To My Girl, Sophie Annie

 I cannot believe that you are already turning 15. Where has the time gone?!?!? I had dreams of your teen years being filled with Daddy/Daughter Dates and birthdays with your Dad by your side. I feel such sadness that he's not here to do those things with you. I'm really sad he's not here to teach you to drive because I am pretty sure I am not the best candidate for that job! 

But I am so proud of the beautiful woman you are becoming. You are kind and generous and caring and smart and creative and self-motivated. Of course, you are also sassy and outspoken and a little on the bossy side. But I wouldn't want you any other way!

Remember this, dear Sophie Girl, pursue the Lord in all you do with all you are. He is what you need. He is a Father better than you could ever ask for or imagine. Don't chase after guys. Chase after the Lord. Surround yourself with friends who will always point you to the Lord, Who will speak truth in love and be a source of encouragement to you. 

I love you so much. You are a world changer, my dear girl, and I can't wait to see how the Lord uses you as His hands and feet to those who have no voice of their own. 

To My Boy, Ethan James

 Today you turn 12. 12! How is it possible that my youngest is turning 12 today?

You become a little more like your daddy everyday. That is both sweet and annoying at the same time. You have his entrepreneurial spirit. His creativity with Legos and art. His aptitude with computers. His night owl ways. You move with his slowness in all you do. Your jokes are every bit as corny as his were.

I think you might already be taller than he was (which wouldn't take much!) I can't believe how much you've grown, in so many ways, in the last year. Your voice is deeper, you're getting a mustache, and you are actually getting school done all on your own. 

I sure wish your daddy was here to help you become the godly man I know he prayed you would become. I am no replacement for a father and don't really know what to do with boys. But I do pray for you each day, asking the Lord to steal your heart, bring salvation to your soul, and use you to love other well all throughout your life. That's honestly the best I know how to do.

Seek the Lord. Follow him with you heart, soul, mind, and strength. Serve Him and serve others every chance you get. Surround yourself with others who will point you to Christ in all circumstances. 

I cannot wait to see the man you become, but I'd be OK if time would slow down just a bit!

I love you!

The Year is 2021...

 Can you believe it's already 2021? 2020 felt really long and really short, all at the same time. 

As I am sure most of you are, I am really hoping that this year turns out to be a little better, and a little more normal, than last year. However, as I was looking at my calendar, I realized this year is probably going to be one full of big emotions for me. 

You see, Feb. 14 will mark 20 years since my first date with Kevin and the day we started officially dating. 20 years!!! How is that even possible? Aren't I still just a wide-eyed, silly college freshman?!?!? Man, those years sure went by quickly!

March 10 will mark 5 years since Kevin's death. Five years since I last saw his face. Held his hand. Told him goodnight. Kissed him good morning. Had a argument with him (well, at least with him here to argue back.) Five years since I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and he wasn't there beside me. Five years since I walked down the stairs, found him slumped over his desk, and had to call for help. How has it been five years already? At the same time, hasn't it been closer to ten years? Some days it feels like it. 

So, this year might actually end up being even more emotional for than last year. I never thought that would be possible! It means that this year it's going to be really hard for me to not let my emotions rule in every thought, action, and decision. 

I also really don't want this year to be about the sadness of those two events. This will probably be hard because they happen so early on in the year. So, I am doing my best to decide now that those days will be good days. Happy days. Days of celebration for the good gifts the Lord gave me because He gave me Kevin. There will be plenty of other days in the year for weeping over what I miss, but I want to be purposeful in making those joyous, celebratory days. 

Lord, be with me in this year of "big anniversaries." I know there will be emotions. I know there will be the temptation to be angry and bitter and throw a tantrum about how unfair life in this broken world is. But, Father, I really don't want to do that. Give me eyes to see the joy and goodness and hope that You've poured over my life, especially on those two very hard days. 

So...It's Been Awhile...

It's been over a year since I published anything on this little blog. It's not that nothing has been happening, I just haven't felt like there was anything worth sharing. Not that there is now, just a thought that's been on my heart lately.

This will be our 5th Christmas without Kevin. It seems like it's been more like 45 Christmases, yet the first one, all at the same time. I just keep thinking that surely this is the year; the year that his absence doesn't feel quite so large. This is the year with less tears and more smiles and laughter.

It's not that I want to forget that he was ever with us. Or even forget that he's gone. Neither of those could happen and I don't want them to. It's just that I am ready to look back and celebrate that life with him happened instead of being sad that it's over. Isn't that how we try to teach our littles to react to things? 

If only grief worked that way, huh? Sadly, it doesn't. The smallest, silliest things bring memories flooding back and the tears just flow freely. It's just a natural reaction most times. Every time we near a big day, nights become sleepless and emotions rise. For all three of us. So, yes, life gets fun for us this time of year! 

Will I ever get to the point where there's more rejoicing in the gift of having had Kevin as part of my life for 15 years verses the sadness of not having him with me for the rest of, well, who knows how many years? Honestly, I have no idea. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'll never be able to say that I spent more years of my life with him than without him. That's something I always looked forward to saying about my husband one day. So, I really don't know if the day will come with each big day or anniversary or holiday doesn't bring about the lump in the throat. The sting of tears to my eyes. The yearning for things to be different.

But, I do know this. This sadness and grief in missing my man is just one more proof to me that my Heavenly Father does indeed give good gifts. The best of gifts. If Kevin wasn't such a good gift I wouldn't be so sad he's not still here. Knowing that doesn't take the grief away, but it does grant a sliver of purpose to the pain. I now know just a tiny bit more of the heart of my Father. This probably speaks so deeply to me because I LOVE giving gifts. It's just one of the many ways the Lord has created me in His likeness. (My gifts aren't as good as His, though!)

I know several people celebrating their first Christmas this week without their loved ones. I wish I could say it gets easier. Less tearful. The empty space feels smaller. But, well, I just can't. But, it does get a little different each year. I can say this, though, acknowledge the sadness. Let the tears fall. Find a way to honor that loved one that is simple enough you can do it every year, but meaningful enough that you have honored their life. That looks different for all of us. And it may not last forever. And it's all ok.

If you love someone who lost a loved one this year, don't be afraid to talk about that loved one. Say their name. Share your stories of them. Be a reminder to those left behind that their loved one is loved and missed by others, too. Cry with them. Laugh with them. Eat an extra piece of pie with them. It's probably going to be awkward for all involved, but it'll be awkwardness that is worth it. I promise!

Random Musings

This post might be a little sappy. It's been brewing in me for weeks. And today I might finally have the words because I just finished a book about the love story between C.S. Lewis and his wife, Joy. It has be all sentimental!

It's been a LOOOOOONG few months since I told the Lord I would be willing to marry again if that's what He wanted for me. (No worries, nothing really happening on that front. This will not be a big announcement of anything!) I've spent a lot of time in prayer, time in tears, and time trying to figure out just want I am even looking for in that whole arena. My daughter would prefer I join a convent.

It's been so hard to make this list because, honestly, my man spoiled me. I am not sure any man could ever follow in his footsteps or live up to him. There's a good chance I'll be single forever. He was one of a kind.

He was a pursuer. Not just of me, but of anyone and anything he valued. If he spent time with you, talked with you, help you in any way, you were valuable to him. If it was important to learn, he would spend hundreds, even thousands, of hours learning whatever it was. When we met, I was a college senior and he was a college freshman. We knew each other for a whole semester before I ever saw him as anything more than just a baby freshman. But man, when he decided the Lord told him I was someone he was supposed to know, there was no ignoring him. We had almost daily Instant Messenger (yeah, most of you probably don't even know what that was) conversations that would last hours. We talked about everything and nothing at all. When I was worried, he reassured me. When I was acting a fool, he spoke truth to me. He showed up when I needed him, no matter the time of day. I felt like I was the only person on the planet when I was with him because he didn't seem to notice anyone else.

He was a gift giver. One of my biggest love languages is gifts. I love to give them and I love to receive them. He was the king of gift giving. I could mention something one time and he'd remember and I'd end up with it as a gift. He would see a need and just take care of it. He loved giving flowers (which I love receiving) and would often go to the cooler in the flower shop just to pick out the flowers himself. He always wanted to give the best and make it as personal as possible. He showed up every morning on my last week of college and delivered me a single rose as the start to my day. I melted! He loved me so well, even before we were married!

He was so thoughtful with words. My other big love language is words of affirmation. He was the king of that, too. He would browse the card aisle for hours to pick out the card with just the right wording. Then he would spend days writing a note on the inside to make sure it said just what he wanted to say. He would leave sweet notes in my car. In my wallet. On the dresser. Even on the computer. He always complained that he could never really be a songwriter because he could never put words to melodies. I beg to differ! One of these days I just may have someone take the cards and notes and wedding vows he wrote and make a song out of them. They are so beautiful. And so perfect. And sometimes, silly and cheesy! But always just what I needed. The kids never went to bed at night without him telling them two things: I love you and I am proud of you. I could not even begin to count the number of times he poured out his praise on me for the mom I was and the wife I was. He was always my biggest fan and truly felt there was nothing I couldn't do.Words meant so much to him, as they do me. It took him almost a year to say, "I love you" because it was a phrase he didn't want to use lightly. I thought I would die with the waiting for those words. Honestly, they were sweeter and meant so much more because he waited and used them well. And I know there were few others (perhaps only one) he ever said that to in a romantic way. It turns out, I am very glad he waited.

I have no idea if there will ever be another man, but I do know this; he has big shoes to fill. He'll need to be all those things listed above, and so much more. My man set the bar high and I refuse to settle for less than that.

It makes me grateful that I know, no matter whether another man enters our lives here on earth, I am loved most of the One who created me. The One who knit me together so perfectly, with each and every gift and quirk purposely placed. He will never leave or forsake me. He pursues me fiercely, ever day. He is the greatest gift giver I will ever know. His love letter to me is filled with words that soothe my soul and guide me through all of life's ups and downs. Father, teach me to be content in You, no matter the circumstance. Remind me that You are my true love and anything else is just extra grace and love from Your hand.

Growing Pains

I know it's been awhile since I posted anything. Like a year.

It's not because nothing has been happening, that's for sure! In the time since I last wrote we've been to Disney and Harry Potter World, I turned 40, I went to Asia on a mission trip, I took each child on a special birthday trip, I went on a birthday trip with one of my best friends (where I got to see the Survivor Tree and Magnolia), my son turned 10, my daughter turned 13, and I went on a trip to Romania. We've been busy! We've had lots of fun. Lots of tears. Lots of frustration. Lots of school days. Lots of days with no school. And just about everything in between.

2019 has been a whirlwind of a year and the Lord is teaching me a lot about myself. Mainly things about myself that I need to change in order to be more like Him, more obedient to Him, and to be better at being His hands and feet to others.

My word for this year was renew. I really had no idea why I felt like the Lord was giving me this word, but He really has made it come alive to me in ways I never dreamed or imagined!

Dictionary.com says this about the word renew: to begin or take up again, as an acquaintance, a conversation, etc.; resume; to make effective for an additional period; to restore or replenish; to make, say, or do again.

I got my first glimpse of how I think the Lord is using this word in my life back in February when I went on a trip to Asia to help serve missionaries. What a joy it was to help renew them in even a small way! They were able to leave the retreat feeling more effective for the calling the Lord has given them. They felt restored and replenished by the Lord because they had days where they could focus on the Word and their calling while we took care of their children. It was fun. Tiring. Such a joy. I got to do something very similar in Romania in May. I got to help renew a group of missionaries, as well as a group of Romanian Christians.

I don't know exactly how the Lord will use this in the future, but I definitely feel a call to help renew those who spend their lives in a foreign land sharing the Gospel. (Probably because I have the best example of this in another best friend who does this as a job!) I can't wait to see how the Lord continues to grow this passion in me. And how He continues to grow me in this passion. I have much to learn about how to lovingly and correctly serve missionaries, but I am looking forward to the learning!

But the scariest glimpse I got of how the Lord might be using this word in my life came just a few months ago when I was in Romania. It came out of the blue. Totally unexpected. Totally unwanted. I was totally unprepared for how the Lord was going to softly and slowly speak to my heart and reveal much selfishness and stubbornness. It made me sick to my stomach (and still does when I think about it) and excited and scared all at the same time.

You see, the Lord was slowly speaking to my heart that He just might renew (or begin again) a desire to be a wife. Say what?!?! That has been nowhere on my radar. The complete opposite of what my heart wants. Or my children want. What is happening? I mean, wasn't I being honoring to God and to Kevin by just staying single and moving forward?

That's where the Lord showed me that I had not once actually consulted Him in that decision. I made that decision all on my own. Because I was tired and hurt. Love and marriage take work. Lots of work. And I clearly wasn't that great at it the first time. Why bother going through all of that again? Not to mention that marriage means dating first. Ugh! It was bad enough the first time around when I was young. Dating at 40?!?! No thanks!

But again, the Lord was reminding me that I had failed to consult Him in this decision. So now, I have an entire prayer journal that is devoted just to this. I might possibly be praying from the stance that I hope He says no and this was just a lesson in learning to pray first and choose obedience rather than being prepared for Him to send a man my way. (I know, I have lots to learn still about laying things at His feet and following where He leads!)

Can I just be honest and say that this is painful. Very, very painful. It feels like leaving Kevin behind. It feels like I am saying what we had wasn't good enough. That Kevin wasn't good enough. That I made the wrong choice the first time so I should try again. It feels like my heart is breaking into a million little pieces for what could end up being just a lesson I needed to learn; which feels like not a good enough reason to hurt so badly. It feels like I am living someone else's life. It feels like I've suddenly gone back to middle school and I have no idea how to be an actual human. I wasn't great at middle school the first time as a teenager, I am even worse at it in my 40's!

And this, of course, brings up all kinds of weird questions. Does this mean I have to change my email address because Kevin's name is in it? I can't keep the blog name the same because it has Kevin's name in it, too. (Notice, I took a BIG step for me and already changed the blog address.) Lord, if you do send another man, can you wait until my children are no longer in my home so that we all have the same last name while they are in my home? Lord, if this is what You have planned, You are going to have to work a miracle in my daughter's heart or she will never speak to me again! How do I have another husband and my kids not feel like I am just replaced their dad?

I have no idea what the Lord is up to. I am not sure I will ever know. But I am doing the best I can to lay it all at His feet and choose obedience. Even though this just might be the scariest thing I've ever done. And the most painful. And the most confusing. And possibly the most dumb. Although it's really none of those things because trusting God to have control is the best thing I could ever do. But it just doesn't come naturally to this control freak.

Lord, grab hold of my shaking, breaking, torn up heart and turn it to You. Fill all the gaps with You. Teach me how to keep You at the center so that I will always hear Your voice. Grant me courage through You to step out in obedience to whatever You ask of me. Father, thank You that You have already seen all of my days and You use each day to prepare me for the next.

Fighting to Live in 9:03

I recently read the book To the Moon and Back by Karen Kingsbury. I had a week at the family farm for our annual campout, so I took the opportunity to settle down and read a book for fun. I am so glad I did!

The setting of this book was around (past and present) the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial. I went there once, back in college. After reading this book, I want to go again! I remember when the bombing happened. It opened my eyes and got my attention because my dad worked for Social Security at the time and I realized that even that was now not a "safe" job.

At the time that I visited the memorial, I was most stunned by all the empty chairs. Each chair represents a person who lost their life in the attack. There are so many chairs. So many lives lost. So many lives changed for the rest of their time here on this earth.

As I was reading the book, the first thing that made me want to go back to the memorial was the Survivor Tree. This tree was burned and filled with shrapnel from that terrible day. Everyone thought it was dead. But the next year, to their surprise, they noticed buds on the tree again. Despite the devastation and loss of that day, the tree survived. It still stands as a memorial to all those who have survived; whether you survived the bombing, the death of a loved one, or a horrible diagnosis. This tree is for survivors. Though it doesn't feel like it every day, I am a survivor. My kids are survivors. We've faced our worst fears and worst moments and come out the other side. Different, yet stronger. More resilient. More faithful. More trusting in the One who holds our days in His hands. It's not the path any of us would have chosen, but the Lord has brought us through.

But that part that kept resounding in my heart over and over again were the Gates of Time. There are two of these gates that serve as the entrance to the Memorial. One is stamped 9:01. The moment before the blast. When life was normal. Beautiful. Innocent. Unmarred. Between the two walls is the Reflecting Pool. It represents not only the time of the bomb and the moment life here was changed, but also shows the reflection of all those changed by this startling event. (Because, in one way or another, each American alive at the time was changed.) The second wall reads 9:03. The time that we realized life would never be the same. The moment that healing began.

One of the main themes of the book was that we have a choice: we can live in the past, in 9:01, wishing that we could change it. That it didn't happen the way we didn't want. We can choose to live in 9:02. The moment of the attack. We can relive that over and over and never move on. Never get better. Or, we can live in 9:03. The healing. We can reflect on what happened, grieve the losses, but choose to keep moving. Keep hanging on to God. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep choosing healing, even when it's hard.

Oh, how I want to live in 9:03! But the truth is, it's a lot easier to live in 9:01 and 9:02. Living in 9:03 takes work. It means being selfless. It means letting go of anger and bitterness. It means learning that fine balance of living with deep joy and deep sorrow at the same time. It means being honest and asking for help. It means counseling. Medicine. Being vulnerable. Sometimes it even means completely changing everything about your life. It means believing and living like you believe that the healing is coming. And it's worth it. None of that is easy. None of that comes naturally. It requires faith. Real friends. A loving family. A loving church family. It requires openness. It requires time.

One of the ways the Lord is leading me to live in 9:03 is giving me dreams again. Nothing earth shattering or world changing, but it makes me feel more alive and more human to be dreaming again. I've even started keeping a Dreams journal. It has dreams for my children, our school, and myself. Some are dreams I think are pretty common to most (for my children to be friends, to have more creativity in homeschooling, to stay debt free, etc.) Some are more like bucket-list type items (sky diving, writing a book, seeing more National Parks.) And some are pretty pie in the sky type dreams (an around the world cruise that we can count for school hours, spending a year doing road school around the US, making a living by traveling around and speaking, etc.) I have no deluded notions that any of these dreams will come true, but it feels really good to get them down on paper. I am writing them down and laying them at Christ's feet, asking Him to do whatever He will with them. Change them. Refine them. Ditch them. Bring them to life. I have no idea what He will do, but I am thankful He's helping me look to the future and dream big things again.

Are you struggling to see how it's even possible to see past 9:01 or 9:02, let alone live in 9:03? Don't fear, that's pretty normal. For starters, pick up a Bible. Read the Psalms. Read through the Gospels. Just read. And as you read, ask the Lord to speak. To show you that He truly is in control. That He has a plan. And that You can trust Him. Second, find a truly Bible preaching church and get connected. Whether it's through Sunday School. a small group, or a Bible Study, get connected. Be honest. Share your life with others. Allow them to speak Truth to you. Pray over you. Support you. Help you. Third, find a true Christian counselor. Call up the Laity Care Center at Calvary. It's a great place to start! Be honest and get the help you need.

It is possible to live in 9:03. To live in the healing of whatever has changed your life. But you can't do it alone. And you can't do it without Christ in your life. It's a fight and a struggle some days, but the fight is worth it! I can tell you that from experience.