A Summer of Firsts

July 10 marks four months since Kevin breathed his last here on this old, broken Earth. In some ways, I can't believe the time has gone so quickly. In other ways, it feels like the days are just dragging by as slowly as possible. I miss him so much, every day. Mornings and nights are the hardest because there just isn't anything else with which to occupy my mind. We always ended our nights watching TV together. I love watching "our shows" (The West Wing, Sherlock, Studio Sixty, Sports Night, The Office, etc) and remembering all the things that he would laugh at and all the times he laughed at me for getting so involved in the lives of fake people. I watch something new and can decide in about 5 minutes whether it's something he would like or not. There are one or two shows that we hadn't finished watching and, so far, I haven't been able to bring myself to finish those without him. I don't even have the desire to watch them again, yet. Maybe some day.

Through Instagram and Facebook I've been marking this year of firsts without this amazing man in our lives. We've had some really high highs and some really low lows, BUT GOD is with us and for us and getting us through each day. Even the ones filled with tears.

This is our first summer without Kevin and it's been our craziest summer in a long time! Here are just a few of the firsts we've celebrated this summer:

Our first vacation:
This vacation was taken in three phases. First, we headed to AR to see some precious friends. Then, on to VA to visit Kevin's family. Last, we went to IL for the 12th Annual Hazelwood Family July 4th Campout.

Our most exciting phase was the trip to VA. This was our first ever trip to this state. (Kevin had been before but the kids and I hadn't.) It's beautiful and full of history. We drove about 3 hours for our first trip to Washington, D.C. Kevin had been there on a business trip back in November so we did our best to recreate the photos he took then. That was sentimental to me, but fun for the kids. I couldn't pick a favorite, but both kids chose the Lincoln Memorial as they're favorite part of that trip. (It may have had something to do with the fact that the edge of the steps was like a slide. Every kid chose to come down that "slide" rather than walk down the steps.) I can't wait until they are a little older and we can go back to stay a little longer. I'd love to do more museums, see the other side of the White House, visit Arlington, and so much more!

We also got to head to the ocean! Sophie saw the ocean at 13 months but this was Ethan's first time. Without hesitation, E tells everyone this was his favorite part of the trip. It was mine, too! We had such a blast. We could have stayed there for days. It was a really windy day so there were lots of waves, lots of giggling, and lots of fun! I sure hope I get to take them back again one day. I find water to be one of the most amazing creations. Water is powerful and can do such good or such harm. It amazes me.

We also visited Historic Jamestowne while we were there. It was pretty amazing to walk in the actual steps, on the actual ground, where the first European settlers walked. It was very humbling to look over the history and see how selfish and hateful so many of them were. It was comforting to see that many, however, really just wanted a new life, a new adventure, and were willing to work hard to get it. We were able to see lots of artifacts they had recovered and were even able to watch a group of archaeologists working to find more.

There were lots of other things in between there in VA, but I won't bore you with all those details. The last phase was the most relaxing. We have come to love and look so forward to our family camp out each year. (Don't be fooled, I don't sleep in a tent unless there is absolutely no other option. I share my parent's camper.) Unlike the last few years, the temps were low and we were actually wearing long sleeves and sweatshirts most of the time. The kids had a blast just fishing and playing and using their imaginations. The adults had fun just having conversation with other adults!

We actually ended that portion of vacation with my sister and her family here in Hannibal. We toured the Mark Twain Cave, visited the Hannibal History Museum, and ate lunch at the Mark Twain Dinette. So fun! It was the kid's first time to go through the cave.

Here are some pics from vacation:

Our first anniversary without Kevin:
June 14 would have been our 13th anniversary. The day started and ended with tears, but thanks to some amazing friends, there was a lot of love and laughter in between. The day even included and awkward meal at a Japanese steakhouse with the most awkward chef I've ever seen. We'll be laughing about that for years to come! I also bought a dress that day in Kevin's honor. He loved me in yellow and I found a yellow dress he would have loved. I admit, I cried in the dressing room when I put it on and it fit.

Our first Father's Day with no daddy:
Honestly, this was absolutely the hardest day so far this summer. The hard started the night before as I just about had a panic attack even thinking about the day. We had prepared ahead of time with notes and gift cards to hand out because E had asked if we could celebrate Father's Day the same way we celebrated his birthday. Somehow, Kevin's birthday was not as hard as Father's Day. His birthday felt like a day of joy and love and blessings and Father's Day just felt hard and ugly and empty. I think that is mostly due to the fact that, though others have birthdays the same day as Kevin's, it was mostly a day that just we were celebrating. Father's Day is a day that everyone celebrates so it felt more empty and we really felt different for the first time since he passed away. I tried really hard not to let the kids or the rest of the family see how hard it was so I didn't take away from the day for them, so I waited until bed time and just laid there and cried. Crying felt really good that night. I know those kinds of days and feelings will come more and more as the kids get older and realize there's no dad for camp out and dances and fishing trips and daddy/daughter dates. I am praying the Lord holds all of our hands through those days!

Smaller firsts:
We also flew without Kevin for the first time. It went really well. I only had to have one awkward conversation on the plane, so that was a sweet little gift from God! I hate talking to strangers! I bought a grill on my own for the first time (though my dad did help me choose the kind of the grill that would work for me) and even made my first meal on it. Huge thanks to my brother-in-law for putting it together for me and to a dear friend's husband for bringing propane. We are very spoiled! It was the first time returning home from a long trip knowing that Kevin wasn't there waiting for us. That made it a little less exciting to come home, if I am being honest! God was with us the whole time and continued to provide all we needed, in ways we never expected. He has comforted me with His word, provided financially, given me just the texts I needed when I needed them. and never went anywhere even when I cried and threw tantrums and expressed my confusion, fear, and anger. He is so good!

We still have a little more traveling to do before the summer is over and I am sure there will be a few more firsts before school starts this fall. Some days are just overwhelming and I don't want to get out of bed. Some days my heart is so much lighter and I get a lot accomplished. My parenting is super sporadic, but when I'm the fun mom I'm way more fun than I ever have been before and, sadly, when I am the bummer mom I am even more grumpy than usual. I try to be honest with the kids in those low times and let them know I am just missing daddy and things are hard without him. A few times we've all expressed that at the same time. I know more of those kinds of times are coming, too.

Lord, teach me to grieve well. To grieve honestly. Lord, don't let my grieving keep me from seeing the needs around me, especially the needs of my children, my church family, and my community. Father, open the eyes and hearts of my children to see their need for You. Let today be the day of salvation for them. Make them new creations with new hearts that have a hunger and thirst for You, Your word, and serving those You've created without reserve. Teach me how to be the example of all that to them. Lord, move. Move us past the grief. Move us past our selfishness. Move us past our fear. Move us past our hurt. Move us past our confusion. Move us closer to You.

The Best $200 We've Ever Spent

Our pool pass.  Seriously.  Every year, as summer comes, I start the guilty feeling of wanting to get a pool pass for the summer.  While we do live comfortably and every need is met, $200 is still a lot of money to us. And, of course, my mind lists all the other things, far more important things, that could be done with that amount of money: support a mission trip, help stock the food pantry, feed a starving family for a month. The list could go on.  And the guilt just builds.

Then I start thinking of all the reasons that it's OK to spend $200 for our family to enjoy the pool each summer: we survived the school year, I spend 24/7 with my kids so surely I deserve some time where they can play on their own and I can read a book, PE hours.  I could go on with that list, too.

Then I have both of these seemingly unending lists and go back and forth and just don't know what I should do.  Then I buy the pool pass, despite all the guilt.  And while I enjoy each visit, I feel guilty about each one, too, seeing the faces of those I could have chosen to help if I had given up this one luxury.

This year, however, has been different.  Something I never expected.  As you know, I have been involved in our church's Afterschool Adventures ministry with the children in the apartment complex across the street from the church.  It's frustrating, rewarding, difficult, messy, fun, and pretty much beyond words.  I think we were all ready for a small break over the summer.  I never dreamed that I would actually get the chance to see, love on, and serve these kids over the summer.  At the city pool.  But, guess what, I have.

There are three families that I have seen several times at the pool, but one boy in particular that has been there almost every day that we have been there.  We'll call him Q.  He's actually the oldest child we work with and goes to youth when we come over for Family Quest.  Bless his heart, he tries so hard, but he just doesn't know how to behave, tell the truth, or deal with anger and frustration.  He's just never been taught.  But, he's been excited to see us at the pool each time.  He'll take small breaks from hanging out with his friends to come over and chat with me.  We don't talk about anything too deep, but just the fact that he'll come talk to me is enough to make that $200 pool pass worth it.

Please continue praying for this ministry, for these precious children.  They have suffered abuse and neglect that I have a hard time even imagining happens here in the US.  They are stuck in homes that are not good for them because the proof needed for them to be removed is nearly impossible to get.  Our hands are tied in that area, but we can cover them in prayer and pour as much of God's love on them as we possibly can in the short time we have them.  We have two families now that have moved and we don't know where they are.  They are two of our most loved families, and the two families most in need of God's divine intervention to save those kids from terrible things.  Please, pray with me that God will continue to bring people into those children's lives who will show them God's love, read them His Word, and be able to point them to Him in their difficult times!

If you are interested in helping with Afterschool Adventures or adopting a family for Family Quest, we would love to talk to you!  You can send me a message or contact Jennifer Humiston.

Confessions of a Real Housewife of Marion County

(WARNING: That was just a more interesting title for "this is pure randomness.")

• My kids eat cereal and pop tarts for breakfast virtually every morning.  I am not exaggerating.  Thaaaat's right, I pump them full of sugar and all kinds of bad things to start the day...well...because it's fast, easy, and they can get it themselves while I am finishing up getting ready for the day.  I am THAT mom.
• We are attempting to eat less sugar in our house.  Some days are better than others.  We'll leave it at that. (See above comment!)
• My really-cute-$7-from-Wal-Mart-online-that-from-a-distance-almost-look-like-Toms-shoes shoes don't do well in the rain.  My feet were soaked!
• I love that Aldi has so many organic products now.  Even the kids enjoy shopping there!
• Summer's finally here!  And, now it finally feels like spring.
• Ethan calls Angel Food Cake "Angel Fruit Cake."  It cracks me up every time!
• I could sit and eat cookie dough all day.  I don't even care about the raw eggs.
• Sherlock.  Genius.  Amazing acting.  Amazing writing.  I need more episodes.
• We watched the movie Jobs today.  It's a "biopic" of the life of Steven Jobs.  I am still confused as to why they made the movie.  Did they want us to dislike him because he was a jerk to pretty much everyone he ever met?  Did they want us to be amazed at his change toward the end (even though they left us with huge questions that, in my mind, made that impossible?  What was the point?  Ashton Kutcher did a great job in the film, but the movie seemed a little pointless to me.
• VBS was a blast!  It was so fun going in a different disguise each night.  It's going to be weird to go to church tomorrow and not be in a costume!  ;)
• I actually had to wash dishes by hand this week because we had used every fork, every bowl, every plate, and almost every cup and they wouldn't all fit into the dishwasher.  Yeah, I was that lazy this week.  But, hey, it was tennis camp and VBS week, plus there were even some days that were great pool days.  OK, the real issue is, I just don't like doing all the housekeeping things.  Still working on a schedule so I can get better at that.  Still failing at getting that schedule together so I can get better at that. 
• I finally got most of the laundry done...well...washed and folded...I still have four loads of it to put away.  I hate that part.  Ugh!  Living out of laundry baskets is perfectly acceptable, right?  That way if my kids end up doing something that requires a lot of traveling, they'll practically be used to living out of a suitcase already!  ;)
• S'mores would be so good right now!
• I love going to the pool with two children able to play on their own.  I love that I don't have to follow them around.  I love that they will play together or with other children and I can relax and just watch them from a comfy chair or even read a book.  It really is a blessing!
• The West Wing.  I love it.  I could seriously watch it all day everyday.  Kevin and I have watched all 7 seasons at least 10 times.  I do not exaggerate.  I know.  We need help.
• I really enjoy Breakout Kings. We found this series o Netflix and have really enjoyed watching it.  But, I have to be honest, the main reason I watch it is the character of Lloyd Lowery, played by Jimmi Simpson.  He amazes me!  The character is written and acted so well I just can't stop watching.
• In fact, a lot of shows I watch, I watch because of just one or two characters.  Alphas is another show like that.  I watch the whole show for the autistic character.  He is so well done! (Not to mention the fact that the theme song is awesome.  It's my ringtone for Kevin.  Lots of electric guitar!  Listen to it HERE!)
• I totally just started the dryer again with clothes for church tomorrow because they were wrinkled...and I hate ironing...so I'm letting the dryer take care of that.  Again I say, I am THAT mom!
• Prison Break season 2 may be the most well written piece of television in quite a while.
• I love clothes. If we were wealthy most of my money would be blown on clothes that I would probably never need and never wear.  Probably a good thing we aren't wealthy (at least by American standards.)
• How is it already like halfway through June?!?!?!
• I've been reading some books so far this summer to see if they are OK to let Sophie read them on her own.  So far, they aren't bad, but nothing spectacular.  Thankful for the fun classics that we've been able to read together so far.  
• I think I have become the bag lady.  There are so many bags in my van...one bag for Sunday morning, one bag for Wednesday nights, and one bag for drama.  They stay in the van most of the time so that I don't forget to take them to church when I need them (because, yes, I am that forgetful), so now I look like a traveling bag lady.
• We were able to take Jamarqus with us for a couple days of VBS this week.  It was so fun to listen to all three kids laughing and talking and singing together in the back seat.  It warmed my heart to see that my kids were genuinely sad the days that he couldn't come with us.  He really has become a little part of our family, even if it's just one day a week.
• I am so excited to get to read to the kiddos next week at story time over at the Centerville St. apartments. We are reading The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and I love doing the accents!  I am almost giddy!!!!
• When I get sent a big group Facebook message I can never bring myself to leave the conversation, even when I want to, because I know the sender can see who has left and I don't want to hurt their feelings.
• I like still like totally have like VBS songs like totally running  like through my head, like totally. (If you were at CBC's VBS, you'll think that's funny...I think.)
• Sunday mornings are usually disasters for us.  It's the only morning each week that I have to wake up my kids.  And, y'all, my kids are monsters when they don't wake up on their own.  And, even during the week, my kids (regardless of what time they wake up) are not ready to eat breakfast until about 9:00 or 9:30 a.m.  Yep, that's right.  That's right as Sunday School starts.  Oh, Sundays!  We've tried a lot of different things: get everything ready the night before, have a special breakfast, take breakfast to church, etc.  So far, nothing is working.  I think the next step is to just not go to SS and not go to church until time for the worship service.  I would do this in hopes that they could sleep a little longer and have breakfast at a later time.  Hopefully this will allow them to focus better and get more out of church.  This is a last resort and I am really hoping to not do that until summer is over and Family Quest has started back up.  This way it they won't be missing out on as much.  They'll be getting Bible time on their level at home with family devotions and Bible during school, and they'll be getting Bible time with others at Afterschool Adventures and Family Quest, so missing out on SS won't really be as big of a deal then as it is in the summer.  But, we're still praying about just what it is we need to do so that our kids can really be focused and learn as much as possible on Sunday mornings.  Any suggestions would be much appreciated!
• Did I mention that eating less sugar is hard?  It's in everything!  And it tastes so good.  
• Can't wait to spend time with the family at our annual Hazelwood 4th of July campout.  It's gonna be lots of fun!!!!
• I really loved the movie Mother's Day Out.  I laughed so hard!  It was well written, well acted, and just well done. Made me really miss acting.  I love being part of something that can move someone from laughter to tears to frustration to anger back to laughter, etc.  I am so thankful that I get to act, even in small ways, here and there with church.  It really does my heart good!
• Why is it that the shows Kevin and I end up really liking only last for one or two seasons? (The West Wing and Prison Break being the exception.) 
• I had one other really funny thing that I was wanting to write...but alas, it's gone.  I have no idea what it was.  

I Need A Little Help From My Friends

So, this summer is going to be the summer we try some new things, try and figure new ways to do some things that aren't working right now, and having as much fun as possible.

First up, Ethan has suddenly lost all ability to remember anything and complete any task.  It is seriously driving me crazy!  I can send him to go get his shoes on and half an hour later he is still not wearing any shoes and has completely forgotten I ever asked him to do anything.  I don't think he's being ornery or trying to be disobedient, I think he genuinely get distracted and forgets things.  However, this just cannot continue.  I seriously feel my blood pressure rise every.time.it.happens!  So, I've decided to try a few things this summer and see how it goes. First, I am going to (or at least attempt to) give him only on task at a time to complete.  Then, I'll have him repeat back to me the task he needs to complete.  Lastly, I will stay with him as he completes the task to make sure he gets it done and does it correctly.  I have to admit, I am not looking forward to this because I know it will be time consuming and difficult to do.  But, I am reminding myself this is just for a season.  It won't last forever.  However, if any of you have any other ideas that I can use, please, let me know!  I am willing to try pretty much anything.

Next on the list, the kids' constant nagging and arguing with each other.  Most of them started after we finished with regular school hours, so it may just be that they have too much free time on their hands.  I am not sure.  But, I think I've decided that this summer is the time to go ahead and take them through The Young Peacemaker. I know that Ethan may be a bit young for it, but I think that I can adapt it for him.  I am praying that going through these lessons will help them to think through things and think of others before responding to things.  Again, any other thoughts would be more than welcome!!!

I am also hoping to do the final chapter of The Care and Keeping of You for Younger Girls. OK, it's actually chapters in the middle of the book, but it's the ones on the period and body changes, so I decided to save it for last.  She was ready for the other things in the book, but I didn't think she was quite ready for it at the time.  I still feel like we have a while before she actually hits puberty and gets her period, but I am seeing that the drama is slowly increasing as the hormones are slowly increasing and I want to be sure to cover all this before it hits so she isn't freaked out.  Prayers appreciated.  I am also hoping to finish up our 8 Great Dates in the next month or so, as well.

I hope to be able to spend the summer mornings doing some review school work with each of the kids.  For Ethan, I want to continue doing math and reading.  He has come a long way with both and I really don't want him to lose that.  With Sophie, I would like to continue doing grammar, math, and writing.  Do any of you out there do this?  If so, what kind of schedule do you use?  A little from each subject each day?  One subject a day?  Just a little here and there with no real schedule?  Haven't quite figured out how I want to do it and would love suggestions.

I am also looking forward to LOTS of afternoons spent at the pool.  It's our favorite place in Hannibal in the summer.  It's like our little reward for surviving another school year!  It's the one thing we look forward to every year.  And this year I am totally excited because both kids can really play without me having to follow them around!  Hello reading!!!!  Fiction, non-fiction, lesson planning!  I can't wait!  Who wants to join me?  As long as we're in town and it's not raining, we'll most likely be there!!!!!!!

Sorry for so much rambling, but I look forward to hearing some other suggestions from you so I have some things ready to try!

A Little of this, A Little of That

Well, we are nearing the end of our first TV free week.  I have to say, it hasn’t been too bad.  Of course, the fact that we’ve already been without internet for 2 ½ weeks (which means no Netflix or Amazon Prime) helped us get used to not having a lot of the shows we would normally watch.  And having VBS every night (which is when most of the TV watching happens) has also helped.  God really blessed us with a busy, so therefore fairly easy, first no TV week.  One of the hardest times (and yes, I am admitting my poor parenting skills for the whole world to know) is when the kids eat lunch.  See, I let the kids eat lunch while they watch one of their shows, and then I eat upstairs and read a book.  That, most times, is the only time I have to just sit and read and not feel guilty about not doing the laundry or the dishes, etc.  I have missed that time (because, well, I really like to read), but we’ve been using that time this week to finish up the read aloud portions of our history book, so it hasn’t been a total loss!  One of the things we learned today I was even able to put into the VBS lesson this evening!  Kevin and I usually will watch a show or two after we have put the kids to bed, which I thought would be hard to give up, but I have been so exhausted every night when I got home from VBS that I just fell right into bed and fell asleep.  Again, I am pretty sure that was all by God’s design just to help me make it through this first week!  He is such a loving God who knows just what we need…even when it’s to be totally exhausted by 3 hours singing praises with children!

We still have no internet and I am trying really hard to see the blessing here (other than the one I stated in the previous paragraph…so far that’s really the only one I am seeing!)  I am sure there is a lesson I am to be learning here, and I am pretty sure I am not learning it seeing as how I still can’t see the good in this.  Oh, hey, I just thought of another blessing from this…just another week and a half without internet and I will have saved myself one whole month’s payment!  That’s money that can be used in so many other ways to serve others instead of myself.  Lord, thanks for making the ugly beautiful (especially since this ugly is really nothing in comparison to what others are facing.)

I’ve had a great time at VBS this week.  The songs are fun and catchy (some might even make me a little teary).  The kids are so full of energy!  Man, I will sleep hard come Friday night, for sure!  It has also made me really thankful this week that the Lord has allowed me to see how He has been growing me as a “teacher” (and yes, I use that term VERY LOOSELY in reference to myself!) since I started homeschooling.  A year or two ago, you wouldn’t catch me doing a lick of teaching in any way, shape or form.  This year I had a blast working up a very small, short lesson for Kidz Choir each week for each song we were learning and I had a really fun time reminding the kids of their stories each night as they came to music at VBS.  Now, don’t get me wrong, none of these were stellar lessons and no awards will be given (so thankful that in both cases kindergarten teacher extraordinaire, Megan Craig, was with me to help break down anything that was still a little over the kids’ heads), but even a year ago I couldn’t have done that.  There’s even been once or twice I was able to throw something together kind of at the last minute, which does not happen for this girl!  I don’t improv well on stage and I do an even worse job improving (Is that even a word?  How is it spelled?).  This girl needs a script, yet God has grown me so much in the last two years that I was able to spend an entire week at VBS helping lead opening and closing without one and helping to lead pre-school music without one.  I know this probably seems so small to many of you, but this is huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge to me!  One, I know that I couldn’t do this at all if we hadn’t stepped out in obedience and started homeschooling where I was forced to do this on a daily basis, and two, so often I just feel like I am getting nowhere when it comes to God.  I feel like I desire to be better and desire to serve more and give more and love more, but yet, nothing ever changes.  This has been such an encouragement that I have changed, but sometimes, those changes take time.  I am still not so great at the whole lesson plan thing, but God has blessed me with being part of the Family Quest team and with the help of those wonderful ladies and the sweet Jess Corkern, I am slowly learning that, too!

Lord, thank You for opening my eyes to Your work in me and around me.  Lord, thank You that You never fail.  Thank You that You never change.  Thank You for being patient and loving, yet You discipline when you need to, all to bring me back to You.  Lord, help me to be more like You as I serve my family as wife and mother, and as I serve others as an ambassador for You. 

Reading for Refugees

 

I wanted to let you know about a program that Sophie will be participating in this summer, from June 1-Aug. 1, and let you know how you can help.  She will be doing the Reading for Refugees program (find information on it here: http://www.hisvoiceglobal.com/?p=2050) created by the missions organization His Voice Global (http://www.hisvoiceglobal.com/).  She has lots of books to choose from as her reading material, but she now needs sponsors who will commit to a PER PAGE price they would like to donate for her reading.  We will keep track of the pages she has read and let you know the total.  The money is due to His Voice by Aug. 15, so those of you who do not live in Hannibal, we will total the pages before Aug. 1 so you would have time to send your check. 

 

I am personally excited about this because it fits in with what our family has been doing the last few months as we have been fasting from some of our excesses and attempting to follow Isaiah 58, which instructs us to use our time of fasting to help others in need.  In June, we will be giving up the TV, so this is the perfect way for us to fulfill Is. 58 while we are not watching television.

 

If you would like to help us with this program, just reply to me and let me know what your PER PAGE READ pledge will be.  (FYI---she's a great reader and loves to read!)  Please do not feel bad if you cannot participate in the financial end of this program, but we would still love to have your prayers!  Thank you so much for thinking of us and for praying for us as we tackle this amazing project.

 

 

Summer Fun

Here are just a few shots of some of our summer fun so far!