away.  How did this happen?  Where has the time gone? (I am sure my parents are thinking the same thing!)

Lots of new things coming up this month!  Not only am I turning another year older, I am taking on the challenge of spending the next 40 days focusing on the poor.  I have no idea what God will do with this time, but I am praying that He will change the hearts and lives of my little family.  This will be hard for me, not just because I love food, but also because I tend to become very legalistic about things.  It will be hard for me not to do this with this challenge.  I am praying that God uses this time to help me cherish meal times, the amazing variety He has given us in food, the clean water that I take for granted, and the opportunity to help others out of our abundance.  I pray that through this our children see what an amazing Creator we have and how much He has blessed us.

Another new thing that has recently started is that I have temporarily stepped out of band and choir.  This was a very difficult decision reached through months of prayer and tears with Kevin and close friends.  There are two main reasons for this: 1) I really felt the need to sit with my children during worship.  I have been feeling the need to do this for some time, but just wasn't quite ready to make the step.  2) Our Sunday mornings have been so hectic that by the time we get to church it is nearly impossible to worship.  This also made it harder for the kids to focus.  Now that the kids and I don't have to be at church as early we have plenty of time for breakfast and even to read the Bible together before we go.  A pleasant by-product of this is the opportunity to do more drama at church, which I have really been missing.  God is blessing this decision so far and I look forward to seeing how God will use this new season of life. (Of course, I do miss band and choir!)

Lord, take this new season of life and use it to transform my family.  Change my heart and the heart of my children.  Mold us to be more like You each day!

A Prayer for Change That Lasts

We just finished celebrating our dear friend's daughter's birthday party.  I was so blessed as they chose to use her birthday as an opportunity to give to those in need.  Each child there was able to make a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child.  Rather than presents, everyone brought gifts that could be put in shoeboxes.  It was hard not to cry because I was just so touched, mainly because her sweet daughter seemed so excited to use her birthday for others.

I so want my children to be that way.  I want my children to want to use what they have to encourage others, help them to be able to live, and to share the Gospel with them.  Some days, it just seems like that will never happen.  When we were talking about this birthday party and what we would be doing, E's response was, "What are we going to do for my birthday?  What presents do you think I will get."  He just missed it.  Sophie is much the same way.  They both seem so stuck in thinking more of themselves than they think of others.  Oh, how I want to pass it off on their ages or just that it's a phase and when they'll get older they'll "get it".  I just can't really believe that's true.  They can know better now.  They can choose better now.  They can love others better now.

So, where's the block?  What's holding them back from loving others more than themselves?  I know that a huge part of it is that they are lost and I can't expect them to act like they aren't.  But, I have seen plenty of children who aren't saved put others first time and time again.  I have seen them love the least of these more than many adults who claim to be Christians.  I can only come to the humiliating and humbling conclusion that a big part of the problem is that they aren't seeing me model this for them enough.  I must find a way to make it more real for me so that it can be more real for them.  Right now I just want to pack them up take them around the world to see how people really live, to see the physical need that is just missing here in the US.  I know this is not feasible right now. So, what do I do?  I am choosing to battle through prayer for the hearts and souls of my children.

Starting in Oct. (on a small scale) we'll be doing 40 Days of Solidarity with the Poor as we seek to better understand the way people live here in the US and around the world.  It will also help us to see the many blessings the Lord has lavished upon us.  I am praying that as we do this, God will show us other ways that we can pouring out more of ourselves in order to serve others and share Christ with them...including ways that I can do more of that for my children and husband. 

In Oct. I will be fasting from lunch and using that time to pray for my children (which is not what was originally planned), specifically that God will soften their hearts to their need for Him and need to put self last.  Selfishness is a huge battle in our house, and not just for the kids (yeah, it's a pretty big battle for me, too!)  I want it to leave and not return!  Only Christ in us can make it happen!  So, if you think of us in Oct., say a prayer that God will make some lasting changes in us and in our house!

Lord, use the month of October to show our family how much we need You.  Use this time to show us that You are worthy to be praised simply because You are God.  Open our eyes and our hearts to our need for You in our lives, every day, in every area.  Pour Your spirit of conviction on us in areas where we are not yielding to You, even Sophie and Ethan.  Show them their need for Your salvation and redemption in their young lives.  Use the scriptures we are memorizing from James to show all 4 of us that we can turn to You for anything and You will give generously that Your name might be known.  Use those verses to remind us that if we love You and want to follow You, then we will leave our comfort zone and love on those You have created, whether physically, financially, or spiritually.  We will love others sacrificially so that they may see Your love for them through Your death on the cross.  Break the fear that so often catches me in its grip.  Help me to be Your hands and feet to my children and husband that our family might be Your hands and feet to our community and world.  Lord, make permanent changes in all of us over the next month that we might trust You more, love You more, declare You more, and look more like You to all who see us.

40 Days of Solidarity With The Poor

As part of my month of giving in October, we'll be doing 40 days of solidarity with the poor (on a slightly smaller scale than the book suggests) in order to spend less on food and give the extra money to a group that helps feed or provide clean water to those in need around the world.  I am thinking we'll go with Compassion International.  We toured there this summer and we were just blown away by all the amazing work they do in so many countries.

We won't be going down to one meal a day, as many of the poor are forced to do, mainly because that's not all that healthy, especially for the kids.  We will be doing our best to eat like the poor, both in the US and around the world.  Some nights we'll be doing $5 meals (huge thanks to Jessica Bonvillian for coming up with those for me) and some nights we'll pick a country and eat some of the things the poor in that country would eat.  I am going eat just breakfast and dinner and fast for lunch to pray for those in need and how our family can be part of the solution for the many, both in the US and around the world, who suffer from lack of food and clean water.  I will be drinking only water for the whole month (so, those of you who see me, you may have to remind me of this!)

Every Sunday is a celebration day.  This is to remind us that, as Christians, each Sunday is to be a taste of the greatest day on our calendar: Easter.  We are called to live lives of joy, not merely constant sorrow.  These feasting days are a reminder of that.  I was also challenged to invite someone to lunch each Sunday of the month (mainly because she knew that would be WAY out of my comfort zone.)  I am trying to embrace that challenge and face it head on, but I'll admit, it's not easy for me!

Here are some quotes from Chris Seay's book A Place at the Table: 40 Days of Solidarity with the Poor that really hit home with me. I can't wait to embark on this challenge.  There is a short devotion and story of some one's life, along with a way to pray, for each day to help get us through and see the truth of what those living in poverty around the world go through each day.  Lord, mold us and change us as we see the truth of poverty.  Make us more joyful and aware of even the smallest blessings each day.  Open our eyes and hearts to how we can help and give more of ourselves to those in need, both across the street and on the other side of the globe!

"God changes the world through humility and service."
"As we learn to march in step with our Savior, we find that our swagger gives way to a lowly and humble way of walking."
"We have allowed our love of freedom to become and excuse to live a life marked by self-absorbed consumerism."
"We often see ourselves most clearly in our children."  (Can I get a resounding AMEN?!?!?)
"The fact that God sustains our lives by a gift from His hand should cause us to stop everything and offer a sincere thanks, but so often we do not."
"The time has come to see the food set before us as manna--our miraculous provision for the day.  Certainly, if you haven't grown it, gathered it, transported it, frozen it, or packaged it, it is a miracle that it makes it to your table.  Avocados from Mexico become guacamole on a table in Minnesota in December?  Amazing."
"Feast days are a time for us to relax our fast and enjoy the extravagant grace of our Father."
"Ask God to transform your character in ways that lead you to be a person of humble strength like Jesus."
"Our goal is that our desires no longer drive our lives."
"Prepare for the unexpected."
"As we step into the wilderness, we will have to face many fears.  The world's economy drives people by fear.  God's way is to bring people comfort in grace and love.  May we lay down our desires and seek the heart of God...May He use this time to start and complete wholeness in our mind, body, and spirit...Be courageous, step out in faith, lay yourself down for 40 days, and see what rises in your life."