Riding the Struggle Bus

I am in my seat, buckled up, and in that bus for the long haul, I am afraid. Please tell me I am not the only one?!?! Surely there are others that struggle with life, in big ways and small, and often feel there's no way they'll ever get things back on track again. Not that I would ever want someone else to struggle through their days and feel like there was no end to the hard, but, honestly, it makes me feel a little better about my days when I know I am not alone on this bus!

And there are so many different reasons one could be on the struggle bus. My reasons change daily. Hourly. By the minute, some days!  And some days, all.the.reasons. you are on the bus seem to just pile up all at once!

Why do I even have a ticket on the struggle bus?

Because all three of us are exhausted from a wonderfully beautiful weekend. Because that last sentence didn't say "all four of us." Because I want my pants to be a size smaller but I also want to eat and lay around doing nothing. Because third grade and sixth grade were hard enough the first time I went through them, they shouldn't be this hard the second time around. Because I so desire to love others well, in word and deed, but I just can't make myself do it. Because my daughter is in youth group. Because to serve my children better, I had to give up serving other people's children and quite frankly, I didn't want to give that up just yet. Because I've started watching episodes of Lab Rats from the Disney channel even when my kids aren't around. Because the Lord has sent my friends to the mission field and I've been left behind. Because I am just too tired to shower. Because Missouri is so far away from Texas and Alabama and Arkansas and Romania and South Africa and all.the.places. Because St. Louis often feels as far away as South Africa. Because my kids take so long to wake up in the mornings. Because my son will barely eat breakfast and five minutes later is asking for a snack. Because I feel inadequate for every task the Lord has placed in front of me and I just don't know what to do with that. Because I can sit around a fire with amazing people and laugh and be silly and talk deep things and just truly enjoy myself, and still feel that kick of sorrow and loneliness because I don't have a spouse to go home to at the end of the weekend. Because I look at my life, where I am now, and fear I wasted four years of college and thousands of my parent's dollars on two useless degrees I've done nothing with and can't really do anything with even if I wanted to, yet at the same time I rejoice because those four years brought me some of the best friends who've lived through more ups and downs with me than we ever thought possible.  Because chocolate chip cookie dough is not good for me in any way, but yet, it just tastes so good. Because addiction sucks. Because I am finally ready for fall and summer just now decides to show up. Because I fear my kids see too much of my weakness and will feel like they can never leave home because they don't want me to be alone. Because I want to be alone. Because I feel alone and I don't like it. Because I don't want my life to be about single parenthood and widowhood and addiction, yet I want these hard years and every tear to be redeemed for His glory while I am here on earth. Because publishing a book sounds really fun, yet I don't feel like I have anything new under the sun to say. Because people say I should publish a book and that sounds really scary. Because I feel like the gifts and skills I have are pretty shallow and hard to use in a way that draws attention to God and not to me. Because being a stay at home mom feels silly and lowly and fairly useless. Because the weight of motherhood is daunting and scary. Because I have a bookshelf full of books I have yet been able to start or finish. Because I want to cherish these years with my kiddos as I know they grow so quickly. Because all I have the energy to do most evenings is turn on a movie while we're all in the same room and they watch it while I sleep. Because I have friends who have grown to be deeper friends simply because we all know the sting of grief and that's a crappy (yet effective) way to have a relationship deepened. Because having these two frogs did turn out to be more fun, and more work, than I thought. Because my son wants to dye his hair blue and since I have purple in mine, how can I say no, so I bought blue hair dye. Because grief fights hard to win my days and I often let it. Because I know many of these things are lies from the devil, yet I do little or nothing to fight them. Because I know I must fight to cling to the Truth and to fill my mind with His word!

Father, the struggle (bus) is real. I don't want to be a permanent passenger! Enable my heart and mind and eyes to know the difference between Your truth and the enemy's lies. Give me the energy and ability to get back to memorizing the Word. Remind me that I have only one enemy, and he isn't flesh and blood. Remind me that, in every trial and storm and struggle, You are with me. You go before me. You hem me in on all sides. You see and You provide! Lord, provide perspective to me today and every day. Give me energy for making meal plans and school plans and having no plans so I can just enjoy my kiddos. Fill my mouth with Your words, no matter who I am speaking to at the time. Guide my fingers as I type blog posts, Facebook statuses, work on Bibleman posts, and type the words to speak in just 11 days to some beautiful women who want to know You more. Lord, move in me. Move me to be more like You. To love more like You. To listen to Your voice above all else.