Living Arrows Christian Academy

That's the name I chose for our homeschool a few years ago. I never intended to have a name, but my record keeping software asked for one, so I decided I needed one. This will probably surprise many of you, but when it comes to naming things or being clever with names, I have zero creativity. But, as I prayed and read scripture, this is the name that came to me. Because I want to raise my children to be living arrows, shot out into the broken world to wound the enemy and bring hope and life and joy through the Gospel to the world. Oh, how I pray each of us play some small role in drawing even one soul to Christ. May our lives declare His truth, even if we never speak a word. Father, let us see how every lesson, every hard school day, is worth it because it points us to You and gives us the skills and abilities to declare Your truth to others in any way You ask.

Thank you all for praying so diligently for our school room. The Lord is answering those prayers! God is truly redeeming this room. In the past, we've done school wherever we felt like for the day. For two months after Kevin's death school was on my bed. Every.day. We've never really had a set place. Honestly, I wasn't really sure we'd be able to adjust to having a set place. I was afraid we'd have this beautiful new room and still end up on my bed or the couch or the dining room table for school. BUT GOD has done a marvelous thing; my kids can hardly do school anywhere other than our school room. I set them down somewhere else to work on school and they can't focus or remember anything. They walk into that room and head to their desk and it's almost magical the way they come alive and hit their books hard. I still pray every day for a passion for learning, reading, and sharing Christ through all they learn and each day I am seeing little glimpses of that. Which is so good and much needed because this grieving momma still has a bit of a foggy brain, very little energy, and has actually fallen asleep reading to them once or twice. I need every little bright spot I can get!

Just in case you haven't seen on Facebook, I wanted to be sure all you prayer warriors who have been lifting up our room:

Five Months

This Wednesday (Aug. 10) will mark five months since my beloved husband passed away. Five months. Almost half a year. How is that even possible? How is it possible we're all still here, still moving, still putting one foot in front of the other, without you?

So much has changed in these last five months. I've learned to ask for help. I've learned to do a lot of things I never thought I could. I've learned to pray more fervently. I've learned to sleep alone. I've learned to trust God for even the smallest thing. I've learned, that even when God is providing every thing we could possibly need, I still often initially turn to fear and worry. I've learned that God truly does redeem our stories.

Lately, I've been reading a book that dives into the book of Ruth. The story in that book has become much more meaningful since becoming a widow. It's a reminder of God's love and provision for each of us, particularly the least of these. It has been convicting to look at Ruth and see how well she loves others, even in the midst of her own deep grief. Her husband has died. She has no children. She has left her family and the only culture she has known to follow her mother-in-law to love and care for her in her old age. Who does that? How did she do that? If there's been anything I've been in the last five months, it's been selfish and inwardly focused. I can't imagine how she can be so devoted, so loving, and so hard working while she is in such deep grief. Oh, that I would have that kind of love for those the Lord has placed around me.

Here's one thing that hasn't changed:

I love this ring. I remember how angry I was the day Kevin was, unbeknownst to me, picking it out. We were all going to see Willie Aames (Bibleman) and Brady Williams (Cypher) in a Bibleman Live show and Kevin was so late I'm pretty sure he missed part of the show. I was so angry with him. He knew how important it was to me that he be there to meet these two people I was working with, but he was still late. (And if you know Kevin, you know that's just the way he lived his life. Always late. I'll never understand people like that!) Of course, the night he proposed was pretty crazy, too! (Just ask Joe Banderman, Sabrina Brookshire, or Kevin's brother, Chris.) But, I have to say, I am glad he was late that night because this ring is beautiful! I loved it the moment I saw it! (Though I would have said yes whether he had a ring or not!) I just can't bring myself to take it off, yet. I'm not ready for that very visible sign to the world that I am single. That there's no husband. No father. I'm sure some day I'll be ready for that, but not today. Also, I've gained a lot of weight since Kevin put this ring on my finger and it's pretty tight. And barely comes off. And is way too small for the ring finger on my left hand. So, for now, it'll stay right where it is!

This week brought many opportunities to be angry. Angry at the situation we know find ourselves in. Angry at the choices Kevin made. Angry at addiction for stealing my husband and my children's father. Angry that Satan is here to steal, kill, and destroy. Angry that things always have to be so hard and have so many steps. Angry that I don't turn to Christ first when I am angry and frustrated. BUT GOD is so good. So forgiving. So loving. So comforting. I needed the reminder several times this week to lean in to Him and let go of the anger, pride, fear, and selfishness. I am sure this will not be the last time I'll need that reminder!

We've survived a lot of firsts and still have seven month's worth of more firsts, but we'll make it. We'll make because the Lord sustains. Provides. Heals. Protects. Leads. Guides. Saves. Redeems. And so much more.

Oh, Father, keep me focused on You alone. Use the scary moments to draw me to You. Use the fearful moments to draw me to You. Use the frustrating moments to draw me to You. Oh, Father, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I!

Three Months

June 10, 2016 marks three months since my precious Kevin took his last breath here on earth. (Though I'll be honest, it's possible it was sooner. I found him about 4:30 a.m. and I am confident he was already gone when I found him.) Three months.

It seems so long ago and and yet just like yesterday at the same time. I honestly didn't think I would last a day without him as I stood by his side in that hospital room and held his hand for the last time. It felt like I'd never be able to take another breath, let alone another step. There are still times I just sit in bed and cry. Cry because I miss him. Cry because life seems somehow less without him. Cry because life is harder without him. Cry because of the loss my children have suffered. Cry because of all my children will have to do without a daddy. Cry because I am angry. Cry because I am sad. Cry because I don't know what else to do. Cry because other people get to grow old with the love of their lives and it's just not fair that I don't. Cry because I feel awkward around other couples because I have no other half. Cry because there will be no daddy there to give my little girl away on her wedding day. Cry because there's no one here to daily teach Ethan how to be a man and father who loves and honors God. Cry because I want to dig deeply into the Word and I just can't focus long enough to do that. Cry because I miss the deep prayer life I had before he passed away. Cry because I fear my kids will never be saved. Cry because figuring out this single parent thing is just hard. Cry because I don't feel well but he's not here to comfort me or take care of the kids. Cry because the kids have had more screen time in the last three months than in the entire last year. Cry because I feel like I am so desperately failing my kids. Cry because the closet is empty. Cry because we don't need an office anymore. Cry because there are too many cables and cords in this house. Cry because I am still afraid of Heaven. Cry because my marriage to Kevin is over. Cry because, sometimes, crying just feels good.

When I look at pictures of Kevin, especially before addiction grabbed hold of him, everything feels so surreal. It feels like he's just gone on a business trip and he'll be back in a day or two. I miss the smile he had in those pictures. The JOY in his eyes in those pictures. It's been so long since I've seen that smile or that JOY in him. Addiction stole all of that. And that makes me so angry.

BUT GOD has promised that He will never leave or forsake me. BUT GOD has promised that He is Jehovah Jireh, the God who sees and provides. BUT GOD has promised that in Him, I can do all things. BUT GOD has promised that He loves my children more than my mind can fathom. He desires relationship with them even more than I desire that for them. BUT GOD promises that He is always faithful and true. I can trust Him in all things. BUT GOD has promised that no grave can hold what His grace has justified (lyrics from Lauren Daigle's The Power to Redeem.) This means that Kevin is healed, whole, JOYful, and sitting at the feet of His Savior offering the sweetest worship he's ever offered. No pain, No sadness. No fear. No guilt. No addiction. It means that Kevin's life didn't really start until he took his last breath here and opened his eyes in Heaven. BUT GOD will carry us through every hard day, every hard moment, and will catch every tear. He sees each hurt, angry moment, lonely moment, sad moment, and meets me where I am. Testimonies take time. Prayer works. God saves with His mighty right hand. He is hosanna. There is always a reason for eucharisteo.

Father, draw me to You every time I feel overwhelmed with fear, sadness, or doubt. Draw me to Your word every time I fear for the salvation of my children. Lord, fill me mind with the scriptures I've committed to memory just when I need them. Adopt my children. Give them a new heart and make them new creations. Fill them with Your Holy Spirit and enable them to pour their lives out loving You and loving others.

A Gift of Grace in the Form of a Late Night Revelation

I should be going to sleep right now. I don't feel well and I don't have time to be sick. But God just hit me with such a much needed revelation that I had to share.

Last night my son was not feeling well. He spent the entire time at VBS laying on the couch in the coffee house. When we got home he didn't even change clothes, he just laid down, wanting to sleep. This is extremely rare for Ethan so I knew he wasn't faking it. So, I wrapped him up in my arms (after a dose of children's Tylenol for the slight fever) and began to pray for him. I started to pray that God would heal him. Then I just stopped. Can I be honest here? Like ugly, mom fail, Christian fail honest here? I couldn't do it. I could not pray and ask God to heal Ethan because I asked God to heal Kevin and that healing took him from this earth. Ethan isn't ready to leave this earth. I couldn't speak the words. I couldn't think of anything to pray so I just sat there a moment. I don't even know how I finished the prayer, but I rushed from the room as fast as I could so I could sit in my room and cry in shame. Here I am, trying to teach my kids that God is faithful, trustworthy, our healer, protector, and provider; that He is sovereign and His plans are always good, but I couldn't trust him with this request. I couldn't ask for healing because I know, firsthand, that sometimes that healing comes in ways that leave others in pain and grief.

I almost admitted this to some sweet ladies at lunch today, but pride and shame kept me from saying anything. I didn't want them to know about my lack of faith and trust in God's plan, whatever it may be. I didn't want them to know I had a weak moment and was still shaken by it and unable to ask for healing.

Then I came home from church feeling like crap. There's really no other word to use. Achy, sore, headache, and a sore throat. Again, I just couldn't ask for healing. I know that I am ready to face Christ, but I'm not ready to leave my children (I also need to work on training myself to think with an eternal perspective, not an earthly one. So much work to do!) I was replaying last night in my mind when the thought came to me, just as the tears were pouring down, "You do know that, because Ethan isn't saved and if he died he would be in hell, that death for him isn't healing, right? Because of his spiritual state God would not be granting healing if He took Ethan from this earth right now. So pray for healing. Trust Him. He loves Ethan. He desires salvation for Ethan. He desires healing for Ethan. Hell is never healing." I cannot tell you the peace that flooded me when that thought came. I can pray for healing for my kids. I can trust that, even if God takes me from this earth while my children are young, He still loves them, still desires salvation for them, and will still pursue them fiercely. (Though I am still terrified at the thought of my kids spending eternity in hell and I pray fervently every day for their salvation.)

Father, teach me to trust my children to You. Teach me to trust every aspect of their lives to You. Teach me to trust their salvation to You. Teach me to trust their healing to You. Teach me to trust their eternity to You. Teach me to live faith and trust and hope and grace and mercy and love in front of them every day so they see You in all I do.

We've Made It Two Months

Two.months. It's already been two months since Kevin breathed his last here on earth and stepped into the presence of his Savior. Some days it feels like just yesterday, some days it feels so long ago. There have been a lot of ups and downs. He's been missed like crazy, by us and many others. There has been shock, fear, doubt, joy, tears, laughter, confusion, anxiety, and pretty much any other emotion you can think of in this house in the last two months. And not just from our tween daughter!

If you've been keeping up with my blog, then you pretty much know what's going on around here. I've done my best to be honest and real because, let's face it, fake helps no one. The days are always better than the nights, when I am finally alone with my thoughts and memories and fears and doubts. That's usually when the tears come. That's usually when I feel the most overwhelmed. During the day I can stay busy and not think about things too much, but at night, there's not much else to do but think. If I can focus on the here and now and not get too far ahead of myself, I can usually keep things in check. I totally understand now why Christ instructed us to not worry about tomorrow. Worrying about tomorrow, thinking too far ahead, only steals the JOY from the present moment and brings fear and worry and doubt about the unknown and a lot of things over which you have no control.

I have tried to be better about knowing when I need to say no and only say those best yeses. I admit, I don't like that. It makes me feel like a failure and a slacker. It makes me feel like I'm putting others in a bind and expecting them to do my work for me. It completely goes against my people pleasing, worker bee personality, but I know that it's good for me and good for those around me. I feel confident there are those that haven't been able to use their gifts and do what God has created them to do because I've just been doing everything, even things that my gifts are not suited for and I have not been called to do. My stepping down will allow them to be obedient and allow them and their ministry to thrive. Admittedly, there is fear in this, too. Fear that people will see I am not nearly as needed as I want them to think I am. Fear that they will see my skill set is very limited and specific and that I am not of much use at this point. I know these are not thoughts given to me by my Creator who loves me and knows me better than anyone else. It's hard work to push away those lies.

I am thankful and blessed to be able to say that I've only had one complete, total, "are you going to survive this" meltdown. I am still frustrated that it happened on a night when I was supposed to be celebrating a sweet friend heading to the mission field and I couldn't pull myself out of it in time to be with her at a special time. However, I know for a fact that the only reason I can say this has only happened once isn't because I'm not sad or not missing Kevin, but because I have the best family and friends on the planet. I can text them at any hour. I can call them for anything. No request or thought is too silly and they will be here at a moment's notice, regardless of what they have going on in their own lives. This has kept me safe, grounded, and focused. I don't know how people survive grief and the loss of loved ones without this kind of support. They've sent scriptures just when I needed them. They've listened to the Spirit every time He's told them to pray for our family. They've shared sweet, precious, funny, and spiritual memories of Kevin just when I needed them. They've dropped by to say hi and stayed to help me fold laundry or make my bed. They've done pretty much anything you can imagine. And they'd do it all again. And for any friend. They love God and love people well.

Honest moment here (I've had a lot of those lately): since Kevin passed away I've taken to doing pretty much everything but eating breakfast in my room. I get ready in here, including doing my make up in my room. We even did most of our school in here that last month. It's comfortable, easy, and warm. (The warmness factor is huge to me. I am always cold and the basement has been so cold I can't stay down there very long!) We even do our night time reading, thankful jar, and prayer time in here. It makes me feel so lazy, yet so at home at the same time. (And I have no idea why I felt the need to share that with you.) Oh, hey, on a side note, I made my bed by myself for the first time in two months. Big step. Huge.I did shed a few tears while doing it, but I survived! I've even washed, dried, folded, and put away numerous loads of laundry. It's the little things, people. Step by step. One foot in front of the other. And some days, that's much harder than it should be. BUT GOD gives grace upon grace and keeps me moving.

I still find it hard to think of myself as a single parent. Or even single. I can't imagine ever taking my rings off for more than making noodles or doing papier mache. It's hard to imagine visiting his family without him. Some days it just feels like he's on a business trip and will be home in a few days. The kids have really done so well. I am so proud of them. They've asked some hard questions, but for the most part they feel a genuine joy that daddy is no longer sad or in pain. They love sharing funny stories and memories of daddy and we've had a lot of laughs, even though they are sometimes mingled with tears. Ethan has already asked if we can celebrate Father's Day the way we celebrated Kevin's birthday. I guess I need to start working on that, huh? (I was totally not expecting him to ask that, but it warms my heart to know that he enjoyed serving others and wants to do it again.)

We've had a lot of great conversations about heaven, mostly due to the fact that we're studying it in Family Quest right now. We've teared up a few times (me more than the kids), but the JOY that lights up their faces every time we're asked to list what we think might be in heaven and both of them immediately answer, "Daddy!" Oh, how I beg God daily for their salvation. And I pray that it's not just so they can see daddy again, but because God has placed that call and desire in their hearts.

I am looking forward to a laid back summer that includes lots of time with friends we don't get to see very often. I am praying that it is restful and energizing so I can have the brain power and excitement I need to start our school year off right this fall. (Here's hoping I can get the office cleaned out in time to make it a school room before we actually start school. Right now, that feels like a pipe dream!)

I am so thankful to all the amazing ways the Lord has provided for us. And continues to provide for us. I couldn't even remember them all to list them here, but I wish I could. He's paid bills, provided gift cards, sent meals, you name it. For the near future, He's provided the money we need to allow me to continue homeschooling. As of now, there's still not really much left over for saving or a rainy day, so I know the time is quickly approaching when I am going to have to get out there and find at least a part-time job so I can assure we can be ready for any financial surprises that may come our way. This scares me to death. To.death. I haven't worked outside my home (or inside my home for anyone other than my family) for seven years. I don't even know what I would put on a resume. I have some great skills, but they aren't really marketable skills. At least not around here. I know this is another way that God is asking me to lay something at His feet and trust that He will provide. I want to do this, but y'all, that's so hard to do. To really do. And mean it. And leave it there. Father, I need You to fill me with the courage to trust You to provide, in whatever way You know is best. And I have to be honest, Lord, You're going to have to do this every day.

Father, continue to mold and shape me into the mother and woman You want me to be. Give me a love and passion for Your word. Give me a hunger and thirst for righteousness. Lord, give me the energy and JOY to love and lead my children well. Teach me to make the most of my every moment; to teach You to my children, to draw close to You by prayer and time in the Word, and even the time to eat well and exercise so I can be healthy to do all You call me to do. Oh, Father, pour out Your salvation on Sophie and Ethan. Let today be the day of salvation in our home. Adopt them and give them a deep love for you and a desire to obey and serve You with every day You give them. Lord, give me an excitement for heaven. Remove my fear of death and meeting You face to face. Replace that fear with JOY, hope, and passionate excitement for real life to begin. Give me an excitement and love for this world You have placed me in for this time, that they may see You in me and call on You and accept Your free gift of salvation. Father, I want to live well for you with every breath I have, but I don't know just how to do that. I feel lost and small and insignificant and passionless and confused. Use me anyway? Bring glory to Yourself through my inadequacies. Use my weaknesses to point my children to You. Use my weaknesses to point those I meet to You. Every.day.

A Note to the Precious Lives That Made Me a Mother

To my Gift Girl and Blessing Boy,

There is so much I want to say and so much I want you to know. I've tried to start this letter more times than I can count, but I get overwhelmed by not knowing where to start and give up. Every.time. Not this time. There are some things I need to pass on to you and be sure that you know.

First, God loves you more than you can ever imagine. He desires a deep, personal relationship with you and sent His Son to die on the cross to make it possible. Each day you wake up He is offering His free gift of salvation to you. Oh, how I pray you'll accept this gift and spend your lives living courageously for Him, allowing the Holy Spirit to lead and guide you.

Daddy loved you with his whole heart. You were his pride and joy. You made him smile, laugh, and have a reason to get up each morning. More than anything, he prayed that you would accept God's free gift of salvation and live your lives for His glory. I will continue to pray this same thing, even in his absence. It is my heart's greatest desire for you. I promise to do the best I can to follow Christ and obey His call on my life, even in the hard. Even when I am tired. Even when other things look easier and more fun. I will do my best to live in such a way that God's presence is clear to you in every moment.

Other than my pleas for your salvation, this may be the most important thing I pray for you: love the Lord with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength. This will impact and change everything you do in this life. It won't always make things easy or perfect, but it will always mold you a little more into a woman and man who is more like Jesus every day, in every way. It will give you the strength and bravery to face anything that comes your way.

Remember who created you. You were knit together by the very hand of God. He knew your name before you were even a thought to anyone here on earth. He saw each one of your days before they were even lived. You are loved and personally designed by the God who spoke all things into existence.

Remember that everyone you meet, regardless of skin color or economic class or social status was knit together by the very hand of God. He loves each of them as much as He loves you. He desires a deep, personal relationship with each of them as much as He desires the same with you. He sent His Son to die in their place, too. Oh, precious children, love people. Love.People. Love them because of your love for God and your desire to love what He loves. Love them so they can see the God is real. That's all the reason you need. Every life is valuable because they were made by God and He loves them fiercely. Loving people is hard and messy and scary. BUT GOD commands it, blesses it, and gives you all the strength and patience you need to love others as He loves them.

If you can do those last three things, the life you create will be God-honoring, point many to Christ, and be the most amazing, crazy, hard, spectacular, ugly beautiful adventure you will ever know. If you do those things then your job won't be a job, but just one more way to love God and love people. It will enable you to be God's hands and feet here on Earth, which is what God asks His children to be. Oh, how I pray that salvation comes to your souls while you are young so you have many years to know Him, love Him, and serve Him. How I pray that my failures and shortcomings serve to show you even more of God's grace, mercy, and love.

Father, let my life, in every area, declare You to my children. Let them see You in my every action and word. Give me the bravery and strength and love to pour myself out for you in my home, in my church, and wherever You place me on any given day. Be the father they no longer have here on earth. Draw them close. Whisper Your love to them every day. Declare Your goodness in each moment. Use our little family, broken and human as it is, to declare You to a lost and dying world.

#choosingjoybyblessing

That was the theme for our day yesteday, April 28, 2016. If he hadn't passed away in March, that would have been my husband's 34th birthday. I knew it would be a hard day. I knew there would be sadness. And tears. And not wanting to move.

I had a choice: wallow in my sadness (and take my children with me), or choose JOY in the hard and teach my children that, even in the hard, God is good. Obedience brings blessing. Loving God and loving others really do matter.

I wanted to choose the first one. I wanted a day of nothing but laying in bed, watching movies, and crying. But, honestly, that did no one any good, least of all my children. That choice did nothing to honor the man I with whom spent 15 years loving, serving, and building a family. I knew that I had to choose to see the JOY in the hard. There was only one way to do that: lean in to God, the source of any strength I may have (and believe me, there isn't much!) To honor Kevin's memory on his birthday I wanted to do two things--serve others in a way that Kevin loved to serve others and share God with those we chose to serve.

One of the things Kevin loved to do most was to give people gifts that they could truly use but weren't expecting. I am not quite sure how it happened, but I decided that I wanted to give Sonic gift cards to HLGU students. We met and fell in love at HLG and it's almost finals time. It was perfect! My sweet friend Larinee helped me to refine the idea and wrote a poem I could give with each gift card. On top of that, when cleaning out some of Kevin's things, I found an old Christmas card that still had money in it that was a little more than the amount I had planned to spend, allowing me to add two more gift cards. Isn't God good?

Yesterday was probably the best day we've had in 6 weeks. Yes, there were some tears. Yes, we missed Kevin a little more than the day before. But, it was oh, so sweet, to take my kids to several places just for the purpose of spoiling other people. We had a very good conversation about sacrificing in order to share Christ with others and the truth that obedience brings blessings, even when that blessing doesn't come right away or in the form we thought it would take. We talk about how much daddy loved giving gifts to people and how good he was at getting just the perfect thing for people. We had some laughs as we talked about funny stories or silly things daddy did or said. It was just a wonderful day.

I needed that day. If feel so self-absorbed right now. My brain is stuck in grief mode and I've had a really hard time thinking beyond my four walls. Sometimes I can't even think within these walls. Sometimes I can't even think at all. I hate this feeling. I hate that someone else had to clean my house, wash my laundry, plan my daughter's birthday party, head up things that I was supposed to do, and much more. I hate that I don't feel up to standing in the gap when others need help. I hate that I haven't had the words to write notes of love and encouragement to all those amazing ladies who have loved me through these hard days in every way they can. I want to live a life that points others to Christ and pours itself out being His hands and feet. It felt really good to do that yesterday.

Here's just a little glimpse into our day of #choosingjoybyblessing yesterday:

 Heading out for the day.

 Breakfast at Java Jive, one of Kevin's favorite places.

 One of the two extra gift cards we were able to purchase.

 We left those two on random cars in downtown Hannibal.

 We walked a few blocks because Kevin loved walking around downtown Hannibal.

 The kids insisted we take pics here. It's the bench where we had most of our family pictures taken.

 The note and gift cards we left for students at HLGU.

 All the numbers meant something to us. I love that the way Sophie posed for each of these pictures was so her!

 Note how differently he was posed! So him!

 I even went for a run, something Kevin also enjoyed. He always tried to get me to run with him, but I didn't get into running until he couldn't run anymore.

 Birthday gelato at another favorite place of Kevin's: Stam's.

Our version of birthday cake.

We picked out shoes to send to Bethesda, the orphanage where our friends will be living and working, starting Monday!

I think one of the most exciting parts of the day was hearing from the teacher of a student whose meal we paid for in the McDonald's drive-through. We were so sad when we got there and there was no one behind us. We stopped, prayed for God to send someone, then pulled up to order. Just as we started to order, a car pulled up behind us. This teacher said her student brought in the card we gave them, ready it to her, and, though he doesn't pray, said that he would start praying by praying by us. It also opened the door for her to share our story with her class. It was a beautiful example to my kiddos that, truly, obedience brings blessing. When we choose to use what God has given us (time, money, talents, etc) He will bless us and bless others.

Father, give me Your eyes and Your heart so that I can be Your hands and feet. Steal my children's hearts! Let today be the day of Sophie's salvation! Let today be the day of Ethan's salvation. Adopt them! Make them new creations in You who have a passion for You and sharing You lovingly with all they meet. Mold us. Shape us. Use us!

Grief Brain

Yeah. I have that. Of course, I think the flow went something more like pregnancy brain to mom brain to grief brain. All are similar. All are annoying. I can't even tell you the number of times I have left my phone somewhere in the last month. And my keys. And my kids. OK, I haven't left my kids anywhere. Yet. But with my brain in this state, I wouldn't rule it out. Focusing on anything for more than 15 minutes or so is virtually impossible. It makes it really hard to have any kind of in-depth Bible study or deep prayer time. The smallest things send me into tears or a panic. I cried about carrying out trash the other night. Trash. Making even the smallest decision is extremely tiring and raises my blood pressure. Do you know how many decisions you have to make when you are a recently widowed single parent. My brain cannot handle it. I do not have the emotional bandwidth that comes with making decisions right now.

If I am being honest, there are times when I don't have the bandwidth for my children. I feel like such a bad mom. A failure. They talk to me and I don't hear a thing they say. Some days it takes everything in me to even want to be in the same room with them. Did I mention that I homeschool? And they are here all the time? Because I decided five years ago that this would be a good idea? Some days I just want to scream, "What was I thinking?!?!?!!?" I actually gave up on finishing any school other than history, science, Bible and math this year. (OK, Ethan didn't actually finish math, but he was really close. I at least intend for him to get the lessons finished randomly throughout the summer. Yeah, based on what I've written so far, the odds of that happening are slim to none. And slim is on a train on the way out of town. But it's the thought that counts, right? We should all be worried about my children's education.) Bedtime, while some days I love the coziness and routine of it, most of the time I just want to push them off to bed and walk away. Go hide in my room with the noise of the TV. I hate this. I so desperately pray that they don't feel that irritation, sense me pushing them away, or ever feel unwanted. I love them so much. I don't know where I would be without them right now. Most days they are the only reason I get out of bed or get dressed. Oh, Father, please let me move past this stage of grief quickly, for the sake of my children. Let summer be a sweet time of fun, relaxation, and bonding closer than I could ever imagine. Wrap them in Your love. Call their names. Draw them to You. Reach down with Your mighty right arm of salvation and seal their souls with Your Holy Spirit as You bring salvation to their souls. Oh, how I beg that my grief won't drive them away or harden their hearts. Protect them. Love on them. Teach them joy in the hard now that will carry on throughout all the hard they will experience during this life on this broken planet.

I have slowly been going through things in the house. If you know me, you know I am not super sentimental and I hate keeping things around I know we won't use/wear/listen to, etc. This process has been hard for me, not because I don't feel like I am attached to everything, but because I am afraid I'll get rid of something someone else may have wanted. I fear people will take my getting rid of things as unloving or that I am forgetting Kevin. I have his closet and dressers cleaned out. (I must admit, while I'd rather have him still with me, I am enjoying the extra space for my clothes and shoes. Shallow, I know.) I've been through the storage area and got rid of about 7 big trash bags full of stuff. (I am thankful for a local church that was doing a missions yard sale I could donate all of those bags to last weekend.) His tools are still all over the place. I don't even know where to start. His office. Oh.my.word.his.office. He had so much stuff! I mean, seriously, how did he even amass that much stuff? There's music stuff, computer stuff, camera stuff, and just stuff. Just walking in the door and looking at all I have to go through raises my blood pressure. I am so thankful that I have people who can come in and look at everything and help me decide what to sell, what to donate, and what to toss. Unfortunately, there's been a bit of a delay in setting up his estate, which means there's a delay in me being able to get rid of those things. I am hoping to be able to sort it as I move it to the storage area so we can turn his office into our school room. After 5 years of doing school at a card table or on the couch or at the dining room table or on my bed, we'll finally have a dedicated school room! All three of us find that exciting! I can't wait to pick out paint with the kids, get bookshelves moved, and set up a little reading nook. It will be a fun project we can do together and it will be fun to find ways to keep Kevin in the room with us.  (He has two office chairs that the kids cannot wait to use as school chairs and they are uber excited to be able to use his desktop as our school computer. I'll admit, I am pretty excited about that second one myself!)

One of my biggest stresses is desiring to be a good steward of all that such loving, caring people have given us in the past month. I have never been one who just tosses money around (who can actually do that kind of thing), but I find myself stressing over even the smallest of decisions. Go out to eat? Treat the kids to something special? Planners for school? Visit friends? Donate to those in need? Support missionaries? I want to be a good steward and honor the love and dedication and hard work of those who so generously and graciously gave to us. Father, give me wisdom. Don't allow me to fall into the trap of being stingy or withholding from others while in this strange transition phase. Teach me how to serve You well with all You have provided for us.

Another moment of honesty, I get tired of "counting fish" (keeping track of blessings. Check out this post from Ann Voskamp for the explanation: How to Live Through Anything: The Fish Principle) Sometimes I just want to wallow. I want to throw a pity party. I want things to not be hard. I don't want to find the beauty in the ugly. Can't I just have beauty without the ugly? Some days I really struggle to find something to be thankful for at the end of the day. But, oh, how I need to count those fish in order to keep moving. To see God's hand working. To keep putting one foot in front of the other. To see that He really does make the ugly beautiful. Oh, Father, open my eyes to see Your hand weaving this story together for our good and Your glory. Remind me that, while from my perspective things just look like a mess, You see the whole picture and the beautiful picture it makes.

Ways You Can Pray For Our Little Family

Lots of people over the last month have asked me how they can pray for us. I usually stumble through an answer and sometimes don't even give one. It's not because there isn't anything to pray for, just that I am not very quick on my feet (just ask anyone who has ever interviewed me for anything, I need the questions ahead of time so I have time to think about it and formulate my answer!) So, here are just a few ways you can be praying for our family:

-Ask God to reach down his mighty right arm that saves and bring salvation to the souls of my children, Sophie and Ethan. May He give them new hearts and make them new creations. Ask that He will teach them to love Him with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength and love others as they love themselves. Ask God to teach each of them to trust and obey Him in all things and to spend their lives to make Him known to others in any way possible. Pray that their decision for Christ would be real, deep, and not based on wanting to see their Daddy again.

-We are still grieving and will be for a long time. Every day is full of ups and downs. We had some good discussions today about life, death, and heaven. Pray that I will make the most of the teachable and tender moments that will come in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Pray that God would give me a sensitive spirit to know what they are truly asking and truly needing to hear. It's very easy for me to tune them out toward the end of the day because, well, I just can't handle any more words! Pray that the Lord would give me endurance for the entire day so I can answer all those questions.

-The Lord has provided abundantly for our family! I cannot even begin to tell you all the ways, means, and people He has used to pour His blessing on us. Homeschooling for the next year will be possible (my daughter was very worried about this!) He has provided enough money for us to live, but there won't be much left over for emergencies or savings. Please join me in praying that God would provide a way for me to provide an income for my family while still homeschooling my children (I have made the commitment that I will be obedient to homeschool until the Lord tells me otherwise and, so far, He has not.) I have no idea what this will look like; part-time, full-time, from home, outside the home, days, nights, childcare for my kids...lots of unknowns. He has provided enough that I don't have to rush into looking, but I can't go forever without having something, either. I am thankful that the Lord is giving me peace with this right now, but I haven't had a job since Ethan was born, so it means redoing my resume, interviews, and all those things I haven't done in a long time! I want to be wise in making this decision and a good steward of the provisions He's given us.

-Would you join me in praying that the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart would be pleasing to Him? I want Christ to have all the glory in my every word and every action.

-Kevin's birthday is April 28. I am still not 100% sure what we will do that day, but I want it to be a day of celebration and looking to Christ. I want it to be this way every year, but I have no idea how to accomplish that. I am asking for God to give me wisdom and direction on what tradition the three of us can do on his birthday each year. (And, if you know me, what I am really looking for is a way to honor his memory while giving to those in need in some area that would have meant a lot to him.)

-Pray that the Lord would teach all three of us how to live out Psalm 113:5-6: "But I will trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me."

-One of my deepest prayers is that the diseases of addiction and depression are over in our family. I pray earnestly that, like the Egyptians at the Red Sea, those diseases that we've seen so much of the last few years will never be seen again in our family. I pray that I will not see them again in my children or any other descendants, from generation to generation.

-At the beginning of the year I felt the Lord gave me Psalm 90:12-17 to pray over our family for 2016. I am still praying that over us: "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain wisdom. Relent, LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on Your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May Your deeds be shown to Your servants, Your splendor to Your children. May the favor of the LORD our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands."

-Can I be really transparent here? Like, the ugly kind of honest you don't usually voice? There have been times that, in my hardest moments, I've feared whether or not Kevin was truly saved because of his struggle with addiction. It's a disease that is hard to put into words. It's a disease that is hard to grasp. It's a disease that is hard to reconcile with the Christian life. Or what I think the Christian life should look like. Several times I have just gotten on my face, ugly cried like my life depended on it, and screamed out to God for reassurance that Kevin was truly saved and is sitting in heaven right now. Friends, God has answered that prayer every time by sending me words from high school and college friends, directing me to little notes that Kevin wrote to me through the years, random notes I found in an old Bible cover I didn't even know existed, and many other small ways. Would you pray with me that I will not allow Satan's fiery dart of fear take over my thoughts where Kevin's salvation is concerned? Pray that I will not worry what others think of his salvation when I know that God has given me and answer and God's answer is the only one that matters. (I have a big fear of people thinking that his war with addiction means he wasn't saved and I just can't handle people thinking that of my beloved.) When I give in to these fears, it causes me fear for my salvation and doubt whether God will or wants to save my children. That is not how God wants me to live. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self-discipline.

-Will you join me in praying that the Lord will give us joy in the hard? Joy in the ugly? Joy in the crazy journey that lies ahead of us? As a child of God, it is possible to be in the midst of confusion and a big, hot mess, and still be filled with joy. I want that for our family. I want others to look at us and not see Heather, Sophie, and Ethan, but to see a loving, merciful God who gave Himself up for us, regardless of where we are or where we come from. God is greater! I want our lives to declare that every day.

Thank you for all the prayers you've voiced on our behalf so far. God is answering them! Thank you in advance for the many more you will voice in the future!

We Made It!

This was a long, hard week. Both kids celebrated birthdays this week. We survived our first major event without Kevin. While neither day was without tears (mainly from me), we made it! We survived! We spent time with friends, ate cake, and shared some fun memories of Daddy.

Overall, it was a good week. On top of birthdays, Sophie and I also got to be part of Fiddler on the Roof at HLGU. Sophie did a small dancing part and I helped with a little make up. We both enjoyed it and had fun! I am thankful for friends who stepped in and helped with Ethan, making it possible for me to help. I am still getting used to this whole single parent thing, which means adjusting schedules and things I do because there isn't always someone to watch my kids or something for them to do. I want to scream, "I wasn't built for this!" But, deep in my heart, I know that isn't true. If I truly believe that every one of my days was written in God's book before one of them was lived (Psalm 139), then I also have to believe that I AM built for this because God knew, before I was formed in my mother's womb, that this day would come. I don't feel this, so I must constantly remind myself of it.

The grief has been really up and down this week. I was told this would happen so I was expecting it. I had my first counseling appointment this week (it went really well and I felt so much lighter after going.) I had visits from three college friends this week. That was also refreshing! One friend lost her father when she was a little younger than Ethan and had such good, sweet, wise words for me and for my kids to help us through the hard days ahead of us. She filled me with such hope and joy.

Running is one thing that has been so much harder without Kevin. I totally didn't appreciate his flexibility and ability to watch the kids at pretty much any time of any day. That made running with the girls so much easier. I've gone from running with them 3 times a week to barely being able to make once a week work. Today was one of those running days. And I am sore. Because I did nothing in between the times I ran with them. Please tell me that one day I will pull it together and be able to make a running schedule work and the grief will subside enough that I'll eventually have the energy to exercise alone on the days I can't run with the girls.

One thing I wasn't really ready for is all the selfish moments and thoughts that I have had. I struggle to want to do fun things with my kids. I am tired and I'd just rather nap. It try to meet in the middle and we watch movies together (if you can consider my napping while the movie is playing watching together.) I've thrown myself several pity parties thinking that I'll never again get Mother's Day presents, birthday presents, or Christmas presents. Really? Like any of that matters to begin with and like my kids can't take initiative and do those things for me. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean they love me less or value me less. I am just allowing Satan to use these little things to distract me from trusting God, spending time with Him, and seeing the amazing things the Lord has done and is doing for us. This life isn't about me. It's not even about my kids. It's about Him. Father, help me to remember and live that.

I am still missing my ability to focus for longer periods of time. My prayer time and Bible study are suffering because I just can't focus. I pray more at random times, but the prayers are short and don't feel deep like I had just a few months ago. I take comfort in the truth that even when we have no words, the Spirit intercedes for us. I need that so badly now! I am also thankful for the army of friends, family, and even strangers (thank you, Social Media) who are storming the gates of heaven on our behalf every day. I truly can feel the prayers and they are keeping us going.

If I am being honest. there are days that there's no way I would ever get out of bed if I didn't have children I needed to care for each day. I am tired. Life is hard. I don't enjoy getting used to life without the man who has been my other half for the last 15 years. Sleep just sounds better. Oh, but the love and grace of God placed these two beautiful children in my life. They light up my days. They make me laugh. They comfort me. They keep me going when I just want to give up. I have tears in my eyes just typing the words. I am so thankful for these two precious kiddos (even though I am scared to death that I am now their sole discipler, teacher, example, and {earthly}provider.) Oh, Father, teach me to love You with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength so that my children see You in all I do. Lord, save them! Adopt them! Let today be the day of salvation in our home!

Lord, I know there is a long road ahead. That road will be full of hard, happy, sad, scary, joyous, and awkward moments. Teach me to see Your hand in each moment, regardless of the feelings that will well up in me. Teach my body to sleep regularly, peacefully, and restfully. Teach me to start each day in You and to trust in You each moment of the day. Father, teach me how to live in such a way that no part of my life is wasted. Remove my selfishness far from me so my life can be poured out for others in order for Your name to be known. Speak to me and speak through me!

Thank You Just Doesn't Seem Like Enough

You.All. This tribe called Calvary Baptist Church is just too much. Too.Much! Not only have they given food, money, hugs, screen doors, and more prayers than I could every possibly count, they knocked it out of the park this weekend fixing up our home. My kitchen and basement are amazing. I can actually see in the bathroom. The new paint is perfect! It's all just too.much. I have no idea how in the world to thank everyone. To be honest, I don't even know who or how many people were involved, so I don't know who to even thank!

My dear Calvary family: thank you for loving God and loving people. Thank you for doing both well! Your words and your deeds speak volumes to me about how deeply you love our Savior and our family. I am blown away by how well you are taking care of our every need. I am so sorry that over the last year or so you've had to learn how to grieve well with others, but I am thankful you were such fast and diligent learners. What you did in my home this weekend is just beyond words! I seriously felt like I was on an episode of Fixer Upper! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I forgot to take before pictures and, sadly, many of you probably didn't see it in person (hospitality is NOT my gift. In fact, the thought of having people in my home almost makes me break out in hives. God has really stretched me in the last three weeks!) so you won't know the true amazing work that these men and women did, but I do want you to see the end result of their hard work. It's beautiful! And it just might make me like hospitality!

Enjoy these beautiful pictures and join me in thanking all those who were here and made this possible!

This might just be my favorite thing! This is my eucharisteo (giving thanks with JOY) wall where we'll be able to count all the grace upon grace God lavishes on us!

Three of the four dining room walls used to be green. I love the new color!

New bathroom vent, new color on the wall, new ceiling, and they super cleaned the tub.

Is this not totally beautiful? Kevin bought this tile 3 or 4 years ago to put in the kitchen, but he never got around to it. They put it in this weekend. I LOVE IT!

They even put a fresh coat of paint on the kitchen cabinets. This tribe is just too much!

That flooring. I just...I can't even!

Is this not just gorgeous?!?!?! (That video chair was Kevin's from high school. The kids love it! I can't even believe it's still in one piece.)

Sophie is pretty excited to have a spot to dance! I am thankful for a spot to exercise when I can't run with the girls. And that bookshelf. Kevin built that for me to hold our school stuff.

I love that I have a new shower curtain! Ethan helped me pick it out, so we got the feminine design with a strong, manly color.

So, Kevin used to have his hair gel sitting next to the faucet at the sink. Everyone always used it thinking it was hand soap. No one will make that mistake anymore!

Father, thank You for the blessing of this amazing church family. We have done nothing to deserve the love that they have lavished on us, but I am overwhelmed with gratitude for it. Bless their obedience. Bless their sacrifice. Teach us to use this space they have so lovingly provided for us to honor and glorify You at all times. Lord, use the way our church loves You and loves people to change this community in Your name.

As Much of My Heart as My Mind Will Let Me Share Today....

Forgiveness is hard. Forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness is impossible, apart from God's grace. I am so thankful for God's perfect, whole, complete forgiveness. I wish humans were capable of that. But, let's face it. We aren't. The best we can do is to lay it at Jesus' feet and do our best to leave it there. To do our best to not use that thing we've said we forgive as a weapon against the one we love. Sometimes what is hardest is to accept Christ's forgiveness, lay that thing in the past, and then move on. It's done. It's time to dust yourself off, pick up the pieces, grab hold of His grace, and move forward. Yet, that's so hard to do. Some days, it feels impossible! It hurts, it's hard, and it's so necessary. Father, help me to lean into and grab hold of Your forgiveness in my life. Help me to be one that lavishes forgiveness on others.

Being part of the body of Christ is hard, messy, tiring, joyous, exciting, and scary. It takes work. People don't really tell you that. They don't tell you that you have to keep calling, hang in there, ask questions, dive in, get messy, laugh together, cry together, suffer together, forgive each other. It is tiring to  do well. I am not up for this task. I am not built for this task. But, with God, it's not only possible, but it happens. I have been on the receiving end of this and it's beautiful. Messy, ugly, beautiful. Oh, Father, give me Your heart for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Give me Your eyes to see them and Your heart to love them. Help me to be Your hands and feet.

Addiction sucks. There's no way around that fact. It's confusing, mean, harsh, and a thief of pretty much everything. And there's no going back. Even those who are recovering addicts will never get their "before" life back. They, and none of their loved ones, will never be the same. Addiction is cruel and I am convinced it's one of Satan's greatest strategies. It pulls you, and your loved ones, off their game, diverts their attention, and makes it hard to see how there could possibly be a loving and merciful God in the midst of this kind of suffering. And so many suffer alone because it is so misunderstood. Trust me, I am no expert, but there is so much more to this disease (and it IS a disease) than we will ever be able to comprehend. It's not about will power or self-control. It's about this amazing, complicated, scientists still don't understand brain that God gave us. It can be helped and treated, but may not ever be the same again. It's a lifetime of having to give up privacy for the sake of saving your life. Who wants to do that? That's what makes it so hard. For many, to fight this battle means giving up friends and family who won't encourage or help. Those who do have friends and family willing to help, it's hard to give your privacy and pride to let down the needed walls and let them help. Those that choose to help, it's a long hard road. It means making yourself vulnerable to this person who needs your help so much. It means sticking with them, even on days when the desire is bad or they just want privacy. It means not giving up when that's all you really want to do. It's ugly, messy, real, and one of the greatest earthly pictures of what God, in His grace, has done for us. It's one of the greatest earthly pictures of the spiritual battle that is happening all around us, that our eyes can't see. It's real, harsh, and seemingly unending (though Christ's return will put an end to all of it, amen!!)

Why is it so hard to open up and be truly honest with each other? I mean, none of us are perfect, we all have sin in our lives, and we all need Jesus. Doesn't that put us all on even ground? Ah, but that whole comparison trap. We only see the outside, in little snippets here and there, and we're convinced that no one else struggles. Everyone else has it all together and we're the only ones drowning. THIS IS JUST NOT TRUE! If we would all be honest and share truth with each other (admittedly, you don't have to share every gritty detail with every person. Find that one, "your person", in whom you can confide and with whom you can have accountability and celebrate those highs and to whom to can admit your lows) how much more encouraging would we be to one another? (And how much more hope would a lost world see when they see that we are people, just like they are, who struggle but have Christ as our anchor!) Isn't it such an encouragement to know that someone else has rolled in the same (or similar) mud and lived to tell about it? Isn't it awesome to see how God works in the lives of others? I know that's always encouraging to me (unless I let that comparison monster take over, again!) Another thing that struck me while driving yesterday is that, sometimes, I think the reason we aren't honest with each other is because we associate, and assume others do, too, blessing and an easy life with a sinless life. Meaning, if we share our struggles with others they'll assume we've sinned in some big way and this is our punishment. NEWSFLASH: We all sin. We all receive punishment for sin. But we also know that we have an enemy who is roaming around like a lion seeking those he can destroy. He'll do that any way he can and sometimes, that means throwing a wrench in our lives. Why suffer privately when you can share and be loved on and encouraged as we were meant to be? (I am totally preaching to myself here!) I love this song and I always thought of it in regard to marriage, but as I was listening to it yesterday I was struck by this thought, "This should be an anthem of the church. This is how we are to love our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, whether they are in our building or halfway around the world." Listen to If You Fall by JJ Heller  We must fight with and for one another. I am so blessed to know many in my life who do this well. It doesn't always feel good. It doesn't always look beautiful, in the world's terms. But, in God's terms, it's quite possibly one of the most beautiful things we humans can do-listen, love, show grace, and point to Christ. Oh, Father, help me to be one who is brave and honest with my joys and my struggles. Use my pain to encourage others that You are faithful, loving, merciful, and You alone are salvation. Lord, help me to step up alongside others who are hurting to be Your hands and feet in their lives. Let me be a reflection of Your love and grace in their lives each day.

Some days the feeling of unworthiness nearly swallows me whole. Please tell me I am not the only one Satan messes with in this way. He totally deceives my mind into thinking that there's no way I can be useful. No way I can be encouraging to others. No way that I should be doing any of the ministry that I am doing. That I have no right to worship, love on others, or ask others for prayer. That I need to walk away and let others leave because I have no place, in my mostly tattered and rag tag condition, It puts me in a panic and raises my blood pressure. It makes me just want to lay in bed, eat chocolate, and cry. But when I open myself up, cry out to God, and share with Him honestly He whispers to me who I really am. In Him. I am equipped through Christ with every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1:3). I am chosen in Him before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4). I am regarded as holy and blameless before Him (Eph. 1:4). I am adopted through the kind intention of His will (Eph. 1:5). I am redeemed, forgiven, and lavished with grace (Eph. 1:7-8). I am the recipient of a glorious inheritance in heaven (Eph. 1:11). I am secured forever by the Holy Spirit of promise (Eph. 1:13-14). (This list can be found, with much more, in Priscilla Shirer's book Fervant.) And so much more! When I truly turn these feelings of unworthiness over to Christ, He shows me who I really am, reminds me of how much I've grown, and reminds me that my worship and my service are so much sweeter, honest, and personal these days (even if sometimes it's all more a sacrifice of praise than an offering of joy.)

I love music. I love the way it speaks to me, encourages me, lifts my attitude, and points me in the right direction. I love how just the right song coming on turns the whole van into a dance party! So, I thought I'd share some of the music that has meant the most to me (and has been on constant repeat) over the last 6 months or so. Click on the links and then do yourself a favor and get the music. I promise you won't regret it:
Mercy Me: Greater
Mercy Me: Finish What He Started
Christy Nockels: Already All I Need
Christy Nockels: Jesus, Rock of Ages (OK, this ENTIRE album is one you just need to buy! You will be in true worship with each song. Look it up: Christy Nockels "Let It Be Jesus". You can thank me later!)  ;)
The Rend Collective Experiment: JOY
The Rend Collective Experiment: More Than Conquerors
The Rend Collective Experiment: Every Giant Will Fall  (OK, let's be honest, do yourself a favor and purchase every song Rend Collective has ever recorded. Best.decision.ever.)
JJ Heller: I Believe
Andrew Peterson: The Rain Keeps Falling (This song, more than any other I have heard, truly expresses what it's like to be trapped in addiction, depression, or grief as a Christian, wanting out, but the lesson isn't over and the stone isn't rolling away from in front of the tomb. LISTEN TO THIS! Then, get the entire CD, "The Burning Edge of Dawn".)

Confessions of a Mediocre (at best) Homeschooling Mom

I hope this post will make you smile, take a deep breath, and see that things aren't as scary or as overwhelming as they may first seem when taking on the task of homeschooling your children. If this is your first year, know that there are many ups and downs, but if I can do it and keep my kids alive, so can you! If you're a veteran, you've probably lived all this and more! Sit back, enjoy reading, have a few laughs, and start a list of all the things you can praise God for, even if today was the worst school day you've ever had!

--My kids make their own breakfasts probably 4 days a week. Once, maybe twice, a week I make them a nice, homemade breakfast (which they usually don't want to eat), but other than that it's cereal, pop tarts, toast, and frozen waffles. This used to really stress me out (and still does at times), but I was wearing myself ragged trying to come up with the perfect, healthy breakfast for my kids and I just couldn't do it. I hope to one day be a little more prepared and get things together the night before and give them stellar breakfasts, but today is not that day. For today, we're striving for all being at the breakfast table at the same time, enjoying the independence of my kids being able to make their own food, laughing at the creativity of my kids as we chat during breakfast, and reading the Bible together while we eat our Pop Tarts and waffles.

--I don't set an alarm for my kids. Unless we have to be somewhere in the morning, I don't even wake them up in the mornings, I just wait for them to wake up. My kids are grumpy if you have to wake them up and that's just not a battle I want to fight right now. I know this will need to change one day as their future employers will expect them to be at work on time and most likely before 10 a.m., but I choose to worry about that another day. Today I am enjoying a few quiet moments in the morning without having to be awake at the crack of dawn, sneaking snuggles, and even sleeping in myself some days!

--I have no lesson plan. I don't look at the school year, plan out what we're doing when, and then carry it out. I tried that. We were all miserable. I had a schedule that was color-coded and timed. And we hated it. We were slaves to it. It had to go. Admittedly, I may have swung too far to the other end and we now have no schedule at all. We have a few routines that we usually do each morning, but they aren't set in stone. We actually do three subjects during breakfast. While they are eating. And I have no idea if they are even paying attention. But, they're pretty smart, so I think we're OK! I usually sit down on Saturday or Sunday evening and copy the pages I'd like to get done for the week (thank goodness my curriculum all has some kind of lesson plans built into them.) I don't write down any assignments until they have actually been completed because, well, why write it and then have to erase it later when we didn't get it, right? It sounds purely chaotic, but for today, it's working for us. Every day is different from the one before and the kids never have any idea what is next. It's the closest thing I get to surprising them!

--To you veteran homeschoolers this will be no surprise, but some days, I don't enjoy homeschooling! Some days I would much rather send them off to school and then head off to a job outside of my house. It just sounds easier. But deep down, I know this isn't true. But sometimes I just crave time to myself, even if it's in my car for just 10 minutes so I can listen to music, sing loudly, and pretend that I sound just like Christy Nockels while I'm belting out Let It Be Jesus.  There have been weeks at a time that it takes everything in me not to just shut down completely, let them watch movies all day, and I take naps and read blogs all day. I mean, a real struggle. It's a wonder we've gotten any school done at all. But, then I remember how fun it has been to be there for some of their biggest moments: learning how to read, getting a math problem they really struggled with, creating silly art pieces, reading their Bible alone for the first time, and so much more. It's so worth it (and teachers, I hope that those moments of victory in your classrooms outweigh the moments of frustration and defeat.)

--My kids watch movies. The Magic School Bus counts as science. Mr. Peabody and Sherman counts as history. Pretty much all the PBS shows have some kind of math in them. Some days, I just have to. Some days I cannot "school" anymore. It also means that when the teacher is sick, we can still get some school hours in. Or, when the students are sick, we can still get some school hours in. Most days, I feel so guilty about this. I feel like a total bum and loser when I add up the hours I let my kids watch TV or play a game on their tabs. But on days like yesterday, I'm thankful for them. The kids pretty much taught the entire science lesson yesterday on the different ocean zones because of an episode of Wild Kratts they watched the week before. Seriously! They really are learning from their TV shows!

--Time to be honest: I've learned that the only way I get a quiet time in is by forcing my children to have a quiet time at the same time. Oh, how I pray this doesn't make them hate reading God's word. I've done my best to make it exciting and fun for them, but for 30 minutes every morning we each go to our own rooms with our own Bibles and have quiet time. Until I started doing this there was no consistency at all with my quiet times. I hope to work up to a longer time at some point, but today, I am thankful for the 30 minutes it's giving me each day in the Word by doing things this way.

--I love to read. I love books. I have two children home with me all day and can hardly find 5 free minutes for reading. Enter read alone time for 30 minutes each afternoon. Each of us go to our own room and read, whatever we want, for 30 minutes. This is genius! Why didn't I think of this before! I look so forward to this time every day. Sometimes it doesn't happen until almost dinner time, but it's still one of my favorite parts of the day!

--One of the hardest things for me, though, has nothing to do with homeschooling. I am sure many of you out there have this trouble: putting your kids in God's hands and leaving them there, trusting that He loves them more than I do and wants only the best for them. Trusting that, as much I ache for their salvation, it doesn't compare to God's desire to see them come to Him. There's nothing better that I can do for them than teach them Jesus, live Jesus in front of them, make God and His Word as real as possible to them, and trust that God will do what only God can do, change their hearts and lives.

Father, help me to be the wife, mother, and teacher You would have me to be. Help me to point my children to You at all times. Give me wisdom and grace for each day. Remind me that there's no such thing as perfection, which means that I must trust in and lean on You alone. Father, help me to see the joy, laughter, and gift of each day You give me. Help me to breathe deeply of You love, mercy, and grace that I may then breathe that out into my house as I seek to serve my family and You. Oh, Father, do great things in my house, in our school, and in our lives!