I can't say for sure when I first heard this song, but I am pretty sure it at least a year and a half ago. I first heard it on a Passion CD. I love the music, I love the lyrics, and I really wanted to suggest to our worship pastor that we sing it. Except, I didn't want to sing. Well, it's not that I didn't want to sing, but I didn't feel like I could sing it honestly.
Because, if I am honest, I just can't, with my whole heart, sing it and mean it. And it's so not the good Christian thing to do to admit that. But, it's true.
I am not the bride anxiously awaiting the groom on her wedding day. My heart is not longing for my King to come. To see Him face to face. Man, that makes me sound like a horrible person to admit that. But what is it that keeps me from longing for Jesus to come quickly? Or at all?
First, and foremost, I am not sure my son is ready for Christ to return. We've had some great conversations of Jesus and being a Christian and what that means. But, I am just not sure he understands or that he has been saved, so if Jesus returns, he wouldn't be in Heaven. And that scares me and breaks my heart. It keeps me from being able to sing "even so come. Lord Jesus, come" and mean it.
The other thing that keeps me from looking forward to that day is all the unknown that comes with it. In case you didn't know, I am a bit of a control freak. I like having a script and knowing everything that is at least supposed to happen. There are so many unknowns with Christ's return. And, since I am being honest, I still struggle with finding the joy of heaven, with Kevin there, and not having the joy of being his wife there. Which is totally dumb, I know, because of all the goodness that Christ has prepared for us. It's one of those areas that I have to daily give over and say, "I believe. Help my unbelief."
I am so thankful that as we sang this song at the United DNow last weekend, the Lord softened my heart toward it. He spoke gently to my heart and said, "You know, this should be your prayer. If you can't sing it and mean it, sing as a prayer, asking Me to give you a heart that means this more and more each day." It felt like such a breakthrough! Lord, I want that to be me! I want to have a heart that longs for You to come. A bride ready for her groom. A heart and soul that yearns more for You and Your kingdom to be complete and final than for my comfort. A heart that pushes aside the fear of this tiny human heart to lean into the joy and hope that is to come through Christ. Oh, Father, enable to say and mean, "Even so, come. Lord Jesus, come!"
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