Growing Pains

I know it's been awhile since I posted anything. Like a year.

It's not because nothing has been happening, that's for sure! In the time since I last wrote we've been to Disney and Harry Potter World, I turned 40, I went to Asia on a mission trip, I took each child on a special birthday trip, I went on a birthday trip with one of my best friends (where I got to see the Survivor Tree and Magnolia), my son turned 10, my daughter turned 13, and I went on a trip to Romania. We've been busy! We've had lots of fun. Lots of tears. Lots of frustration. Lots of school days. Lots of days with no school. And just about everything in between.

2019 has been a whirlwind of a year and the Lord is teaching me a lot about myself. Mainly things about myself that I need to change in order to be more like Him, more obedient to Him, and to be better at being His hands and feet to others.

My word for this year was renew. I really had no idea why I felt like the Lord was giving me this word, but He really has made it come alive to me in ways I never dreamed or imagined!

Dictionary.com says this about the word renew: to begin or take up again, as an acquaintance, a conversation, etc.; resume; to make effective for an additional period; to restore or replenish; to make, say, or do again.

I got my first glimpse of how I think the Lord is using this word in my life back in February when I went on a trip to Asia to help serve missionaries. What a joy it was to help renew them in even a small way! They were able to leave the retreat feeling more effective for the calling the Lord has given them. They felt restored and replenished by the Lord because they had days where they could focus on the Word and their calling while we took care of their children. It was fun. Tiring. Such a joy. I got to do something very similar in Romania in May. I got to help renew a group of missionaries, as well as a group of Romanian Christians.

I don't know exactly how the Lord will use this in the future, but I definitely feel a call to help renew those who spend their lives in a foreign land sharing the Gospel. (Probably because I have the best example of this in another best friend who does this as a job!) I can't wait to see how the Lord continues to grow this passion in me. And how He continues to grow me in this passion. I have much to learn about how to lovingly and correctly serve missionaries, but I am looking forward to the learning!

But the scariest glimpse I got of how the Lord might be using this word in my life came just a few months ago when I was in Romania. It came out of the blue. Totally unexpected. Totally unwanted. I was totally unprepared for how the Lord was going to softly and slowly speak to my heart and reveal much selfishness and stubbornness. It made me sick to my stomach (and still does when I think about it) and excited and scared all at the same time.

You see, the Lord was slowly speaking to my heart that He just might renew (or begin again) a desire to be a wife. Say what?!?! That has been nowhere on my radar. The complete opposite of what my heart wants. Or my children want. What is happening? I mean, wasn't I being honoring to God and to Kevin by just staying single and moving forward?

That's where the Lord showed me that I had not once actually consulted Him in that decision. I made that decision all on my own. Because I was tired and hurt. Love and marriage take work. Lots of work. And I clearly wasn't that great at it the first time. Why bother going through all of that again? Not to mention that marriage means dating first. Ugh! It was bad enough the first time around when I was young. Dating at 40?!?! No thanks!

But again, the Lord was reminding me that I had failed to consult Him in this decision. So now, I have an entire prayer journal that is devoted just to this. I might possibly be praying from the stance that I hope He says no and this was just a lesson in learning to pray first and choose obedience rather than being prepared for Him to send a man my way. (I know, I have lots to learn still about laying things at His feet and following where He leads!)

Can I just be honest and say that this is painful. Very, very painful. It feels like leaving Kevin behind. It feels like I am saying what we had wasn't good enough. That Kevin wasn't good enough. That I made the wrong choice the first time so I should try again. It feels like my heart is breaking into a million little pieces for what could end up being just a lesson I needed to learn; which feels like not a good enough reason to hurt so badly. It feels like I am living someone else's life. It feels like I've suddenly gone back to middle school and I have no idea how to be an actual human. I wasn't great at middle school the first time as a teenager, I am even worse at it in my 40's!

And this, of course, brings up all kinds of weird questions. Does this mean I have to change my email address because Kevin's name is in it? I can't keep the blog name the same because it has Kevin's name in it, too. (Notice, I took a BIG step for me and already changed the blog address.) Lord, if you do send another man, can you wait until my children are no longer in my home so that we all have the same last name while they are in my home? Lord, if this is what You have planned, You are going to have to work a miracle in my daughter's heart or she will never speak to me again! How do I have another husband and my kids not feel like I am just replaced their dad?

I have no idea what the Lord is up to. I am not sure I will ever know. But I am doing the best I can to lay it all at His feet and choose obedience. Even though this just might be the scariest thing I've ever done. And the most painful. And the most confusing. And possibly the most dumb. Although it's really none of those things because trusting God to have control is the best thing I could ever do. But it just doesn't come naturally to this control freak.

Lord, grab hold of my shaking, breaking, torn up heart and turn it to You. Fill all the gaps with You. Teach me how to keep You at the center so that I will always hear Your voice. Grant me courage through You to step out in obedience to whatever You ask of me. Father, thank You that You have already seen all of my days and You use each day to prepare me for the next.