Living Arrows Christian Academy

That's the name I chose for our homeschool a few years ago. I never intended to have a name, but my record keeping software asked for one, so I decided I needed one. This will probably surprise many of you, but when it comes to naming things or being clever with names, I have zero creativity. But, as I prayed and read scripture, this is the name that came to me. Because I want to raise my children to be living arrows, shot out into the broken world to wound the enemy and bring hope and life and joy through the Gospel to the world. Oh, how I pray each of us play some small role in drawing even one soul to Christ. May our lives declare His truth, even if we never speak a word. Father, let us see how every lesson, every hard school day, is worth it because it points us to You and gives us the skills and abilities to declare Your truth to others in any way You ask.

Thank you all for praying so diligently for our school room. The Lord is answering those prayers! God is truly redeeming this room. In the past, we've done school wherever we felt like for the day. For two months after Kevin's death school was on my bed. Every.day. We've never really had a set place. Honestly, I wasn't really sure we'd be able to adjust to having a set place. I was afraid we'd have this beautiful new room and still end up on my bed or the couch or the dining room table for school. BUT GOD has done a marvelous thing; my kids can hardly do school anywhere other than our school room. I set them down somewhere else to work on school and they can't focus or remember anything. They walk into that room and head to their desk and it's almost magical the way they come alive and hit their books hard. I still pray every day for a passion for learning, reading, and sharing Christ through all they learn and each day I am seeing little glimpses of that. Which is so good and much needed because this grieving momma still has a bit of a foggy brain, very little energy, and has actually fallen asleep reading to them once or twice. I need every little bright spot I can get!

Just in case you haven't seen on Facebook, I wanted to be sure all you prayer warriors who have been lifting up our room:

Five Months

This Wednesday (Aug. 10) will mark five months since my beloved husband passed away. Five months. Almost half a year. How is that even possible? How is it possible we're all still here, still moving, still putting one foot in front of the other, without you?

So much has changed in these last five months. I've learned to ask for help. I've learned to do a lot of things I never thought I could. I've learned to pray more fervently. I've learned to sleep alone. I've learned to trust God for even the smallest thing. I've learned, that even when God is providing every thing we could possibly need, I still often initially turn to fear and worry. I've learned that God truly does redeem our stories.

Lately, I've been reading a book that dives into the book of Ruth. The story in that book has become much more meaningful since becoming a widow. It's a reminder of God's love and provision for each of us, particularly the least of these. It has been convicting to look at Ruth and see how well she loves others, even in the midst of her own deep grief. Her husband has died. She has no children. She has left her family and the only culture she has known to follow her mother-in-law to love and care for her in her old age. Who does that? How did she do that? If there's been anything I've been in the last five months, it's been selfish and inwardly focused. I can't imagine how she can be so devoted, so loving, and so hard working while she is in such deep grief. Oh, that I would have that kind of love for those the Lord has placed around me.

Here's one thing that hasn't changed:

I love this ring. I remember how angry I was the day Kevin was, unbeknownst to me, picking it out. We were all going to see Willie Aames (Bibleman) and Brady Williams (Cypher) in a Bibleman Live show and Kevin was so late I'm pretty sure he missed part of the show. I was so angry with him. He knew how important it was to me that he be there to meet these two people I was working with, but he was still late. (And if you know Kevin, you know that's just the way he lived his life. Always late. I'll never understand people like that!) Of course, the night he proposed was pretty crazy, too! (Just ask Joe Banderman, Sabrina Brookshire, or Kevin's brother, Chris.) But, I have to say, I am glad he was late that night because this ring is beautiful! I loved it the moment I saw it! (Though I would have said yes whether he had a ring or not!) I just can't bring myself to take it off, yet. I'm not ready for that very visible sign to the world that I am single. That there's no husband. No father. I'm sure some day I'll be ready for that, but not today. Also, I've gained a lot of weight since Kevin put this ring on my finger and it's pretty tight. And barely comes off. And is way too small for the ring finger on my left hand. So, for now, it'll stay right where it is!

This week brought many opportunities to be angry. Angry at the situation we know find ourselves in. Angry at the choices Kevin made. Angry at addiction for stealing my husband and my children's father. Angry that Satan is here to steal, kill, and destroy. Angry that things always have to be so hard and have so many steps. Angry that I don't turn to Christ first when I am angry and frustrated. BUT GOD is so good. So forgiving. So loving. So comforting. I needed the reminder several times this week to lean in to Him and let go of the anger, pride, fear, and selfishness. I am sure this will not be the last time I'll need that reminder!

We've survived a lot of firsts and still have seven month's worth of more firsts, but we'll make it. We'll make because the Lord sustains. Provides. Heals. Protects. Leads. Guides. Saves. Redeems. And so much more.

Oh, Father, keep me focused on You alone. Use the scary moments to draw me to You. Use the fearful moments to draw me to You. Use the frustrating moments to draw me to You. Oh, Father, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I!

A Little Update

Well, it's August. Next week will mark 5 months since my beloved Kevin passed away. In some ways the time has flown by, in others, it feels like it's been creeping. Most days it just all feels a little surreal. Life will forever be marked with a "before Kevin", "with Kevin", and "after Kevin." I hate everything about that. We were supposed to be going on a cruise in January. We were supposed to see both of our children saved, together. We were supposed to be together until we were too old to scoot around anymore. Alas, that is not the story that God has written for us. Though most days it's really hard to see, His story is always better than any we would write for ourselves. He sees the whole picture, beginning to end, and knows just what it will take to make each of us more like Him. Sometimes, that hurts. At least here on earth. In the end, we'll all agree that it's worth it. In the meantime, it's trusting Him, reading His word, and putting one foot in front of the other each day.

We've had a gloriously blessed summer. We've spent most of it on the road doing a lot of firsts. It would not have been possible without family and friends opening their homes so we didn't have to stay in hotels, covering the cost of plane tickets, allowing us to use their friend passes to amusement/water parks, Read to Succeed providing free Six Flags tickets for my kid's hard work, and so much more that I am sure I will remember after I hit publish. We have tons of pictures and lots of precious memories. Only one small trip left and then we have to really buckle down and get ready for school. (I've given up hope of starting full-time until after Labor Day, so until then I am hoping to get in some review between now and then.)

It's been awhile, so here are some ways you can be praying for us right now:

Rest. I need rest. True, deep rest. I wake up each morning tired and only get more tired throughout the day. I've been sleeping better than ever, but just can't get rid of the tiredness. I know a large part of that is just grief. That's just life right now. But, honestly, it's gotten old and life must continue. School must happen. Laundry must happen. Life must happen. It's really hard to do that when I can barely keep my eyes open.

School. I am asking the Lord to renew my passion for homeschooling. This will in turn make school more fun and exciting for all of us. I need the energy to do more projects and fun things than we did last year. I need to get organized and stick to a plan. I am also asking the Lord to give my children a love for learning. I am praying that the more we get into the school year the more they will just soak it up.

Salvation. Most of you probably know that Sophie gave her life to Christ a little over a week ago! Hallelujah! She has been excited to tell her friends, but very shy about telling anyone else. Would you pray that the Lord will give her courage and boldness to share what God has done? Pray that He would give her the right words to express what God has done (when you are young and there's no huge life change, it's hard to find the words to express how life is different. As one who came to Christ at a young age, I know this struggle first-hand.) We have already seen that her sharing a short little amount with one of her cousins is bearing fruit as he is know seeking Christ and asking about being saved. May this continue each time she shares! May her testimony lead to Ethan seeing his need to accept salvation!

Direction. I feel lost. Like I am just out there floating in the middle of the ocean with no boat, no paddle, and no idea where to go. I truly believe that God will use all this ugly, messy, chaotic grief for His glory, but I have no idea how. I have no idea what next steps He wants me to take or how I can use this to declare Him as I keep moving forward. I know it's early still, but with a new school year starting, the house sorted, and things picking back up again, it feels like the new chapter is truly starting but I have no idea where it's going. Please pray that any unbelief in God's sovereignty and guiding over my life would be gone. Pray that I could step back, let go, and let God lead in every area: school, job, service, everything.

Kevin's Estate. We've run into a little hiccup with Kevin's estate, which means I cannot do some things for a customer that need to be done. They are being very gracious and my lawyer is awesome and will help me get it figured out, but in the meantime, it's really frustrating. And causing me to be scared about the future and wonder whether it will all be resolved as it should be in October. I don't want to fear. I want to bravely trust the God who has proven Himself faithful and true over and over again in the last five months. I have no reason to believe that He will stop providing now. Pray that I will trust, even in the unknown.

Next Tasks. This week I have two things I really need to get done and nothing in me is looking forward to doing them. First, I need to go to the DMV and get a new title without Kevin's name. Everytime I have to turn in a copy of his death certificate is just hard, in so many ways. It's heartbreaking, shameful, and just hard. And it's the DMV. So add those together and it's just no fun! I also need to get prices for his grave marker this week. I know exactly what I want it to say, I just have to actually go and do it. This will make things seem so final. So over. So finished. But it must happen. (Though Kevin would probably have preferred his plot remain anonymous!) Pray that the Lord will grant me strength and, selfishly, no ugly crying in the midst of it. I just want to walk in and do it and get those things checked off the list.

Quiet Time. Quiet times this summer have been very sporadic because we haven't been at home. I am never in routine when I am home. Please pray that I will be able rise at least 30 minutes before the children to have a deeper prayer time. Pray over the quiet time the children and I have, at the same time, but separately. Pray that the Lord will give all three of us a hunger and love for His word. Pray that God will show me how to aid the children in having a meaningful and memorable quiet time.

Bedtime. Another casualty of summer traveling has been our bedtime routine. We had such a sweet time those first few months. Then we hit the road and it all fell apart. Please join me in praying that the Lord will restore that routine. Pray that the Lord will give me an energy and love for the bedtime routine that just doesn't come naturally to me. This is one of the things both kids miss most about Kevin, that time with just him at the end of the day.

Thank you all so much for your love and support through these last 5 months. Words can never express. (And if you haven't gotten a thank you card, I greatly apologize. I have a pile that has literally been sitting on my table for 5 months that I keep forgetting to take to church to hand out. It doesn't mean I am not grateful, just that I'm forgetful.)

Three Months

June 10, 2016 marks three months since my precious Kevin took his last breath here on earth. (Though I'll be honest, it's possible it was sooner. I found him about 4:30 a.m. and I am confident he was already gone when I found him.) Three months.

It seems so long ago and and yet just like yesterday at the same time. I honestly didn't think I would last a day without him as I stood by his side in that hospital room and held his hand for the last time. It felt like I'd never be able to take another breath, let alone another step. There are still times I just sit in bed and cry. Cry because I miss him. Cry because life seems somehow less without him. Cry because life is harder without him. Cry because of the loss my children have suffered. Cry because of all my children will have to do without a daddy. Cry because I am angry. Cry because I am sad. Cry because I don't know what else to do. Cry because other people get to grow old with the love of their lives and it's just not fair that I don't. Cry because I feel awkward around other couples because I have no other half. Cry because there will be no daddy there to give my little girl away on her wedding day. Cry because there's no one here to daily teach Ethan how to be a man and father who loves and honors God. Cry because I want to dig deeply into the Word and I just can't focus long enough to do that. Cry because I miss the deep prayer life I had before he passed away. Cry because I fear my kids will never be saved. Cry because figuring out this single parent thing is just hard. Cry because I don't feel well but he's not here to comfort me or take care of the kids. Cry because the kids have had more screen time in the last three months than in the entire last year. Cry because I feel like I am so desperately failing my kids. Cry because the closet is empty. Cry because we don't need an office anymore. Cry because there are too many cables and cords in this house. Cry because I am still afraid of Heaven. Cry because my marriage to Kevin is over. Cry because, sometimes, crying just feels good.

When I look at pictures of Kevin, especially before addiction grabbed hold of him, everything feels so surreal. It feels like he's just gone on a business trip and he'll be back in a day or two. I miss the smile he had in those pictures. The JOY in his eyes in those pictures. It's been so long since I've seen that smile or that JOY in him. Addiction stole all of that. And that makes me so angry.

BUT GOD has promised that He will never leave or forsake me. BUT GOD has promised that He is Jehovah Jireh, the God who sees and provides. BUT GOD has promised that in Him, I can do all things. BUT GOD has promised that He loves my children more than my mind can fathom. He desires relationship with them even more than I desire that for them. BUT GOD promises that He is always faithful and true. I can trust Him in all things. BUT GOD has promised that no grave can hold what His grace has justified (lyrics from Lauren Daigle's The Power to Redeem.) This means that Kevin is healed, whole, JOYful, and sitting at the feet of His Savior offering the sweetest worship he's ever offered. No pain, No sadness. No fear. No guilt. No addiction. It means that Kevin's life didn't really start until he took his last breath here and opened his eyes in Heaven. BUT GOD will carry us through every hard day, every hard moment, and will catch every tear. He sees each hurt, angry moment, lonely moment, sad moment, and meets me where I am. Testimonies take time. Prayer works. God saves with His mighty right hand. He is hosanna. There is always a reason for eucharisteo.

Father, draw me to You every time I feel overwhelmed with fear, sadness, or doubt. Draw me to Your word every time I fear for the salvation of my children. Lord, fill me mind with the scriptures I've committed to memory just when I need them. Adopt my children. Give them a new heart and make them new creations. Fill them with Your Holy Spirit and enable them to pour their lives out loving You and loving others.

A Gift of Grace in the Form of a Late Night Revelation

I should be going to sleep right now. I don't feel well and I don't have time to be sick. But God just hit me with such a much needed revelation that I had to share.

Last night my son was not feeling well. He spent the entire time at VBS laying on the couch in the coffee house. When we got home he didn't even change clothes, he just laid down, wanting to sleep. This is extremely rare for Ethan so I knew he wasn't faking it. So, I wrapped him up in my arms (after a dose of children's Tylenol for the slight fever) and began to pray for him. I started to pray that God would heal him. Then I just stopped. Can I be honest here? Like ugly, mom fail, Christian fail honest here? I couldn't do it. I could not pray and ask God to heal Ethan because I asked God to heal Kevin and that healing took him from this earth. Ethan isn't ready to leave this earth. I couldn't speak the words. I couldn't think of anything to pray so I just sat there a moment. I don't even know how I finished the prayer, but I rushed from the room as fast as I could so I could sit in my room and cry in shame. Here I am, trying to teach my kids that God is faithful, trustworthy, our healer, protector, and provider; that He is sovereign and His plans are always good, but I couldn't trust him with this request. I couldn't ask for healing because I know, firsthand, that sometimes that healing comes in ways that leave others in pain and grief.

I almost admitted this to some sweet ladies at lunch today, but pride and shame kept me from saying anything. I didn't want them to know about my lack of faith and trust in God's plan, whatever it may be. I didn't want them to know I had a weak moment and was still shaken by it and unable to ask for healing.

Then I came home from church feeling like crap. There's really no other word to use. Achy, sore, headache, and a sore throat. Again, I just couldn't ask for healing. I know that I am ready to face Christ, but I'm not ready to leave my children (I also need to work on training myself to think with an eternal perspective, not an earthly one. So much work to do!) I was replaying last night in my mind when the thought came to me, just as the tears were pouring down, "You do know that, because Ethan isn't saved and if he died he would be in hell, that death for him isn't healing, right? Because of his spiritual state God would not be granting healing if He took Ethan from this earth right now. So pray for healing. Trust Him. He loves Ethan. He desires salvation for Ethan. He desires healing for Ethan. Hell is never healing." I cannot tell you the peace that flooded me when that thought came. I can pray for healing for my kids. I can trust that, even if God takes me from this earth while my children are young, He still loves them, still desires salvation for them, and will still pursue them fiercely. (Though I am still terrified at the thought of my kids spending eternity in hell and I pray fervently every day for their salvation.)

Father, teach me to trust my children to You. Teach me to trust every aspect of their lives to You. Teach me to trust their salvation to You. Teach me to trust their healing to You. Teach me to trust their eternity to You. Teach me to live faith and trust and hope and grace and mercy and love in front of them every day so they see You in all I do.

A Hard Week and Hard Milestones

This last week has been hard, to say the least and put it mildly. BUT GOD has been working at all times. My brain is still a bit like mush (a combination of grief and VBS!) Here are a few things that have happened, been going on, and/or God has been up to in my crazy life since last I wrote:

A dear friend lost her sister. This was rough. It's the first loss I've been close to since Kevin passed away. A million familiar feelings and thoughts whizzed through my mind. Some moments it was hard to keep my tears for my own situation at bay. BUT GOD truly blessed me with the opportunity to be a #tablesitter for a woman who was a #tablesitter for me at the most inconvenient time for her and her family. For at least four days she sat at my table and comforted me, made me laugh, let me cry, let me stare into space, and wrote thank you cards for me. She even let us hold and love on her beautiful infant daughter, which brought much joy and healing. She did all this, leaving us only to go home to sleep before coming back again the next day, when she really needed to be packing to move her family to a new continent to begin their work as missionaries. There were hard moments around her table, BUT GOD made those healing moments as He allowed me to stop thinking of and doing things only for myself, but allowed me to stand in the gap for and with others. I didn't really have any words and just sat there most of the time without saying anything, but it was a JOY and healing to write thank you notes, just as she did for me. Don't get me wrong, I am praying for #nomoretables, but it was peace and JOY and love and healing sitting there. I even met some new people who have been just where I've been and could give me some wise words in my healing process because they have walked this road before me.

We pulled our first tooth without Kevin. This seems like a silly milestone to write about. It feels a little silly to write it. But this was a big deal, for both me and Ethan. I am so proud of the way he just marched right into the bathroom, grabbed the dental floss, and worked at that tooth just like Kevin would have. He was so brave. And I know that was really painful. Mainly because the tooth didn't come out until two days later! The big smile on his face when that tooth came out was priceless. And God used that tiny, silly little moment to show me that we can do this. We can do this because God is with us and for us, in the big and little.  

We made our first trip to the city pool without the possibility of Kevin showing up to surprise us. We've spent A LOT of time at the city pool the last 7 summers. Kevin didn't always get to go with us, but he sure loved to surprise us every now and then by just taking the afternoon off and just showing up to play. The kids loved it when he did that! It would make their day every time. I loved watching their faces light up and how hard they had to work not to run right out of the fence to hug him as soon as they saw him. I will miss that. It was always one of the best parts of the summer. BUT GOD will give us fun, new moments each time we visit. Of this I am sure. It will be hard, at times, to press on to make those new memories, but I will lean on Christ and we will forge ahead and make new memories every day.  

Sophie invited a stranger to VBS for the first time ever. Sophie spent some time playing with a little girl we didn't know at the pool today and she invited her to VBS at our church. I am so proud of her! She is a lot like her mother and this sort of thing is WAAAAAAY beyond her comfort zone. She's never done anything like this before, which made me even more proud of her. She was a little bummed that she felt the girl was a little annoyed that she asked her to go, BUT GOD let that be a teaching moment for her. I was able to tell her that all she could do was be obedient to tell her about VBS, but it was up to the girl what she did with that. It's just like saying yes to accepting God's free gift of salvation; I have to be obedient to teach my two precious kiddos all I can about God and His word, but it's up to them to decide whether or not they will submit to God and be saved. It was a lesson we both needed.

I am planning and packing for our first family vacation as a family of three. I was not prepared for the emotions that would accompany this. I cannot even wrap my brain around it. Kevin always booked hotels and got us amazing deals on various things. Even thinking about doing that gives me a headache. I do not have the patience it takes to sit and look through listings and call and talk to people, etc. I am praying God will lead and guide as I look and that He will remove the stress so we can all just enjoy the time away, visiting a new place, and just being together in a different environment.

I got a tattoo. Kevin and I had been talking about getting tattoos. As soon as he decided what he wanted, we were going to go together to get them. So, I went with some friends and got what I had decided almost a year ago I wanted. Two little words on my right wrist. "Hosanna" because it used to be a desperate plea for God to send salvation (like you would cry in hopes that the lifeguard would come if you were drowning), but has come to be a a victorious shout because salvation has come (like you would shout as you see and know the lifeguard is on the way). I often need the reminder that salvation has come. He is here. He is with us. I don't have to wait or beg or hope He'll show up. He.is.here. It's on my right wrist because many times in the Bible God talks about saving with His mighty right arm. The other word is "eucharisteo". This word is used in scripture in the account of the Last Supper. As Jesus takes the bread and the cup he gives thanks. Eucharisteo. Thanks. In the midst of the hard. One of the hardest moments of His life. He was breaking bread as a symbol of His body being broken for our salvation, yet He still gave thanks. I often need the reminder to give thanks, regardless of the situation or circumstance. I need the reminder that there's always, always, always a reason to be thankful. That's also why it's written on my wall.  

Father, there are a lot more firsts coming up in the next year. Some will be harder than others. Some will carry happier memories than others. We need You to help us through each one of them. Show us the grace in each moment. Show us Your hand in every hurt and hard circumstance. Lord, use each one of these firsts to reveal more of Yourself to my children, drawing them to salvation. Take this hurt, this hard, this grief and use every moment of it for Your glory. In my life. In Sophie's life. In Ethan's life. Teach us to trust You. To rest in You. Make each of us more like You everyday.

Deception and Stolen Joy

This week has been long. And extremely hard.

I got Kevin's death certificates this week and everything suddenly felt so much more final. A sweet friend was in the hospital with her husband in the midst of a scary, scary situation. The to-do list before we head off for time with friends and Kevin's family seems to get bigger and bigger while the time to do it gets shorter and shorter. I filmed a testimony to share with my church family and the Lord had me live every.hard.word of it the day I filmed it. A hard anniversary for precious friends loomed closer and closer. Nothing this week was simple, easy, or just pure fun.

And Satan took full advantage of it this week. I struggled this week in a way that caught me off guard and left me speechless and somewhat numb most of the week. There's a truth that I've known for some time, but it never really seemed to affect me, so I tucked it away in the back of my mind and forgot about it. It felt like something that would never affect me so I didn't really need it, right?

That truth? We won't be married to our earthly spouses in heaven. What we have here on earth, that's it. There's a reason our vows say, "Til death do us part." I admit, I am no expert on heaven. In fact, I still feel a little afraid of that moment when my eyes open and there I am, in Christ's presence, eternally (not afraid of how I'll get there, just afraid of being there. There's so much I don't know or understand. So much I can't control that it's a bit scary to me.) But I know that we will not be married or given in marriage. Until this week, that truth had no affect on me. But this week, it hit me hard. And Satan used it to deceive me and steal my joy.

I was overwhelmed that, though I will recognize Kevin when I see him in heaven, there won't be the joyous reunion of husband and wife. There won't be walks along the crystal sea, hand in hand, enjoying the beauty around us, like we we would have here on earth. There won't be  a moment of seeing my groom, him seeing his bride, and beaming with joy that we are together again, husband and wife. Satan then planted the thought in my head, "Then how will there be joy there? What will there be to rejoice in if not in being reunited with my husband?" That thought removed any joy or excitement, little though it may have been, from the idea of heaven. Satan had me deceived and was robbing me of joy and hope in this magnificent place the Lord is preparing for us.

I am so thankful the Lord did not leave me in that place for long. Yes, He let me wrestle and cry it out for a bit, but, as He always does, He came in and whispered much needed truth to my soul. True, Kevin and I will not be husband and wife in heaven, because God has something better. The marriage of Christ with His church (that's us!) Our marriage here on earth was but a faint picture of the marriage we will experience with Him. There will be no lows, no sad moments, no fights, no arguments, only love, joy, peace. All the good things. Kevin and I will share that. We will share that with our kids (I hope with all my heart the Lord will bring salvation to them!) That will be deeper and more joyful than any marriage here on earth, even the precious one I shared with my beloved these last 13 years.

Even more than that, I was reminded that the joy of heaven isn't in being reunited with loved ones. It isn't in seeing our Bible heroes up close. It isn't in the beauty we will see or the magnificence of walking on streets of gold. It's in being with our Savior, as we were always meant to be. It's in seeing Christ and spending an eternity worshiping Him, as we were always meant to be. It's in no more pain, tears, sorrow, grief, or sin. For all eternity. Admittedly, while that brings much joy, it also bring a little fear because I just can't fathom a life that beautiful. That joyful. That peaceful. That perfect.

Satan convinced me to think of heaven in earthly terms. In the earthly things that won't be in heaven. But, sweet friends, when we think of heaven in earthly terms our thinking is marred, short-sighted, and just plain missing the mark. Our earthly minds can never fathom heaven in its fullest because we've never known life on this planet without pain and grief and tears and sin. It's so easy to think of all we'll miss on earth while in heaven (graduations, weddings, smiles, movie nights, all the big milestones), but heaven offers so much more than anything this earth and this earthly life offers.

Oh, Father, give me right thinking about heaven. Give me joy and passion and excitement for heaven, not because I'll see Kevin again, but because I will be with You. Remind me heaven is not about me. It's not about Kevin. It's not about anyone else that has gone before, but it's about You. I don't think I'll ever fully grasp it here on earth, but I know You can instill in me a loving desire and joy as I look ahead to entering those gates and worshiping You for all eternity. Fill my children with a longing for heaven, not because they want to see Daddy again, but because they love You and want to spend eternity with You. Let today be the day of salvation for my children. Set eternity in all our hearts, with much joyful anticipation. Teach us how to live here in such a way that points others to You and displays a joyful excitement for the life to come.

A Note to the Precious Lives That Made Me a Mother

To my Gift Girl and Blessing Boy,

There is so much I want to say and so much I want you to know. I've tried to start this letter more times than I can count, but I get overwhelmed by not knowing where to start and give up. Every.time. Not this time. There are some things I need to pass on to you and be sure that you know.

First, God loves you more than you can ever imagine. He desires a deep, personal relationship with you and sent His Son to die on the cross to make it possible. Each day you wake up He is offering His free gift of salvation to you. Oh, how I pray you'll accept this gift and spend your lives living courageously for Him, allowing the Holy Spirit to lead and guide you.

Daddy loved you with his whole heart. You were his pride and joy. You made him smile, laugh, and have a reason to get up each morning. More than anything, he prayed that you would accept God's free gift of salvation and live your lives for His glory. I will continue to pray this same thing, even in his absence. It is my heart's greatest desire for you. I promise to do the best I can to follow Christ and obey His call on my life, even in the hard. Even when I am tired. Even when other things look easier and more fun. I will do my best to live in such a way that God's presence is clear to you in every moment.

Other than my pleas for your salvation, this may be the most important thing I pray for you: love the Lord with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength. This will impact and change everything you do in this life. It won't always make things easy or perfect, but it will always mold you a little more into a woman and man who is more like Jesus every day, in every way. It will give you the strength and bravery to face anything that comes your way.

Remember who created you. You were knit together by the very hand of God. He knew your name before you were even a thought to anyone here on earth. He saw each one of your days before they were even lived. You are loved and personally designed by the God who spoke all things into existence.

Remember that everyone you meet, regardless of skin color or economic class or social status was knit together by the very hand of God. He loves each of them as much as He loves you. He desires a deep, personal relationship with each of them as much as He desires the same with you. He sent His Son to die in their place, too. Oh, precious children, love people. Love.People. Love them because of your love for God and your desire to love what He loves. Love them so they can see the God is real. That's all the reason you need. Every life is valuable because they were made by God and He loves them fiercely. Loving people is hard and messy and scary. BUT GOD commands it, blesses it, and gives you all the strength and patience you need to love others as He loves them.

If you can do those last three things, the life you create will be God-honoring, point many to Christ, and be the most amazing, crazy, hard, spectacular, ugly beautiful adventure you will ever know. If you do those things then your job won't be a job, but just one more way to love God and love people. It will enable you to be God's hands and feet here on Earth, which is what God asks His children to be. Oh, how I pray that salvation comes to your souls while you are young so you have many years to know Him, love Him, and serve Him. How I pray that my failures and shortcomings serve to show you even more of God's grace, mercy, and love.

Father, let my life, in every area, declare You to my children. Let them see You in my every action and word. Give me the bravery and strength and love to pour myself out for you in my home, in my church, and wherever You place me on any given day. Be the father they no longer have here on earth. Draw them close. Whisper Your love to them every day. Declare Your goodness in each moment. Use our little family, broken and human as it is, to declare You to a lost and dying world.

A Snapshot of Our Journey and the Power of Prayer

March 2014
It was during this month that Kevin finally admitted that the struggles he was having were due to an addiction to a strong pain medication he was taking. We searched and found what was supposed to be the best rehab facility in the state. We drove to St. Louis once a week for a little over a month. It was one of the worst times in our lives and this place was honestly a joke. They had never even heard of the medication Kevin was addicted to and literally googled it while we were sitting there to see what it was. They were no help at all and actually made things worse for Kevin. It left me praying harder for healing and left Kevin feeling hopeless and stuck. If this place, the best in the state, couldn't help him, no one could.

April 2015
It was April 2 when Kevin called and told me he had been taken to the ER because of an overdose of this same medication we had sought treatment for a year before in St. Louis. That was the longest drive from the church to the hospital. I have never seen my husband so hopeless, so humiliated, or so angry that others knew of his pain and weakness. After much fighting and cajoling, we checked him in to another facility near St. Louis where he spent 5 days. 5 agonizing, horrible, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest type days. He missed Easter and both of our children's birthdays. They got him through the worst of the withdrawal, but did nothing to aid him in dealing with cravings or everyday life without this drug. His time there ended with him again hopeless and me not knowing what in the world our next step was.

Addiction does terrible things to great people. It twists their mind and makes it impossible for them to feel joy, hope, or see a way out. Your brain is literally telling you that if you don't have the drug it wants that you will die. So, your choice is to get the drug or die. The choice is never your family or the drug. It's always life or death. At least that is what your brain is telling you. Your whole life has been kidnapped and held hostage on the premise that this drug is the only means of your survival. I admit, I couldn't see that at the time. It always felt like he was choosing that drug over us when he knew better. The truth is, he was choosing us. He was choosing life the only way his body was telling him he could. When Kevin got his prescription for this medicine refilled on April 22, he didn't tell me. On April 23 he woke up and starting abusing it again. I asked him several times if he had refilled his medication and he told me no every time. Hear me, he was not a liar. He was not a man who sought the dark and loved lying to his wife. His body just had him convinced that the only way to live and share another day with the wife and children he loved was to get this medicine into his system, and his brain knew that if I knew he had the medicine I would take it so he couldn't have it, which to his mind, meant certain death. But, I knew he wasn't telling the truth. Once I finally had confirmation that he was lying, I had a choice to make. Stand by and let him continue down this path or draw a line in the sand and do my best to force him to get help. As any recovering addict will tell you, they never get help until they are as low as they can possibly go, which typically means losing their job and their family. After a lot of talking with someone who had been where Kevin was, I did the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life: I packed up the kids and left. I had no idea what would happen, but I knew he wouldn't get help unless he was desperate. I knew that not having us in his life would bring him to that point. For two weeks I had absolutely no contact with my husband; no texts, no phone calls, nothing (not even Facebook, and you know how hard that was for me!) I cried everyday and I my heart felt ripped in two. His birthday was during those two weeks and we didn't call or text, even then. (Which is hard now because that means we didn't get one last birthday with him here on earth.)

I had no idea that back here in Hannibal my not having contact with him on his birthday was the last straw for him. He just felt so hopeless. He didn't know where to turn. I told him the kids and I would have no contact with him until he checked into a rehab facility, but in his mind, he'd already been to the best there was and it had been no help. Where was he to turn? Unbeknownst to me, he decided on his birthday, April 28, 2015, that he would end his life. He had a doctor's appointment on May 5 where he would get a new prescription of his pain medication. He decided that he would spend that day with his dad and brother (who were in town), then right before bed that night he would take his entire prescription and just not wake up the next morning. His mind was telling him that would be best for everyone. It would allow us to come home, he would no longer be in pain, and none of us would have to fight this seemingly impossible fight of addiction any longer.

May 5, 2015
The morning of May 5 I awoke at my parent's house with an urgency to pray like I have never felt, before or since. (Remember, I hadn't had contact with Kevin in almost two weeks and had no idea that this was the day he had chosen to take his life.) I couldn't wake myself up fast enough to start praying. After months of literally only being able to pray, "Help! Help! Help!", here was my prayer that day, "Father, thank You for my husband. Thank You for all he's done for me, my family, and our children. I thank You that he's still buried in there somewhere. Father, bring him back. Break the chains of addiction, depression, and anxiety in his mind, body, and heart. He;s Your child and You love him more than I ever can. Show him Your love today. Melt his heart. Fight for him. He cannot fight for himself today, so fight for him. Remind me that this battle is not against flesh and blood, so flesh and blood can't fight or win it, but You can. Lord, I declare, in Your powerful and holy name, that Satan has no dominion over Kevin or our home...By the power of Jesus' blood I decare our home to be God;s and there is no place for Satan there, because it is anointed with the power and protection of Christ's blood...The only weapons Satan has are lies and deceit and in Jesus' holy and powerful name, Satan's mouth is shut and his lies and deceit will stop in Kevin's life, my life, and the lives of my children." No grand words. Nothing long and drawn out. Just the honest, desperate plea of a wife begging God for the life of her husband.

Not long after I penned this prayer, Kevin headed to his appointment. Unknown to Kevin, his doctor had been filled in on what was happening with Kevin by another doctor, so his doctor refused to refill Kevin's prescription and his plan to end his life was ruined. The next day, desperate and at the end of his rope, Kevin agreed to head to Booneville, MO for in-patient rehabilitation treatment. That was such a gift of grace from God's hand. They helped both of us to better understand the disease of addiction and how to better help each other through the many hard days ahead.

Kevin had a one-time relapse in September of 2015 and then, of course, in March of this year, when he passed away.  These last two years have been the hardest of our lives, but I am here to say, cling to Christ. Don't stop praying! When God lays someone or something on your heart to pray, do it! He clearly answered my prayer May 5, 2015 and spared my husband's life. When Kevin read that and connected the dates, that gave him the hope and courage to keep pressing forward, even in the hard days. It was the reminder he needed that God saw him, God knew him, and God loved him.

Every day from May 15, 2015 to March 9, 2016 I prayed for God to bring complete and total healing to my husband. I have no idea why He answered the first prayer by prolonging Kevin's life here on earth and answered the second prayer by beginning his eternal life in Heaven, but make no mistake, God brought complete and total healing to Kevin March 10, 2016 when he welcomed him to his true home.

Wives, pray for your husbands. Moms, pray for your children. Don't stop. Don't give up. Beg. Plead. Cry out! He hears your desperate cries for help and mercy. I can't promise that you will see answers right away and I can't promise you that God's perfect answer will be the one you are hoping for as you pray. But, I can promise you that God loves your loved one(s) more than you could ever imagine. He desires relationship with them and calls to them. Remember, no matter what things look like on this side, Satan DOES NOT WIN! We already know the outcome of the battle. God wins. Satan loses. It is so hard for me to not say that Kevin lost his fight with addiction. In earthly terms, that's true. But, in spiritual terms, that couldn't be farther from the truth. That may be what took him from earth, but God won. Kevin is spending eternity with the Savior who died on the cross for him while he was still a sinner. Satan used addiction to get the best of Kevin and he thinks he won. He lost. He lost in a big way. Kevin is sitting at Christ's feet joining in the song of the Redeemed, whole, healthy, and more joyful than he ever was here on earth. That's victory, friends. That's answer to prayer. That's complete and total healing.

The Waves and Wind Still Know His Name...

When I first heard Bethel's "It Is Well" I was immediately drawn to it. Not because of any particular circumstance in my life or because of the beauty of the music. It was the line, "...the waves and wind still know His name."

My mind was immediately taken back to 2009 when we were preparing for the birth of our second child. We had found out we were having a boy and were trying to decide on a name. Neither Kevin or I were good decision makers and your child's name is a BIG decision! We went back and forth and didn't really find anything we liked. I really wanted something with a good meaning or family history to it. Sophie's name means wisdom (which I wanted because it's something I felt like I don't have and I wanted to be able to pray that she would grow into her name.) I decided I wanted to find a boy's name that also meant wisdom. Y'all. Not possible. There is not a male name that means wisdom. At least not one that I was willing to name my child. So I kept looking.

Then I learned that there was one man, second only to King Solomon, in the Bible who was considered wise. Ethan the Ezrahite. I thought, "I could do Ethan. It doesn't mean wisdom, but it at least has a connection to wisdom. I like that name." Then I found out that Ethan the Ezrahite wrote Psalm 89. What a beautiful Psalm. It is honest and heartfelt. Ethan spells out the many ways God has blessed, loved, and protected His people Israel. He begs God to remember the covenant He made with David, to protect His lineage, as times for God's people were hard. Psalm 89:9 jumped right out at me and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. It says, "You rule the raging of the sea; when it's waves rise, You still them."

Can I get an AMEN!?!?! That verse. If I can remember that verse, I can cling to God through anything. The waves and wind of any storm still know His name. His voice still calms the storm. That is why I can say, "It is well." That is why I can lay my life, my children's lives, at His feet and let go of my white knuckle grip on this temporary life here on earth. No storm comes that He didn't see, prepare, or that He can't calm. Amen!

As soon as the reality hit that I was indeed going to have to plan a funeral for my beloved, I didn't even hesitate when it came to choosing that song for the occasion. This is the biggest, scariest, hardest storm I've ever been in. But His Truth still stands: He rules the raging of the sea; when it's waves rise, He stills them. So, each morning I choose to let go, hand this weary life over to the one whose voice commands every wind and every wave, and walk ahead being able to truly say, "It is well, it is well, with my soul."

We'll be singing this in church soon. The best church family I have ever known will be standing beside me, holding my hand, and raising their voices with me to declare the truth that God is sovereign, He's in control, and he allows us to know that all is well when life looks anything but. Amen! Thank You, Father! You are perfect in all Your ways to me. "You rule the raging of sea; when it's waves rise, You still them."

#choosingjoybyblessing

That was the theme for our day yesteday, April 28, 2016. If he hadn't passed away in March, that would have been my husband's 34th birthday. I knew it would be a hard day. I knew there would be sadness. And tears. And not wanting to move.

I had a choice: wallow in my sadness (and take my children with me), or choose JOY in the hard and teach my children that, even in the hard, God is good. Obedience brings blessing. Loving God and loving others really do matter.

I wanted to choose the first one. I wanted a day of nothing but laying in bed, watching movies, and crying. But, honestly, that did no one any good, least of all my children. That choice did nothing to honor the man I with whom spent 15 years loving, serving, and building a family. I knew that I had to choose to see the JOY in the hard. There was only one way to do that: lean in to God, the source of any strength I may have (and believe me, there isn't much!) To honor Kevin's memory on his birthday I wanted to do two things--serve others in a way that Kevin loved to serve others and share God with those we chose to serve.

One of the things Kevin loved to do most was to give people gifts that they could truly use but weren't expecting. I am not quite sure how it happened, but I decided that I wanted to give Sonic gift cards to HLGU students. We met and fell in love at HLG and it's almost finals time. It was perfect! My sweet friend Larinee helped me to refine the idea and wrote a poem I could give with each gift card. On top of that, when cleaning out some of Kevin's things, I found an old Christmas card that still had money in it that was a little more than the amount I had planned to spend, allowing me to add two more gift cards. Isn't God good?

Yesterday was probably the best day we've had in 6 weeks. Yes, there were some tears. Yes, we missed Kevin a little more than the day before. But, it was oh, so sweet, to take my kids to several places just for the purpose of spoiling other people. We had a very good conversation about sacrificing in order to share Christ with others and the truth that obedience brings blessings, even when that blessing doesn't come right away or in the form we thought it would take. We talk about how much daddy loved giving gifts to people and how good he was at getting just the perfect thing for people. We had some laughs as we talked about funny stories or silly things daddy did or said. It was just a wonderful day.

I needed that day. If feel so self-absorbed right now. My brain is stuck in grief mode and I've had a really hard time thinking beyond my four walls. Sometimes I can't even think within these walls. Sometimes I can't even think at all. I hate this feeling. I hate that someone else had to clean my house, wash my laundry, plan my daughter's birthday party, head up things that I was supposed to do, and much more. I hate that I don't feel up to standing in the gap when others need help. I hate that I haven't had the words to write notes of love and encouragement to all those amazing ladies who have loved me through these hard days in every way they can. I want to live a life that points others to Christ and pours itself out being His hands and feet. It felt really good to do that yesterday.

Here's just a little glimpse into our day of #choosingjoybyblessing yesterday:

 Heading out for the day.

 Breakfast at Java Jive, one of Kevin's favorite places.

 One of the two extra gift cards we were able to purchase.

 We left those two on random cars in downtown Hannibal.

 We walked a few blocks because Kevin loved walking around downtown Hannibal.

 The kids insisted we take pics here. It's the bench where we had most of our family pictures taken.

 The note and gift cards we left for students at HLGU.

 All the numbers meant something to us. I love that the way Sophie posed for each of these pictures was so her!

 Note how differently he was posed! So him!

 I even went for a run, something Kevin also enjoyed. He always tried to get me to run with him, but I didn't get into running until he couldn't run anymore.

 Birthday gelato at another favorite place of Kevin's: Stam's.

Our version of birthday cake.

We picked out shoes to send to Bethesda, the orphanage where our friends will be living and working, starting Monday!

I think one of the most exciting parts of the day was hearing from the teacher of a student whose meal we paid for in the McDonald's drive-through. We were so sad when we got there and there was no one behind us. We stopped, prayed for God to send someone, then pulled up to order. Just as we started to order, a car pulled up behind us. This teacher said her student brought in the card we gave them, ready it to her, and, though he doesn't pray, said that he would start praying by praying by us. It also opened the door for her to share our story with her class. It was a beautiful example to my kiddos that, truly, obedience brings blessing. When we choose to use what God has given us (time, money, talents, etc) He will bless us and bless others.

Father, give me Your eyes and Your heart so that I can be Your hands and feet. Steal my children's hearts! Let today be the day of Sophie's salvation! Let today be the day of Ethan's salvation. Adopt them! Make them new creations in You who have a passion for You and sharing You lovingly with all they meet. Mold us. Shape us. Use us!

It's My Birthday!!!!!

I'm 30 today!!!! Spiritually speaking, that is. Thirty years ago today I gave my life to Christ. We've had some rough moments through the years. I've been stubborn and willful and didn't always want to listen. There were a lot of times I thought I was in control and didn't need Him. There were a lot of desperate times when I was on my face crying out to Him with nowhere else to go, knowing that no one else could help. His word has corrected me, lead me, comforted me, and at times, been all that sustained me. My times of prayer have been sweet and hard and everything in between. Very few things have turned out the way that I would have wanted or planned, but He's been with me each step of the way. It's a decision I don't regret at all.

The whole process started for me when my two best friends were killed in a house fire. I was crushed. Life ground to a halt for awhile. Everything was turned upside down in the time it took for my dad to say one sentence. I imagine that's how my children felt when my daddy delivered the news that their daddy was gone. Oh, how I pray that this hard time in their life produces the result that hard time produced for me: Salvation. Nothing comes our way, good or bad, that doesn't first go through God's hand. No hard time comes that God can't redeem, even the death of His saints. Oh, Father, let this be the final piece in their little lives that brings them to You. Let today be the day of salvation for Sophie! Let today be the day of salvation for Ethan! Call them. Adopt them. Steal their hearts. Teach them to love you with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength. Use every history, math, science, reading, handwriting, and grammar lesson to draw them to You and prepare them to share You with all they meet. Give them hearts that hunger and thirst for righteousness. Teach them to love their neighbor as themselves. Teach me to let go of them and release them to You. You love them more than I ever could. You desire them to run to You, follow You, and for them to pour out their lives loving You and loving others. Teach me to lead by example in all of those areas that they may be drawn to You.

Lord, thank You for the beautiful gift of Your salvation (for me, for Kevin, and for my children.) Thank You for dying in my place. Thank you for arresting death and reclaiming true life. Thank You for 30 years of ups and downs, joys and tears, ease and hard, beautiful and ugly. I look forward to 30 more here (unless You have a better plan) and an eternity with You (which I can't even fathom.)

Grief Brain

Yeah. I have that. Of course, I think the flow went something more like pregnancy brain to mom brain to grief brain. All are similar. All are annoying. I can't even tell you the number of times I have left my phone somewhere in the last month. And my keys. And my kids. OK, I haven't left my kids anywhere. Yet. But with my brain in this state, I wouldn't rule it out. Focusing on anything for more than 15 minutes or so is virtually impossible. It makes it really hard to have any kind of in-depth Bible study or deep prayer time. The smallest things send me into tears or a panic. I cried about carrying out trash the other night. Trash. Making even the smallest decision is extremely tiring and raises my blood pressure. Do you know how many decisions you have to make when you are a recently widowed single parent. My brain cannot handle it. I do not have the emotional bandwidth that comes with making decisions right now.

If I am being honest, there are times when I don't have the bandwidth for my children. I feel like such a bad mom. A failure. They talk to me and I don't hear a thing they say. Some days it takes everything in me to even want to be in the same room with them. Did I mention that I homeschool? And they are here all the time? Because I decided five years ago that this would be a good idea? Some days I just want to scream, "What was I thinking?!?!?!!?" I actually gave up on finishing any school other than history, science, Bible and math this year. (OK, Ethan didn't actually finish math, but he was really close. I at least intend for him to get the lessons finished randomly throughout the summer. Yeah, based on what I've written so far, the odds of that happening are slim to none. And slim is on a train on the way out of town. But it's the thought that counts, right? We should all be worried about my children's education.) Bedtime, while some days I love the coziness and routine of it, most of the time I just want to push them off to bed and walk away. Go hide in my room with the noise of the TV. I hate this. I so desperately pray that they don't feel that irritation, sense me pushing them away, or ever feel unwanted. I love them so much. I don't know where I would be without them right now. Most days they are the only reason I get out of bed or get dressed. Oh, Father, please let me move past this stage of grief quickly, for the sake of my children. Let summer be a sweet time of fun, relaxation, and bonding closer than I could ever imagine. Wrap them in Your love. Call their names. Draw them to You. Reach down with Your mighty right arm of salvation and seal their souls with Your Holy Spirit as You bring salvation to their souls. Oh, how I beg that my grief won't drive them away or harden their hearts. Protect them. Love on them. Teach them joy in the hard now that will carry on throughout all the hard they will experience during this life on this broken planet.

I have slowly been going through things in the house. If you know me, you know I am not super sentimental and I hate keeping things around I know we won't use/wear/listen to, etc. This process has been hard for me, not because I don't feel like I am attached to everything, but because I am afraid I'll get rid of something someone else may have wanted. I fear people will take my getting rid of things as unloving or that I am forgetting Kevin. I have his closet and dressers cleaned out. (I must admit, while I'd rather have him still with me, I am enjoying the extra space for my clothes and shoes. Shallow, I know.) I've been through the storage area and got rid of about 7 big trash bags full of stuff. (I am thankful for a local church that was doing a missions yard sale I could donate all of those bags to last weekend.) His tools are still all over the place. I don't even know where to start. His office. Oh.my.word.his.office. He had so much stuff! I mean, seriously, how did he even amass that much stuff? There's music stuff, computer stuff, camera stuff, and just stuff. Just walking in the door and looking at all I have to go through raises my blood pressure. I am so thankful that I have people who can come in and look at everything and help me decide what to sell, what to donate, and what to toss. Unfortunately, there's been a bit of a delay in setting up his estate, which means there's a delay in me being able to get rid of those things. I am hoping to be able to sort it as I move it to the storage area so we can turn his office into our school room. After 5 years of doing school at a card table or on the couch or at the dining room table or on my bed, we'll finally have a dedicated school room! All three of us find that exciting! I can't wait to pick out paint with the kids, get bookshelves moved, and set up a little reading nook. It will be a fun project we can do together and it will be fun to find ways to keep Kevin in the room with us.  (He has two office chairs that the kids cannot wait to use as school chairs and they are uber excited to be able to use his desktop as our school computer. I'll admit, I am pretty excited about that second one myself!)

One of my biggest stresses is desiring to be a good steward of all that such loving, caring people have given us in the past month. I have never been one who just tosses money around (who can actually do that kind of thing), but I find myself stressing over even the smallest of decisions. Go out to eat? Treat the kids to something special? Planners for school? Visit friends? Donate to those in need? Support missionaries? I want to be a good steward and honor the love and dedication and hard work of those who so generously and graciously gave to us. Father, give me wisdom. Don't allow me to fall into the trap of being stingy or withholding from others while in this strange transition phase. Teach me how to serve You well with all You have provided for us.

Another moment of honesty, I get tired of "counting fish" (keeping track of blessings. Check out this post from Ann Voskamp for the explanation: How to Live Through Anything: The Fish Principle) Sometimes I just want to wallow. I want to throw a pity party. I want things to not be hard. I don't want to find the beauty in the ugly. Can't I just have beauty without the ugly? Some days I really struggle to find something to be thankful for at the end of the day. But, oh, how I need to count those fish in order to keep moving. To see God's hand working. To keep putting one foot in front of the other. To see that He really does make the ugly beautiful. Oh, Father, open my eyes to see Your hand weaving this story together for our good and Your glory. Remind me that, while from my perspective things just look like a mess, You see the whole picture and the beautiful picture it makes.

Ways You Can Pray For Our Little Family

Lots of people over the last month have asked me how they can pray for us. I usually stumble through an answer and sometimes don't even give one. It's not because there isn't anything to pray for, just that I am not very quick on my feet (just ask anyone who has ever interviewed me for anything, I need the questions ahead of time so I have time to think about it and formulate my answer!) So, here are just a few ways you can be praying for our family:

-Ask God to reach down his mighty right arm that saves and bring salvation to the souls of my children, Sophie and Ethan. May He give them new hearts and make them new creations. Ask that He will teach them to love Him with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength and love others as they love themselves. Ask God to teach each of them to trust and obey Him in all things and to spend their lives to make Him known to others in any way possible. Pray that their decision for Christ would be real, deep, and not based on wanting to see their Daddy again.

-We are still grieving and will be for a long time. Every day is full of ups and downs. We had some good discussions today about life, death, and heaven. Pray that I will make the most of the teachable and tender moments that will come in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Pray that God would give me a sensitive spirit to know what they are truly asking and truly needing to hear. It's very easy for me to tune them out toward the end of the day because, well, I just can't handle any more words! Pray that the Lord would give me endurance for the entire day so I can answer all those questions.

-The Lord has provided abundantly for our family! I cannot even begin to tell you all the ways, means, and people He has used to pour His blessing on us. Homeschooling for the next year will be possible (my daughter was very worried about this!) He has provided enough money for us to live, but there won't be much left over for emergencies or savings. Please join me in praying that God would provide a way for me to provide an income for my family while still homeschooling my children (I have made the commitment that I will be obedient to homeschool until the Lord tells me otherwise and, so far, He has not.) I have no idea what this will look like; part-time, full-time, from home, outside the home, days, nights, childcare for my kids...lots of unknowns. He has provided enough that I don't have to rush into looking, but I can't go forever without having something, either. I am thankful that the Lord is giving me peace with this right now, but I haven't had a job since Ethan was born, so it means redoing my resume, interviews, and all those things I haven't done in a long time! I want to be wise in making this decision and a good steward of the provisions He's given us.

-Would you join me in praying that the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart would be pleasing to Him? I want Christ to have all the glory in my every word and every action.

-Kevin's birthday is April 28. I am still not 100% sure what we will do that day, but I want it to be a day of celebration and looking to Christ. I want it to be this way every year, but I have no idea how to accomplish that. I am asking for God to give me wisdom and direction on what tradition the three of us can do on his birthday each year. (And, if you know me, what I am really looking for is a way to honor his memory while giving to those in need in some area that would have meant a lot to him.)

-Pray that the Lord would teach all three of us how to live out Psalm 113:5-6: "But I will trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me."

-One of my deepest prayers is that the diseases of addiction and depression are over in our family. I pray earnestly that, like the Egyptians at the Red Sea, those diseases that we've seen so much of the last few years will never be seen again in our family. I pray that I will not see them again in my children or any other descendants, from generation to generation.

-At the beginning of the year I felt the Lord gave me Psalm 90:12-17 to pray over our family for 2016. I am still praying that over us: "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain wisdom. Relent, LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on Your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May Your deeds be shown to Your servants, Your splendor to Your children. May the favor of the LORD our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands."

-Can I be really transparent here? Like, the ugly kind of honest you don't usually voice? There have been times that, in my hardest moments, I've feared whether or not Kevin was truly saved because of his struggle with addiction. It's a disease that is hard to put into words. It's a disease that is hard to grasp. It's a disease that is hard to reconcile with the Christian life. Or what I think the Christian life should look like. Several times I have just gotten on my face, ugly cried like my life depended on it, and screamed out to God for reassurance that Kevin was truly saved and is sitting in heaven right now. Friends, God has answered that prayer every time by sending me words from high school and college friends, directing me to little notes that Kevin wrote to me through the years, random notes I found in an old Bible cover I didn't even know existed, and many other small ways. Would you pray with me that I will not allow Satan's fiery dart of fear take over my thoughts where Kevin's salvation is concerned? Pray that I will not worry what others think of his salvation when I know that God has given me and answer and God's answer is the only one that matters. (I have a big fear of people thinking that his war with addiction means he wasn't saved and I just can't handle people thinking that of my beloved.) When I give in to these fears, it causes me fear for my salvation and doubt whether God will or wants to save my children. That is not how God wants me to live. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self-discipline.

-Will you join me in praying that the Lord will give us joy in the hard? Joy in the ugly? Joy in the crazy journey that lies ahead of us? As a child of God, it is possible to be in the midst of confusion and a big, hot mess, and still be filled with joy. I want that for our family. I want others to look at us and not see Heather, Sophie, and Ethan, but to see a loving, merciful God who gave Himself up for us, regardless of where we are or where we come from. God is greater! I want our lives to declare that every day.

Thank you for all the prayers you've voiced on our behalf so far. God is answering them! Thank you in advance for the many more you will voice in the future!

We Made It!

This was a long, hard week. Both kids celebrated birthdays this week. We survived our first major event without Kevin. While neither day was without tears (mainly from me), we made it! We survived! We spent time with friends, ate cake, and shared some fun memories of Daddy.

Overall, it was a good week. On top of birthdays, Sophie and I also got to be part of Fiddler on the Roof at HLGU. Sophie did a small dancing part and I helped with a little make up. We both enjoyed it and had fun! I am thankful for friends who stepped in and helped with Ethan, making it possible for me to help. I am still getting used to this whole single parent thing, which means adjusting schedules and things I do because there isn't always someone to watch my kids or something for them to do. I want to scream, "I wasn't built for this!" But, deep in my heart, I know that isn't true. If I truly believe that every one of my days was written in God's book before one of them was lived (Psalm 139), then I also have to believe that I AM built for this because God knew, before I was formed in my mother's womb, that this day would come. I don't feel this, so I must constantly remind myself of it.

The grief has been really up and down this week. I was told this would happen so I was expecting it. I had my first counseling appointment this week (it went really well and I felt so much lighter after going.) I had visits from three college friends this week. That was also refreshing! One friend lost her father when she was a little younger than Ethan and had such good, sweet, wise words for me and for my kids to help us through the hard days ahead of us. She filled me with such hope and joy.

Running is one thing that has been so much harder without Kevin. I totally didn't appreciate his flexibility and ability to watch the kids at pretty much any time of any day. That made running with the girls so much easier. I've gone from running with them 3 times a week to barely being able to make once a week work. Today was one of those running days. And I am sore. Because I did nothing in between the times I ran with them. Please tell me that one day I will pull it together and be able to make a running schedule work and the grief will subside enough that I'll eventually have the energy to exercise alone on the days I can't run with the girls.

One thing I wasn't really ready for is all the selfish moments and thoughts that I have had. I struggle to want to do fun things with my kids. I am tired and I'd just rather nap. It try to meet in the middle and we watch movies together (if you can consider my napping while the movie is playing watching together.) I've thrown myself several pity parties thinking that I'll never again get Mother's Day presents, birthday presents, or Christmas presents. Really? Like any of that matters to begin with and like my kids can't take initiative and do those things for me. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean they love me less or value me less. I am just allowing Satan to use these little things to distract me from trusting God, spending time with Him, and seeing the amazing things the Lord has done and is doing for us. This life isn't about me. It's not even about my kids. It's about Him. Father, help me to remember and live that.

I am still missing my ability to focus for longer periods of time. My prayer time and Bible study are suffering because I just can't focus. I pray more at random times, but the prayers are short and don't feel deep like I had just a few months ago. I take comfort in the truth that even when we have no words, the Spirit intercedes for us. I need that so badly now! I am also thankful for the army of friends, family, and even strangers (thank you, Social Media) who are storming the gates of heaven on our behalf every day. I truly can feel the prayers and they are keeping us going.

If I am being honest. there are days that there's no way I would ever get out of bed if I didn't have children I needed to care for each day. I am tired. Life is hard. I don't enjoy getting used to life without the man who has been my other half for the last 15 years. Sleep just sounds better. Oh, but the love and grace of God placed these two beautiful children in my life. They light up my days. They make me laugh. They comfort me. They keep me going when I just want to give up. I have tears in my eyes just typing the words. I am so thankful for these two precious kiddos (even though I am scared to death that I am now their sole discipler, teacher, example, and {earthly}provider.) Oh, Father, teach me to love You with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength so that my children see You in all I do. Lord, save them! Adopt them! Let today be the day of salvation in our home!

Lord, I know there is a long road ahead. That road will be full of hard, happy, sad, scary, joyous, and awkward moments. Teach me to see Your hand in each moment, regardless of the feelings that will well up in me. Teach my body to sleep regularly, peacefully, and restfully. Teach me to start each day in You and to trust in You each moment of the day. Father, teach me how to live in such a way that no part of my life is wasted. Remove my selfishness far from me so my life can be poured out for others in order for Your name to be known. Speak to me and speak through me!