The Perfect Storm

That's what this week has felt like. I haven't felt well all week. There's been very little exercise. Very little restraint with food. Little sleep. This makes for lots of emotions.

My week started with a bridal shower and ended with a wedding. I survived both events without tears, but the emotions were all over the place before and after each event. Oh, how I pray that one day these events will be full of joy and happiness for me once again. I pray that each wedding I attend brings back beautiful memories of my own wedding day; the laughter and nerves and joy and fun and the beautiful family that resulted. Right now, every time I attend a wedding and hear the word forever I want to scream. There's no forever in marriage. There's only 'til death do us part. I do my best not to voice that at weddings and be a total Debbie Downer, I promise! There was a little breakthrough in that today. As the beautiful couple was saying their vows I couldn't help but think back to the vows that Kevin wrote for me. They were beautiful. They were perfect. They were so Kevin. I am so glad now that we decided to write our own vows so I can have those words today. Addiction fought hard to tear us apart, BUT GOD held us tight and pulled us through to the end. There were a lot of ups and downs in our 12 1/2 years of marriage, but, looking back, the Lord was present and near in every one of them. Even when it didn't feel like either was true at the time.

I finally caught Ethan's cold this week. I am such a baby when I don't feel well. Kevin was my perfect complement when I wasn't feeling well. He jumped right in, got things under control, and let me lay around and whine. He took care of the kids and school and meals and just all.the.things. when I didn't feel well. So, of course, when I am not feeling well I miss him all the more. I saw his absence a little bigger everywhere I looked. At home. At church. While playing games with the kids. As I tried to plan trips to corn mazes. Just everywhere.

Of course, when I don't feel well, I don't sleep well. Lack of sleep makes everything feel and seem worse than it really is. It makes the anger come faster and the tears fall heavier. The smallest, most meaningless things drove me crazy this week. Things that don't bother me at all on normal weeks. I was antsy and anxious. Claustrophobic. I couldn't sit still, yet also, couldn't stay awake. It was really annoying. But, the anxious energy lead me to do a little light redecorating in anticipation of more heavy duty redecorating in the coming months. Hopefully. I changed out a few pictures in anticipation of hanging old ones in new places and putting up new ones elsewhere. One of these days we'll repaint and redo the kids' rooms, but for now, rearranging pictures is the best I can do.

My temporary job ended this week. There were some tears and lots of fear, but deep down I know that the Lord is near. He sees each need and provides for them. Never once has He left us hanging and He's not going to stop now. I trust His provision, but honestly, there are still some nerves there. I haven't had a job outside of my home since 2008. I haven't worked full-time since 2005. The idea of getting together a resume and job searching and doing interviews seriously makes me sick to my stomach. I have no idea what a different job will mean for being able to stay home with the kids. Or for homeschooling. But I know the Lord will provide. And I am confident that my small faith will be amazed with the way and the what He provides. This job was perfect for me, allowing me to work from anywhere and to continue to school the kids at home. It paid, to the penny, what I needed each month. It was an answer to months of prayer. I'll begin praying for His provision through a job yet again and I cannot wait to watch Him provide. (And I'll be praying He enables me to wait faithfully and increases my faith and trust in the process.)

This has been a week of lots of prayer. Reading scripture aloud. Praying aloud. Sending texts full of tears to friends. Allowing friends to speak truth over me. Being thankful for friends who truly want to know how life is going. It's been a week of struggling to allow the Spirit's self-control when my emotions wanted to take over and stay in bed. When I wanted to just get a new car or new furniture or new anything that really wasn't needed. When I wanted to choose complaining and grumbling and entitlement over truth and joy and peace. Grief is not just a season. It's a new way of life. It comes and goes. Ebbs and flows. It can master me or be used to make me more like Christ. Oh, how I pray that it makes me more like Christ. That is shows my children that their Heavenly Father is the best Father they could ever have. That it leads my children to Christ at all times in all things. That those who see us grieving will somehow see that we grieve differently than the world. That we have joy. And hope. Admittedly, I still feel directionless and I desperately want to help in the addict's fight against this horrible disease in their lives, but I have no idea how or where I fit into that picture. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. But, I will not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worry of it's own. Father, help me to live today, with You as my leader and guide. Lord, teach me to follow You, not my own deceitful heart. Lord, speak and move in my life so that other will know You and trust You.