Well, it's August. Next week will mark 5 months since my beloved Kevin passed away. In some ways the time has flown by, in others, it feels like it's been creeping. Most days it just all feels a little surreal. Life will forever be marked with a "before Kevin", "with Kevin", and "after Kevin." I hate everything about that. We were supposed to be going on a cruise in January. We were supposed to see both of our children saved, together. We were supposed to be together until we were too old to scoot around anymore. Alas, that is not the story that God has written for us. Though most days it's really hard to see, His story is always better than any we would write for ourselves. He sees the whole picture, beginning to end, and knows just what it will take to make each of us more like Him. Sometimes, that hurts. At least here on earth. In the end, we'll all agree that it's worth it. In the meantime, it's trusting Him, reading His word, and putting one foot in front of the other each day.
We've had a gloriously blessed summer. We've spent most of it on the road doing a lot of firsts. It would not have been possible without family and friends opening their homes so we didn't have to stay in hotels, covering the cost of plane tickets, allowing us to use their friend passes to amusement/water parks, Read to Succeed providing free Six Flags tickets for my kid's hard work, and so much more that I am sure I will remember after I hit publish. We have tons of pictures and lots of precious memories. Only one small trip left and then we have to really buckle down and get ready for school. (I've given up hope of starting full-time until after Labor Day, so until then I am hoping to get in some review between now and then.)
It's been awhile, so here are some ways you can be praying for us right now:
Rest. I need rest. True, deep rest. I wake up each morning tired and only get more tired throughout the day. I've been sleeping better than ever, but just can't get rid of the tiredness. I know a large part of that is just grief. That's just life right now. But, honestly, it's gotten old and life must continue. School must happen. Laundry must happen. Life must happen. It's really hard to do that when I can barely keep my eyes open.
School. I am asking the Lord to renew my passion for homeschooling. This will in turn make school more fun and exciting for all of us. I need the energy to do more projects and fun things than we did last year. I need to get organized and stick to a plan. I am also asking the Lord to give my children a love for learning. I am praying that the more we get into the school year the more they will just soak it up.
Salvation. Most of you probably know that Sophie gave her life to Christ a little over a week ago! Hallelujah! She has been excited to tell her friends, but very shy about telling anyone else. Would you pray that the Lord will give her courage and boldness to share what God has done? Pray that He would give her the right words to express what God has done (when you are young and there's no huge life change, it's hard to find the words to express how life is different. As one who came to Christ at a young age, I know this struggle first-hand.) We have already seen that her sharing a short little amount with one of her cousins is bearing fruit as he is know seeking Christ and asking about being saved. May this continue each time she shares! May her testimony lead to Ethan seeing his need to accept salvation!
Direction. I feel lost. Like I am just out there floating in the middle of the ocean with no boat, no paddle, and no idea where to go. I truly believe that God will use all this ugly, messy, chaotic grief for His glory, but I have no idea how. I have no idea what next steps He wants me to take or how I can use this to declare Him as I keep moving forward. I know it's early still, but with a new school year starting, the house sorted, and things picking back up again, it feels like the new chapter is truly starting but I have no idea where it's going. Please pray that any unbelief in God's sovereignty and guiding over my life would be gone. Pray that I could step back, let go, and let God lead in every area: school, job, service, everything.
Kevin's Estate. We've run into a little hiccup with Kevin's estate, which means I cannot do some things for a customer that need to be done. They are being very gracious and my lawyer is awesome and will help me get it figured out, but in the meantime, it's really frustrating. And causing me to be scared about the future and wonder whether it will all be resolved as it should be in October. I don't want to fear. I want to bravely trust the God who has proven Himself faithful and true over and over again in the last five months. I have no reason to believe that He will stop providing now. Pray that I will trust, even in the unknown.
Next Tasks. This week I have two things I really need to get done and nothing in me is looking forward to doing them. First, I need to go to the DMV and get a new title without Kevin's name. Everytime I have to turn in a copy of his death certificate is just hard, in so many ways. It's heartbreaking, shameful, and just hard. And it's the DMV. So add those together and it's just no fun! I also need to get prices for his grave marker this week. I know exactly what I want it to say, I just have to actually go and do it. This will make things seem so final. So over. So finished. But it must happen. (Though Kevin would probably have preferred his plot remain anonymous!) Pray that the Lord will grant me strength and, selfishly, no ugly crying in the midst of it. I just want to walk in and do it and get those things checked off the list.
Quiet Time. Quiet times this summer have been very sporadic because we haven't been at home. I am never in routine when I am home. Please pray that I will be able rise at least 30 minutes before the children to have a deeper prayer time. Pray over the quiet time the children and I have, at the same time, but separately. Pray that the Lord will give all three of us a hunger and love for His word. Pray that God will show me how to aid the children in having a meaningful and memorable quiet time.
Bedtime. Another casualty of summer traveling has been our bedtime routine. We had such a sweet time those first few months. Then we hit the road and it all fell apart. Please join me in praying that the Lord will restore that routine. Pray that the Lord will give me an energy and love for the bedtime routine that just doesn't come naturally to me. This is one of the things both kids miss most about Kevin, that time with just him at the end of the day.
Thank you all so much for your love and support through these last 5 months. Words can never express. (And if you haven't gotten a thank you card, I greatly apologize. I have a pile that has literally been sitting on my table for 5 months that I keep forgetting to take to church to hand out. It doesn't mean I am not grateful, just that I'm forgetful.)
Showing posts with label 1000 Gifts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1000 Gifts. Show all posts
August 01, 2016
May 01, 2016
The Waves and Wind Still Know His Name...
When I first heard Bethel's "It Is Well" I was immediately drawn to it. Not because of any particular circumstance in my life or because of the beauty of the music. It was the line, "...the waves and wind still know His name."
My mind was immediately taken back to 2009 when we were preparing for the birth of our second child. We had found out we were having a boy and were trying to decide on a name. Neither Kevin or I were good decision makers and your child's name is a BIG decision! We went back and forth and didn't really find anything we liked. I really wanted something with a good meaning or family history to it. Sophie's name means wisdom (which I wanted because it's something I felt like I don't have and I wanted to be able to pray that she would grow into her name.) I decided I wanted to find a boy's name that also meant wisdom. Y'all. Not possible. There is not a male name that means wisdom. At least not one that I was willing to name my child. So I kept looking.
Then I learned that there was one man, second only to King Solomon, in the Bible who was considered wise. Ethan the Ezrahite. I thought, "I could do Ethan. It doesn't mean wisdom, but it at least has a connection to wisdom. I like that name." Then I found out that Ethan the Ezrahite wrote Psalm 89. What a beautiful Psalm. It is honest and heartfelt. Ethan spells out the many ways God has blessed, loved, and protected His people Israel. He begs God to remember the covenant He made with David, to protect His lineage, as times for God's people were hard. Psalm 89:9 jumped right out at me and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. It says, "You rule the raging of the sea; when it's waves rise, You still them."
Can I get an AMEN!?!?! That verse. If I can remember that verse, I can cling to God through anything. The waves and wind of any storm still know His name. His voice still calms the storm. That is why I can say, "It is well." That is why I can lay my life, my children's lives, at His feet and let go of my white knuckle grip on this temporary life here on earth. No storm comes that He didn't see, prepare, or that He can't calm. Amen!
As soon as the reality hit that I was indeed going to have to plan a funeral for my beloved, I didn't even hesitate when it came to choosing that song for the occasion. This is the biggest, scariest, hardest storm I've ever been in. But His Truth still stands: He rules the raging of the sea; when it's waves rise, He stills them. So, each morning I choose to let go, hand this weary life over to the one whose voice commands every wind and every wave, and walk ahead being able to truly say, "It is well, it is well, with my soul."
We'll be singing this in church soon. The best church family I have ever known will be standing beside me, holding my hand, and raising their voices with me to declare the truth that God is sovereign, He's in control, and he allows us to know that all is well when life looks anything but. Amen! Thank You, Father! You are perfect in all Your ways to me. "You rule the raging of sea; when it's waves rise, You still them."
My mind was immediately taken back to 2009 when we were preparing for the birth of our second child. We had found out we were having a boy and were trying to decide on a name. Neither Kevin or I were good decision makers and your child's name is a BIG decision! We went back and forth and didn't really find anything we liked. I really wanted something with a good meaning or family history to it. Sophie's name means wisdom (which I wanted because it's something I felt like I don't have and I wanted to be able to pray that she would grow into her name.) I decided I wanted to find a boy's name that also meant wisdom. Y'all. Not possible. There is not a male name that means wisdom. At least not one that I was willing to name my child. So I kept looking.
Then I learned that there was one man, second only to King Solomon, in the Bible who was considered wise. Ethan the Ezrahite. I thought, "I could do Ethan. It doesn't mean wisdom, but it at least has a connection to wisdom. I like that name." Then I found out that Ethan the Ezrahite wrote Psalm 89. What a beautiful Psalm. It is honest and heartfelt. Ethan spells out the many ways God has blessed, loved, and protected His people Israel. He begs God to remember the covenant He made with David, to protect His lineage, as times for God's people were hard. Psalm 89:9 jumped right out at me and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. It says, "You rule the raging of the sea; when it's waves rise, You still them."
Can I get an AMEN!?!?! That verse. If I can remember that verse, I can cling to God through anything. The waves and wind of any storm still know His name. His voice still calms the storm. That is why I can say, "It is well." That is why I can lay my life, my children's lives, at His feet and let go of my white knuckle grip on this temporary life here on earth. No storm comes that He didn't see, prepare, or that He can't calm. Amen!
As soon as the reality hit that I was indeed going to have to plan a funeral for my beloved, I didn't even hesitate when it came to choosing that song for the occasion. This is the biggest, scariest, hardest storm I've ever been in. But His Truth still stands: He rules the raging of the sea; when it's waves rise, He stills them. So, each morning I choose to let go, hand this weary life over to the one whose voice commands every wind and every wave, and walk ahead being able to truly say, "It is well, it is well, with my soul."
We'll be singing this in church soon. The best church family I have ever known will be standing beside me, holding my hand, and raising their voices with me to declare the truth that God is sovereign, He's in control, and he allows us to know that all is well when life looks anything but. Amen! Thank You, Father! You are perfect in all Your ways to me. "You rule the raging of sea; when it's waves rise, You still them."
April 29, 2016
#choosingjoybyblessing
That was the theme for our day yesteday, April 28, 2016. If he hadn't passed away in March, that would have been my husband's 34th birthday. I knew it would be a hard day. I knew there would be sadness. And tears. And not wanting to move.
I had a choice: wallow in my sadness (and take my children with me), or choose JOY in the hard and teach my children that, even in the hard, God is good. Obedience brings blessing. Loving God and loving others really do matter.
I wanted to choose the first one. I wanted a day of nothing but laying in bed, watching movies, and crying. But, honestly, that did no one any good, least of all my children. That choice did nothing to honor the man I with whom spent 15 years loving, serving, and building a family. I knew that I had to choose to see the JOY in the hard. There was only one way to do that: lean in to God, the source of any strength I may have (and believe me, there isn't much!) To honor Kevin's memory on his birthday I wanted to do two things--serve others in a way that Kevin loved to serve others and share God with those we chose to serve.
One of the things Kevin loved to do most was to give people gifts that they could truly use but weren't expecting. I am not quite sure how it happened, but I decided that I wanted to give Sonic gift cards to HLGU students. We met and fell in love at HLG and it's almost finals time. It was perfect! My sweet friend Larinee helped me to refine the idea and wrote a poem I could give with each gift card. On top of that, when cleaning out some of Kevin's things, I found an old Christmas card that still had money in it that was a little more than the amount I had planned to spend, allowing me to add two more gift cards. Isn't God good?
Yesterday was probably the best day we've had in 6 weeks. Yes, there were some tears. Yes, we missed Kevin a little more than the day before. But, it was oh, so sweet, to take my kids to several places just for the purpose of spoiling other people. We had a very good conversation about sacrificing in order to share Christ with others and the truth that obedience brings blessings, even when that blessing doesn't come right away or in the form we thought it would take. We talk about how much daddy loved giving gifts to people and how good he was at getting just the perfect thing for people. We had some laughs as we talked about funny stories or silly things daddy did or said. It was just a wonderful day.
I needed that day. If feel so self-absorbed right now. My brain is stuck in grief mode and I've had a really hard time thinking beyond my four walls. Sometimes I can't even think within these walls. Sometimes I can't even think at all. I hate this feeling. I hate that someone else had to clean my house, wash my laundry, plan my daughter's birthday party, head up things that I was supposed to do, and much more. I hate that I don't feel up to standing in the gap when others need help. I hate that I haven't had the words to write notes of love and encouragement to all those amazing ladies who have loved me through these hard days in every way they can. I want to live a life that points others to Christ and pours itself out being His hands and feet. It felt really good to do that yesterday.
Here's just a little glimpse into our day of #choosingjoybyblessing yesterday:
I think one of the most exciting parts of the day was hearing from the teacher of a student whose meal we paid for in the McDonald's drive-through. We were so sad when we got there and there was no one behind us. We stopped, prayed for God to send someone, then pulled up to order. Just as we started to order, a car pulled up behind us. This teacher said her student brought in the card we gave them, ready it to her, and, though he doesn't pray, said that he would start praying by praying by us. It also opened the door for her to share our story with her class. It was a beautiful example to my kiddos that, truly, obedience brings blessing. When we choose to use what God has given us (time, money, talents, etc) He will bless us and bless others.
Father, give me Your eyes and Your heart so that I can be Your hands and feet. Steal my children's hearts! Let today be the day of Sophie's salvation! Let today be the day of Ethan's salvation. Adopt them! Make them new creations in You who have a passion for You and sharing You lovingly with all they meet. Mold us. Shape us. Use us!
I had a choice: wallow in my sadness (and take my children with me), or choose JOY in the hard and teach my children that, even in the hard, God is good. Obedience brings blessing. Loving God and loving others really do matter.
I wanted to choose the first one. I wanted a day of nothing but laying in bed, watching movies, and crying. But, honestly, that did no one any good, least of all my children. That choice did nothing to honor the man I with whom spent 15 years loving, serving, and building a family. I knew that I had to choose to see the JOY in the hard. There was only one way to do that: lean in to God, the source of any strength I may have (and believe me, there isn't much!) To honor Kevin's memory on his birthday I wanted to do two things--serve others in a way that Kevin loved to serve others and share God with those we chose to serve.
One of the things Kevin loved to do most was to give people gifts that they could truly use but weren't expecting. I am not quite sure how it happened, but I decided that I wanted to give Sonic gift cards to HLGU students. We met and fell in love at HLG and it's almost finals time. It was perfect! My sweet friend Larinee helped me to refine the idea and wrote a poem I could give with each gift card. On top of that, when cleaning out some of Kevin's things, I found an old Christmas card that still had money in it that was a little more than the amount I had planned to spend, allowing me to add two more gift cards. Isn't God good?
Yesterday was probably the best day we've had in 6 weeks. Yes, there were some tears. Yes, we missed Kevin a little more than the day before. But, it was oh, so sweet, to take my kids to several places just for the purpose of spoiling other people. We had a very good conversation about sacrificing in order to share Christ with others and the truth that obedience brings blessings, even when that blessing doesn't come right away or in the form we thought it would take. We talk about how much daddy loved giving gifts to people and how good he was at getting just the perfect thing for people. We had some laughs as we talked about funny stories or silly things daddy did or said. It was just a wonderful day.
I needed that day. If feel so self-absorbed right now. My brain is stuck in grief mode and I've had a really hard time thinking beyond my four walls. Sometimes I can't even think within these walls. Sometimes I can't even think at all. I hate this feeling. I hate that someone else had to clean my house, wash my laundry, plan my daughter's birthday party, head up things that I was supposed to do, and much more. I hate that I don't feel up to standing in the gap when others need help. I hate that I haven't had the words to write notes of love and encouragement to all those amazing ladies who have loved me through these hard days in every way they can. I want to live a life that points others to Christ and pours itself out being His hands and feet. It felt really good to do that yesterday.
Here's just a little glimpse into our day of #choosingjoybyblessing yesterday:
Heading out for the day.
Breakfast at Java Jive, one of Kevin's favorite places.
One of the two extra gift cards we were able to purchase.
We left those two on random cars in downtown Hannibal.
We walked a few blocks because Kevin loved walking around downtown Hannibal.
The kids insisted we take pics here. It's the bench where we had most of our family pictures taken.
The note and gift cards we left for students at HLGU.
All the numbers meant something to us. I love that the way Sophie posed for each of these pictures was so her!
Note how differently he was posed! So him!
I even went for a run, something Kevin also enjoyed. He always tried to get me to run with him, but I didn't get into running until he couldn't run anymore.
Birthday gelato at another favorite place of Kevin's: Stam's.
Our version of birthday cake.
We picked out shoes to send to Bethesda, the orphanage where our friends will be living and working, starting Monday!
I think one of the most exciting parts of the day was hearing from the teacher of a student whose meal we paid for in the McDonald's drive-through. We were so sad when we got there and there was no one behind us. We stopped, prayed for God to send someone, then pulled up to order. Just as we started to order, a car pulled up behind us. This teacher said her student brought in the card we gave them, ready it to her, and, though he doesn't pray, said that he would start praying by praying by us. It also opened the door for her to share our story with her class. It was a beautiful example to my kiddos that, truly, obedience brings blessing. When we choose to use what God has given us (time, money, talents, etc) He will bless us and bless others.
Father, give me Your eyes and Your heart so that I can be Your hands and feet. Steal my children's hearts! Let today be the day of Sophie's salvation! Let today be the day of Ethan's salvation. Adopt them! Make them new creations in You who have a passion for You and sharing You lovingly with all they meet. Mold us. Shape us. Use us!
April 26, 2016
It's My Birthday!!!!!
I'm 30 today!!!! Spiritually speaking, that is. Thirty years ago today I gave my life to Christ. We've had some rough moments through the years. I've been stubborn and willful and didn't always want to listen. There were a lot of times I thought I was in control and didn't need Him. There were a lot of desperate times when I was on my face crying out to Him with nowhere else to go, knowing that no one else could help. His word has corrected me, lead me, comforted me, and at times, been all that sustained me. My times of prayer have been sweet and hard and everything in between. Very few things have turned out the way that I would have wanted or planned, but He's been with me each step of the way. It's a decision I don't regret at all.
The whole process started for me when my two best friends were killed in a house fire. I was crushed. Life ground to a halt for awhile. Everything was turned upside down in the time it took for my dad to say one sentence. I imagine that's how my children felt when my daddy delivered the news that their daddy was gone. Oh, how I pray that this hard time in their life produces the result that hard time produced for me: Salvation. Nothing comes our way, good or bad, that doesn't first go through God's hand. No hard time comes that God can't redeem, even the death of His saints. Oh, Father, let this be the final piece in their little lives that brings them to You. Let today be the day of salvation for Sophie! Let today be the day of salvation for Ethan! Call them. Adopt them. Steal their hearts. Teach them to love you with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength. Use every history, math, science, reading, handwriting, and grammar lesson to draw them to You and prepare them to share You with all they meet. Give them hearts that hunger and thirst for righteousness. Teach them to love their neighbor as themselves. Teach me to let go of them and release them to You. You love them more than I ever could. You desire them to run to You, follow You, and for them to pour out their lives loving You and loving others. Teach me to lead by example in all of those areas that they may be drawn to You.
Lord, thank You for the beautiful gift of Your salvation (for me, for Kevin, and for my children.) Thank You for dying in my place. Thank you for arresting death and reclaiming true life. Thank You for 30 years of ups and downs, joys and tears, ease and hard, beautiful and ugly. I look forward to 30 more here (unless You have a better plan) and an eternity with You (which I can't even fathom.)
The whole process started for me when my two best friends were killed in a house fire. I was crushed. Life ground to a halt for awhile. Everything was turned upside down in the time it took for my dad to say one sentence. I imagine that's how my children felt when my daddy delivered the news that their daddy was gone. Oh, how I pray that this hard time in their life produces the result that hard time produced for me: Salvation. Nothing comes our way, good or bad, that doesn't first go through God's hand. No hard time comes that God can't redeem, even the death of His saints. Oh, Father, let this be the final piece in their little lives that brings them to You. Let today be the day of salvation for Sophie! Let today be the day of salvation for Ethan! Call them. Adopt them. Steal their hearts. Teach them to love you with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength. Use every history, math, science, reading, handwriting, and grammar lesson to draw them to You and prepare them to share You with all they meet. Give them hearts that hunger and thirst for righteousness. Teach them to love their neighbor as themselves. Teach me to let go of them and release them to You. You love them more than I ever could. You desire them to run to You, follow You, and for them to pour out their lives loving You and loving others. Teach me to lead by example in all of those areas that they may be drawn to You.
Lord, thank You for the beautiful gift of Your salvation (for me, for Kevin, and for my children.) Thank You for dying in my place. Thank you for arresting death and reclaiming true life. Thank You for 30 years of ups and downs, joys and tears, ease and hard, beautiful and ugly. I look forward to 30 more here (unless You have a better plan) and an eternity with You (which I can't even fathom.)
April 21, 2016
Grief Brain
Yeah. I have that. Of course, I think the flow went something more like pregnancy brain to mom brain to grief brain. All are similar. All are annoying. I can't even tell you the number of times I have left my phone somewhere in the last month. And my keys. And my kids. OK, I haven't left my kids anywhere. Yet. But with my brain in this state, I wouldn't rule it out. Focusing on anything for more than 15 minutes or so is virtually impossible. It makes it really hard to have any kind of in-depth Bible study or deep prayer time. The smallest things send me into tears or a panic. I cried about carrying out trash the other night. Trash. Making even the smallest decision is extremely tiring and raises my blood pressure. Do you know how many decisions you have to make when you are a recently widowed single parent. My brain cannot handle it. I do not have the emotional bandwidth that comes with making decisions right now.
If I am being honest, there are times when I don't have the bandwidth for my children. I feel like such a bad mom. A failure. They talk to me and I don't hear a thing they say. Some days it takes everything in me to even want to be in the same room with them. Did I mention that I homeschool? And they are here all the time? Because I decided five years ago that this would be a good idea? Some days I just want to scream, "What was I thinking?!?!?!!?" I actually gave up on finishing any school other than history, science, Bible and math this year. (OK, Ethan didn't actually finish math, but he was really close. I at least intend for him to get the lessons finished randomly throughout the summer. Yeah, based on what I've written so far, the odds of that happening are slim to none. And slim is on a train on the way out of town. But it's the thought that counts, right? We should all be worried about my children's education.) Bedtime, while some days I love the coziness and routine of it, most of the time I just want to push them off to bed and walk away. Go hide in my room with the noise of the TV. I hate this. I so desperately pray that they don't feel that irritation, sense me pushing them away, or ever feel unwanted. I love them so much. I don't know where I would be without them right now. Most days they are the only reason I get out of bed or get dressed. Oh, Father, please let me move past this stage of grief quickly, for the sake of my children. Let summer be a sweet time of fun, relaxation, and bonding closer than I could ever imagine. Wrap them in Your love. Call their names. Draw them to You. Reach down with Your mighty right arm of salvation and seal their souls with Your Holy Spirit as You bring salvation to their souls. Oh, how I beg that my grief won't drive them away or harden their hearts. Protect them. Love on them. Teach them joy in the hard now that will carry on throughout all the hard they will experience during this life on this broken planet.
I have slowly been going through things in the house. If you know me, you know I am not super sentimental and I hate keeping things around I know we won't use/wear/listen to, etc. This process has been hard for me, not because I don't feel like I am attached to everything, but because I am afraid I'll get rid of something someone else may have wanted. I fear people will take my getting rid of things as unloving or that I am forgetting Kevin. I have his closet and dressers cleaned out. (I must admit, while I'd rather have him still with me, I am enjoying the extra space for my clothes and shoes. Shallow, I know.) I've been through the storage area and got rid of about 7 big trash bags full of stuff. (I am thankful for a local church that was doing a missions yard sale I could donate all of those bags to last weekend.) His tools are still all over the place. I don't even know where to start. His office. Oh.my.word.his.office. He had so much stuff! I mean, seriously, how did he even amass that much stuff? There's music stuff, computer stuff, camera stuff, and just stuff. Just walking in the door and looking at all I have to go through raises my blood pressure. I am so thankful that I have people who can come in and look at everything and help me decide what to sell, what to donate, and what to toss. Unfortunately, there's been a bit of a delay in setting up his estate, which means there's a delay in me being able to get rid of those things. I am hoping to be able to sort it as I move it to the storage area so we can turn his office into our school room. After 5 years of doing school at a card table or on the couch or at the dining room table or on my bed, we'll finally have a dedicated school room! All three of us find that exciting! I can't wait to pick out paint with the kids, get bookshelves moved, and set up a little reading nook. It will be a fun project we can do together and it will be fun to find ways to keep Kevin in the room with us. (He has two office chairs that the kids cannot wait to use as school chairs and they are uber excited to be able to use his desktop as our school computer. I'll admit, I am pretty excited about that second one myself!)
One of my biggest stresses is desiring to be a good steward of all that such loving, caring people have given us in the past month. I have never been one who just tosses money around (who can actually do that kind of thing), but I find myself stressing over even the smallest of decisions. Go out to eat? Treat the kids to something special? Planners for school? Visit friends? Donate to those in need? Support missionaries? I want to be a good steward and honor the love and dedication and hard work of those who so generously and graciously gave to us. Father, give me wisdom. Don't allow me to fall into the trap of being stingy or withholding from others while in this strange transition phase. Teach me how to serve You well with all You have provided for us.
Another moment of honesty, I get tired of "counting fish" (keeping track of blessings. Check out this post from Ann Voskamp for the explanation: How to Live Through Anything: The Fish Principle) Sometimes I just want to wallow. I want to throw a pity party. I want things to not be hard. I don't want to find the beauty in the ugly. Can't I just have beauty without the ugly? Some days I really struggle to find something to be thankful for at the end of the day. But, oh, how I need to count those fish in order to keep moving. To see God's hand working. To keep putting one foot in front of the other. To see that He really does make the ugly beautiful. Oh, Father, open my eyes to see Your hand weaving this story together for our good and Your glory. Remind me that, while from my perspective things just look like a mess, You see the whole picture and the beautiful picture it makes.
If I am being honest, there are times when I don't have the bandwidth for my children. I feel like such a bad mom. A failure. They talk to me and I don't hear a thing they say. Some days it takes everything in me to even want to be in the same room with them. Did I mention that I homeschool? And they are here all the time? Because I decided five years ago that this would be a good idea? Some days I just want to scream, "What was I thinking?!?!?!!?" I actually gave up on finishing any school other than history, science, Bible and math this year. (OK, Ethan didn't actually finish math, but he was really close. I at least intend for him to get the lessons finished randomly throughout the summer. Yeah, based on what I've written so far, the odds of that happening are slim to none. And slim is on a train on the way out of town. But it's the thought that counts, right? We should all be worried about my children's education.) Bedtime, while some days I love the coziness and routine of it, most of the time I just want to push them off to bed and walk away. Go hide in my room with the noise of the TV. I hate this. I so desperately pray that they don't feel that irritation, sense me pushing them away, or ever feel unwanted. I love them so much. I don't know where I would be without them right now. Most days they are the only reason I get out of bed or get dressed. Oh, Father, please let me move past this stage of grief quickly, for the sake of my children. Let summer be a sweet time of fun, relaxation, and bonding closer than I could ever imagine. Wrap them in Your love. Call their names. Draw them to You. Reach down with Your mighty right arm of salvation and seal their souls with Your Holy Spirit as You bring salvation to their souls. Oh, how I beg that my grief won't drive them away or harden their hearts. Protect them. Love on them. Teach them joy in the hard now that will carry on throughout all the hard they will experience during this life on this broken planet.
I have slowly been going through things in the house. If you know me, you know I am not super sentimental and I hate keeping things around I know we won't use/wear/listen to, etc. This process has been hard for me, not because I don't feel like I am attached to everything, but because I am afraid I'll get rid of something someone else may have wanted. I fear people will take my getting rid of things as unloving or that I am forgetting Kevin. I have his closet and dressers cleaned out. (I must admit, while I'd rather have him still with me, I am enjoying the extra space for my clothes and shoes. Shallow, I know.) I've been through the storage area and got rid of about 7 big trash bags full of stuff. (I am thankful for a local church that was doing a missions yard sale I could donate all of those bags to last weekend.) His tools are still all over the place. I don't even know where to start. His office. Oh.my.word.his.office. He had so much stuff! I mean, seriously, how did he even amass that much stuff? There's music stuff, computer stuff, camera stuff, and just stuff. Just walking in the door and looking at all I have to go through raises my blood pressure. I am so thankful that I have people who can come in and look at everything and help me decide what to sell, what to donate, and what to toss. Unfortunately, there's been a bit of a delay in setting up his estate, which means there's a delay in me being able to get rid of those things. I am hoping to be able to sort it as I move it to the storage area so we can turn his office into our school room. After 5 years of doing school at a card table or on the couch or at the dining room table or on my bed, we'll finally have a dedicated school room! All three of us find that exciting! I can't wait to pick out paint with the kids, get bookshelves moved, and set up a little reading nook. It will be a fun project we can do together and it will be fun to find ways to keep Kevin in the room with us. (He has two office chairs that the kids cannot wait to use as school chairs and they are uber excited to be able to use his desktop as our school computer. I'll admit, I am pretty excited about that second one myself!)
One of my biggest stresses is desiring to be a good steward of all that such loving, caring people have given us in the past month. I have never been one who just tosses money around (who can actually do that kind of thing), but I find myself stressing over even the smallest of decisions. Go out to eat? Treat the kids to something special? Planners for school? Visit friends? Donate to those in need? Support missionaries? I want to be a good steward and honor the love and dedication and hard work of those who so generously and graciously gave to us. Father, give me wisdom. Don't allow me to fall into the trap of being stingy or withholding from others while in this strange transition phase. Teach me how to serve You well with all You have provided for us.
Another moment of honesty, I get tired of "counting fish" (keeping track of blessings. Check out this post from Ann Voskamp for the explanation: How to Live Through Anything: The Fish Principle) Sometimes I just want to wallow. I want to throw a pity party. I want things to not be hard. I don't want to find the beauty in the ugly. Can't I just have beauty without the ugly? Some days I really struggle to find something to be thankful for at the end of the day. But, oh, how I need to count those fish in order to keep moving. To see God's hand working. To keep putting one foot in front of the other. To see that He really does make the ugly beautiful. Oh, Father, open my eyes to see Your hand weaving this story together for our good and Your glory. Remind me that, while from my perspective things just look like a mess, You see the whole picture and the beautiful picture it makes.
April 13, 2016
Ways You Can Pray For Our Little Family
Lots of people over the last month have asked me how they can pray for us. I usually stumble through an answer and sometimes don't even give one. It's not because there isn't anything to pray for, just that I am not very quick on my feet (just ask anyone who has ever interviewed me for anything, I need the questions ahead of time so I have time to think about it and formulate my answer!) So, here are just a few ways you can be praying for our family:
-Ask God to reach down his mighty right arm that saves and bring salvation to the souls of my children, Sophie and Ethan. May He give them new hearts and make them new creations. Ask that He will teach them to love Him with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength and love others as they love themselves. Ask God to teach each of them to trust and obey Him in all things and to spend their lives to make Him known to others in any way possible. Pray that their decision for Christ would be real, deep, and not based on wanting to see their Daddy again.
-We are still grieving and will be for a long time. Every day is full of ups and downs. We had some good discussions today about life, death, and heaven. Pray that I will make the most of the teachable and tender moments that will come in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Pray that God would give me a sensitive spirit to know what they are truly asking and truly needing to hear. It's very easy for me to tune them out toward the end of the day because, well, I just can't handle any more words! Pray that the Lord would give me endurance for the entire day so I can answer all those questions.
-The Lord has provided abundantly for our family! I cannot even begin to tell you all the ways, means, and people He has used to pour His blessing on us. Homeschooling for the next year will be possible (my daughter was very worried about this!) He has provided enough money for us to live, but there won't be much left over for emergencies or savings. Please join me in praying that God would provide a way for me to provide an income for my family while still homeschooling my children (I have made the commitment that I will be obedient to homeschool until the Lord tells me otherwise and, so far, He has not.) I have no idea what this will look like; part-time, full-time, from home, outside the home, days, nights, childcare for my kids...lots of unknowns. He has provided enough that I don't have to rush into looking, but I can't go forever without having something, either. I am thankful that the Lord is giving me peace with this right now, but I haven't had a job since Ethan was born, so it means redoing my resume, interviews, and all those things I haven't done in a long time! I want to be wise in making this decision and a good steward of the provisions He's given us.
-Would you join me in praying that the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart would be pleasing to Him? I want Christ to have all the glory in my every word and every action.
-Kevin's birthday is April 28. I am still not 100% sure what we will do that day, but I want it to be a day of celebration and looking to Christ. I want it to be this way every year, but I have no idea how to accomplish that. I am asking for God to give me wisdom and direction on what tradition the three of us can do on his birthday each year. (And, if you know me, what I am really looking for is a way to honor his memory while giving to those in need in some area that would have meant a lot to him.)
-Pray that the Lord would teach all three of us how to live out Psalm 113:5-6: "But I will trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me."
-One of my deepest prayers is that the diseases of addiction and depression are over in our family. I pray earnestly that, like the Egyptians at the Red Sea, those diseases that we've seen so much of the last few years will never be seen again in our family. I pray that I will not see them again in my children or any other descendants, from generation to generation.
-At the beginning of the year I felt the Lord gave me Psalm 90:12-17 to pray over our family for 2016. I am still praying that over us: "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain wisdom. Relent, LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on Your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May Your deeds be shown to Your servants, Your splendor to Your children. May the favor of the LORD our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands."
-Can I be really transparent here? Like, the ugly kind of honest you don't usually voice? There have been times that, in my hardest moments, I've feared whether or not Kevin was truly saved because of his struggle with addiction. It's a disease that is hard to put into words. It's a disease that is hard to grasp. It's a disease that is hard to reconcile with the Christian life. Or what I think the Christian life should look like. Several times I have just gotten on my face, ugly cried like my life depended on it, and screamed out to God for reassurance that Kevin was truly saved and is sitting in heaven right now. Friends, God has answered that prayer every time by sending me words from high school and college friends, directing me to little notes that Kevin wrote to me through the years, random notes I found in an old Bible cover I didn't even know existed, and many other small ways. Would you pray with me that I will not allow Satan's fiery dart of fear take over my thoughts where Kevin's salvation is concerned? Pray that I will not worry what others think of his salvation when I know that God has given me and answer and God's answer is the only one that matters. (I have a big fear of people thinking that his war with addiction means he wasn't saved and I just can't handle people thinking that of my beloved.) When I give in to these fears, it causes me fear for my salvation and doubt whether God will or wants to save my children. That is not how God wants me to live. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self-discipline.
-Will you join me in praying that the Lord will give us joy in the hard? Joy in the ugly? Joy in the crazy journey that lies ahead of us? As a child of God, it is possible to be in the midst of confusion and a big, hot mess, and still be filled with joy. I want that for our family. I want others to look at us and not see Heather, Sophie, and Ethan, but to see a loving, merciful God who gave Himself up for us, regardless of where we are or where we come from. God is greater! I want our lives to declare that every day.
Thank you for all the prayers you've voiced on our behalf so far. God is answering them! Thank you in advance for the many more you will voice in the future!
-Ask God to reach down his mighty right arm that saves and bring salvation to the souls of my children, Sophie and Ethan. May He give them new hearts and make them new creations. Ask that He will teach them to love Him with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength and love others as they love themselves. Ask God to teach each of them to trust and obey Him in all things and to spend their lives to make Him known to others in any way possible. Pray that their decision for Christ would be real, deep, and not based on wanting to see their Daddy again.
-We are still grieving and will be for a long time. Every day is full of ups and downs. We had some good discussions today about life, death, and heaven. Pray that I will make the most of the teachable and tender moments that will come in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Pray that God would give me a sensitive spirit to know what they are truly asking and truly needing to hear. It's very easy for me to tune them out toward the end of the day because, well, I just can't handle any more words! Pray that the Lord would give me endurance for the entire day so I can answer all those questions.
-The Lord has provided abundantly for our family! I cannot even begin to tell you all the ways, means, and people He has used to pour His blessing on us. Homeschooling for the next year will be possible (my daughter was very worried about this!) He has provided enough money for us to live, but there won't be much left over for emergencies or savings. Please join me in praying that God would provide a way for me to provide an income for my family while still homeschooling my children (I have made the commitment that I will be obedient to homeschool until the Lord tells me otherwise and, so far, He has not.) I have no idea what this will look like; part-time, full-time, from home, outside the home, days, nights, childcare for my kids...lots of unknowns. He has provided enough that I don't have to rush into looking, but I can't go forever without having something, either. I am thankful that the Lord is giving me peace with this right now, but I haven't had a job since Ethan was born, so it means redoing my resume, interviews, and all those things I haven't done in a long time! I want to be wise in making this decision and a good steward of the provisions He's given us.
-Would you join me in praying that the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart would be pleasing to Him? I want Christ to have all the glory in my every word and every action.
-Kevin's birthday is April 28. I am still not 100% sure what we will do that day, but I want it to be a day of celebration and looking to Christ. I want it to be this way every year, but I have no idea how to accomplish that. I am asking for God to give me wisdom and direction on what tradition the three of us can do on his birthday each year. (And, if you know me, what I am really looking for is a way to honor his memory while giving to those in need in some area that would have meant a lot to him.)
-Pray that the Lord would teach all three of us how to live out Psalm 113:5-6: "But I will trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me."
-One of my deepest prayers is that the diseases of addiction and depression are over in our family. I pray earnestly that, like the Egyptians at the Red Sea, those diseases that we've seen so much of the last few years will never be seen again in our family. I pray that I will not see them again in my children or any other descendants, from generation to generation.
-At the beginning of the year I felt the Lord gave me Psalm 90:12-17 to pray over our family for 2016. I am still praying that over us: "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain wisdom. Relent, LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on Your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May Your deeds be shown to Your servants, Your splendor to Your children. May the favor of the LORD our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands."
-Can I be really transparent here? Like, the ugly kind of honest you don't usually voice? There have been times that, in my hardest moments, I've feared whether or not Kevin was truly saved because of his struggle with addiction. It's a disease that is hard to put into words. It's a disease that is hard to grasp. It's a disease that is hard to reconcile with the Christian life. Or what I think the Christian life should look like. Several times I have just gotten on my face, ugly cried like my life depended on it, and screamed out to God for reassurance that Kevin was truly saved and is sitting in heaven right now. Friends, God has answered that prayer every time by sending me words from high school and college friends, directing me to little notes that Kevin wrote to me through the years, random notes I found in an old Bible cover I didn't even know existed, and many other small ways. Would you pray with me that I will not allow Satan's fiery dart of fear take over my thoughts where Kevin's salvation is concerned? Pray that I will not worry what others think of his salvation when I know that God has given me and answer and God's answer is the only one that matters. (I have a big fear of people thinking that his war with addiction means he wasn't saved and I just can't handle people thinking that of my beloved.) When I give in to these fears, it causes me fear for my salvation and doubt whether God will or wants to save my children. That is not how God wants me to live. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self-discipline.
-Will you join me in praying that the Lord will give us joy in the hard? Joy in the ugly? Joy in the crazy journey that lies ahead of us? As a child of God, it is possible to be in the midst of confusion and a big, hot mess, and still be filled with joy. I want that for our family. I want others to look at us and not see Heather, Sophie, and Ethan, but to see a loving, merciful God who gave Himself up for us, regardless of where we are or where we come from. God is greater! I want our lives to declare that every day.
Thank you for all the prayers you've voiced on our behalf so far. God is answering them! Thank you in advance for the many more you will voice in the future!
April 09, 2016
We Made It!
This was a long, hard week. Both kids celebrated birthdays this week. We survived our first major event without Kevin. While neither day was without tears (mainly from me), we made it! We survived! We spent time with friends, ate cake, and shared some fun memories of Daddy.
Overall, it was a good week. On top of birthdays, Sophie and I also got to be part of Fiddler on the Roof at HLGU. Sophie did a small dancing part and I helped with a little make up. We both enjoyed it and had fun! I am thankful for friends who stepped in and helped with Ethan, making it possible for me to help. I am still getting used to this whole single parent thing, which means adjusting schedules and things I do because there isn't always someone to watch my kids or something for them to do. I want to scream, "I wasn't built for this!" But, deep in my heart, I know that isn't true. If I truly believe that every one of my days was written in God's book before one of them was lived (Psalm 139), then I also have to believe that I AM built for this because God knew, before I was formed in my mother's womb, that this day would come. I don't feel this, so I must constantly remind myself of it.
The grief has been really up and down this week. I was told this would happen so I was expecting it. I had my first counseling appointment this week (it went really well and I felt so much lighter after going.) I had visits from three college friends this week. That was also refreshing! One friend lost her father when she was a little younger than Ethan and had such good, sweet, wise words for me and for my kids to help us through the hard days ahead of us. She filled me with such hope and joy.
Running is one thing that has been so much harder without Kevin. I totally didn't appreciate his flexibility and ability to watch the kids at pretty much any time of any day. That made running with the girls so much easier. I've gone from running with them 3 times a week to barely being able to make once a week work. Today was one of those running days. And I am sore. Because I did nothing in between the times I ran with them. Please tell me that one day I will pull it together and be able to make a running schedule work and the grief will subside enough that I'll eventually have the energy to exercise alone on the days I can't run with the girls.
One thing I wasn't really ready for is all the selfish moments and thoughts that I have had. I struggle to want to do fun things with my kids. I am tired and I'd just rather nap. It try to meet in the middle and we watch movies together (if you can consider my napping while the movie is playing watching together.) I've thrown myself several pity parties thinking that I'll never again get Mother's Day presents, birthday presents, or Christmas presents. Really? Like any of that matters to begin with and like my kids can't take initiative and do those things for me. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean they love me less or value me less. I am just allowing Satan to use these little things to distract me from trusting God, spending time with Him, and seeing the amazing things the Lord has done and is doing for us. This life isn't about me. It's not even about my kids. It's about Him. Father, help me to remember and live that.
I am still missing my ability to focus for longer periods of time. My prayer time and Bible study are suffering because I just can't focus. I pray more at random times, but the prayers are short and don't feel deep like I had just a few months ago. I take comfort in the truth that even when we have no words, the Spirit intercedes for us. I need that so badly now! I am also thankful for the army of friends, family, and even strangers (thank you, Social Media) who are storming the gates of heaven on our behalf every day. I truly can feel the prayers and they are keeping us going.
If I am being honest. there are days that there's no way I would ever get out of bed if I didn't have children I needed to care for each day. I am tired. Life is hard. I don't enjoy getting used to life without the man who has been my other half for the last 15 years. Sleep just sounds better. Oh, but the love and grace of God placed these two beautiful children in my life. They light up my days. They make me laugh. They comfort me. They keep me going when I just want to give up. I have tears in my eyes just typing the words. I am so thankful for these two precious kiddos (even though I am scared to death that I am now their sole discipler, teacher, example, and {earthly}provider.) Oh, Father, teach me to love You with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength so that my children see You in all I do. Lord, save them! Adopt them! Let today be the day of salvation in our home!
Lord, I know there is a long road ahead. That road will be full of hard, happy, sad, scary, joyous, and awkward moments. Teach me to see Your hand in each moment, regardless of the feelings that will well up in me. Teach my body to sleep regularly, peacefully, and restfully. Teach me to start each day in You and to trust in You each moment of the day. Father, teach me how to live in such a way that no part of my life is wasted. Remove my selfishness far from me so my life can be poured out for others in order for Your name to be known. Speak to me and speak through me!
Overall, it was a good week. On top of birthdays, Sophie and I also got to be part of Fiddler on the Roof at HLGU. Sophie did a small dancing part and I helped with a little make up. We both enjoyed it and had fun! I am thankful for friends who stepped in and helped with Ethan, making it possible for me to help. I am still getting used to this whole single parent thing, which means adjusting schedules and things I do because there isn't always someone to watch my kids or something for them to do. I want to scream, "I wasn't built for this!" But, deep in my heart, I know that isn't true. If I truly believe that every one of my days was written in God's book before one of them was lived (Psalm 139), then I also have to believe that I AM built for this because God knew, before I was formed in my mother's womb, that this day would come. I don't feel this, so I must constantly remind myself of it.
The grief has been really up and down this week. I was told this would happen so I was expecting it. I had my first counseling appointment this week (it went really well and I felt so much lighter after going.) I had visits from three college friends this week. That was also refreshing! One friend lost her father when she was a little younger than Ethan and had such good, sweet, wise words for me and for my kids to help us through the hard days ahead of us. She filled me with such hope and joy.
Running is one thing that has been so much harder without Kevin. I totally didn't appreciate his flexibility and ability to watch the kids at pretty much any time of any day. That made running with the girls so much easier. I've gone from running with them 3 times a week to barely being able to make once a week work. Today was one of those running days. And I am sore. Because I did nothing in between the times I ran with them. Please tell me that one day I will pull it together and be able to make a running schedule work and the grief will subside enough that I'll eventually have the energy to exercise alone on the days I can't run with the girls.
One thing I wasn't really ready for is all the selfish moments and thoughts that I have had. I struggle to want to do fun things with my kids. I am tired and I'd just rather nap. It try to meet in the middle and we watch movies together (if you can consider my napping while the movie is playing watching together.) I've thrown myself several pity parties thinking that I'll never again get Mother's Day presents, birthday presents, or Christmas presents. Really? Like any of that matters to begin with and like my kids can't take initiative and do those things for me. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean they love me less or value me less. I am just allowing Satan to use these little things to distract me from trusting God, spending time with Him, and seeing the amazing things the Lord has done and is doing for us. This life isn't about me. It's not even about my kids. It's about Him. Father, help me to remember and live that.
I am still missing my ability to focus for longer periods of time. My prayer time and Bible study are suffering because I just can't focus. I pray more at random times, but the prayers are short and don't feel deep like I had just a few months ago. I take comfort in the truth that even when we have no words, the Spirit intercedes for us. I need that so badly now! I am also thankful for the army of friends, family, and even strangers (thank you, Social Media) who are storming the gates of heaven on our behalf every day. I truly can feel the prayers and they are keeping us going.
If I am being honest. there are days that there's no way I would ever get out of bed if I didn't have children I needed to care for each day. I am tired. Life is hard. I don't enjoy getting used to life without the man who has been my other half for the last 15 years. Sleep just sounds better. Oh, but the love and grace of God placed these two beautiful children in my life. They light up my days. They make me laugh. They comfort me. They keep me going when I just want to give up. I have tears in my eyes just typing the words. I am so thankful for these two precious kiddos (even though I am scared to death that I am now their sole discipler, teacher, example, and {earthly}provider.) Oh, Father, teach me to love You with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength so that my children see You in all I do. Lord, save them! Adopt them! Let today be the day of salvation in our home!
Lord, I know there is a long road ahead. That road will be full of hard, happy, sad, scary, joyous, and awkward moments. Teach me to see Your hand in each moment, regardless of the feelings that will well up in me. Teach my body to sleep regularly, peacefully, and restfully. Teach me to start each day in You and to trust in You each moment of the day. Father, teach me how to live in such a way that no part of my life is wasted. Remove my selfishness far from me so my life can be poured out for others in order for Your name to be known. Speak to me and speak through me!
April 03, 2016
Thank You Just Doesn't Seem Like Enough
You.All. This tribe called Calvary Baptist Church is just too much. Too.Much! Not only have they given food, money, hugs, screen doors, and more prayers than I could every possibly count, they knocked it out of the park this weekend fixing up our home. My kitchen and basement are amazing. I can actually see in the bathroom. The new paint is perfect! It's all just too.much. I have no idea how in the world to thank everyone. To be honest, I don't even know who or how many people were involved, so I don't know who to even thank!
My dear Calvary family: thank you for loving God and loving people. Thank you for doing both well! Your words and your deeds speak volumes to me about how deeply you love our Savior and our family. I am blown away by how well you are taking care of our every need. I am so sorry that over the last year or so you've had to learn how to grieve well with others, but I am thankful you were such fast and diligent learners. What you did in my home this weekend is just beyond words! I seriously felt like I was on an episode of Fixer Upper! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I forgot to take before pictures and, sadly, many of you probably didn't see it in person (hospitality is NOT my gift. In fact, the thought of having people in my home almost makes me break out in hives. God has really stretched me in the last three weeks!) so you won't know the true amazing work that these men and women did, but I do want you to see the end result of their hard work. It's beautiful! And it just might make me like hospitality!
Enjoy these beautiful pictures and join me in thanking all those who were here and made this possible!
My dear Calvary family: thank you for loving God and loving people. Thank you for doing both well! Your words and your deeds speak volumes to me about how deeply you love our Savior and our family. I am blown away by how well you are taking care of our every need. I am so sorry that over the last year or so you've had to learn how to grieve well with others, but I am thankful you were such fast and diligent learners. What you did in my home this weekend is just beyond words! I seriously felt like I was on an episode of Fixer Upper! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I forgot to take before pictures and, sadly, many of you probably didn't see it in person (hospitality is NOT my gift. In fact, the thought of having people in my home almost makes me break out in hives. God has really stretched me in the last three weeks!) so you won't know the true amazing work that these men and women did, but I do want you to see the end result of their hard work. It's beautiful! And it just might make me like hospitality!
Enjoy these beautiful pictures and join me in thanking all those who were here and made this possible!
This might just be my favorite thing! This is my eucharisteo (giving thanks with JOY) wall where we'll be able to count all the grace upon grace God lavishes on us!
Three of the four dining room walls used to be green. I love the new color!
New bathroom vent, new color on the wall, new ceiling, and they super cleaned the tub.
Is this not totally beautiful? Kevin bought this tile 3 or 4 years ago to put in the kitchen, but he never got around to it. They put it in this weekend. I LOVE IT!
They even put a fresh coat of paint on the kitchen cabinets. This tribe is just too much!
That flooring. I just...I can't even!
Is this not just gorgeous?!?!?! (That video chair was Kevin's from high school. The kids love it! I can't even believe it's still in one piece.)
Sophie is pretty excited to have a spot to dance! I am thankful for a spot to exercise when I can't run with the girls. And that bookshelf. Kevin built that for me to hold our school stuff.
I love that I have a new shower curtain! Ethan helped me pick it out, so we got the feminine design with a strong, manly color.
So, Kevin used to have his hair gel sitting next to the faucet at the sink. Everyone always used it thinking it was hand soap. No one will make that mistake anymore!
Father, thank You for the blessing of this amazing church family. We have done nothing to deserve the love that they have lavished on us, but I am overwhelmed with gratitude for it. Bless their obedience. Bless their sacrifice. Teach us to use this space they have so lovingly provided for us to honor and glorify You at all times. Lord, use the way our church loves You and loves people to change this community in Your name.
March 28, 2016
Random Thoughts From My Grieving Heart
Some of the things I've come to really miss in the last 18 days:
Sitting down at the end of the day to watch television with Kevin.
Hearing Kevin chat and read to the kids before bed each night.
Hearing Kevin read scripture and lead our family devotions at breakfast each morning.
Crying real tears and crying out to God with Kevin as we begged God for deliverance from addiction and depression.
Laying hands on Kevin to pray for him.
The pile of dirty clothes he always left in front of the closet.
Listening to the kids tell daddy about their day.
Lunch dates.
Convincing him to take the afternoon off so we can have family time in Quincy.
The way he insisted that the kids always clean off their dishes and put them in the dishwasher, but his dishes would sit in the sink, unrinsed.
The way he loved to surprise me by deep cleaning the kitchen when I was gone.
The way he always hung his towels up on the closet doors in our bedroom.
Hearing him tell the kids how much he loved them and how proud he was of them each night.
Listening to his terribly corny jokes.
They way he could sit and play guitar for hours, making it all up as he went along.
The hours he would sit and listen and play until he could replicate any guitar lead or solo
.
The way he lovingly joked about my obsession with Josh and Donna (TWW) as if they were real people.
He loved that I love and always cry at series finales.
He always believed in me. 100% . In his mind, there was absolutely nothing creative or on stage that I couldn't do.
That mischievous grin that always drove me crazy!
His constant care and concern for the kids and I.
He always cleaned up puke without complaining.
He was the tooth puller.
He was mine.
Some of the things that almost paralyze me with fear:
I am the only parent they have left. My failures affect them times two.
Both kids have birthdays next week. He won't be there.
His birthday is at the end of the month. He won't be there.
I know nothing about running a business, yet now I have one that I have to run, at least for a time.
Having pictures and memories that he's not in.
Making a will.
Working. Homeschooling. Discipling our children
.
All of the simple things that now send me into a panic.
Truth I am clinging to right now:
Psalm 139: All of my days were written in His book before even one of them were lived. He is in control and nothing that has happened or will happen takes God by surprise.
Christ's resurrection gives me the only hope I have that there is more to this life. It is the hope that Kevin is at His feet and that one day I will be there with Him. I pray each day that salvation will come to our children and they will join us there.
God loves my children more than I could ever possibly imagine. He is mighty to save and He desires their salvation and an eternity in heaven with Him.
God answers prayers. Those answers are not always what we hope for, but He always answers in a way that will bring Him glory. Kevin's death was the answer to our prayers, our desperate pleas for healing and freedom. God will receive honor and glory through his death. His story is redeemed and God will use me, even in my pain, if I am willing to lay my life in His hands.
God provides. The ways He provides are varied and crazy and amazing and spectacular and small and big, but He always provides.
Heaven is a place of eternal worship and joy. No tears. No death. No regret. No pain. I don't think this was the answer Kevin was expecting to his prayer any more than I was, but I promise you he is not looking down at us through some heavenly picture window feeling sad for us or wishing he could be here with us. He is worshiping His Savior. At His feet. In His presence. Eternally. Hallelujah!
Jesus is Hosanna! He is salvation and He is here. There's no need to worry He won't come. HE IS HERE!
Sitting down at the end of the day to watch television with Kevin.
Hearing Kevin chat and read to the kids before bed each night.
Hearing Kevin read scripture and lead our family devotions at breakfast each morning.
Crying real tears and crying out to God with Kevin as we begged God for deliverance from addiction and depression.
Laying hands on Kevin to pray for him.
The pile of dirty clothes he always left in front of the closet.
Listening to the kids tell daddy about their day.
Lunch dates.
Convincing him to take the afternoon off so we can have family time in Quincy.
The way he insisted that the kids always clean off their dishes and put them in the dishwasher, but his dishes would sit in the sink, unrinsed.
The way he loved to surprise me by deep cleaning the kitchen when I was gone.
The way he always hung his towels up on the closet doors in our bedroom.
Hearing him tell the kids how much he loved them and how proud he was of them each night.
Listening to his terribly corny jokes.
They way he could sit and play guitar for hours, making it all up as he went along.
The hours he would sit and listen and play until he could replicate any guitar lead or solo
.
The way he lovingly joked about my obsession with Josh and Donna (TWW) as if they were real people.
He loved that I love and always cry at series finales.
He always believed in me. 100% . In his mind, there was absolutely nothing creative or on stage that I couldn't do.
That mischievous grin that always drove me crazy!
His constant care and concern for the kids and I.
He always cleaned up puke without complaining.
He was the tooth puller.
He was mine.
Some of the things that almost paralyze me with fear:
I am the only parent they have left. My failures affect them times two.
Both kids have birthdays next week. He won't be there.
His birthday is at the end of the month. He won't be there.
I know nothing about running a business, yet now I have one that I have to run, at least for a time.
Having pictures and memories that he's not in.
Making a will.
Working. Homeschooling. Discipling our children
.
All of the simple things that now send me into a panic.
Truth I am clinging to right now:
Psalm 139: All of my days were written in His book before even one of them were lived. He is in control and nothing that has happened or will happen takes God by surprise.
Christ's resurrection gives me the only hope I have that there is more to this life. It is the hope that Kevin is at His feet and that one day I will be there with Him. I pray each day that salvation will come to our children and they will join us there.
God loves my children more than I could ever possibly imagine. He is mighty to save and He desires their salvation and an eternity in heaven with Him.
God answers prayers. Those answers are not always what we hope for, but He always answers in a way that will bring Him glory. Kevin's death was the answer to our prayers, our desperate pleas for healing and freedom. God will receive honor and glory through his death. His story is redeemed and God will use me, even in my pain, if I am willing to lay my life in His hands.
God provides. The ways He provides are varied and crazy and amazing and spectacular and small and big, but He always provides.
Heaven is a place of eternal worship and joy. No tears. No death. No regret. No pain. I don't think this was the answer Kevin was expecting to his prayer any more than I was, but I promise you he is not looking down at us through some heavenly picture window feeling sad for us or wishing he could be here with us. He is worshiping His Savior. At His feet. In His presence. Eternally. Hallelujah!
Jesus is Hosanna! He is salvation and He is here. There's no need to worry He won't come. HE IS HERE!
March 23, 2016
As Much of My Heart as My Mind Will Let Me Share Today....
Forgiveness is hard. Forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness is impossible, apart from God's grace. I am so thankful for God's perfect, whole, complete forgiveness. I wish humans were capable of that. But, let's face it. We aren't. The best we can do is to lay it at Jesus' feet and do our best to leave it there. To do our best to not use that thing we've said we forgive as a weapon against the one we love. Sometimes what is hardest is to accept Christ's forgiveness, lay that thing in the past, and then move on. It's done. It's time to dust yourself off, pick up the pieces, grab hold of His grace, and move forward. Yet, that's so hard to do. Some days, it feels impossible! It hurts, it's hard, and it's so necessary. Father, help me to lean into and grab hold of Your forgiveness in my life. Help me to be one that lavishes forgiveness on others.
Being part of the body of Christ is hard, messy, tiring, joyous, exciting, and scary. It takes work. People don't really tell you that. They don't tell you that you have to keep calling, hang in there, ask questions, dive in, get messy, laugh together, cry together, suffer together, forgive each other. It is tiring to do well. I am not up for this task. I am not built for this task. But, with God, it's not only possible, but it happens. I have been on the receiving end of this and it's beautiful. Messy, ugly, beautiful. Oh, Father, give me Your heart for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Give me Your eyes to see them and Your heart to love them. Help me to be Your hands and feet.
Addiction sucks. There's no way around that fact. It's confusing, mean, harsh, and a thief of pretty much everything. And there's no going back. Even those who are recovering addicts will never get their "before" life back. They, and none of their loved ones, will never be the same. Addiction is cruel and I am convinced it's one of Satan's greatest strategies. It pulls you, and your loved ones, off their game, diverts their attention, and makes it hard to see how there could possibly be a loving and merciful God in the midst of this kind of suffering. And so many suffer alone because it is so misunderstood. Trust me, I am no expert, but there is so much more to this disease (and it IS a disease) than we will ever be able to comprehend. It's not about will power or self-control. It's about this amazing, complicated, scientists still don't understand brain that God gave us. It can be helped and treated, but may not ever be the same again. It's a lifetime of having to give up privacy for the sake of saving your life. Who wants to do that? That's what makes it so hard. For many, to fight this battle means giving up friends and family who won't encourage or help. Those who do have friends and family willing to help, it's hard to give your privacy and pride to let down the needed walls and let them help. Those that choose to help, it's a long hard road. It means making yourself vulnerable to this person who needs your help so much. It means sticking with them, even on days when the desire is bad or they just want privacy. It means not giving up when that's all you really want to do. It's ugly, messy, real, and one of the greatest earthly pictures of what God, in His grace, has done for us. It's one of the greatest earthly pictures of the spiritual battle that is happening all around us, that our eyes can't see. It's real, harsh, and seemingly unending (though Christ's return will put an end to all of it, amen!!)
Why is it so hard to open up and be truly honest with each other? I mean, none of us are perfect, we all have sin in our lives, and we all need Jesus. Doesn't that put us all on even ground? Ah, but that whole comparison trap. We only see the outside, in little snippets here and there, and we're convinced that no one else struggles. Everyone else has it all together and we're the only ones drowning. THIS IS JUST NOT TRUE! If we would all be honest and share truth with each other (admittedly, you don't have to share every gritty detail with every person. Find that one, "your person", in whom you can confide and with whom you can have accountability and celebrate those highs and to whom to can admit your lows) how much more encouraging would we be to one another? (And how much more hope would a lost world see when they see that we are people, just like they are, who struggle but have Christ as our anchor!) Isn't it such an encouragement to know that someone else has rolled in the same (or similar) mud and lived to tell about it? Isn't it awesome to see how God works in the lives of others? I know that's always encouraging to me (unless I let that comparison monster take over, again!) Another thing that struck me while driving yesterday is that, sometimes, I think the reason we aren't honest with each other is because we associate, and assume others do, too, blessing and an easy life with a sinless life. Meaning, if we share our struggles with others they'll assume we've sinned in some big way and this is our punishment. NEWSFLASH: We all sin. We all receive punishment for sin. But we also know that we have an enemy who is roaming around like a lion seeking those he can destroy. He'll do that any way he can and sometimes, that means throwing a wrench in our lives. Why suffer privately when you can share and be loved on and encouraged as we were meant to be? (I am totally preaching to myself here!) I love this song and I always thought of it in regard to marriage, but as I was listening to it yesterday I was struck by this thought, "This should be an anthem of the church. This is how we are to love our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, whether they are in our building or halfway around the world." Listen to If You Fall by JJ Heller We must fight with and for one another. I am so blessed to know many in my life who do this well. It doesn't always feel good. It doesn't always look beautiful, in the world's terms. But, in God's terms, it's quite possibly one of the most beautiful things we humans can do-listen, love, show grace, and point to Christ. Oh, Father, help me to be one who is brave and honest with my joys and my struggles. Use my pain to encourage others that You are faithful, loving, merciful, and You alone are salvation. Lord, help me to step up alongside others who are hurting to be Your hands and feet in their lives. Let me be a reflection of Your love and grace in their lives each day.
Some days the feeling of unworthiness nearly swallows me whole. Please tell me I am not the only one Satan messes with in this way. He totally deceives my mind into thinking that there's no way I can be useful. No way I can be encouraging to others. No way that I should be doing any of the ministry that I am doing. That I have no right to worship, love on others, or ask others for prayer. That I need to walk away and let others leave because I have no place, in my mostly tattered and rag tag condition, It puts me in a panic and raises my blood pressure. It makes me just want to lay in bed, eat chocolate, and cry. But when I open myself up, cry out to God, and share with Him honestly He whispers to me who I really am. In Him. I am equipped through Christ with every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1:3). I am chosen in Him before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4). I am regarded as holy and blameless before Him (Eph. 1:4). I am adopted through the kind intention of His will (Eph. 1:5). I am redeemed, forgiven, and lavished with grace (Eph. 1:7-8). I am the recipient of a glorious inheritance in heaven (Eph. 1:11). I am secured forever by the Holy Spirit of promise (Eph. 1:13-14). (This list can be found, with much more, in Priscilla Shirer's book Fervant.) And so much more! When I truly turn these feelings of unworthiness over to Christ, He shows me who I really am, reminds me of how much I've grown, and reminds me that my worship and my service are so much sweeter, honest, and personal these days (even if sometimes it's all more a sacrifice of praise than an offering of joy.)
I love music. I love the way it speaks to me, encourages me, lifts my attitude, and points me in the right direction. I love how just the right song coming on turns the whole van into a dance party! So, I thought I'd share some of the music that has meant the most to me (and has been on constant repeat) over the last 6 months or so. Click on the links and then do yourself a favor and get the music. I promise you won't regret it:
Mercy Me: Greater
Mercy Me: Finish What He Started
Christy Nockels: Already All I Need
Christy Nockels: Jesus, Rock of Ages (OK, this ENTIRE album is one you just need to buy! You will be in true worship with each song. Look it up: Christy Nockels "Let It Be Jesus". You can thank me later!) ;)
The Rend Collective Experiment: JOY
The Rend Collective Experiment: More Than Conquerors
The Rend Collective Experiment: Every Giant Will Fall (OK, let's be honest, do yourself a favor and purchase every song Rend Collective has ever recorded. Best.decision.ever.)
JJ Heller: I Believe
Andrew Peterson: The Rain Keeps Falling (This song, more than any other I have heard, truly expresses what it's like to be trapped in addiction, depression, or grief as a Christian, wanting out, but the lesson isn't over and the stone isn't rolling away from in front of the tomb. LISTEN TO THIS! Then, get the entire CD, "The Burning Edge of Dawn".)
Being part of the body of Christ is hard, messy, tiring, joyous, exciting, and scary. It takes work. People don't really tell you that. They don't tell you that you have to keep calling, hang in there, ask questions, dive in, get messy, laugh together, cry together, suffer together, forgive each other. It is tiring to do well. I am not up for this task. I am not built for this task. But, with God, it's not only possible, but it happens. I have been on the receiving end of this and it's beautiful. Messy, ugly, beautiful. Oh, Father, give me Your heart for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Give me Your eyes to see them and Your heart to love them. Help me to be Your hands and feet.
Addiction sucks. There's no way around that fact. It's confusing, mean, harsh, and a thief of pretty much everything. And there's no going back. Even those who are recovering addicts will never get their "before" life back. They, and none of their loved ones, will never be the same. Addiction is cruel and I am convinced it's one of Satan's greatest strategies. It pulls you, and your loved ones, off their game, diverts their attention, and makes it hard to see how there could possibly be a loving and merciful God in the midst of this kind of suffering. And so many suffer alone because it is so misunderstood. Trust me, I am no expert, but there is so much more to this disease (and it IS a disease) than we will ever be able to comprehend. It's not about will power or self-control. It's about this amazing, complicated, scientists still don't understand brain that God gave us. It can be helped and treated, but may not ever be the same again. It's a lifetime of having to give up privacy for the sake of saving your life. Who wants to do that? That's what makes it so hard. For many, to fight this battle means giving up friends and family who won't encourage or help. Those who do have friends and family willing to help, it's hard to give your privacy and pride to let down the needed walls and let them help. Those that choose to help, it's a long hard road. It means making yourself vulnerable to this person who needs your help so much. It means sticking with them, even on days when the desire is bad or they just want privacy. It means not giving up when that's all you really want to do. It's ugly, messy, real, and one of the greatest earthly pictures of what God, in His grace, has done for us. It's one of the greatest earthly pictures of the spiritual battle that is happening all around us, that our eyes can't see. It's real, harsh, and seemingly unending (though Christ's return will put an end to all of it, amen!!)
Why is it so hard to open up and be truly honest with each other? I mean, none of us are perfect, we all have sin in our lives, and we all need Jesus. Doesn't that put us all on even ground? Ah, but that whole comparison trap. We only see the outside, in little snippets here and there, and we're convinced that no one else struggles. Everyone else has it all together and we're the only ones drowning. THIS IS JUST NOT TRUE! If we would all be honest and share truth with each other (admittedly, you don't have to share every gritty detail with every person. Find that one, "your person", in whom you can confide and with whom you can have accountability and celebrate those highs and to whom to can admit your lows) how much more encouraging would we be to one another? (And how much more hope would a lost world see when they see that we are people, just like they are, who struggle but have Christ as our anchor!) Isn't it such an encouragement to know that someone else has rolled in the same (or similar) mud and lived to tell about it? Isn't it awesome to see how God works in the lives of others? I know that's always encouraging to me (unless I let that comparison monster take over, again!) Another thing that struck me while driving yesterday is that, sometimes, I think the reason we aren't honest with each other is because we associate, and assume others do, too, blessing and an easy life with a sinless life. Meaning, if we share our struggles with others they'll assume we've sinned in some big way and this is our punishment. NEWSFLASH: We all sin. We all receive punishment for sin. But we also know that we have an enemy who is roaming around like a lion seeking those he can destroy. He'll do that any way he can and sometimes, that means throwing a wrench in our lives. Why suffer privately when you can share and be loved on and encouraged as we were meant to be? (I am totally preaching to myself here!) I love this song and I always thought of it in regard to marriage, but as I was listening to it yesterday I was struck by this thought, "This should be an anthem of the church. This is how we are to love our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, whether they are in our building or halfway around the world." Listen to If You Fall by JJ Heller We must fight with and for one another. I am so blessed to know many in my life who do this well. It doesn't always feel good. It doesn't always look beautiful, in the world's terms. But, in God's terms, it's quite possibly one of the most beautiful things we humans can do-listen, love, show grace, and point to Christ. Oh, Father, help me to be one who is brave and honest with my joys and my struggles. Use my pain to encourage others that You are faithful, loving, merciful, and You alone are salvation. Lord, help me to step up alongside others who are hurting to be Your hands and feet in their lives. Let me be a reflection of Your love and grace in their lives each day.
Some days the feeling of unworthiness nearly swallows me whole. Please tell me I am not the only one Satan messes with in this way. He totally deceives my mind into thinking that there's no way I can be useful. No way I can be encouraging to others. No way that I should be doing any of the ministry that I am doing. That I have no right to worship, love on others, or ask others for prayer. That I need to walk away and let others leave because I have no place, in my mostly tattered and rag tag condition, It puts me in a panic and raises my blood pressure. It makes me just want to lay in bed, eat chocolate, and cry. But when I open myself up, cry out to God, and share with Him honestly He whispers to me who I really am. In Him. I am equipped through Christ with every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1:3). I am chosen in Him before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4). I am regarded as holy and blameless before Him (Eph. 1:4). I am adopted through the kind intention of His will (Eph. 1:5). I am redeemed, forgiven, and lavished with grace (Eph. 1:7-8). I am the recipient of a glorious inheritance in heaven (Eph. 1:11). I am secured forever by the Holy Spirit of promise (Eph. 1:13-14). (This list can be found, with much more, in Priscilla Shirer's book Fervant.) And so much more! When I truly turn these feelings of unworthiness over to Christ, He shows me who I really am, reminds me of how much I've grown, and reminds me that my worship and my service are so much sweeter, honest, and personal these days (even if sometimes it's all more a sacrifice of praise than an offering of joy.)
I love music. I love the way it speaks to me, encourages me, lifts my attitude, and points me in the right direction. I love how just the right song coming on turns the whole van into a dance party! So, I thought I'd share some of the music that has meant the most to me (and has been on constant repeat) over the last 6 months or so. Click on the links and then do yourself a favor and get the music. I promise you won't regret it:
Mercy Me: Greater
Mercy Me: Finish What He Started
Christy Nockels: Already All I Need
Christy Nockels: Jesus, Rock of Ages (OK, this ENTIRE album is one you just need to buy! You will be in true worship with each song. Look it up: Christy Nockels "Let It Be Jesus". You can thank me later!) ;)
The Rend Collective Experiment: JOY
The Rend Collective Experiment: More Than Conquerors
The Rend Collective Experiment: Every Giant Will Fall (OK, let's be honest, do yourself a favor and purchase every song Rend Collective has ever recorded. Best.decision.ever.)
JJ Heller: I Believe
Andrew Peterson: The Rain Keeps Falling (This song, more than any other I have heard, truly expresses what it's like to be trapped in addiction, depression, or grief as a Christian, wanting out, but the lesson isn't over and the stone isn't rolling away from in front of the tomb. LISTEN TO THIS! Then, get the entire CD, "The Burning Edge of Dawn".)
August 25, 2015
Confessions of a Mediocre (at best) Homeschooling Mom
I hope this post will make you smile, take a deep breath, and see that things aren't as scary or as overwhelming as they may first seem when taking on the task of homeschooling your children. If this is your first year, know that there are many ups and downs, but if I can do it and keep my kids alive, so can you! If you're a veteran, you've probably lived all this and more! Sit back, enjoy reading, have a few laughs, and start a list of all the things you can praise God for, even if today was the worst school day you've ever had!
--My kids make their own breakfasts probably 4 days a week. Once, maybe twice, a week I make them a nice, homemade breakfast (which they usually don't want to eat), but other than that it's cereal, pop tarts, toast, and frozen waffles. This used to really stress me out (and still does at times), but I was wearing myself ragged trying to come up with the perfect, healthy breakfast for my kids and I just couldn't do it. I hope to one day be a little more prepared and get things together the night before and give them stellar breakfasts, but today is not that day. For today, we're striving for all being at the breakfast table at the same time, enjoying the independence of my kids being able to make their own food, laughing at the creativity of my kids as we chat during breakfast, and reading the Bible together while we eat our Pop Tarts and waffles.
--I don't set an alarm for my kids. Unless we have to be somewhere in the morning, I don't even wake them up in the mornings, I just wait for them to wake up. My kids are grumpy if you have to wake them up and that's just not a battle I want to fight right now. I know this will need to change one day as their future employers will expect them to be at work on time and most likely before 10 a.m., but I choose to worry about that another day. Today I am enjoying a few quiet moments in the morning without having to be awake at the crack of dawn, sneaking snuggles, and even sleeping in myself some days!
--I have no lesson plan. I don't look at the school year, plan out what we're doing when, and then carry it out. I tried that. We were all miserable. I had a schedule that was color-coded and timed. And we hated it. We were slaves to it. It had to go. Admittedly, I may have swung too far to the other end and we now have no schedule at all. We have a few routines that we usually do each morning, but they aren't set in stone. We actually do three subjects during breakfast. While they are eating. And I have no idea if they are even paying attention. But, they're pretty smart, so I think we're OK! I usually sit down on Saturday or Sunday evening and copy the pages I'd like to get done for the week (thank goodness my curriculum all has some kind of lesson plans built into them.) I don't write down any assignments until they have actually been completed because, well, why write it and then have to erase it later when we didn't get it, right? It sounds purely chaotic, but for today, it's working for us. Every day is different from the one before and the kids never have any idea what is next. It's the closest thing I get to surprising them!
--To you veteran homeschoolers this will be no surprise, but some days, I don't enjoy homeschooling! Some days I would much rather send them off to school and then head off to a job outside of my house. It just sounds easier. But deep down, I know this isn't true. But sometimes I just crave time to myself, even if it's in my car for just 10 minutes so I can listen to music, sing loudly, and pretend that I sound just like Christy Nockels while I'm belting out Let It Be Jesus. There have been weeks at a time that it takes everything in me not to just shut down completely, let them watch movies all day, and I take naps and read blogs all day. I mean, a real struggle. It's a wonder we've gotten any school done at all. But, then I remember how fun it has been to be there for some of their biggest moments: learning how to read, getting a math problem they really struggled with, creating silly art pieces, reading their Bible alone for the first time, and so much more. It's so worth it (and teachers, I hope that those moments of victory in your classrooms outweigh the moments of frustration and defeat.)
--My kids watch movies. The Magic School Bus counts as science. Mr. Peabody and Sherman counts as history. Pretty much all the PBS shows have some kind of math in them. Some days, I just have to. Some days I cannot "school" anymore. It also means that when the teacher is sick, we can still get some school hours in. Or, when the students are sick, we can still get some school hours in. Most days, I feel so guilty about this. I feel like a total bum and loser when I add up the hours I let my kids watch TV or play a game on their tabs. But on days like yesterday, I'm thankful for them. The kids pretty much taught the entire science lesson yesterday on the different ocean zones because of an episode of Wild Kratts they watched the week before. Seriously! They really are learning from their TV shows!
--Time to be honest: I've learned that the only way I get a quiet time in is by forcing my children to have a quiet time at the same time. Oh, how I pray this doesn't make them hate reading God's word. I've done my best to make it exciting and fun for them, but for 30 minutes every morning we each go to our own rooms with our own Bibles and have quiet time. Until I started doing this there was no consistency at all with my quiet times. I hope to work up to a longer time at some point, but today, I am thankful for the 30 minutes it's giving me each day in the Word by doing things this way.
--I love to read. I love books. I have two children home with me all day and can hardly find 5 free minutes for reading. Enter read alone time for 30 minutes each afternoon. Each of us go to our own room and read, whatever we want, for 30 minutes. This is genius! Why didn't I think of this before! I look so forward to this time every day. Sometimes it doesn't happen until almost dinner time, but it's still one of my favorite parts of the day!
--One of the hardest things for me, though, has nothing to do with homeschooling. I am sure many of you out there have this trouble: putting your kids in God's hands and leaving them there, trusting that He loves them more than I do and wants only the best for them. Trusting that, as much I ache for their salvation, it doesn't compare to God's desire to see them come to Him. There's nothing better that I can do for them than teach them Jesus, live Jesus in front of them, make God and His Word as real as possible to them, and trust that God will do what only God can do, change their hearts and lives.
Father, help me to be the wife, mother, and teacher You would have me to be. Help me to point my children to You at all times. Give me wisdom and grace for each day. Remind me that there's no such thing as perfection, which means that I must trust in and lean on You alone. Father, help me to see the joy, laughter, and gift of each day You give me. Help me to breathe deeply of You love, mercy, and grace that I may then breathe that out into my house as I seek to serve my family and You. Oh, Father, do great things in my house, in our school, and in our lives!
--My kids make their own breakfasts probably 4 days a week. Once, maybe twice, a week I make them a nice, homemade breakfast (which they usually don't want to eat), but other than that it's cereal, pop tarts, toast, and frozen waffles. This used to really stress me out (and still does at times), but I was wearing myself ragged trying to come up with the perfect, healthy breakfast for my kids and I just couldn't do it. I hope to one day be a little more prepared and get things together the night before and give them stellar breakfasts, but today is not that day. For today, we're striving for all being at the breakfast table at the same time, enjoying the independence of my kids being able to make their own food, laughing at the creativity of my kids as we chat during breakfast, and reading the Bible together while we eat our Pop Tarts and waffles.
--I don't set an alarm for my kids. Unless we have to be somewhere in the morning, I don't even wake them up in the mornings, I just wait for them to wake up. My kids are grumpy if you have to wake them up and that's just not a battle I want to fight right now. I know this will need to change one day as their future employers will expect them to be at work on time and most likely before 10 a.m., but I choose to worry about that another day. Today I am enjoying a few quiet moments in the morning without having to be awake at the crack of dawn, sneaking snuggles, and even sleeping in myself some days!
--I have no lesson plan. I don't look at the school year, plan out what we're doing when, and then carry it out. I tried that. We were all miserable. I had a schedule that was color-coded and timed. And we hated it. We were slaves to it. It had to go. Admittedly, I may have swung too far to the other end and we now have no schedule at all. We have a few routines that we usually do each morning, but they aren't set in stone. We actually do three subjects during breakfast. While they are eating. And I have no idea if they are even paying attention. But, they're pretty smart, so I think we're OK! I usually sit down on Saturday or Sunday evening and copy the pages I'd like to get done for the week (thank goodness my curriculum all has some kind of lesson plans built into them.) I don't write down any assignments until they have actually been completed because, well, why write it and then have to erase it later when we didn't get it, right? It sounds purely chaotic, but for today, it's working for us. Every day is different from the one before and the kids never have any idea what is next. It's the closest thing I get to surprising them!
--To you veteran homeschoolers this will be no surprise, but some days, I don't enjoy homeschooling! Some days I would much rather send them off to school and then head off to a job outside of my house. It just sounds easier. But deep down, I know this isn't true. But sometimes I just crave time to myself, even if it's in my car for just 10 minutes so I can listen to music, sing loudly, and pretend that I sound just like Christy Nockels while I'm belting out Let It Be Jesus. There have been weeks at a time that it takes everything in me not to just shut down completely, let them watch movies all day, and I take naps and read blogs all day. I mean, a real struggle. It's a wonder we've gotten any school done at all. But, then I remember how fun it has been to be there for some of their biggest moments: learning how to read, getting a math problem they really struggled with, creating silly art pieces, reading their Bible alone for the first time, and so much more. It's so worth it (and teachers, I hope that those moments of victory in your classrooms outweigh the moments of frustration and defeat.)
--My kids watch movies. The Magic School Bus counts as science. Mr. Peabody and Sherman counts as history. Pretty much all the PBS shows have some kind of math in them. Some days, I just have to. Some days I cannot "school" anymore. It also means that when the teacher is sick, we can still get some school hours in. Or, when the students are sick, we can still get some school hours in. Most days, I feel so guilty about this. I feel like a total bum and loser when I add up the hours I let my kids watch TV or play a game on their tabs. But on days like yesterday, I'm thankful for them. The kids pretty much taught the entire science lesson yesterday on the different ocean zones because of an episode of Wild Kratts they watched the week before. Seriously! They really are learning from their TV shows!
--Time to be honest: I've learned that the only way I get a quiet time in is by forcing my children to have a quiet time at the same time. Oh, how I pray this doesn't make them hate reading God's word. I've done my best to make it exciting and fun for them, but for 30 minutes every morning we each go to our own rooms with our own Bibles and have quiet time. Until I started doing this there was no consistency at all with my quiet times. I hope to work up to a longer time at some point, but today, I am thankful for the 30 minutes it's giving me each day in the Word by doing things this way.
--I love to read. I love books. I have two children home with me all day and can hardly find 5 free minutes for reading. Enter read alone time for 30 minutes each afternoon. Each of us go to our own room and read, whatever we want, for 30 minutes. This is genius! Why didn't I think of this before! I look so forward to this time every day. Sometimes it doesn't happen until almost dinner time, but it's still one of my favorite parts of the day!
--One of the hardest things for me, though, has nothing to do with homeschooling. I am sure many of you out there have this trouble: putting your kids in God's hands and leaving them there, trusting that He loves them more than I do and wants only the best for them. Trusting that, as much I ache for their salvation, it doesn't compare to God's desire to see them come to Him. There's nothing better that I can do for them than teach them Jesus, live Jesus in front of them, make God and His Word as real as possible to them, and trust that God will do what only God can do, change their hearts and lives.
Father, help me to be the wife, mother, and teacher You would have me to be. Help me to point my children to You at all times. Give me wisdom and grace for each day. Remind me that there's no such thing as perfection, which means that I must trust in and lean on You alone. Father, help me to see the joy, laughter, and gift of each day You give me. Help me to breathe deeply of You love, mercy, and grace that I may then breathe that out into my house as I seek to serve my family and You. Oh, Father, do great things in my house, in our school, and in our lives!
July 21, 2015
90 Days
90 days. 3 months. In the light of eternity, it's such a tiny amount of time, yet, so much can happen in that short amount of time. In the last 90 days our family has: cried many ugly tears, been completely bewildered, tried to give up, fought hard to stay alive and together, cried out in anguished "old testament hosanna" prayers (desperate cries for rescue before the waves crash over our heads), briefly declared "some days, for better or worse really sucks", spent many sleepless nights, tried not to give into fear, struggled to praise God with every breath, searched hard to find God in the midst of the mess, let thousands of silent tears slip down our face, looked to the future with fear and uncertainty, seen tears turn to laughter, hugged each other a little tighter, learned to face life one day at a time, leaned heavily on sweet friends, seen "old testament hosannas" turn to "modern day hosannas" (desperate pleas for help becoming loud declarations that our Salvation is already here), learned just how much we don't know about the human brain, seen God's hand of healing, felt God's hand of grace, been given God's peace, been thankful that our plans to give up were thwarted by a God who loves us more than we can imagine, heard God whisper to us through our children, watched God change (every so slightly) our children's hearts toward others and prayer, been given a deeper understanding of God's sovereignty, learned a lot more about truly living eucharisteo every day (giving thanks with JOY), deepened our love for one another, had our appreciation and love for "for better or worse" increased, had our faith and trust in the only One who can see and provide increased, had our prayer lives drastically increased and blessed, and are now looking to the future with hope and joy!
Life has been hard. It's had it's ups and downs. BUT GOD! He's been there every step of the way. He led, guided, comforted, and provided. Father, thank You! Thank You for holding us and getting us through. Thank you for being our hope and salvation. Thank you for redemption and restoration. Continue to lead us, guide us, strengthen us, and keep us focused on You at all times. The days are brighter, but the struggles will always come and go. Help us to be content in You alone and trust You alone. Help us not to waiver in our faith when the hard times come. Let our lives declare You boldly. Let that speak loudly to our children. Use this crazy, messy, ugly beautiful mess of our lives to draw our children and others to You.
January 28, 2015
Confessions of a Stay at Home, Homeschooling Mom of 2 Who Isn't as Extroverted as You Think
- I am not the perfect wife and mother by a long shot. I'm not good at keeping the kitchen or the bathroom clean. Clean laundry sits in baskets for weeks. I can't even tell you the last time I actually mopped the floors. We were home from Christmas break for two weeks before I turned on a vacuum. My sink is usually full of dishes (and I have a dishwasher.) But, I must remember that, even though I fail at many things, my home is warm, there is food on the table, and clothes on our backs. Oh, Lord, help me to get better in my areas of weakness and use those weaknesses to draw me closer to You.
- School around here isn't perfect. There are days we don't ever even get to "actual" school work. Some days we are just barely eking by to get through to the end of the day. Some days, I live for bedtime. But, I must remember that most days, I can't wait to dig into history and science. I can't wait to hear my kids quoting scripture and see the creative things they draw. Many times they learn more in those every day moments than they'll ever learn in books and worksheets. Oh, Father, help me to see the joy in each moment. Give me an excitement for school as it leads us closer to You by studying the world You've given us. Let each day be one that is full of the wonder of You!
- Being really honest, there are days I just wish I could go to work. To spend a day with adults doing real things that make a real difference right in the moment. I want to have moments of my day focused on something other than housework or things I don't do well. I want that satisfaction of knowing others are counting on me and need me to get things done. (Selfish, much?!?!?!?) To be known as someone other than "Sophie and Ethan's mom." But, then I remember that this dull, long, ordinary work I do in my home does make a difference, even if I never see it. I am reminded that there are many parents who grieve not being able to spend more time with their children, so I must be grateful for the time I have with them. Oh, Lord, help me to see the joy, beauty, and importance of the ordinary, every day tasks You've given me right here in my home. Help me to find my identity in You, not in what I do, where I go, or the people I am around.
- As many theatre and music people (at least that I know) are, I am nowhere near as confident in real life as I may appear on the stage (which is why I am so much better at playing lower-level, shy characters.) I would stay in my house at all times and never leave if at all possible (and if Gran Rio would deliver.) It takes all of my energy and effort to mingle and be part of a crowd. I love that so many conferences are now streaming live so I can watch them at home and not have to sit in a crowd of thousands of people in order to participate. But, then I realize how much I am missing out on not diving into relationships with people. What joy and excitement I am missing. Oh, Lord, give me Your strength to overcome fears and doubts so I can build genuine, meaningful relationships with those around me. Help me to be able to be a viable part of community that takes care of each other, loves each other, and strives to share You with all we meet.
Oh, Heavenly Father. Mold me into Your image. Change my heart and mind. Give me a hunger for Your word and for time with You that can't be quenched or overshadowed by other things. Father, help me to see the joy and importance of each moment that I consider ordinary and You call ordained. Oh, Lord, help me to be content with You and You alone.
January 18, 2015
Thoughts on Cruising
We just spent a week on a cruise in the Caribbean. It was glorious. Fun. Exciting. Breath-taking. Heart-breaking. Guilt inducing. Eye opening. So many things.
While I missed my sweet kiddos, it was so mice to have that week with my husband. We rarely get that much time together without children (as most parents.) Since we homeschool and Kevin works at home, we spend LOTS of time together. It was nice to pull away and just be the two of us for awhile. What a gift I've been given in my husband. He is a hard worker and loves me even when I know I'm very hard to love. We had fun this week laughing, relaxing, and enjoying this beautiful planter God has made. He pushed me to keep going on a difficult obstacle course that included walking on several high wires, climbing in trees, and zip lining (I so wish I had pictures to prove I did this, but none of us really had any free hands to do that, so you'll just have to trust me!) I really wanted to just quit and wait for everyone else to finish, but he kept encouraging me and I made it (and I didn't even fall!)
It was also fun to spend time with family. There was lots of laughter, and even some ugly crying (that's what the Hazelwood family does best!) Supper times were truly a time of fellowship, testimony sharing, and just getting to know each other better. It was so fun.
It was also more scheduled that I imagined it would be. We were up early every morning to be able to do all that we wanted. There was no sleeping in on this cruise! Totally not expecting that!
This trip was also heart-breaking and guilt inducing as my eyes were opened to just how privileged and wealthy I am. The crew and staff on that boat work so hard and long, every day, spend months separated from family, and barely make enough ti send back to their families. I know there were times I should have asked to pray for them or tried to serve them in some way, but I didn't. It was difficult to realize at each port that we were living it up and just a few miles away whole families were going to bed hungry for lack of food and money. All the while, I was doing nothing to serve them, love them, or help them.
On the plane ride home we had about 15 or so current or former Cardinals baseball players with us (including Ozzie Smith.) I am embarrassed at the at the "fan girl" I became for a group of people I don't even know and, for the most part, had never even seen before that trip, simply because other people say their are special. It reminded me of a quote I read in Wherever the River Runs by Kelly Minter. She talked about being captivated by the grand and bug without even knowing it. That's totally what I was doing. Oh, Father, forgive me for the times that I choose the big, bold, and worldly over the humble and godly. Help me to dwell on that which is noble, pure, and right. Lord, draw me to You. Give me a hunger for You, Your word, and Your people. Help me to declare You to my children and all I meet. Lord, keep my eyes, heart, and mind focused on You alone. Use that focus to make me the wife, mother, friend, church member, and human You desire me to be.
While I missed my sweet kiddos, it was so mice to have that week with my husband. We rarely get that much time together without children (as most parents.) Since we homeschool and Kevin works at home, we spend LOTS of time together. It was nice to pull away and just be the two of us for awhile. What a gift I've been given in my husband. He is a hard worker and loves me even when I know I'm very hard to love. We had fun this week laughing, relaxing, and enjoying this beautiful planter God has made. He pushed me to keep going on a difficult obstacle course that included walking on several high wires, climbing in trees, and zip lining (I so wish I had pictures to prove I did this, but none of us really had any free hands to do that, so you'll just have to trust me!) I really wanted to just quit and wait for everyone else to finish, but he kept encouraging me and I made it (and I didn't even fall!)
It was also fun to spend time with family. There was lots of laughter, and even some ugly crying (that's what the Hazelwood family does best!) Supper times were truly a time of fellowship, testimony sharing, and just getting to know each other better. It was so fun.
It was also more scheduled that I imagined it would be. We were up early every morning to be able to do all that we wanted. There was no sleeping in on this cruise! Totally not expecting that!
This trip was also heart-breaking and guilt inducing as my eyes were opened to just how privileged and wealthy I am. The crew and staff on that boat work so hard and long, every day, spend months separated from family, and barely make enough ti send back to their families. I know there were times I should have asked to pray for them or tried to serve them in some way, but I didn't. It was difficult to realize at each port that we were living it up and just a few miles away whole families were going to bed hungry for lack of food and money. All the while, I was doing nothing to serve them, love them, or help them.
On the plane ride home we had about 15 or so current or former Cardinals baseball players with us (including Ozzie Smith.) I am embarrassed at the at the "fan girl" I became for a group of people I don't even know and, for the most part, had never even seen before that trip, simply because other people say their are special. It reminded me of a quote I read in Wherever the River Runs by Kelly Minter. She talked about being captivated by the grand and bug without even knowing it. That's totally what I was doing. Oh, Father, forgive me for the times that I choose the big, bold, and worldly over the humble and godly. Help me to dwell on that which is noble, pure, and right. Lord, draw me to You. Give me a hunger for You, Your word, and Your people. Help me to declare You to my children and all I meet. Lord, keep my eyes, heart, and mind focused on You alone. Use that focus to make me the wife, mother, friend, church member, and human You desire me to be.
November 06, 2014
So, there won't be any McSmith family Christmas cards this year....
I know, I'm shaking the very foundation of your Christmas season. Not! It is quite the break in the yearly tradition for us, but several months ago, as I began to think about the cost of printing all those photo cards, I just felt like there had to be something better we could do with that money. The majority of the people we send/give them to see our entire lives documented moment by moment on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and whatever other social media outlets I'm on daily. So really, we were spending money to put our faces in front of people who see our faces all the time. Just seemed silly. So, instead of Christmas cards, we'll be using that money to help others in need, instead. But, I will say, this may not be a permanent change. It could perhaps be just for this year, who knows. I just know it's the right choice for this year. (But, selfishly, I would like to request that everyone else still make their Christmas cards because I really like receiving them and using them to remind us to pray for others!)
Thought I would just give some random thoughts about our 2014 to help you not miss the Christmas card so much (which might possibly bore you to death and make you never want to read this blog again.)
-2014 was a long, hard, fun, frustrating, up and down, roller coaster of a year in our house. I am guessing that our year was pretty much like yours. At some point in the year we were: lied to, ignored, loved on, covered in grace, next to death, far from home, prayed for, deeply hurt by loved ones, deeply loved by loved ones, facing medical uncertainty, filled with sorrow, filled with hope, and blessed beyond any form of human measure.
-We finished our 3rd year of homeschooling and started our 4th. This was a journey Kevin and I never intended to be on, but it's one I don't regret for one moment. I know we are blessed to be able to do this, even if it's just for a short time. There is really nothing like watching your child learn to read, step by step, struggle by struggle. There's nothing more frustrating or joyous than watching your child struggle with something for weeks and then one day, it just clicks. And believe me, teachers are NOT even close to being paid enough, just based on the need for lesson plans alone. That doesn't even count everything else they do!
-Kevin and I have both come to the realization that there are just some things we need to let go of and times that we need to say no. OK, this is mostly me, but he has had a few things he's needed to stop doing, too. Since doing so, the stress levels have come down some, but there may be more that we need to step back from in the future. If you know me, you know how hard this is for me. I like to do things and help out and I don't really know how to say no. Yep, I'm a people pleaser! We're still working on that. I need to be a God pleaser, not a people pleaser.
-There have been a lot of changes in our extended family this year. God was there through it all, and will continue to be as I am sure 2015 will be full of even more changes. I am thankful that He alone is our hope and security, as people will come and go and those we rely on slip in and out of our lives. There have been many times it was hard to see His hand, and many times when it just would have been easier to give up and walk away or give into the grief that was threatening to overcome us, and without Christ we would have. Through death, health scares, arguments, separations, and every other crazy thing that came our way, our prayer lives were strengthened and we were forced to rely on God more than we ever have before in our either of our lives. There were times it was miserable and full of tears, and times that were joyful and full of laughter. Regardless of what was happening, God was by our side each step of the way.
I have no idea what 2015 holds for our family, but I pray that God will give us the strength and boldness to live it for Him, no matter what comes our way. Lord, lead and guide. Give wisdom and discernment for every decision that needs to be made. Give us love and patience in dealing with each other and others. Help Kevin and I to make the most of each teachable moment with our kids and help our lives to be light in the darkness that will lead our children, and many others, to you. Oh, Lord, raise up a holy passion in the McSmith family!
Thought I would just give some random thoughts about our 2014 to help you not miss the Christmas card so much (which might possibly bore you to death and make you never want to read this blog again.)
-2014 was a long, hard, fun, frustrating, up and down, roller coaster of a year in our house. I am guessing that our year was pretty much like yours. At some point in the year we were: lied to, ignored, loved on, covered in grace, next to death, far from home, prayed for, deeply hurt by loved ones, deeply loved by loved ones, facing medical uncertainty, filled with sorrow, filled with hope, and blessed beyond any form of human measure.
-We finished our 3rd year of homeschooling and started our 4th. This was a journey Kevin and I never intended to be on, but it's one I don't regret for one moment. I know we are blessed to be able to do this, even if it's just for a short time. There is really nothing like watching your child learn to read, step by step, struggle by struggle. There's nothing more frustrating or joyous than watching your child struggle with something for weeks and then one day, it just clicks. And believe me, teachers are NOT even close to being paid enough, just based on the need for lesson plans alone. That doesn't even count everything else they do!
-Kevin and I have both come to the realization that there are just some things we need to let go of and times that we need to say no. OK, this is mostly me, but he has had a few things he's needed to stop doing, too. Since doing so, the stress levels have come down some, but there may be more that we need to step back from in the future. If you know me, you know how hard this is for me. I like to do things and help out and I don't really know how to say no. Yep, I'm a people pleaser! We're still working on that. I need to be a God pleaser, not a people pleaser.
-There have been a lot of changes in our extended family this year. God was there through it all, and will continue to be as I am sure 2015 will be full of even more changes. I am thankful that He alone is our hope and security, as people will come and go and those we rely on slip in and out of our lives. There have been many times it was hard to see His hand, and many times when it just would have been easier to give up and walk away or give into the grief that was threatening to overcome us, and without Christ we would have. Through death, health scares, arguments, separations, and every other crazy thing that came our way, our prayer lives were strengthened and we were forced to rely on God more than we ever have before in our either of our lives. There were times it was miserable and full of tears, and times that were joyful and full of laughter. Regardless of what was happening, God was by our side each step of the way.
I have no idea what 2015 holds for our family, but I pray that God will give us the strength and boldness to live it for Him, no matter what comes our way. Lord, lead and guide. Give wisdom and discernment for every decision that needs to be made. Give us love and patience in dealing with each other and others. Help Kevin and I to make the most of each teachable moment with our kids and help our lives to be light in the darkness that will lead our children, and many others, to you. Oh, Lord, raise up a holy passion in the McSmith family!
October 31, 2014
Balance Is So Hard For Me To Find
Does anyone else here struggle with balance? I seem to always swing to one side or the other and can't seem to find that comfortable middle ground. In anything. Ever. Maybe it's the drama queen in me, I don't know. And I am very indecisive. Once I finally do make a decision, most of the time I end up questioning and wondering if it was the right choice.
And I am far more selfish than I care for others to know. Which is, many times, the root of my unbalance and indecision. Anytime there is extra money, time, food, anything, it is such a battle for me to decide, "Do I use this for me or pass it on to someone who could really use it." I'll admit, that's a big reason why I don't typically do yard sales on my own, anymore. If I spend the money on me or my family, I feel guilty, yet if I don't spend it on us, I mentally keep going over the list of things we could have had. So, I find it's better to just donate things to our local community center or to a family who is having a yard sale to raise money for their mission trip or adoption. There is this constant struggle between wanting to be a good steward of all the resources God has given me, yet that selfish side always creeps in! Oh, how I wish that with one good decision the selfishness would just disappear. But, then I would have to be constantly turning to Christ for strength, wisdom, and trust. Without the struggle, there'd be no need for God. Then it really would be all about me and not about Him at all.
Oh, Lord, give me the strength to turn to You in every trial. Help me to seek You in the selfish moments. Give me wisdom for each decision in order for all I do to honor You.
And I am far more selfish than I care for others to know. Which is, many times, the root of my unbalance and indecision. Anytime there is extra money, time, food, anything, it is such a battle for me to decide, "Do I use this for me or pass it on to someone who could really use it." I'll admit, that's a big reason why I don't typically do yard sales on my own, anymore. If I spend the money on me or my family, I feel guilty, yet if I don't spend it on us, I mentally keep going over the list of things we could have had. So, I find it's better to just donate things to our local community center or to a family who is having a yard sale to raise money for their mission trip or adoption. There is this constant struggle between wanting to be a good steward of all the resources God has given me, yet that selfish side always creeps in! Oh, how I wish that with one good decision the selfishness would just disappear. But, then I would have to be constantly turning to Christ for strength, wisdom, and trust. Without the struggle, there'd be no need for God. Then it really would be all about me and not about Him at all.
Oh, Lord, give me the strength to turn to You in every trial. Help me to seek You in the selfish moments. Give me wisdom for each decision in order for all I do to honor You.
October 12, 2014
Surviving Family Day
I chatted with a sweet friend the other day about family days. Why is it that those seem to be the most stressful, argument filled days of the week? Or is that only our house? OK, not every family day is like that, but it does seem like that day, of all days, has a much higher stress level than it should. As she and I were talking, I was able to think of (and thank God for) some of the things we have learned as we attempt to make memories and take time to do things together as a family. We aren't perfect. Some of our days are more "it's the thought that counts" days than "what a beautiful family memory" days, but we learn, grow, laugh, and love each other. I often have to remind myself that while I feel like everyday is family day (because I am with the kids practically 24/7), we aren't together all day every day as a WHOLE family, as Kevin is usually busy working and we're doing school. And as much as I would like it to some weeks, school does not count as family fun day! ;) So, I thought I would compile a list of ideas that we use and that I've seen other families use to make some great memories during family day. Hopefully they will give you hope and inspiration, if needed, to enjoy your family!
1. Be intentional. Let's face it, in this day and age, if you don't put it on the calendar it's not going to happen. We are probably one of the least busy families I know and we are still pretty busy, so I know lots of other families out there are running ragged keeping up with all the schedules in the house. Get a calendar and mark the date. Mark it on your phone. Mark it on your spouse's phone. If you have older children, mark their calendars/phones. It may help to have the same day or night each week so that it's set in stone and everyone one knows there's no doing anything else during that time. The earlier you start this the better it will be when they are older. (Though my children are only 8 and 5, so that's not a real issue for us, yet.)
2. When possible, have no schedule. I know, coming from me this is really weird. However, I have found that when we have a schedule (mainly a TIMED schedule) we all end up rushed and frustrated and that's when the whole thing comes unglued. There are events that you will want to do that will have an obvious time attached (seeing a movie, attending a festival, seeing a theatre production, etc), but many times you can be flexible and just take your time. Once you get used to this it's really quite refreshing, especially if members of your family run on a schedule all week long. It's like a huge breath of fresh air to not be rushing out the door. This works really well for us because our family day is also usually our only rest day for the week and, really, who wants to be rushing around on your day of rest?!?!
3. Don't make things too complicated. Sometimes the simplest things are the most fun. Staying at home having a movie day, game day, silly pictures day, etc, can be just as fun as piling in the car and heading out on an adventure. Again, with the rushed pace of our lives these days, sometimes we (parents and kids alike) just need time to stay in comfy clothes (or even just stay in those jammies all day) and chill out together. There can be just as many laughs in a game of Sleeping Queens (am I showing the age of my children?) as there is in a trip to the movies.
4. Make some traditions you can all look forward to. I find this easiest to do by season. All year long we look forward to the month of October where our goal is to visit a different corn maze every weekend. All four of us love this and have such a good time. (Of course, living in MO, this is easy for us because there are like 50 corn mazes within an hour of us in any direction.) Maybe there is a yearly festival your family can look forward to attending. Apple picking? Pumpkin patches? Theatre productions? Family game nights once a month? It can be anything, really.
5. It's OK to split up for a bit. There have been times this has worked well for us. Sometimes Kevin and Ethan work on a project while Sophie and I do something together and then we switch. Sometimes we will each do a small date with one of the kids and then get together for dinner or something. Admittedly, since we only have two children, this is a little easier for us because it's always one on one when we split up. This might also be a good way to give each of the parents some one on one time with the kids. Mom can take all but one kid while dad has a "date" with the other and you end with family movie night. You can do this until both parents have had a date with each of the kids.
6. Household chores DO count as family time. If you've seen any of my Facebook or blog posts you know how I struggle with getting housework done. And I am home ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I can't even imagine how difficult it is for those who are working to get it all done. So, divide the family into teams, split up the chores, and race to see who can finish first while finishing well. End the cleaning fun with Blizzards or a Root Beer float. This not only get housework done without Mom and Dad doing it all, but it also give you a chance to train your children in how to properly take care of a home. Bonus: you'll probably have some great conversations as you work alongside your kiddos. (Disclaimer: for us, this also means one on one time with our kids, as there are only two of them and two of us.)
7. Do some service together. Part of your job as a Christian parent is to disciple your children. At some point, this must go beyond just book knowledge to stepping out and putting all that you are teaching them into practice. There are so many options out there for serving together that you could probably do a different service project every week all year long!!! Be creative! Have fun!
8. Be on the same page as your spouse. This is also an area where many family days fall apart. Get together BEFORE your planned family day and talk about what you would like to do. Make a plan (though it doesn't have to be super detailed.) Decide ahead of time that, no matter what, you're going to have good attitudes and go with the flow. The kids will have whatever attitude you choose to have, so it's important that you choose wisely.
9. Ladies, let your husband make decisions. I know it seems like this should not need to be said, but ladies, let's admit it, we like to be in control. For many ladies I know it just comes naturally to take charge and go for it. Sometimes this is great, sometimes we need to push that urge aside and defer to our husbands. Most days we moms make the majority of the decisions for the family (what we're having for lunch and dinner, who is taking who to what events, etc). This is a great time to truly work alongside our husbands and let them make decisions on what the family will do. Do this and you'll be amazed at how smoothly things go and how much more loving and confident your husband becomes in other areas.
10. Search out fun things in your area. Thanks to the Internet, you should never be without an option for something to do. From Pinterest to Facebook, the ideas are endless. Want to head out somewhere and actually do something, as on Facebook where other families have gone and had fun. In minutes you'll have hundreds of ideas. Pinterest has all kinds of great project ideas. There's always something going on and somewhere to go, you just have to get up the gumption and do it!
11. Unplug. This one is so hard for me. I love Facebook. And email. And Twitter. And Instagram. One of the biggest blessings God has given us in the last month was our change in phone plan. I cannot do any of those things unless I have a WiFi connection, which has not only saved us $100 a month, but has also forced me to put the phone away and just enjoy being present with my kiddos. I still probably take more pictures than I need to (one thing my husband is always saying, "Put the camera down and just have fun!"), but I've had a lot more laughs and good times with my family since I haven't always had the option to post things RIGHT NOW.
I know there are hundreds of ideas that could be added to this list. So, help fellow families out and share your ideas with us. What do you do to make the most of family time?
1. Be intentional. Let's face it, in this day and age, if you don't put it on the calendar it's not going to happen. We are probably one of the least busy families I know and we are still pretty busy, so I know lots of other families out there are running ragged keeping up with all the schedules in the house. Get a calendar and mark the date. Mark it on your phone. Mark it on your spouse's phone. If you have older children, mark their calendars/phones. It may help to have the same day or night each week so that it's set in stone and everyone one knows there's no doing anything else during that time. The earlier you start this the better it will be when they are older. (Though my children are only 8 and 5, so that's not a real issue for us, yet.)
2. When possible, have no schedule. I know, coming from me this is really weird. However, I have found that when we have a schedule (mainly a TIMED schedule) we all end up rushed and frustrated and that's when the whole thing comes unglued. There are events that you will want to do that will have an obvious time attached (seeing a movie, attending a festival, seeing a theatre production, etc), but many times you can be flexible and just take your time. Once you get used to this it's really quite refreshing, especially if members of your family run on a schedule all week long. It's like a huge breath of fresh air to not be rushing out the door. This works really well for us because our family day is also usually our only rest day for the week and, really, who wants to be rushing around on your day of rest?!?!
3. Don't make things too complicated. Sometimes the simplest things are the most fun. Staying at home having a movie day, game day, silly pictures day, etc, can be just as fun as piling in the car and heading out on an adventure. Again, with the rushed pace of our lives these days, sometimes we (parents and kids alike) just need time to stay in comfy clothes (or even just stay in those jammies all day) and chill out together. There can be just as many laughs in a game of Sleeping Queens (am I showing the age of my children?) as there is in a trip to the movies.
4. Make some traditions you can all look forward to. I find this easiest to do by season. All year long we look forward to the month of October where our goal is to visit a different corn maze every weekend. All four of us love this and have such a good time. (Of course, living in MO, this is easy for us because there are like 50 corn mazes within an hour of us in any direction.) Maybe there is a yearly festival your family can look forward to attending. Apple picking? Pumpkin patches? Theatre productions? Family game nights once a month? It can be anything, really.
5. It's OK to split up for a bit. There have been times this has worked well for us. Sometimes Kevin and Ethan work on a project while Sophie and I do something together and then we switch. Sometimes we will each do a small date with one of the kids and then get together for dinner or something. Admittedly, since we only have two children, this is a little easier for us because it's always one on one when we split up. This might also be a good way to give each of the parents some one on one time with the kids. Mom can take all but one kid while dad has a "date" with the other and you end with family movie night. You can do this until both parents have had a date with each of the kids.
6. Household chores DO count as family time. If you've seen any of my Facebook or blog posts you know how I struggle with getting housework done. And I am home ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I can't even imagine how difficult it is for those who are working to get it all done. So, divide the family into teams, split up the chores, and race to see who can finish first while finishing well. End the cleaning fun with Blizzards or a Root Beer float. This not only get housework done without Mom and Dad doing it all, but it also give you a chance to train your children in how to properly take care of a home. Bonus: you'll probably have some great conversations as you work alongside your kiddos. (Disclaimer: for us, this also means one on one time with our kids, as there are only two of them and two of us.)
7. Do some service together. Part of your job as a Christian parent is to disciple your children. At some point, this must go beyond just book knowledge to stepping out and putting all that you are teaching them into practice. There are so many options out there for serving together that you could probably do a different service project every week all year long!!! Be creative! Have fun!
8. Be on the same page as your spouse. This is also an area where many family days fall apart. Get together BEFORE your planned family day and talk about what you would like to do. Make a plan (though it doesn't have to be super detailed.) Decide ahead of time that, no matter what, you're going to have good attitudes and go with the flow. The kids will have whatever attitude you choose to have, so it's important that you choose wisely.
9. Ladies, let your husband make decisions. I know it seems like this should not need to be said, but ladies, let's admit it, we like to be in control. For many ladies I know it just comes naturally to take charge and go for it. Sometimes this is great, sometimes we need to push that urge aside and defer to our husbands. Most days we moms make the majority of the decisions for the family (what we're having for lunch and dinner, who is taking who to what events, etc). This is a great time to truly work alongside our husbands and let them make decisions on what the family will do. Do this and you'll be amazed at how smoothly things go and how much more loving and confident your husband becomes in other areas.
10. Search out fun things in your area. Thanks to the Internet, you should never be without an option for something to do. From Pinterest to Facebook, the ideas are endless. Want to head out somewhere and actually do something, as on Facebook where other families have gone and had fun. In minutes you'll have hundreds of ideas. Pinterest has all kinds of great project ideas. There's always something going on and somewhere to go, you just have to get up the gumption and do it!
11. Unplug. This one is so hard for me. I love Facebook. And email. And Twitter. And Instagram. One of the biggest blessings God has given us in the last month was our change in phone plan. I cannot do any of those things unless I have a WiFi connection, which has not only saved us $100 a month, but has also forced me to put the phone away and just enjoy being present with my kiddos. I still probably take more pictures than I need to (one thing my husband is always saying, "Put the camera down and just have fun!"), but I've had a lot more laughs and good times with my family since I haven't always had the option to post things RIGHT NOW.
I know there are hundreds of ideas that could be added to this list. So, help fellow families out and share your ideas with us. What do you do to make the most of family time?
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