90 Days

90 days. 3 months. In the light of eternity, it's such a tiny amount of time, yet, so much can happen in that short amount of time. In the last 90 days our family has: cried many ugly tears, been completely bewildered, tried to give up, fought hard to stay alive and together, cried out in anguished "old testament hosanna" prayers (desperate cries for rescue before the waves crash over our heads), briefly  declared "some days, for better or worse really sucks", spent many sleepless nights, tried not to give into fear, struggled to praise God with every breath, searched hard to find God in the midst of the mess, let thousands of silent tears slip down our face, looked to the future with fear and uncertainty, seen tears turn to laughter, hugged each other a little tighter, learned to face life one day at a time, leaned heavily on sweet friends, seen "old testament hosannas" turn to "modern day hosannas" (desperate pleas for help becoming loud declarations that our Salvation is already here), learned just how much we don't know about the human brain, seen God's hand of healing, felt God's hand of grace, been given God's peace, been thankful that our plans to give up were thwarted by a God who loves us more than we can imagine, heard God whisper to us through our children, watched God change (every so slightly) our children's hearts toward others and prayer, been given a deeper understanding of God's sovereignty, learned a lot more about truly living eucharisteo every day (giving thanks with JOY), deepened our love for one another, had our appreciation and love for "for better or worse" increased, had our faith and trust in the only One who can see and provide increased, had our prayer lives drastically increased and blessed, and are now looking to the future with hope and joy!

Life has been hard. It's had it's ups and downs. BUT GOD! He's been there every step of the way. He led, guided, comforted, and provided. Father, thank You! Thank You for holding us and getting us through. Thank you for being our hope and salvation. Thank you for redemption and restoration. Continue to lead us, guide us, strengthen us, and keep us focused on You at all times. The days are brighter, but the struggles will always come and go. Help us to be content in You alone and trust You alone. Help us not to waiver in our faith when the hard times come. Let our lives declare You boldly. Let that speak loudly to our children. Use this crazy, messy, ugly beautiful mess of our lives to draw our children and others to You.

A Little of This, A Little of That, and Even Some Christmas, Too!

Lots of random thoughts in no particular order:

Pretty sure I will not be getting the Mother of the Year award from Sophie after this conversation today:
S: Mom, can you buy me a Christmas dress this year?
Me: A Christmas dress? You have a whole closet full of dresses you hardly wear.
S: But those aren't Christmassy dresses.
Me: So you want me to go buy you a Christmassy dress so you can wear it once and not wear it again because it's too Christmassy? Do you really think that's the best stewardship of our money?
S:blank stare
Me: I am not buying you a Christmas dress. But, if you really want one, you can buy it yourself.
S:blank stare. She walks away without a word.
Not sure what she was thinking and she hasn't brought it up since. We'll see if she mentions it again the next time we're headed to the store.

Why are my children so full of energy at bedtime, but when it's time for school they can barely move and are "sooooo tired!" Really? Please tell me my kids aren't the only ones.

It got really cold today. And part of me got really excited! I love winter...well, the sparkling snow, sledding, sitting inside with hot chocolate part of winter. Today, was not that kind of winter. I am a firm believer that if it's going to be really cold there should at least be snow with it to make it worth our while. Am I right?!?

I love sweaters. Especially in fall and winter.

I also love scarves. But I don't know how to wear them. So I don't wear them very often.

I am thankful for crock pots and soup. Also hot chocolate, snow pants, snow boots, hills, sleds, toilet paper, Internet, and so much more.

Sometimes, being the adult is no fun.

Honest confession here: There have been many times when I am downstairs and the kids are upstairs that I wish they had a phone only because I would love to be able to text them something instead of having to walk upstairs and tell them face-to-face. Yeah, lazy. I know. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has had that thought. Please.

Oddly, in the last two years, I've suddenly become a huge fan of non-fiction books. This had to have come straight from the Lord because, until then, I couldn't spend more than about 10 minutes reading anything that wasn't pure fiction. Seriously. Now, my book wish list is over flowing, and none of it is fiction! Maybe I really am growing up.

I struggle with jealousy (and I am starting to see this come out in my daughter, too, which is pretty scary!) Sometimes it's jealousy over silly little things-an outfit, a pair of boots, some one's ability. But where I've noticed it most lately is in those good, godly things-jealous of the connection some seem to have to Christ, jealous of the missions opportunities others have. My heart just wants to go, get out there and hold those babies, run in the red dirt with school age children, sit close and comfort a child as they are having jiggers removed from their feet, to be on the front lines of the orphan crisis. I have prayed and prayed that God would allow me the opportunity to go, but as of yet, He has kept that door closed. I work hard to see all that I can do here, and He has certainly opened a lot of doors I never would have expected here in Hannibal, but there is still so much of my heart that wants go. A little part of me wants to wallow and cry each time I hear of another person heading out to the field. I have to work really hard to trust God and not give into that self-pity. If I believe that God is completely sovereign, which I do, then I must believe that His answer of stay, at least for now, is what will bring Him the most glory through my life. Oh, Lord, help me to always be seeking Your will over my wants and wishes.

I love Christmas. I love the lights, the trees, the chill in the air, the snow, the music. I just love Christmas! But, it also brings this huge war within me. I want to celebrate Christmas to fullest, but how can I do that without losing focus on what this special time of year is supposed to remind us of? How can I draw my children to Christ in this season when I am so easily tempted by what the world? THIS BLOG POST really hits where my heart is every year at Christmas. The extreme side of me just wants to forgo presents and use all the money we would have spent on presents to buy chickens, sewing machines, mosquito nets, milk, clean water, etc, for the poorest around the world. Yet, the not so extreme side of me loves to watch the joy on my children's faces as they open presents on Christmas morning. Oh, Lord, lead and guide. Show me how to have the balance of praising and worshiping You at this time we've set aside to specifically focus on the fact that sent Your Son here to die in our place and being a small example of the love and mercy to my children that You showed us in that manger. Show me how to love on my children, give them good gifts (even though those gifts will never be as good as the gifts You give us), yet not spoil them or lose sight of the joy of the truth that You sent Your perfect, sinless Son to show me how to live and to die in my place.

Raise Up in Me a Holy Passion

This prayer started Jen Hatmaker's life interruption. It's been reverberating in the back of my mind since I read the updated version of her book, Interrupted. I want to pray this prayer. I want to scream it from the mountain tops. But, I just can't make myself do it. What will it mean? What will happen? Where will I have to go? What will I have to give up? Who will I have to love in His name? Will my husband think I'm crazy? My kids? My parents? My friends? Am I strong enough to survive the answer to this prayer? So many questions. A heart that is pounding from fear, yet aching to go farther. I feel frozen, unable to truly live.

Then last night at small group, what ice breaker question did I get? "What are you passionate about?" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time! My first thought matched my dear friend's answer when she heard the question, "What are you not passionate about?" As I waited for my turn to answer and thought about this, all I could think was, "I am passionate about so many things that it's really like I am passionate about nothing." Sort of like being a jack of all trades and master of none. I try to do so many things that it's like there's not one thing that my heart is fully in at any given time. I am feeling it as school starts this year. I love teaching my kids. I love what we'll be learning about this year (well, maybe not math.) But, for the life of me, I just can't get excited about jumping back in. Maybe it's because we just enjoyed summer so much and I don't want it to end. Maybe it's because I know that within weeks my daughter will pass me in math ability and I will have no idea how to teach her. I don't know, but the passion isn't there.

The most passion I have felt was just over a week ago in church when the praise team sang "Build Your Kingdom Here" by the Rend Collective Experiment. The moment I read the phrase "...refuse to waste our lives..." I lost it. Those words were the cry of my heart. Oh, Lord, don't let me waste this life on silly, earthly things that don't matter. Don't let me teach my children to waste their lives on those things. Don't let me teach other people's children to waste their lives on such things!

Now I sit with the question, "So, how do I NOT waste my life?" I don't have a to do list (and if you know me, you know that is killing me), but I do know this: loving others in His name is never wasting my life. The way I love my children and the way I love my kidz choir kids and the way I love the Afterschool Adventure kids may not look the same, but no matter how it looks, it requires me to be emptied of myself and poured out for Him. To be filled with the Spirit in order to serve others, in whatever way they need. It means serving the poor, the rich, the lost, the saved, the forgotten, the sick, the old, the young. It means being patient with my children, discipling and disciplining them in order to draw them to You, and being obedient in front of my children, no matter the cost. It means showing up every week to work with kids who may not remember my name, but they know that I love them and will be there for them every week. It means taking a sweet boy with us to Family Quest every week to make sure he's learning the truth of God's word. It means showing up to Kidz Choir every week, headache or not, to pour God's word into them as they learn more about Him and more about ways to truly worship Him.

Oh, Lord, help me to love well all I meet. Help me to love my children well every moment of every day that they may see You in me and desire to have You in their lives, as well. Help me to love my husband well so that he can be the leader in our home and continue to do the work you have set in front of him. Help me to love my church family well so they are taken care of and are able to serve others in Your name. Help me to love the lost all around me, regardless of their circumstance or station in life that they may see Your beauty and Your deep love for them and their deep need for You.

Oh, Father, RAISE UP IN ME A HOLY PASSION!

Interrupted and Overwhelmed

I just finished reading Jen Hatmaker's book, Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity for the second time. This was the new new, expanded version. I felt just as excited and convicted and overwhelmed as I did the first time I read it!

This book is really Jen's personal story of God interrupting her comfortable, affluent life by showing her the needs of the "least of these" around her.  She, her husband, and their three (at the time) children changed jobs, moved, and started a new church whose mission was to love and serve God with their whole hearts and lives out in the real world. (OK, there was more to it than that, but if I typed it here you wouldn't have to read the book!)

The first time I read this book I felt much like Jen, knowing there was more out there than I was doing or experiencing, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  God used her pointing out Isaiah 58 to interrupt my life.  My time in the Word and in prayer should result in more than just me feeling better or knowing more about God, but me being more like God. It should result in action that benefits more than just me or my family.

This time, I read the book after spending this past year working with our church's new Afterschool Adventures program.  We hold this at the income-based apartment complex across the street from the church. I spent a year working with the "least of these" right in my own backyard.  I found myself wanting to shout AMEN to so many of the things she was saying.  While the parents have no problem sending their kids over to church with us for our Wednesday night dinner and Family Quest activities, we can't get those parents to cross the street for anything!  They just won't come to us, we must go to them.  While they live in our backyard, they really do live in a whole different world than we can even imagine.

I was especially drawn to and convicted her comments Matt. 25. Am I really ready to stand before Christ and hear what He has to say about what I did to the least of these?  According to His word, whatever I did to the least of these, I did to Him.  Ignore the poor=ignore Christ. Ignore the hurting=ignore Christ. Ignore the imprisoned=ignore Christ. Ouch! It reminded me that Sanctity of Human life is about so much more than abortion! It also opened my eyes to hard, yet often unseen work, of so many in our church body.  The school teachers, foster parents, adopted grandparents, who pour out their all for others, never asking for anything else in return.

And, men, don't worry.  While Jen is the main author, her husband, Brandon, does write in here as well. Every few chapters or so we get to see what was happening in his heart as Jen was going through this huge change in hers.

Jen's transparency and humor will make it really hard to put this book down. Especially if you are craving something more with Christ and the church, but you just aren't sure what it is!  I have the book and I am more than happy to start a waiting list for anyone here in Hannibal who wants to read it. Even though we aren't all called to start a new church, we are all called to love those whom God has placed us near, rich or poor, regardless of skin color.

Now, what to do with it? What does this mean for my life? My marriage? My family? I really don't know! I know that I will continue to be involved in Aferschool Adventures, but right now, I feel like that's all I know for sure. I want to BE the church. I want to love others as Christ loved them. I want to stop being selfish and love my husband, family, neighbors, and community with reckless abandon and in a way that screams Christ's name. I don't know what that means, yet, but I am so glad that my life has been interrupted and won't be the same.  I was so overwhelmed by this in church this morning as we were singing "Build Your Kingdom Here" by the Rend Collective Experiment. I couldn't hold it in or hold stay still. It was such the cry of my heart! Lord, build Your kingdom here, in my heart, in my house, in my church! Lord, lead. Lord, guide. Lord, teach and mold. I thank You for the changes in hearts and structure You are doing in our church. Help us to be willing to do whatever You ask, even if it means services look different, happen at different times or meet in different places. Move us to be a people in Christ and about Christ. Oh, Lord, revive us and pour Your Spirit out on us. I thank You that being the church looks different in each life so that the most people can be told about You. Show us how the McSmith house is to be the church, right where we are.

While a lot of this may be loving on the poor and the least of these in my community, it's about so much more than that. It's really about loving, period. Loving God and loving others, no matter who they are or where they are from. It means understanding that Sunday morning at 9:15 and 10:30 may not be the best times to gather if you want the lost to come and hear God's love for them with the gathered church. It means asking "them" to come to "us" just may not work and we'll have to do the hard and uncomfortable work of going to "them" and showing God's love to them over and over and over. It's not a one time thing. It's a relationship and relationships take work. That's why it's hard and uncomfortable. And that's why I know I will only be able to do it with God's help because it's certainly not something I would do on my own!

So, read the book. Ask God to show you what He would have you do. Then, go and do what He's asked!

Of course, I have to list some of my fave quotes (and it was really hard to choose...if you borrow the book from me you'll see lots of underlining!)

"Until we are compelled and contributing, we're settling for an anemic faith and a church that robs Christ followers of their vitality and repels the rest of the world...There is a call on our body that must be answered collectively."

"All of a sudden, I saw my exact reflection in Peter: devoted, but selfish, committed but misguided. And that is not going to be enough. It won't suffice to claim good intentions. Saying, 'I meant well' is not going to cut it. Not with God screaming, begging, pleading, urging us to love mercy and justice, feed the poor and the orphaned, to care for the last and the least in nearly every book of the Bible. It will not be enough to one day stand before Jesus and say, 'Oh? Were You serious about all that?'"

"This is what God taught me through Judas as Jesus' table, eating the broken bread that was His body: We don't get to opt out of living on mission because we might not be appreciated. We're not allowed to neglect the oppressed because we have reservations about their discernment. We cannot deny love because it might be despised or misunderstood. We can't withhold social relief because we're not convinced it will be perfectly managed. We can't project our advantaged perspective onto struggling people and expect results available only to the privileged. Must we be wise? Absolutely. But doing nothing is a blatant sin of omission. Turning a blind eye to the bottom on the grounds of 'unworthiness' is the antithesis to Jesus' entire mission. How dare we? Most of us know nothing, nothing of the struggles of the poor. We erroneously think ourselves superior, and it is a wonder God would use us at all to minister to His beloved."

I could go on and on, but, you should just read the book!!!