When the Lord Answers The Prayer You're Not Brave to Admit You Want to Pray

So many times in the last 19 months I have wanted to ask God to allow Kevin to send me a message. To speak to me one more time. I wanted to but, of course didn't, because that is just absurd. He didn't become an angel that the Lord sends down to guard me. He's not stuck in some middle world between here and heaven, in a ghost-like state, where he can come visit my dreams or sit at our table. Heaven is perfection; no sin, no sorrow, no tears. It's joy and worship and only good. Why would I even be so bold as to ask God, even if it were possible, to tear my Kevin away from all of that just to have to again look on the pain and heartache of this world? It's just silly. But, I want it so badly. But I know better than to ask.

But the Lord knows. He is omniscient, after all. He knows what my heart and my head want to ask, but they think they know better than to actually put voice to. He knows that I forget it doesn't have to be voiced for the Lord to know what we need or want.

I feel drained. Passionless. Pointless. I feel that every skill and gift I had has been washed away in the flood of grief that has taken over my days since March 10, 2016. I know that God is sovereign. I know that His glory is far more important than my relief. I know that God sees and records each tear. I know that God redeems all things. But some days, it feels like that's going ever so slowly. Or might not happen at all apart from my death here and waking up to new life in heaven. And, while in reality that's a short amount of time, it feels so long. Some days it's so hard to see that there's any plan at all. That any of this pain and grief can be used. And my heart cries out for more. More proof of who He is. More proof that this wasn't just some painful fluke. More reminders of His love and grace and care. The future looks and feels so uncertain and I just want more stability.

Today He gave me the sweetest reminder that this isn't the first time I've felt that way. And likely won't be the last. It came in the form of a letter from my Kevin back in the spring of 2001 when I was just days away from graduating from college. With no plans. No career. No skills usable for a job that actually paid money. (Or so I thought, of course.) There was seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel. Mostly because I just wanted to marry Kevin, but he showed no sign of wanting to marry me. He couldn't/wouldn't even say "I love you", which I so desperately wanted to hear him say. I was putting all my hope in the basket of marriage to the man I loved, but forgetting that my Creator has a plan that, though perhaps mysterious to me, is perfect in the way it brings glory to God and goodness to me. But, like today, I just couldn't see it. Here are the precious words from my Kevin that I needed so much that spring, and even more now:

I don't know what to say right now. I truly am at a loss for words. We just got back from the park and I just dropped you off. So many things to say were running through my head and yet I couldn't find the right one to speak. I feel like it's time for me to say some of this to you...even though I know you're not going to like it. I couldn't bring myself to say anything in the car to you that you would perceive as negative. So here I am. First of all, remember that you are very special to me. I like you a lot, and I care about you a lot. That's exactly why I'm sitting here writing this. I worry about you, and I want things to be going well for you. I see you sad, and I want to make you happy. The thing is though, that I USED to be able to do that. Not so much anymore, and rightfully so. Sweetie, I know that deep down, you know where true happiness comes from...and you know it doesn't come from me. This contentment is attainable only through a loving, daily relationship with Jesus. Babe, the last three weeks or so, it has seemed like there's been absolutely no contentment in your life. Every time I've been with you lately, it's almost always been to sulk, instead of to enjoy each other's company. I realize that sometimes this is very necessary...don't get me wrong. Sharing each other's pain is essential to any relationship. Sweetheart, I care about you so much. You have so much to offer. I mean in all sincerity when I say you are the example in my life of the self-less servant I need to be...You are such an incredible girl. You have so much to offer. You don't see that in yourself at times, but I PROMISE you...it's there and everyone else can see it. God has blessed you in so many ways. I know I've told you that before, but it's SO true. I can stand back and see this whole situation and it's pieces...you, with all your talents, gifts, abilities, strengths; all your many positive attributes...and thinking that there is no future in store for you. Heather, this TURNS MY STOMACH...LITERALLY. You know why? Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God...our loving Creator and Savior...has incredible plans for His humble servant, His awesome creation...YOU...and as hard as I talk, or type, or write...I can't convince you of this. I wish so bad that you could see yourself as I see you...and as God sees you...FULL of value and self-worth, on account of Jesus Christ. You have SO much, and it's all from Him. Even with as highly as I think of you, it's still limited, and my view of you is still limited, simply because of this human form. But God is not limited, and He sees you in entirety...and do you know what He sees?? He sees the blood of Jesus Christ, His only Son!! That gives you more value than you can ever comprehend! AND AS SURE AS THE SUN IS IN THE SKY, HIS SON WASN'T CRUCIFIED JUST FOR THERE TO BE "NO PLAN" FOR YOUR FUTURE. He has a plan for you, and you know that down deep...SO BELIEVE IT!!!  He made the lowly birds of the earth, and even they are cared for. Since I spoke with you this afternoon, there has been one verse of scripture that has been continuously running through my head. It is Matt. 6:26-27. "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow, or reap, or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they??Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...Babe, I want so badly to see you full of joy once again. When you hurt, I hurt with you. "A broken heart that breaks my own" as Shane Bernard put it. How true. Sweetheart...I want you to know...I'll sit and sulk with you all day. I care about you so much, and I am willing to do that. But this is NOT what God has called us to...it's not what He wants for us, fortunately! Paul says this blatantly in 1 Thess. 5:16-18: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Wow! Not only does GOd want us to be filled with His joy, we're CALLED to be! I think that is so awesome. I hope and pray that God will use this to uplift you, remind you of your worth in His eyes, and affirm that even though its only 4 days until graduation and He hasn't revealed to you what the next step is after this summer, He does in fact have a definite step for you to take. In 4 days you will have accomplished something that very few people accomplish...and you're doing it with honors. Now especially is a time to be joyful! Your hard work will pay off, babe, and God will bless you in all you do because you "love Him and have been called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28)...

I couldn't bring myself to admit to God that I needed a word from Kevin. I knew it wasn't possible. Yet, he knew what I wanted and needed, anyway, and made it possible. Thank You! Thank You for being the God who sees. Who provides. Who loves. Who cares. Help me to remember the truths this little baby freshman in college version of Kevin poured out on these pages.