It's been over a year since I published anything on this little blog. It's not that nothing has been happening, I just haven't felt like there was anything worth sharing. Not that there is now, just a thought that's been on my heart lately.
This will be our 5th Christmas without Kevin. It seems like it's been more like 45 Christmases, yet the first one, all at the same time. I just keep thinking that surely this is the year; the year that his absence doesn't feel quite so large. This is the year with less tears and more smiles and laughter.
It's not that I want to forget that he was ever with us. Or even forget that he's gone. Neither of those could happen and I don't want them to. It's just that I am ready to look back and celebrate that life with him happened instead of being sad that it's over. Isn't that how we try to teach our littles to react to things?
If only grief worked that way, huh? Sadly, it doesn't. The smallest, silliest things bring memories flooding back and the tears just flow freely. It's just a natural reaction most times. Every time we near a big day, nights become sleepless and emotions rise. For all three of us. So, yes, life gets fun for us this time of year!
Will I ever get to the point where there's more rejoicing in the gift of having had Kevin as part of my life for 15 years verses the sadness of not having him with me for the rest of, well, who knows how many years? Honestly, I have no idea. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'll never be able to say that I spent more years of my life with him than without him. That's something I always looked forward to saying about my husband one day. So, I really don't know if the day will come with each big day or anniversary or holiday doesn't bring about the lump in the throat. The sting of tears to my eyes. The yearning for things to be different.
But, I do know this. This sadness and grief in missing my man is just one more proof to me that my Heavenly Father does indeed give good gifts. The best of gifts. If Kevin wasn't such a good gift I wouldn't be so sad he's not still here. Knowing that doesn't take the grief away, but it does grant a sliver of purpose to the pain. I now know just a tiny bit more of the heart of my Father. This probably speaks so deeply to me because I LOVE giving gifts. It's just one of the many ways the Lord has created me in His likeness. (My gifts aren't as good as His, though!)
I know several people celebrating their first Christmas this week without their loved ones. I wish I could say it gets easier. Less tearful. The empty space feels smaller. But, well, I just can't. But, it does get a little different each year. I can say this, though, acknowledge the sadness. Let the tears fall. Find a way to honor that loved one that is simple enough you can do it every year, but meaningful enough that you have honored their life. That looks different for all of us. And it may not last forever. And it's all ok.
If you love someone who lost a loved one this year, don't be afraid to talk about that loved one. Say their name. Share your stories of them. Be a reminder to those left behind that their loved one is loved and missed by others, too. Cry with them. Laugh with them. Eat an extra piece of pie with them. It's probably going to be awkward for all involved, but it'll be awkwardness that is worth it. I promise!
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