It's the Third Time We're Celebrating Your Birthday Without You

I wonder if there's ever a day I'll stop counting how many times we've met another April 28th without you?

I am so thankful for the beautiful, fun tradition the Lord has given us for your birthday. It keeps things more upbeat. More joyful. Puts our focus more where it needs to be; on others and not on us or on what we're missing.

This year, though, feels a little different. More emotional. A little more sad. It's been hard today not to dwell on all the things I miss.

I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss the almost annoying amount of hours you would spend in your office playing guitar. I miss your bedtime routine with the kids. I miss your excitement over things I can't even pretend to understand. I miss holding your hand. I miss the way you cleaned the kitchen, top to bottom, every Sunday. I miss watching The West Wing with you every night before bed. I miss watching you and Ethan build things. I miss you reading the Bible to us in the mornings. I miss your wet towels hanging on the closet door. I miss making fun of you for being sentimental about shirts. I miss hearing you say, "I'm glad you're mine." I miss family tennis games with you. And oh, so much more.

But, there are also things I don't miss. I don't miss seeing you in the pain of addiction and feeling powerless to help. I don't miss watching you struggle through withdrawal, time and again. I don't miss the every day fight for truth to win over addiction. I don't miss watching a drug steal the man I knew and loved.

I don't understand the plan. I don't like the plan. But I can trust the plan because I know who is in charge of the plan. Without a doubt, this plan is what is best for you. Though I find it harder to believe, it's also best for me. And Sophie. And Ethan. ONE DAY, we'll all believe it. Fully.

We're excited to hand out some more gifts to others tomorrow to honor you. You loved giving gifts to people. Especially ones they weren't expecting. And ones that were super helpful to them. Our gifts might not be as helpful or practical, but they'll be fun and surprising!

We love you. We miss you. We know you're probably not reading this, as you have way better things to do I am sure (you know, water slides with no wait in line, sitting at the beach just enjoying the sun, running on those streets of gold, hopefully eating all you want and never gaining weight, and way more things than we could ever ask or imagine!)

---For those reading this, go out today and do something for someone else so you can join us in #choosingjoybyblessing