My 40th Year

Today started my 40th year here on this little planet. That just seems like crazy talk. I barely feel like I am old enough to be responsible for two children, let alone to have been on this planet for nearly four decades. The years really have flown by faster than I could have ever imagined. Most have not turned out at all like I had planned or envisioned.

Typically, at the beginning of each year, I have a word that I use as my theme for that year. This year, I feel like it's coming early, with the beginning of my 40th year. Two words are echoing in my mind as I end this birthday: celebration and presence.

Celebration
I want to use this year ahead to celebrate all.the.things. Whether big or small, whether in my life or the lives of those around me. I want to see the good, the gifts, the joy, and celebrate it. I want to name it. Count it. Rejoice over it. Regardless of circumstance, I want to remember that God is working and moving and praise Him for it. When the fear is threatening to take over, when my heart is overwhelmed, when I think I can't go on, I want to stop and list the ways I have seen Him working so I can be reminded that He's faithful and loving and gracious.

I want to celebrate the milestones we reach. The memories we have been gifted. The life we have here on this earth, with its ups and downs, good days and bad days. I want to celebrate the had beens and would have beens that remind me of God's love in the past. I want to celebrate the here and now that reminds me His love has never left me. I want to celebrate the mundane. The extraordinary. This glorious mess we have found ourselves living. Admittedly, there are many days that don't feel like a gift. Since Kevin's death, I've come to see that, for the Christian, death is grace. But coming to that realization has made time here on this earth feel ungracious. Made me wonder why God is withholding the most gracious thing He could give me. Sometimes it's hard to see each new morning here, each new day, each breath I take as a gift. Wouldn't being in heaven with my Savior be a better gift? But you know what? Each new day here is a gift because it's one more day to speak truth over my children. One more day to love them to Jesus. One more day for Ethan to be able to accept that free gift of salvation God is offering him. That is surely cause for celebration!

One of the biggest things I hope to celebrate in this 40th year is seeing continual redemption of this hard, ugly beautiful, glorious mess of a story we've lived. I have no idea how God will do that, but I am sure it will involve lots of little things. But I want to see and celebrate them all.

I'll need reminders of this, especially on days when grief looms large. When pain seems bigger than joy. When hope seems so far away I can hardly see it. Satan is out to steal, kill, and destroy, and on those days when it feels and looks like he's winning, I'll need to be reminded that there's something to celebrate. Even if that something is that this is not the end. There's something so much better beyond this life. God wins. I am glad I am not in this life alone because I know I'll need my tribe to name the reasons to celebrate for me.

Presence
This one is much harder for me to put into words, but oh, how I long for more of His presence. I want to turn over my life, every part of it, to His leadership and guidance. I want to love His word more each day. I want His word to come alive when I read it because He is in me, giving each word fresh meaning. I want to trust Him for every need. I want our family to be able to live out the motto a sweet friend "spoke" (is it still speaking when it's in a text message?) to me about our family: McSmiths are Mighty to Overcome Through Christ. I long for His presence to help us overcome the fear, doubt, grief. He is mighty. He is ever-present.

I want my presence to be more "present" so that I can see Him and others can see Him in me. I want to stop the worrying and fearing the future so I can enjoy the gifts He's given me today. I want to make the most of school each day, knowing that each lesson teaches us more about Him and better equips each of us to serve God and serve others. Even math. I want to be less tied to the to-do list I have created and more ready to listen to what He says and be willing to obey. Willing to toss aside my ideas for His.

Father, You've granted me nearly four decades on this earth. Nearly 40 years of watching You move and work in my life and the lives around me. I have rarely know what in the world it is You've been up to, but I've come to see that I can trust You anyway. Father, I want this 40th year of my life here to scream Your name. To point to You at all times and in all things. Oh, how I need You to make that possible. I need you to place that desire in me each day, because on my own, I know I won't be able to create it on my own. It comes from You alone. Hold me. Mold me. Keep my eyes and heart focused on You. Speak to my children. Bring salvation to Ethan. Overflow the fruit of Your Spirit in each of us. Redeem each tear. Each moment of hard. All for your glory. Oh, Father, my story for Your glory!